defiance and lying

[satsuma]

My child is 5 and he seems to only listen to him if he fears me. Unless I shout at him in a intimidating he doesn't seem to understand I'm serious. Otherwise, everything I say is a joke or background noise.

I try to speak to him in a kind language, I explain him why he shouldn't do certain things and give him alternatives of better things to do, but he doesn't care. I usually don't make a fuss of minor things at all, but he seems to be wanting to do things that are annoying me on purpose, like throwing stuff out of the window (not only food for the birds it seems) and talking loud out of the window. I don't want to bring this kind of attention to my house and I try to explain him about it and but it doesn't tick in his mind.

As much as I would like to think children are always well intended, I don't think it is the case anymore. Regardless of the activity, what my child seems to be enjoying here, is doing something he doesn't want me to know about, something I don't expect. And then he likes to lie about it. I don't even think he really has a need to lie to me as I pretty much respect his choices.

I've heard many times lying is a normal development stage - it has to do with children understanding people can't actually read each other minds - but how do you deal with it?

[maya44]

The lying is easy. You simply make it clear to him that the lying gets him nothing: Nothing bad but nothing good either.

So if its "I didn't throw the blocks out the window" Your response is:

"I think you did. I know you like to throw them out the window, but it is not oK to do that. It creates alot of noise and bothers the neighbors [or its dangerous for you to be doing it or whatever]. Do not throw the blocks out of the window anymore."

If he keeps on saying "I didn't do it" your only response needs to be "You can't throw things out the window." and then let it drop.

This can work in any situation.

Him: "I didn't spill the milk"

Your response: "You need to help me clean it up."

Him: "But I did wash my hands"

YOu: "I don't think so. Go wash them now."

As for the definace. Just repeat what you expect of him. Don't make the mistake of trying to convince him of what you are saying. State what the rule is and that you expect it to be followed. (you can have first discussed expalined or negotiated, but once it is arrived at, that should be that).

Try using a quiet BUT VERY SERIOUS voice instead of yelling.

[lilyka]

what maya said plus a couple of other things. Don't set him up to lie "did you throw the lego out the window? " why bother. you know good and well he did it. I would simply state "I see you threw the legos out the window."

I also wouldn't repeat myself once I know they have heard me. and if they had a habit of ignoring me I would make sure they heard me the first time (being close, having eye contact, touching them etc . . . ) and help them folow through.

Also it seems like you have placed way to much trust in your 5 year old. Obviously he isn't ready for alone time or unsupervised time. I would keep him within arms reach 100% of the time until he proves that he can listen, be honest, and remember and respect the house rules. this will help you two grow closer, give him something productive to do with his time, keep communication flowing and also enable you to keep a very close eye on him while coaching him through temptations and impulses. Since you will be able to address problems at the impulse and redirect tey will be handles much quicker.

[satsuma]

Thanks for the suggestions.

Originally Posted by lilyka

I also wouldn't repeat myself once I know they have heard me. and if they had a habit of ignoring me I would make sure they heard me the first time (being close, having eye contact, touching them etc . . . ) and help them follow through.

But how do you help them follow through in cases they are making annoying noises, going on top of you, undoing your tyding up, going to the windows soon you turn your back, etc? If he listened the first time instead of laughing at me like I'm a clown, even if I can tell I'm so frustrated to the point of crying, I wouldn't have a problem.

Originally Posted by lilyka

Also it seems like you have placed way to much trust in your 5 year old. Obviously he isn't ready for alone time or unsupervised time.

Obviously, but I am also obviously exausted and not feeling creative enough to play with him. He is very irritating when he gets bored. He engages in something creative for 5 minutes then he decides to go on doing stupid things just to annoy me. Why?

I want peace.

[edgyveggie]

I understand your frustration so well! I have a 4 year old dd who is similar. The lying about everything even if there is no reason to lie! We have had many parent teacher meetings over her behavior (she goes to montessori 1/2 days) and we've been given some great advice.

As lilyka said, asking them why is asking for an unpleasant situation all around. Focus on the "clean up" instead and (somehow) ignore what made the "mess" in the first place. Not easy to do, but it has helped our family a lot. Move forward to a resolution instead of backward to the action. I know it feels like the action is then accepted somehow, like you are giving them permission of sorts to do the undesirable behavior by not "reacting" to IT, but for whatever reason, it is working for us.

I believe I was expecting too much of my dd in the way of being able to communicate her answer to my liking. I was the one who ended up being out of control, which of course led her down that path with me. This moving forward has helped ME keep control and has helped her because of just that.

Also, using handwashing as an example-

me- Have you washed your hands?

dd- ummm, yeah.

me- Oh, can I smell your hands? I love the way that soap smells!!

dd- umm, wait a minute (runs to bathroom, REALLY washes her hands, comes back to me)

dd- Here mommy! Smell my hands!!

me- Oh, I really love that smell!!

Happy everyone!

We've found other ways of using this type of "sneaky psychology" to encourage her. I'll think of them soon and post more examples.

[Jster]

I'd love more suggestions on this too! My mom has been watching my almost 4yo dd and there are a lot of conflicts about lying, not being helpful, being rude, etc. (She and I have conflicts, too, and I'm going crazy some days trying to get more patience, appreciation, and helpfulness rather than argumentativeness and lying) I've printed out this thread to hopefully give us a starting ground to talking about new strategies. Thanks so much and keep the info coming!!