Whew, tough situation.
First – hugs mama. You are genuinely concerned about your DD well being and that’s a great thing.
Second – as the old proverb goes – “if there is a will there is a way”. So if your DD really WANTS to hang out with her friend, she might be willing to do that despite all of the restrictions and punishments you may design. If your DD really WANTS to misbehave (drugs, vandalism, what-have-you), she will, again despite all of the consequences you or somebody else may implement.
How do I know? How do many of us know? Why, we’ve done that! To different degrees – from reading with a flash light under the covers when it was bed time to missing school and lying to your parents about it when you really were out drinking or smoking pot with your “buddies”
Many of us say – “my kids are out of control”, “how can I control my teen”, etc. The truth is – you (generic you) can not control anybody but yourself. Period.
We discuss this “control” thing in Parents as Partners. We discuss it in Gentle Parenting.
On both boards I saw very thorough discussions about this. Yet, it seems that when it comes to teens we all of sudden forget all the great wisdom we had and still strive to control, control, control.
Why? Well – we want best for our kids, of course! I wholeheartedly agree with wanting the best for our kids.
There are times I would love to have some kind of magic switch in my possession that I could flip and voila – my teen (husband, friend, boss, mother-in-law) does what I want! <sigh>
IMO, the only thing we as parents can successfully do to influence our kids life is guide, help and teach. But in order for that to be successful – the other party has to be WILLING to learn and listen. “You can take the horse to the water but you can not make it drink” thing.
So, can we *make* somebody listen (and hear)? I don’t think so
They need to want it.
Having said all that – I would concentrate on rebuilding the relationship based on trust with your DD.
And this should go both ways - she trusts you, you trust her. Only then there is a chance of you becoming a voice that she would trully listen to.
Again, we all know how important and necessary to have such relationship with our partner. Kids are no different in this case. Actually I take that back – they are much harder to do it with. It’s a long and tedious task, but I have no doubt that you are more than willing to undertake it. You know your daughter better than any of us and you know better than any of us where to begin.
PS. Just to reassure that I do “know what I am talking about”.
*I* snuck out from my Special Forces trained Daddy, many times successfully, who would spy on me with binoculars, tape my phone conversations and beat me if I was caught. (in my case it was to see a love of my life whom I started dating at 15. We’ve been married for 18 years. And I *know* it’s an exception to the rule) I learned a LOT . About lying that is.
And my own teen is going to be 18 next month