Am I being too paranoid? Or does this sound healthy?

[A&A]

My 8 yo. dd is very bright, and relates to adults very well. She has a large vocabulary and adults find her charming.

Anyway, her (female) book club leader at school took an interest in her. We are changing schools next year, but "Joan" asked me if she could still see my dd to talk about books occasionally (lend her books, etc.) I was fine with that. She wanted my dd to still be in book club but I said that was logistically difficult (since the meetings are held at the old school.)

Joan's son is my dd's age--and they get along but aren't really friends. We invited the son to my dd's birthday party, and Joan stayed the whole time (which was fine.)

Then Joan told me about a yard sale she was having, so I went to it, and I took my dd. Well, she was just really "gushing" over my dd. She said she wanted to adopt her, she loved her, she was her special girl, etc. And she gave her a couple of hugs. My dd likes adult conversation, and she likes Joan. Anyway, whereas I had never gotten any "weird" vibes from Joan before, it was started to make me a little uncomfortable at the yard sale that she was gushing SO much about my dd.

She wanted to give her a special toy from her childhood. I said we were trying to not accumulate too much stuff that we didn't really need. She said, "but I really wanted it to go to someone special." Then she pretend-whispered (not really whispering) to my dd that she'd have to give it to her behind my back. That was strange.

Now Joan wants my dd to come over for a playdate with her son. But, like I said, my dd and her son aren't really friends. Should I take her, but stay the whole time, or just let her go over there by herself? Or blow Joan off totally?

My dh thinks that Joan just wants the dd she never had (she has two boys). I didn't get immediate alarm bells with her, which I get with some people. But now I'm getting delayed alarm bells. What do you think?

[mbhf]

i voted that it sounds like she just wants a daughter, but i do think it sounds a little weird. but im all for following your gut, so if it bothers you, i would stay away from her.

[stafl]

I would probably take her to the playdate and stay there the whole time. At least in my circle of friends, nobody just drops off their kids to play at someone else's house, playdates are as much for the moms to socialize as for the kids. Grab a cuppa coffee and strike up a conversation with this lady, get to know her better. Then, if you are still uncomfortable with her, simply distance yourself and your child from her and her family.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by stafl

I would probably take her to the playdate and stay there the whole time. At least in my circle of friends, nobody just drops off their kids to play at someone else's house, playdates are as much for the moms to socialize as for the kids. Grab a cuppa coffee and strike up a conversation with this lady, get to know her better. Then, if you are still uncomfortable with her, simply distance yourself and your child from her and her family.

Um Stafl, this is a little OT, but with EIGHT y.o's people don't drop off for playdates????? How about at 10, 12?????

BUT, in this situtaion I would stay, if you let her have the playdate. I think she want a dd. She has thought about having a "special relationship" with a girl as a way of dealing with this. But I would stay, and if the alarm bells still go off I would cut off the whole thing.

[the sunshine]

Trust your gut. If she's making you uncomfortable, then limit the time your daughter spends with her and make sure you're there. If you keep getting weird vibes, then just stop.

[onlyzombiecat]

It might creep me out if someone was like that with my dd.
Go with your instincts.

[JamesMama]

I voted she probably just wants a daughter so she's mothering your dd, but you're the mama, trust your mama instincts...they are a powerful thing and more often than not they are right.

[mamawanabe]

I "adopt" little girls. Growing up, I always had a "little sister" (usually a boyfriend's or friend's younger sister) and now I find myself doing this with my dh's niece. I imagine taking her with us on trips when dh and I have our own kids (she'd be old enough to babysit then).

I don't think it is out of the realm of normality for this woman to have "adopted" you dd in this way. BUT, if it makes you uncomfortable, stick around whenever they are together and talk to your daughter about her boundaries and about telling with you when anything that feels uncomfortable/weird, even if this uncomfort has good parts to it too.

[Maman*Musique]

Originally Posted by A&A

Then she pretend-whispered (not really whispering) to my dd that she'd have to give it to her behind my back. That was strange.

This is the bit that would give me pause... I wouldn't leave them alone together but I am pretty touchy when it comes to folks undermining me - especially in front of my children (even if it is meant in jest)

[USAmma]

It would make me uncomfortable, personally. I would say no thanks, save that toy for your grandchildren.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by stafl

At least in my circle of friends, nobody just drops off their kids to play at someone else's house, playdates are as much for the moms to socialize as for the kids.

This kid is 8. It would be wierd to go along to a playdate for an 8 year old. For my kids (who are 7 and 8), playdates are about spending time with kids who they share common interests -- it isn't about hanging out with random kids whose moms I like. Things change.

Anyway, back to the OP, how does your DD feel about this women? Does she enjoy spending time with her? Some women never get over not having a DD (there was recently a thread about here) and it sounds like that is what is going on. Even that, though, could get a little strange and unhealthy for your DD.

[lilyka]

I voted other because while I think she is making your dd the daughter she never had I think it is far from healthy.

1. your dd has a mother already. Being a mother is hard. you don't always get to be the fun guy. the last thing you need is competion from someone whose whole intent is spoiling your dd and lavishing her with everything she thinks she would have lavished on the fantasy dd that has been growing in her head for 30-40 years since she was five and dreaming of being a mommy to a litle girl. I would also be woried about someone other than mom and dad having this sort influance over my child. Whats gonna happen the day you tell her no about something and she pouts "I wish Joan was my mom . .. " or "joan is a better mom than you. she would take me . . . "ick.

2. this lady already has kids. they have got to feel a little put out by this. How sad that your mom has to go out and find kids to love because the two she has are missing something (girliness and whatever else she finds so atractive about your dd, she sems to think she is positively perfect)

3. all this "isn't she perfect, isn't she just the greatest" stuff is bound to go to her head. :LOL

4. it feels to me that your dd is being used to fulfil some deep daughter fantasy. yuck. My neighbor wanted to use my dd to fulfil her creepy baby need (it goes beyond normal to where she really needs counseling. it was also about dd being a baby *girl* which she really wanted and if she was only going to be allowed to have one child why did it have to be a boy . . . trust me when I say it was creepy enough to where I didn't feel comfortable letting her touch dd or even look at her too much. I still don't like to bring her around too much as we still get her gushing and carrying on about how great she is - which of course she is - but it is like she just thinks she is everything her dd would have been and then has expectations on how my dd should be because she assumes that is how her dd would have been assuming she had ever been loved enough by the universe to have one. and then it gets onto her tirade about she must have done something bad to never been allowed to have a preciious dd like mine and on and on, it goes way beyond the normal feelings of wanting to experiance the child of the gender you never got - I have thre girls. I understand wanting a boy) anyway like I said, I don't know how your dd feels about this, some kids will groove on all the attention and others will be weirded out and get the feeling they are being used. I would think that since she is expected to go on playdates with people she isn't exactly close to she might start feeling a little used.

i would stay at the platydate and make sure it is the kids playing.

the whole thing seems weird and unhealthy to me on many levels. but not odd.

and Wannabe - it is totally different to shower affection on your niece or little (future) SIL. they are family.

[babybugmama]

I would do what stafl suggested...go with, hang out have coffee and tune the radar in. If you get bad vibes then back off. It does feel a little odd to me though.

[mamawanabe]

I don't know - her whole life there are going to be people who try to get at something through a relationship with her, who try to heal emotional wounds and fullfill desires via her; why not shepard her though this, giving her the tools to understand it and hence to recognize and deal with it in the future. I was always pretty smart at recognizing when this was happening in part because when I was young my mom discussed other people's motivations with me. In this case, she would have let Joan "spoil me," but she would also have told me about Joan's attempt to compensate for not having a daughter by playing "auntie" to me, she would have told me about Joan's unrealistic desire for a mother-daughter bond with me . Armed with that information, I would have understood that my relatsionship with Joan was really about "Joan," which would have relieved me of having to live up to it in some way, and I would have been able to articulate to my mom when things felt too heavy (so my mom could step in and say "enough"), but most importantly, I would have been given early experience dealing, rather saftly, with the realities of human relatiosnhips - relatisonhips that are always messy and complicted. I imagine I would have gotten a lot of out a a relationship with a doting adult, but only if I understood what was going on. An 8 year old can fully understand. So I say talk to her about why tou think Joan is acting this way.

[Soundhunter]

How does your daughter feel about her relationship with Joan? how does your daughter talk about her? If you where to put more reigns on the relationship, how would your daughter feel? I don't think it's that unusual for women and young girls to befriend each other, but I also see nothing wrong with you hovering if you are uncomfortable.

[Periwinkle]

It's hard to say not being there to pick up on every little thing but I would just go with your instincts on this one. Which sound to me like you should find a way to back out of this one. I think if you feel the need to monitor the playdate if you wouldn't normally, then that's a pretty strong sign you probbly shouldn't be having playdates with her at all.

[amyjeans]

Originally Posted by Maman*Musique

This is the bit that would give me pause... I wouldn't leave them alone together but I am pretty touchy when it comes to folks undermining me - especially in front of my children (even if it is meant in jest)

I totally agree with this...
her whispering creeped me out as I read it.

Sorry, you're the mama, and what you say goes.

[meowee]

I have a friend whose son became the obsessive fixation of his music teacher. I would cut it off ASAP. Doing things behind your back and saying she wants to adopt her are totally not okay.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by mamawanabe

I "adopt" little girls. Growing up, I always had a "little sister" (usually a boyfriend's or friend's younger sister) and now I find myself doing this with my dh's niece. I imagine taking her with us on trips when dh and I have our own kids (she'd be old enough to babysit then).

THIS I do understand. My sister has "adopted" my dd as well, and that is perfectly wonderful to me. Or if this woman were my friend first, and then liked my dd a lot, I would see that as normal. But striking up a friendship with my dd first, and me second, makes me think it's a little bit strange.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Anyway, back to the OP, how does your DD feel about this woman?

Yes, she likes her. I know there's the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality, and all that..........so I don't know.