Playdates...Stay or leave?

[mother nurture]

I was reading in a different thread that some mamas have conflicting thoughts on what age to leave your dc for a playdate. My dd is still at an age where I stay w/ her. I never actually thought about when she gets older and what is an age to drop her off. I realize I have lots of years to decide and it will depend on the situation, but....do some of you think you SHOULD leave your dc at a certain age? Do you think that it is not good to go with them after age 8, 9, 10? Or...do you think that it is important to be w/ your dc at that age, or at least close by, but giving them independence? Is it that if you go and form a bond w/ these other mamas that your child is being FORCED to play w/ certain children? I am a little confused by what was said in the other post and just want to hear the reasoning behind this (On both sides).

Peace and Love

[lilyka]

OK depends. sometimes I stay because I enjoy the company and the friend who invited us enjoys my company equally. and sometimes my friends stay on the same pretense. but if i had nothing in common with the mom, didn't know her well or didn't enjoy her company I wouldn't expector really want her to stay. (and wouldn't let my child play at her house so that would be a non issue)

Also since I have thre children I wouldn't expect someone to entertain my whole family when just one child has been invited. what a drag. an would be offended if invited one child over and got stuck entertaining a bunch of kids and thier parents. also it is just easier to enforce house rules and keep tabs on what the kids are doing iof I am not distracted by other parents. not to mention I usually have plans to get stuff done while kids are over and dds are happily occupied.

for the most part we don't do playdates. My friends and I trade off with the expectation of giving each other a break so I grab thier kids and send them out the door to get busy. atfer all they only have a few hours and time is burning. and we started this when the babies were well babies. I rarely have time to sit on someones couch and just chat. I guess most of my playdates and such are amoung the same circle of introverted friends. If we want to socialize as adults we gather all together and socialize as a group to optimize our time and turn the kids loose :LOL we are so lame.

[Diane~Alena]

I have stayed on play dates unless I know the women and trust her. Now that my girls are 8 and know their own phone numer and how to call me I feel ok with leaving them because I know they will call if they want to come home at any time.

[LunaMom]

It really depends on the child, the parent hosting the playdate, and your own comfort level.

DD is 6 1/2 and is very comfotable going to a friend's house without me present, even having the friend's mom pick her up at school. Whether or not I am included depends on how well I know the mom and trust her supervision (and driving). If the mom invites me to stay for coffee and I feel like socializing, fine. If she doesn't invite me but I don't know her at all, I come right out and tell her that on first playdates with someone I don't know, DD and I are a package deal. It's a little awkward inviting yourself, but that's just my policy. I'm happy to have their kid at my house instead if the think I'm intruding. And I always let moms know that they are welcome to stay if the feel the need, just so they don't have to feel awkward about asking. I wish everyone was that thoughful!

Oh, and if there's a pool involved, I always stay.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mother nurture

Do you think that it is not good to go with them after age 8, 9, 10? Or...do you think that it is important to be w/ your dc at that age, or at least close by, but giving them independence?

I think that there comes a time when going along every time my kids play with another child becomes absurd. We live next door to a little girl who is the same age as my DDs. She is over here a lot, and my kids are over there a lot. They play together for several hours a day (some days 7 or 8 hours). If either I or the other mom felt like we needed to both be there, the kids couldn't spend this kind of time together. The thing is, when the kids are playing together, they generally go off and play. They don't require much supervision at all. It is totally different than taking care of little kids who are still learning to share or need help going to the bathroom or whatever.

I didn't feel like we are "trading off" because it isn't any work to have them all here. The most I do is cut up fruit for them to munch on :LOL

Is it that if you go and form a bond w/ these other mamas that your child is being FORCED to play w/ certain children?

There are some kids my kids spend time with because I am friends with the mom. They might not be the kids that they have the most in common with. There are other kids that my kids spend time with because they enjoy their company. I might not know the other moms or care to spend my afternoon chatting with them.

My kids have made friends through Girl Scouts and gone to their houses to play when I didn't know the mom that well. I've talked to the mom first, but I don't feel like I need to sit in her house the whole time.

[Flor]

My stepson is kinda shy and often won't go on a playdate if I won't stick around for a little while. He's 10, BTW. Usually, I come to the door, meet the mom, then she invites me in, and then we chat, and I double check with dss, and leave. Otherwise, he just would tell his friends 'no' and would avoid new situations. If he knows the mom well, like she's a volunteer inthe classroom, then he doesn't feel this way, and I don't have to force my way in the door :LOL . It is awkward though, when dss gets a call to come over and we don't know the parents. . .you think of all the terrible things that could happen, and lucky for us, dss usually needs a little help to get there. For birthday parties I always write "parents can drop off or stay for party" and usually there are a couple of parents who stay with their kids (yes, this was his 10th bday).

There are a few kids that dss has to play with because I like to visit with the mom. I think its ok. I tell him they don;t have to be his best friends, just figure out what you like to do with them, do they have a playstation, or a tree house, or some game you don't have, and figure out how to enjoy them. I think it's a good social skill.

[Linda on the move]

My kids got invitations to drop off events when they were quite young and not ready. We said "no thank you." My older Dd was invited to a drop off B-day party when she was 4. Even though she knew the other parent well, she would not have been comfortable with that. My younger DD was invited to a slumber party when she was 6 -- we had never met the parents. I called and said that my DD would love to come to the evening part of the party, but not sleep over, and that we would need to arrange a time to pick her back up, at 9 or 10 or whatever would work well for what the parents had planned. They ended up needing to reschedule the party, and it happened when we were having out of town guest so my DD didn't go at all. Both of my kids were invited to a B-day party at a park, and I didn't trust the mom to keep a close eye on them, so I stayed even though she made it very, very clear that it was a drop off party.

Most kids I know IRL who are my kids ages have had numerous sleep overs, but mine have not. They aren't ready.

When my kids were younger, their B-day parties were a family deal and the entire family was invited. We've gradually changed to parents and sibs being optional. At my DDs 8th B-day, some parents stayed, some didn't and it was fine.

[srain]

'Round here, parents think it's weird that I want to stay with my son for at least the first part of a first playdate because it takes him a while to settle in. And he's not even 5! It's pretty awkward because I'm really not invited, but my son needs me to stay.

[charmander]

My son (age 6 1/2) was invited to a drop-off party for his school friend, who was turning 6. This was the first party that I was not going to attend with him. It was going to a movie and then pizza for 5 boys who were all in the same kindergarten class. He was gone from 1:15 - 6:15 when the boy's parent's brought him home. (They actually called around 5pm at the original ending time of the party and asked if DS could stay longer since they were all having so much fun.)

I was kind of nervous about the whole thing, but he was so happy when he got home. He had had a great time.

I would not have allowed this say, when DS was 4 or probably even 5, but he's much more mature now (and we very much like the parents and know that they had everything under control.)

[maya44]

Where we live, 4 seems to be the age at which drop off playdates are expected.

At 5 some parents still stay for b-day parties but by 6 no one stay (though you might stay if the parents are YOUR very close friends. Usually 2 or 3 parents might stay at the 6-8 age range).

My kids never wanted me to stay with them. They though it was wierd when kids wanted their parents to stay because they loved being with their friends so much.

[stafl]

My oldest is only four, and I can't imagine not staying at a playdate. Mostly DD's friends are kids of my friends, and this has never been an issue. The adults get some much needed adult conversation while the kids play. It works to everyone's advantage. Many of our "playdates" double as other excuses to get together, homeschool support group meetings, and such. When I invite a kid to play, it is expected that mom will stay, too. But I think it might be different if my kids were in school. Seems parents who send their kids to school do things a lot differently than my homeschool friends.

I have no idea when I'll feel comfortable leaving DD to play, but I suppose it would mostly be when *she's* comfortable with it, and I know she wouldn't be just yet. I also think I would stay for first playdates, if I didn't know the other kid's parents. I have some friends currently that I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my kids with, without me being there, for various reasons (mostly because I've seen them be verbally abusive towards their own children and I will not let anyone speak to my kids that way). But their kids and mine are about the same ages, and they really like playing together.

[moonshine]

DD had one playdate so far that I dropped her off when she wasn't quite 3.5. I knew that she loved this friend, and I trusted the other parent. It was the other parent's suggestion, and DD was cool with it, so we did it. The hardest part for her was leaving. This is a preschool friend, so I think that since DD is used to being there without me, she didn't think much of staying with the friend without me. I would do it again if I thought that she was ok with it.

She is at the age that when the sitter comes, she will tell me to go do whatever I am leaving to do for a long time because she wants lots of playtime with the sitter and without me. Guess she is more fun. :LOL Actually, I think DD just wants some space and other interactions, which is fine with me.

[mother nurture]

Originally Posted by stafl

My oldest is only four, and I can't imagine not staying at a playdate. Mostly DD's friends are kids of my friends, and this has never been an issue. The adults get some much needed adult conversation while the kids play. It works to everyone's advantage. Many of our "playdates" double as other excuses to get together, homeschool support group meetings, and such. When I invite a kid to play, it is expected that mom will stay, too. But I think it might be different if my kids were in school. Seems parents who send their kids to school do things a lot differently than my homeschool friends.

This is how it seems to be with a lot of women locally, too. My dd is only 14 months now, but I can't imagine leaving her at 4 for a drop-off playdate! Unless, it was with a well trusted friend, and I needed to run a quick errand or something like that! Most women in my community who have children around dd, and are ap/nfl have more of group playdates, when all the mamas and children get together. The children play together and the mothers have a support network of friends. I believe this is more how it will work for me. I wouldn't want dd to be forced to play w/ certain children, only b/c I was friends w/ their parent. But, I don't think I'll be willing to drop her off w/ someone who I don't know, even at age 10. My mom would always want to meet and call the parents of whoever I was playing with. Even when I was 14. I think communication and knowledge with and about other parents who you will be entrusting your child's care w/ is VERY important, no matter what the age!

But, then again...I am still learning and realize that my views may change as dd gets older

[Mere]

Dd just had her first drop-off playdate with a 4 yo from her class (the 4yo was dropped off at our house) and it went SO smoothly. They stayed upstairs and played dressup the whole time, and never had any issues at all. While I've known this girl's parents since the girls were babies together at daycare, it's on a very superficial level...I don't really know much about them. I was sort of hoping they wouldn't want to stay, and once they made sure their dd was comfortable, they didn't.

Anyhow, I'm surprised at myself for saying this, but I think I'd feel comfortable dropping dd off at their house for a short playdate (we did 2 hours). That certainly wouldn't be the case for every one of her friends though...some pairings definitely require more supervision than others.