In-laws thinking they are always right

[Adamsmama]

I'm hoping I'm placing this in the right place. Recently we had a huge fight with my MIL & FIL. They think a lot of what we do and believe (how we want to raise are kids) are trivial things and that their way is just as right if not more right. I am not a judgemental person and even if I disagree with someone usually keep it to myself. Anyway, we had this huge fight and it came out (actually MIL told this to DH too...) that she thinks because she has raised 2 kids (30 years ago) that she is a better parent than we are--they are older, wiser, etc. She actually asked DH if he would trust her or me with our kids more! Is this normal for grandparents to feel this way (like the grandkids are actually their kids). Also we don't live close to them at all--we see them usually every 3-4 months for about 4 days or so. I now feel like I'm a true outsider in their family. DH kept saying when you are with our kids you should follow our preferences for them and they said no they should do it their way as long as it won't get them killed... :

[alegna]

They sound pretty freaky as far as control. Personally if they've said they won't follow my directions with MY kids, then they don't get to be alone with my kids. Period.

good luck

-Angela

[Kincaid]

She actually asked DH if he would trust her or me with our kids more!

I sure hope your husband set her straight.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Kincaid

I sure hope your husband set her straight.

Absolutely. If my MIL EVER EVER said something like that, I would cut her off immediately. Grandparenting is a privlege, not a right.

[Bethla]

Guess it's good they don't live so close.

What are some of the issues that created such a heated debate?

[Adamsmama]

They think I'm too funny about feeding our baby (he is bfed and is also on organic solids only...I'm on a food schedule with him to introduce new fruits and vegetables every week). She just rolls her eyes at a lot of stuff like that...Honestly we didn't go into that many specifics...it is just a general what they think is right and I'm just overprotective. DH did set her straight...and told her if there was any question about anything he would always side with me. When I heard them say that they think they could parent our kids better ... I just about freaked out. They are nuts! I told them that was pretty arrogant. There is a thing between she and I...she questions me all the time. She also shares drinks with my toddler everytime we go out with them. It drives me nuts but I keep my mouth shut. I hate him sharing germs with her. If I say anything suddenly I'm the crazy one. On more than one occasion FIL and MIL have shared drinks with him (water bottle) when they've had a cold, the flu, cold sores, stomach virus, etc. I'm about to the point that I just tell her how I feel and I don't care what she thinks...

[mamalisa]

My fil actually walked into our house once and told us we were "doing it all wrong". We were so stunned we could barely form a response. I can't even remember how the conversation ended, but needless to say, things didn't change to the way that my inlaws wanted them and only got "worse" for them. I think that telling them that they had the chance to raise their kids and that now is the time for them to enjoy them, not to have to worry about the choice their parents make. They need to trust that they raised their son to be a good parent

[Messac888]

Hugs to you. My inlaws think my dh and I are parenting well- it's MY parents that think we're nuts. Well, they think I'M nuts, and that my dh is a fool for "going along with" my "antics." Sheesh. : Regardless, it just means that we smile and don't get into debates on what dh and I are doing "wrong" (such as leaving our ds intact, not vaxing, bfing as long as humanly possible, eating a primarily vegetarian diet, I stay home with the kids, and we fully intend to homeschool- we must be crazy, lol). When my dad (the one who is more likely to get into debates on our parenting with us) starts in on me, I cut him off and tell him I'm not willing to discuss it, he made his mistakes and it's my turn now. Then he talks to my dh separately (this ticks me off) and dh tells him the same thing. My mom finally stopped commenting when I told her I was going to start using cloth toilet paper. I think she finally realized the extent of my crunchiness and decided to just accept our "oddness" and leave us alone.

Anyway. Advice, I would try not to get into it with them. Next time she gets crabby about the kids not being allowed soda just tell her, "They have their whole lives to drink junk, so for now they can drink" water, milk, juice, whatever you choose for them. Same for junk snacks. There is no good reason why little kids need to be introduced to junk food. Be proud of your parenting, and don't let anyone waive you to their side of the fence. When your ds is at a Farmer's market that has a popcorn wagon but decides to walk around eating a tomato like it's an apple instead, you'll realize how much what you;re doing for your kids is truly worth.

[Adamsmama]

Thanks for the advice. I'm still trying to figure out if I should do anything right now or just drop it.

[iris0110]

Dh says I am confrontational, but if my IL's or parents said something like that I would tell them that "These are my kids. We are doing things my way. If you don't like it you know where the door is." If they told me that they wouldn't honor my rules while they were alone with my kids then they would never be alone with my kids. Lifes to short to waste trying to make toxic people happy.


Hmmmm maybe I am confrontational

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Adamsmama

Thanks for the advice. I'm still trying to figure out if I should do anything right now or just drop it.

You have to do what feels right. If I were you, though, I would just drop it. Why bother, really? No matter what you say, they're going to continue to think they're right. Why waste your breath? The bottom line is that it seriously doesn't matter what they think. They can think they're right and roll their eyes all they want. These are your children, to be parented as you see fit, and if they choose not to get with the program then they don't get to be alone with your children. Meanwhile, you go on doing things exactly as you like.

You have all the power here.

[captain optimism]

I am starting to think that it IS normal, or at least usual, for new grandparents to behave this way! I would not confront them unless they get in your face. In which case, the answer is, "I am so glad you raised such a wonderful man as my dh. Now it's my turn, and since this is my baby, I will make the decisions about what he eats and about his safety. It's my job to read up on what's current and decide. I wonder, did your parents and ILs give you a lot of advice about dh when he was a baby?"

[CerridwenLorelei]

odd woman out here

I think your mil crossed the line when she said she could parent your kids better and asked dh who he would trust more..

Thank goodness your dh and you are on the same page and he stands up for you and what the two of you believe

I would never let my kids be alone with these people but that is just me
and those four days might get cut to two and definitely if you can stay elsewhere like a hotel or such...


should you do anything ? yes protect your kids from them as much as possible, stand united with dh and keep them at arms length

[Suzetta]

I would love it if my parents would just come out and say what is on their mind about things. Instead my dad picks fights over really stupid, irrelevant stuff, when really all he wants to do is take control of us and every thing we do.

With my mom, the conversations are always clouded, and she won't really say what is on her mind about things.

What really makes me mad, though, is how I will say something that I do, and later she will give me "advice", which is really just what I told her I do earlier.

Strange how g-parents need so desperately to be in charge of us even as adults.

[ashleep]

Originally Posted by CerridwenLorelei

I think your mil crossed the line when she said she could parent your kids better and asked dh who he would trust more..

Thank goodness your dh and you are on the same page and he stands up for you and what the two of you believe

I would never let my kids be alone with these people but that is just me
and those four days might get cut to two and definitely if you can stay elsewhere like a hotel or such...


should you do anything ? yes protect your kids from them as much as possible, stand united with dh and keep them at arms length

I agree. It's one thing to say that she disagrees with what you are doing, but to actually question your husband like that almost feels threatening to me. Not that I think she's actually going to do anything, but that statement really crosses the line from just criticizing your choices.

And I would not leave the kids alone with them either. They seem like the type to do things just to spite you. :

[Messac888]

Originally Posted by Adamsmama

I'm still trying to figure out if I should do anything right now or just drop it.

I agree with a pp, do what you feel is right. If I were in your shoes, I'd not be able to rest until I brought it up one more time. Even if it's in the form of a letter (though I don't like letter-writing much since copies can be made and distributed to people who don't need to read it). I would basically say, "Hey guys, dw (since dh would be the one confronting them since they're his parents) and I talked about this at length and we were incredibly insulted by the fact that you feel you'd be better parents for our child/ren than we are. When the kids are grown adults we'll compare notes, but for now, we're going to raise our children the best way that we see fit. As far as being unwilling to follow our guidelines for our child/ren while we're not around, it not only shows us that you don't trust our parenting enough to respect it, but it also shows us that we can no longer trust your grandparenting until our child/ren is old enough to tell us what happens when we are not around. Therefore, there will be very limited (or non-exsistent) alone time with your grandchild/ren until we once again feel that we can trust and respect your grandparenting." Period.

I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes harsh is the only way to make a point to the thick-skulled people in the family (and believe me, our family has a lot of them). Good luck- and keep us posted on whatever you decide to do!

[Adamsmama]

Melissa--I wish I had the guts to say that to them. I agree about the letter writing thing--once it is in print then they can read it to everyone, etc. However, sometimes it is the only way to be heard.

Also, it scares me that they are so arrogant and I'm hoping that is not a part of getting older that you become a know-it-all, as well. Ugh!

[L.J.]

People who act judgemental and arrogant tend to do so because they feel insecure in themselves and their abilities. They project their inadequacies onto someone else in an attempt to make themselves feel better by being "right."

I think if you initiate another conversation, it would then reverse the situation and now it would be you trying to be "right". If the topic comes up again, I think you can clearly state your boundaries. "These are our children. We will raise them the way we see fit. Our parenting is not a topic open for discussion." Period.

I find that because many of us are parenting differently than our parents, some are feeling threatened by it. I know my aunt thinks that because she spanked and we don't that somehow she was "wrong" and she immediately gets defensive. It's not about right or wrong. She did the best she knew how to do at the time and we are doing the best we know how to at this time. Your inlaws don't want to feel like they are "wrong."

It sounds like the way they've approached this has been horrible and difficult. You have an amazing husband and good for him for standing up for you and your family first.

There is a lot of wisdom we can learn from older generations. I think that sometimes they have learned from their experiences and truly want to help us from going through what they did. Problem is, that most of us, even as adults, don't want our parents telling us what to do. And often, it's difficult for them to hear that their children are making choices differently than their own.

Fast forward 20 years and imagine how easy or difficult it would be for you, as a grandparent, to hear your child and their spouse announce that they were going to circumcise, vaccinate and feed junk food for their child and not want to scream and shout all the wisdom you have learned over the years.
Just some food for thought.

[soccerchic21]

We actually get more flack from my BIL and his wife. I think that some people take it as a personal attack when you don't do or try what they did. As if you are saying what they did was "wrong".

Maybe next time if it comes up tell them that they had their time to raise children and obviously did a decent job on your DH with what they knew and now it is your time to raise YOUR children with what you know. Just because you are doing things differently does not mean that they were necessarily "wrong". You are just choosing different methods for your children.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by soccerchic21

We actually get more flack from my BIL and his wife. I think that some people take it as a personal attack when you don't do or try what they did. As if you are saying what they did was "wrong".

Maybe next time if it comes up tell them that they had their time to raise children and obviously did a decent job on your DH with what they knew and now it is your time to raise YOUR children with what you know. Just because you are doing things differently does not mean that they were necessarily "wrong". You are just choosing different methods for your children.

Well, sometimes people do tend to come off as if they are saying you are wrong. For instance, I BF my first 2 boys. My third one, who is now 6 mos old, I could not due to a medical problem. On another board I frequent, you should have read the advice I got. Remember, this is my third and I am an experienced BF mom. I had people basically telling me I was a bad mother and didn't try hard enough and didn't try what I said I tried. I also had them saying I was lazy and bad for not pumping either. For one, I know my body and know what I can and cannot do. All I wanted was support and maybe some sympathy because I wanted to BF and couldn't, not be made to feel I was a child abuser simply because I bottle feed. He is 18 lbs, 27 inches long, and the happiest baby you have ever seen. I do not think I have done badly.