In-laws thinking they are always right - Page 2

[soccerchic21]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

Well, sometimes people do tend to come off as if they are saying you are wrong.

I am sorry for your experience. What I was referring to and I should have elaborated is that my BIL and his wife circ, do disposables, and didn't breastfeed.

So because we do extended breastfeeding and I told them why we don't do disposables (envoirnment, chemicals, cost) or circ (no reason to with medical backing)....this of course all after they asked us why...then they got all defensive.

[pageta]

I think that some people think that if you do something differently than they do/did, then you are actively passing judgment on them. My MIL is that way (MIL/FIL are divorced). I mean, she drives a Grand Am and we drive a Saturn, and if she thinks about cars the same way she thinks about parenting, I'm sure she thinks that we think she is stupid for driving a Grand Am since we don't drive one ourselves. Quite frankly, we don't care what we or she drives as long as it gets us/her down the road. That would not be a case in point, but it would be a good example of the types of issue she tries to argue with us about. When we tell her, no, we do it this way because x, y and z, she just gets upset and complains that "we don't think she knows what she's talking about." Needless to say, I could say the same of her and more of it.

I personally don't worry about how other people parent - I don't have time to do that because I am busy worrying about how I can best parent my children. Most people worry very little about what other people are doing, but some people think that all people do is judge other people. I think it's immaturity on their part, but regardless of what I think of it, it is there just the same. When you do something different than them, they consider it a direct judgement of how they do things even though that has nothing to do with it.

I don't know what to tell you except that I feel your pain and that you need to stick to your guns and do what YOU think is right for YOUR children. I also am not opposed to limiting time with people who practice this type of irrational thinking. It's their loss, not yours.

[skippy]

We have a similar - not quite as extreme - situation with my MIL. MIL agrees to my face with all our parenting decisions but tears me down to my SIL (and successfully pits us against each other) and also does things that she knows are not OK with us when we're not around, e.g., ice cream for dinner.

I really try to limit the amount of time that she is alone with dd but she is very aggressive about wanting to babysit all the time. It's hard to put her off w/out causing more trouble. She was a lot more trustworthy when dd was a baby but now that she's a toddler it seems like our rules are being thrown out the window. I feel like the Spanish Inquisition when we get home but I grill her about every single detail of their time together. It's been hard but I have also learned not to be shy about telling her not to do things, e.g., "it may be fun for you to let dd 'drive' the car in the driveway but now she screams whenever we put her in the carseat instead of the driver's seat." I told her recently that the things she thinks are fun and cute are a total pain in the butt for those of us that have to live w/ dd 24/7 and that I would appreciate it if she thought about that once in a while. It seemed to help.

If she would just be up front about not agreeing with us it would be so much easier; dh and I are united on this and it's the one area where I know he would stand up to her. It doesn't help that she has a PhD in early childhood development so she thinks she is the expert on anything child-related, despite the fact that her actions totally contradict her own words. We've seen how this has played out with our older nieces and swore that we would not let it get out of hand with our children. It really annoys me that she thinks our rules are optional.

[UnschoolnMa]

Oh yea I would be bringing it up.

[Muffin Girl]

I hope this isn't my second response. I was typing a response and when I went to submit it, it said I was no longer logged on so forgive me if this is a double. I will be shorter with this one. I have a particularly intrusive and opinionated MIL and SIL so this subject touches a strong chord with me. It is not a democracy between you and your extended family on how to raise your kids. No one else besides you and your husband makes those decisions. If your in-laws stray from your wishes or challenge your authority in the case of your children, they have forefitted the right to spend time with their grandchildren.
I understand your plight and to give me strength whenever I get panicky about setting boundaries with my MIL or SIL because I don't want to cause strife in the family, I look at my son and it reminds me that my duty as his mom is to provide him with the best influences and environment that I can. If I know someone or something isn't good for him and I allow it to happen because I'm scared to assert myself, then I feel I have failed as a parent. One thing my MIL does that drives me insane is this: my 9-mos. old son, like any baby, will sometimes turn his head away when you try to kiss him. My MIL grabs his face with both hands and physically turns his head so she can kiss him. This is something I have not addressed yet because she cries whenever you say something to her and it makes me uncomfortable (so I haven't mastered this yet) but I am building up my resolve. My thoughts are with you ... good luck.

[Peony]

Yep, been there. I hate to confront people so I kept trying to ignore all the things MIL did until it got to the point where she said dd was malnourished( I guess bfing equals starvation) along with other things. We didn't speak for 1.5 years, and now her time with dd and I is very limited, and she knows not to say anything if she wants to see dd at all. BTW I had to write an e-mail to confront her, I know that it can be passed around, but I got the one she sent me back and that one makes mine look mighty pale. Looking back I wish that I had spoke up and established boundaries when MIL first started saying things, it would of saved me alot of heartache later on. Good luck.

[marta]

I get along fine with IL but also hate stuff they do: they see our children about every 3 months (although we live in the same city!) and everytime they give them chocolate bars and other candy (which I throw away before the kids even ask about it) and sometimes give them clothes as presents (which they can't care less about). Also they never ever give them water at mealtime but juice and for afternoon snack they only have chocolate yogurts and and cookies, not proper bread.

But, as they're with the kids for such a short occasional time, I just don't mind. It won't hurt anybody, sp. the kids, if they eat a chocolate yogurt every 3 months. They never ask for it at our home, nor for other junk, so it's ok with us.

My parents are much more in tune with us food and education -wise but still we have some arguments... I guess it's inevitable and i only think about their opinions as opinions, not as criticisms, evenb if they're meant to be (which sometimes they are...). It's my children, I do whatever I want with them, but I'm not a control freak and if they have steak with fries everytime they go to my parents (1 or 2 a month) that's ok w/ me also, 'cos they love that food and associate it with being at their grandparents', whom they love.



Marta, SAHM mom to Manuel (b 2000), Mariana (b 2002) and João (b 3/29/2005)

[Adamsmama]

Thanks for all the responses. After reading every one elses reply I want to say that this situation seems different than a parent not agreeing with you. For instance, my Dad says things every once in a while and I let them roll of my back. My ILs just have this way about them that is so arrogant and controlling. When they do anything -- it is more how they do it. They body language and words used is that of disrespect. MIL loves to act take charge and motherly--which especially the mothering part--I've very sensitive about. My 2.5 year old son has some delays which we are now having checked out. I told her recently that I'm really sensitive to the fact that he treats almost everyone the same there is no "mommy" or "daddy" ... he acts the same with everyone he knows. Also, I have a really hard time speaking up and when I do she speaks up even louder. Nothing is confrontational--except our recent fight. I'm willing to accept that part of the problem is this wierd situation we are in but a lot of it has to do with them, too. I just feel like I need to address the issues again but now DH is over everything and wants everything to be normal. :

[captain optimism]

Originally Posted by Adamsmama

I told her recently that I'm really sensitive to the fact that he treats almost everyone the same there is no "mommy" or "daddy" ... he acts the same with everyone he knows. Also, I have a really hard time speaking up and when I do she speaks up even louder. Nothing is confrontational--except our recent fight. I'm willing to accept that part of the problem is this wierd situation we are in but a lot of it has to do with them, too. I just feel like I need to address the issues again but now DH is over everything and wants everything to be normal. :

Now that you say that your child has possible delays, I see the situation in a new light. My mom's good friend (whom I loved and who just passed away) had a very hard time accepting that her first grandchild had Asperger's Syndrome. She told my mom, "He's just strange." Now I know that she knew that wasn't it! She was a speech therapist working with children--she knew better than to say "he's just strange." It was just hard for her to accept this about her grandchild. My mom proceded to tell me that the child wasn't really disabled, it was just that his mom was working! I mean, come on! The child had classic manifestations of Aspergers.

I think there is a lot of denial in that generation about this stuff. They want to think "Oh, if I were parenting that child, he wouldn't have any problems." Sometimes, they DID parent a child with those problems, and ignored them into adulthood!

You could decide to address these issues in the absence of a proximate incident. I don't think that's a good idea. It makes you more vulnerable. Plan out how you are going to handle things as they come up, and solicit your dh's support in your strategy. One good thing to do is to ask your MIL questions about her past. (I got this idea from Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, etc.) It seems like the thing to do is to work it out with your dh, not your MIL, in her absence. It's going to be hard for him to figure out how to respectfully and lovingly challenge his mom's behavior, but he's got to do it.

Stay relaxed. (Ha, like I'm so relaxed with my mom about this stuff, ho ho.) Whichever poster wrote here "This is not a democracy"--that's the ticket. Your MIL can say whatever dopey things she wants, this is your child and you have to make the decisions. These are your MIL's problems, not yours.

[Adamsmama]

Thanks. I think you right about them having trouble accepting this. We are now thinking it is probably PDD or a slight form of Autism. MIL is having a very hard time accepting that. She has challenged me everytime I mention it and has tried to convince me it is something else. I now see why she might be upset. They used to tell me the reason he didn't walk is because we cloth diaper (he does walk now--he didn't walk until 16 months but he walks on his toes). So I'm sure they think have thought there are reasons for other things (like delayed speech). She also told me the other day that she thought my son just really liked her (because he can be clingy to her and everyone in my family, etc.) but my other son who is 7 months she thought didn't like her because he cried when he saw her. He is very clingy to me which I think is normal for that age...

[janice_hernandez]

In-laws thinking they are always right

It can be very stressful and taxing to interact with close family members who ignorantly attempt to sabotage your parenting choices. Ultimately, you must remember that these are YOUR children, and YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are the individuals responsible for making the parenting decisions.

There may be many reasons why your in-laws are in opposition to the educated choices that you are making for your children. It could be blind ignorance on their part, or perhaps they are manifesting the guilt over wrong choices they made while rearing their own children. They are the ones who must come to grips with their past mistakes and accept the different choices you are making. This is their issue to contend with... not yours.

Unfortunately, you have to deal with the influence they have on your children. I would suggest limiting the time that your children spend alone with them to just a few hours now and then, perhaps when you truly need a babysitter. Try to spend time all together as a family so that both you and your husband are there to support each other when conflict arises. Make it clear that your choices are not debatable, but try to do so without engaging them; from what you say they may be too stubborn to see your point of view, and the battle may be wasted effort.

I have also dealt with similar issues... For example, a father-in-law who accused me of not allowing my children to be children because I will not allow them to drink soda and rarely permit them to eat at fast food restaurants. He also accused me of not cooking for them, because my children are thin (my husband and I are both thin, in spite of the fact that our entire family has hearty appetites... we are blessed with a good metabolism!). My mother-in-law's "supportive" reply was that "not everyone cooks like she does". What she does cook is greasy and fattening foods; thank goodness not everyone cooks like that!

My MIL can be very insensitive with her comments, even while she pretends to be so supportive. Case in point... right after I gave birth to my daughter, she looked at her features and remarked that I "was just the incubator". Not the most supportive thing to say to a new mom who just gave birth completely unmedicated and was also suffering from sore nipples!

I could go on, but I'm sure the scenarios are familiar. Good Luck with your in-laws, and my wish for you is that you can live peacefully, even in their midst!

[KermitMissesJim]

Originally Posted by L.J.

People who act judgemental and arrogant tend to do so because they feel insecure in themselves and their abilities. They project their inadequacies onto someone else in an attempt to make themselves feel better by being "right."

I think if you initiate another conversation, it would then reverse the situation and now it would be you trying to be "right". If the topic comes up again, I think you can clearly state your boundaries. "These are our children. We will raise them the way we see fit. Our parenting is not a topic open for discussion." Period.

I find that because many of us are parenting differently than our parents, some are feeling threatened by it. I know my aunt thinks that because she spanked and we don't that somehow she was "wrong" and she immediately gets defensive. It's not about right or wrong. She did the best she knew how to do at the time and we are doing the best we know how to at this time. Your inlaws don't want to feel like they are "wrong."

It sounds like the way they've approached this has been horrible and difficult. You have an amazing husband and good for him for standing up for you and your family first.

There is a lot of wisdom we can learn from older generations. I think that sometimes they have learned from their experiences and truly want to help us from going through what they did. Problem is, that most of us, even as adults, don't want our parents telling us what to do. And often, it's difficult for them to hear that their children are making choices differently than their own.

Fast forward 20 years and imagine how easy or difficult it would be for you, as a grandparent, to hear your child and their spouse announce that they were going to circumcise, vaccinate and feed junk food for their child and not want to scream and shout all the wisdom you have learned over the years.
Just some food for thought.

:

[tiafit]

[QUOTE=skippy]We have a similar - not quite as extreme - situation with my MIL. MIL agrees to my face with all our parenting decisions but tears me down to my SIL (and successfully pits us against each other) and also does things that she knows are not OK with us when we're not around, e.g., ice cream for dinner.

I really try to limit the amount of time that she is alone with dd but she is very aggressive about wanting to babysit all the time. It's hard to put her off w/out causing more trouble.


Stick to your plan do not let her bully you. I am was and still am in the same place with my MIL. She stated since my 1st was in the womb the day and time she wanted to babysit. Thank goodness my DH put her in her place. She also constantly reminds us of how she left my BIL at 3 months old and DH at 24 months old with a couple that they met a few times at a party so they could go to Europe for 2 1/2 weeks. We always remain polite yet firm and say we could never do that . I know it makes her insecure about her choice so many years ago , but she can not stop telling the story in front of lots of people. If anything it make me even more hesiatant to leave.

My point is I was feeling very pressured and bullyed to leave my 1st with them for 1/2 day and overnight. I finally realized that I was not going to put myself and my son in a situation that made me uncomfortable. Their parenting style is so extremely different (dictatorship," boys will be boys, ferber method,no crying , don't be a baby..".) that I must limit the time to ALONE to make it fair to my kids.

Have your MIL over to bake bread , paint , or garden while you get some laundry or emails done. That seems to work for us most of the time. Then once in awhile they take my toddler for a couple hours.

Becoming a mother has made me a much stronger spirit . Remeber your the MOM follow your instincts !

[tiafit]

Originally Posted by Adamsmama

Thanks. I think you right about them having trouble accepting this. We are now thinking it is probably PDD or a slight form of Autism. MIL is having a very hard time accepting that. She has challenged me everytime I mention it and has tried to convince me it is something else. I now see why she might be upset. They used to tell me the reason he didn't walk is because we cloth diaper (he does walk now--he didn't walk until 16 months but he walks on his toes). So I'm sure they think have thought there are reasons for other things (like delayed speech). She also told me the other day that she thought my son just really liked her (because he can be clingy to her and everyone in my family, etc.) but my other son who is 7 months she thought didn't like her because he cried when he saw her. He is very clingy to me which I think is normal for that age...

My goodness, your MIL needs to relax and be supportive of you, your DH and your boys while you figure all this out. I would have my DH tell MIL that if she does not have anything nice or supportive to say about either child to keep her mouth shut . Kids hear and understand evrything and I am so sick of this generation(MIL) talking about them in front of them as if they were not there. And yes even the 7 month old, they understand and can sense when something is off. Good luck!

[LoveBeads]

I really don't think you need to do anything at all. These are DH's parents, he should be the one to deal with them. They won't hear it coming from you as well as they will if he says it.

I will say this: my MIL has grandchildren as old as 30. She has NOT learned, in 30 years, to keep her mouth shut yet. She and I got into it last year when she called my daughter "fat". We barely have anything to do with her at this point and you would think that she would have gotten the message that if you want to have contact with your grandchildren, you have to be nice to them and to their mother. This lesson, which you think she would have learned with 5 children and 9 grandchildren, has eluded her (my DD is the baby of the family and she still picks at her and at me).

I have learned a lot from it though. If I don't want to be a lonely old lady, I'll have to accept my daughter's decisions. I may not like them but they will be hers. While I agree with the others who said it must be hard for her to see you doing things so differently from how she did them, I don't see that as any excuse for her behavior nor is that a reason for you to take it. You can be understanding but she needs firm boundaries nonetheless and DH should be setting them. It's obvious by the fact that she even asked DH the question of who he trusts more that she needs serious boundaries because that question is completely out of line.