"Giving in" to tantrums or crying - Page 2

[johub]

I like how John Gray defines "giving in" in Children Are From Heaven. He says that you are giving in when you do things that you don't want to do to stop conflict, to prevent a scene, or to pacify, etc. THAT, he says, is what spoils children. Doing what you want to do, or even changing your mind about what you want to do, is not a bad thing. Even (or especially) when that's the same thing that your child wants.

I agree with this 100%.
I never "give in" to crying or tantrums.
But I do keep my perogative to change my mind for my own reasons.
Sometimes we react first and then think for a minute and realize that something doesnt matter as much as we thought.
Joline

[bleurae]

I have just finished "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf. It discusses this so well. I HIGHLY recommend it, especially with these struggles of when is it giving in and when is it not etc. I saw it highly recommended here and am soooooo glad I got it, one of the best books I have ever read, and full of great humor too.

[lioralourie]

isn't John Gray the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus guy?

I think you're okay, OP. I say stuff like that off the cuff, too and then think, "well, really why not? She's only being curious, and that's good". Especially after the mess was already made. It sort of depends on how dd handles it, too, though. If she melts down and starts flailing in a frenzy, I'm almost sure not to change my mind just in case she thinks it's her reaction that did it.

If she simply shows dissatisfaction, I'm a lot more open to changing my mind.

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by lioralourie

If she melts down and starts flailing in a frenzy, I'm almost sure not to change my mind just in case she thinks it's her reaction that did it. If she simply shows dissatisfaction, I'm a lot more open to changing my mind.

I try not to think in those terms! If I said no too quickly or for no good reason, DD has *every right* to be upset. If I automatically decide that I am not going to let her do whatever it is she wants just because she had a meltdown I am basically telling her that showing emotion is not okay. Furthermore, at that point *I* am engaging her in a power struggle. Basically, I've decided to have a stand off with her just so she knows who's boss. I don't want my child to feel that expressing anger, sadness or frustration aren't allowed or that if she does, I will ignore her just so she knows that I'm the one in charge. Just my personal opinion.

[DevaMajka]

John Gray

Originally Posted by lioralourie

isn't John Gray the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus guy?

Yep, that's the guy. And the title of his parenting book is Children Are From Heaven. Kinda cute, huh?
btw, I don't really recommend the book. There are a couple of good ideas in there that I haven't read anywhere else, but most everything else is either already in a better parenting book, or it's just plain bad advice (that's imo, of course)

Becky