Not presenting a unified front

[Heffernhyphen]

DH and I see eye to eye on many parenting issues, but he's a bit on the uptight side for my taste. Just today, for instance, he got his panties in a wad twice over my more easy-going parenting decisions: 1. letting ds (23 months) play with the Smirnoff Ice bottles in the recycling bin, and 2. letting ds jump from the coffee table to the couch. Yes, I agree, either activity COULD have ended in an accident. But I don't agree that we should limit him to only safe toys and injury-proof activities. He's a little boy. He needs to climb and jump and play with bugs and explore his world. I'd rather he get hurt from time to time than grow up to be afraid of his own shadow.

Am I being too reckless, is he being too uptight, is there a compromise to be met? I don't want ds in the middle of sparring parents.

[Ravin]

My DH is similar. I think it has to do with the types of children we respectively were. I was a careful child who, while adventurous and curious, had enough innate sense of self-preservation to hold back from doing anything truly stupid. DH, on the other hand, was a self-described adrenaline junky and his childhood was apparently one long sequence of crazy stunts and attempts to break his neck. So when I, for example, see DD with a pair of scissors, I think, "Oh, she has the scissors. She might hit something with them or scratch the furniture. DD, bring mommy the scissors, please. Thank you." And he thinks: "Oh, no, she has the SCISSORS! She's going to STAB HERSELF IN THE FACE with them!!! DD, NO! Put those DOWN!" (as he chases after her. "NO!", etc., and generally freaks out.

I take the Continuum Concept approach, he takes a more conventional approach. I don't think DD is turning out to be quite the daredevil he was, but perhaps more adventurous than I was (at least at that age, I couldn't see very well because of lazy eye/crossed eyes).

Ironically, he has more trust in his own abilities and limitations than I do in mine. I tend, for example, to overcompensate for my lack of depth perception when driving/parking, while he drives in a fashion I would think manaiacal if it wasn't for the fact that he is very confident and we both know he has much better vision and reflexes than I do and has the driving record to prove it.

I figure we just balance each other, so DD will grow up with two ways of doing things laid out for her. She'll decide as she grows which is more her style, if either.

[flapjack]

I'm concerned about the way you talked about his concerns, and put him down somewhat. But no, I don't think there is anything wrong, at all, with two parents parenting in similar ways but with completely different boundaries. It teaches children that different situations have different rules, which isn't a bad thing in my book.

[Soundhunter]

Originally Posted by flapjack

I'm concerned about the way you talked about his concerns, and put him down somewhat. But no, I don't think there is anything wrong, at all, with two parents parenting in similar ways but with completely different boundaries. It teaches children that different situations have different rules, which isn't a bad thing in my book.

Absolute ditto

[cinnamonamon]

I think the problem is that dc is getting different instructions from the SAME situation. For example -- my ds climbs up my couch & stands on my desk behind it, then jumps back down onto the couch. DH comes home & yells for him to get down & stop, etc... This is the same situation , except that dh is now home -- if we were at someone else's house & they didn't want their home treated that way, I could understand it, but it isn't.

What I do is try to warn dh beforehand -- "I let Ian jump on the bed as long as the baby isn't sleeping in it," so he doesn't make him stop & confuse the poor kid as to the rules of the house. If we are going to have a different rule when the other parent is in charge we make that apparant -- "When papa is here you may not play with the markers unless you sit at the table; you may play with them later with mama, though."

HTH!

[cinnamonamon]

PS... I think he's too uptight -- but I'm on the laid-back side! :LOL If your ds is not prone to the sort of accidents your dh was, then he's probably fine -- my ds would line up soda/beer bottles on the floor then put them back, then line them up...etc. over & over & never break one -- of course I always stay in the area just in case he does something out of character -- they are glass, afterall.

[DaisyRose]

Susan,

I didn't think your tone was disresepctful. It sounds light hearted and as if you and your dh generally don't take each other too seriously.

Your DH is not the only uptight person in the world.

I take a Continuum Concept approach, too. I trust my children to make decisions for themselves, about their own safety, from birth. We've never had a major injury in our home. In fact, we rarely have any injuries at all, because my girls are very aware of how gravity works, due to lots of experience when they were little.

Have you seen Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine"? It talks about how America is general is crippled by a climate of fear. I completely agree that teaching your kids to fear every little thing is a bad thing.

My motto is "if it ain't fatal, they're allowed to do it".

[captain optimism]

My dh is more safety-minded than I am. Generally I go with his preventative approach. My son is only two and he is still a bit unsteady on his feet. I know that when he gets hurt, he always tries whatever it was again!

My dh does model being playful and relaxed about saying no, though.

[TinkerBelle]

I broke my nose jumping on the couch when I was small. I distinctly remember it. Blood everywhere and I was so scared.

I do not want my kids to fear everything, and outside, I pretty much let them run and do whatever. But, in the house, I have taught them that we do not run, and we do not jump on furniture. Not only can you get hurt, it wears out the furniture. I simply do not have money to replace furniture every year. Besides, if I do not teach them to not jump at home, and teach manners at home FIRST, then what will they do when we go to someone's home? I do not expect others to just put up with it.

DH is on board with me on this, so no problems.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

he got his panties in a wad twice over my more easy-going parenting decisions:

I've always loved that expression! :LOL

Although my DH and I have some parenting differences, we try to stay on the same page for discipline. Our general goal is to not end up in the ER with our kids. We let them do all sorts of things that might seem dangerous to others, and we feel that minor bruises and cuts are learning experiences, but if there is chance that a limb could be broken, a great deal of blood loss, etc, we redirect. When they kids were younger my DH and I would discuss things on a case by case and try to come to an agreement.

When my kids were really little, we let them jump on the couch. They didn't have any problems at other people's houses because we explained that different families have different rules, and if it is against the rule to jump on the couch at your friends' house, then don't jump on the couch there.

As they got bigger their ability to destroy the couch increased, and we decided it was no longer appropriate, so we found other places for them to bounce.

[lilyka]

why is your way right? Your dh seems only to have your sons best intrest in m ind and it seems important to him that your son stay safe. I am the laid back one when it come to stuff like that (and what you were letting your son do still sounds dangerous to me by the way) but if it was important to dh that we be a little more cautious then I would put an end to that sort of play. there are perfectly safe ways for him to run and jump and dig. playing with breakable garbage and jumping on furniture aren't nessecary to growing up happy and healthy.

[bobica]

:

We don't jump on furniture in our house. There are other places we can jump without it getting the furniture worn out/dirty, or adding height to the potential fall. DD was unsteady on her feet for a while, so that probably added to this.

My concern is more on the fact that you stated that he's a little boy. Would it be different if he was a girl? I hear that a lot- "he's a boy" as if a totally different standard of behavior is accepted/tolerated. I'm not saying that was your intention, but it tends to be a sticking point with me.

I think there's always a middle ground but when you can't come to an agreement, I say side with the one who is more cautious.

[ZanZansMommy]

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

Am I being too reckless, is he being too uptight, is there a compromise to be met? I don't want ds in the middle of sparring parents.

The way Dh & I get around this is we respect whatever the other parent feels strongly about. I for one am super laid back & would allow my DD to do the same things you allow your son to do. But DH would tell her to stop. I back him up if he tells her to not do something & he does the same to me if I tell her somthing is o.k. Later on we'll discuss why we felt a particular way & a lot of time we can see each others pont of view. Of course this takes constant work. I also try to inform DH of the things I let DD do on a regualr basis just so she doesn't get confusing messages. I agree it's a fine line to walk, but with some work you & Dh can learn to come to a compromise.

And why do some people nit pick through posts to find things that just aren't there..geez?

Good Luck Mama

[Heffernhyphen]

Originally Posted by bobica

My concern is more on the fact that you stated that he's a little boy. Would it be different if he was a girl? I hear that a lot- "he's a boy" as if a totally different standard of behavior is accepted/tolerated. I'm not saying that was your intention, but it tends to be a sticking point with me.

: I'm putting on my flack jacket even as I type, but I have to wonder why I so often feel defensive after a post here? Like some of you mamas read the posts and just look for a little hole to stick your toe in. Jeez. I come here to be within a supportive community. If I wanted to pick a fight I'd go upstairs and find my husband.

Okay, okay, I DID make a stereotypical statement, for which I should clearly be horsewhipped. What I SHOULD have said is that the specific nature of MY boy (and pretty much every other boy I have ever met) is that he is active and adventurous and apt to play exuberantly, much like many of the little girls I have met. It's not that a different behavior is accepted, it's just more expected, at least by me. I personally find energetic, boisterous (or girlsterous) girls especially charming and fun. I'd even go so far as to say I prefer them over the doll house and tea party set, but I know I'd hear from those moms.

Okay, let me have it . . . .

[Heffernhyphen]

Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy

And why do some people nit pick through posts to find things that just aren't there..geez?

Good Luck Mama

I hadn't read your post before writing mine. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the subtle post bashing I got. Thanks.

Not to bash the girl who bashed me. This is a bashfree post. I'm sure she's very nice, and so is her furniture.

[cinnamonamon]

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

I'm sure she's very nice, and so is her furniture.

:LOL

[lilyka]

silly!!

girls don't off the couch. the jump off the all natural, unfished wood, doll house and land all the accessories that you spent a small fortune on. only boys jump off the couch.

[maya44]

I think that there is nothing wrong with two different styles.

And unlike a PP I don't think you need to even explain it to a child. They really figure it out on their own.

Very quickly and very young a child knows "With mama I can play with the recylying bin and she doesn't care, but with daddy, he's going to get mad if I do that."

They are smart. Give them credit. They are not really that easily "confused"

[oceanbaby]

Dh and I have had these issues more about discipline, rather than what they're allowed to do. We are generally on the same page there. But when it comes to dealing with ds backtalking, or throwing toys, or generally being difficult, dh is more likely to go into hothead mode than I am, and it creates conflict between us. I don't really have a solution for you, other than to suggest trying to talk about stuff before it happens when you two have time alone.

Slightly off topic, but:

Besides, if I do not teach them to not jump at home, and teach manners at home FIRST, then what will they do when we go to someone's home? I do not expect others to just put up with it.

Ds has always been allowed to jump on pretty much any furniture at our house, but he absolutely understands that he doesn't jump on furniture at other houses. Kids are pretty smart about understanding that different rules apply in different situations.

[bobica]

Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy

And why do some people nit pick through posts to find things that just aren't there..geez?

Must be the heat up here Seriously, like i said, it's something that bugs me. Sorry if it came across as bashing- not my intention!