Does your child use titles: Mr. & Mrs.?

[ber]

DS is 14 months, and I lately I've found myself stumbling when I talk to him about other people - as in, should he get to know these people as Aunty/Uncle, or Mr./Mrs.?

I think in most cases, the answer is pretty clear for me.

But we're in a choir and my husband and I refer to the choir members by their first names (even though most of them are old enough to be our grandparents) and I'm just not sure how to approach it w/my DS.

I know one of the choir members has said "I'm his choir Aunty," so I don't think she'd mind "Aunty Jane." This feels natural to me because we see most of these people at least once a week, sometimes much more than that, and they feel like family to us.

Should I just ask the other members what they prefer (Aunty Jane, Mrs. Jane, Mrs. Smith, just "Jane")? I don't even know most of the last names, but when I was growing up, I was taught that it was respectful to say Mr. or Mrs. when speaking to an adult, and am hesitant to use just "Jane" so I'm wondering what your perspectives are.

Thanks!

[lilyka]

I have found it is best to err on the side of poiteness. I think it is a persons right to choose that they are called and how casual or formal someone, anyone for any reason, is allowed to be with them. I prefer to be called Mrs. P. However if someone introduces me as Sandra to thier children I wouldn't dream of saying "I prefer you back up a lot and call me Mrs. P. " Instead I will just grin and bear it.

SO

I always introduce my children to adults as Mr. and Mrs Whatever. this gives them the option of being Mr and mrs or saying (and almost everyone here has) "oh no need for that kind of formality. just call us jane and bill" .

It not only gives the person the option of choosing without being rude it also introduces my children to it and makes them feel more comfortable using titles. I was never allowed to call adults by thier name (even when they asked me too) because my mom thought it was rude (ruder than disrespecting someones feelings about thier name) and made me call everyong ma'am and sir (even when they asked me not too So I never felt cmofortable using mr and Mrs. but at the same time I woke up one morning and realized (I had been raised by wolves) what a horrible breech of manners it was to constantly refer to my friends p[arents by the first name and wanted to honor them with good manners but at the same time had known them so long couldn't ask - long stpry short - I have known them for 17 years and still only speak to them when I have thier attention because I still don't know what to call them. So I want my kids to feel comfortable uysing titles and also learning that when someone says they can be more casual it is ok. but the main rule is starting formal and letting someone invite you to be more casual.

with love,
Mrs. P.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I think the answer to this is very culturally-loaded. In my Southern family, you do call people sir and ma'am, and Mr and Mrs is very much expected. Where we live now, not so much at all - only elderly people use honorifics/titles with others. Her teachers specifically are not called by anything but their first name, and wouldn't have it any other way. My grandmother would have a hissy fit if she knew that. In some ethnic communities within our city, there is definitely a higher expectation for being called by title (and lack of respect therof if it's missing), and I do try to respect that and encourage my daughter to as well.

My daughter at five is now just interested in Mr. and Mrs. and Miss and MS. (my favorite) and really enjoys learning them. So funny, because we don't really model it. I think it's all the old books she has from when I was a kid...

So I think it's very much your family and your region and your culture whether or not it's appropriate there.

[mamawanabe]

no default mrs. please

What I've discovered on these threads is that there is no right way, no polite default (I used to think Ms. was the "safe" option till I read in some of these threads how many mdcers are irked by it). I would NOT be happy to be introduced as "Mrs.", especially "Mrs. Dh's last name" (I kept my own last name). It honestly would bother/annoy me to have Mrs. be my default title/name (I don't want my title to be based on whether I am married or not, especially when my dh's title doesn't depend on marriage - he is Mr. regardless). You could pretty much call me ANYTHING else and I'd be fine.

The polite thing to do is ask. It is also modeling the kind of social behavior our children will NEED in a society with such diverse preferences (and ideological preferences - my not liking "Mrs." and not taking my dh's last name is as rooted in my world view just as a woman insistance upon "Mrs. dh's last name" could grow out of her world view).

[Patchfire]

We tend to go with that absurd southern convention of title+first name. Though I'm never sure if we're saying "miss" "ms" or "mrs" because of dd's accent. So, for example, dd calls her friend's mom 'ms shelley.' But this tends to be the accepted behaviour around here, and the expected one. I don't know anyone personally who wants to be called "Mrs. lastname" or even "Ms. lastname."

[flyingspaghettimama]

Originally Posted by mamawanabe

What I've discovered on these threads is that there is no right way, no polite default (I used to think Ms. was the "safe" option till I read in some of these threads how many mdcers are irked by it). I would NOT be happy to be introduced as "Mrs.", especially "Mrs. Dh's last name" (I kept my own last name).

Yeah - totally. I get mail all the time with Mrs. DHFirstname DHLastname on it and it totally bugs me, specifically when I ask for this not to be the case. I agree with using what people want to be called (particularly here where I live, where it's not common - I ask, what would you like me/my daughter to call you; and I use sir and ma'am still with people who I know prefer it).

But why can't they use what *I* want to be called, not Mrs. Firstname Lastname on all correspondence. Waaa. Even Mrs. + my name is better for me than my husband's name. I feel so individuality-free, particularly DHFirstname part. I have been absorbed!

Because I'm clueless, what is wrong with Ms? : I am ignorant. I remember my family making fun of the title, supposedly only lesbians who hate men like it, according to them. Let's say my family isn't so very enlightened or open-minded about anything, so I figured it was just them...

[TinkerBelle]

Depends on who they are addressing. We have friends who our children address as "Mr. Joe" and "Miss Jean", using their first names. Some people are Brother and Mrs. Our pastor is "Pastor" always.

[Britishmum]

The only answer is to ask them. Just as some people here dislike being called by their first name, I can't stand being called "Mrs" - either with first name or surname. It really irks me, although I have some friends who insist that their children use Mrs Surname to me. I feel a real awkwardness with it and I find it hard to get comfortable with their children because it creates this odd barrier between us.

I guess you have to get a balance between what they expect, and what you feel comfortable with your children having to say. For that reason, I could not live in the South - I would not want my children to have to use the formal Mrs/Mr/Miss names for adults even if that's what the adults expected.

With our Southern friends, their kids use my surname, but my kids call them 'auntie' and 'uncle'. They were happy with that, but I dont know if they feel the same awkwardness with what they view as over-familiarity, or not.

[UnschoolnMa]

Generally no my kids do not use Mr. and Mrs. and neither do I unless someone is introduced to me that way. We have just never been that formal.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I always introduce my children to adults as Mr. and Mrs Whatever. this gives them the option of being Mr and mrs or saying (and almost everyone here has) "oh no need for that kind of formality. just call us jane and bill" .

same here. If it is married woman using her maiden name, I refer to her as Ms. Lastname. Almost everyone tells my kids to use their first names, which is fine with me. I do think it is better to start off more formal and let the other person dictate how to refer to them.

I don't care if other people's children call me Linda or Mrs. Lastname, but I cannot stand being called "Miss Linda". I hate it hate it hate it. If they do, I tell them nicely to call me either just Linda or Mrs. Lastname. I've had parents try to agrue with me about this and it really ticks me off, so I guess we all have our little issues.

[CarrieMF]

We use first names unless they are blood relative aunts/uncles/grandparents. Some very very close friends receive the title aunt/uncle. Teachers at the school dictate what they want to be called, it is usually Mrs./Mr/Miss. last name, sometimes with only the first letter of their last name, sometimes just their first name, sometimes a variation of their last name. When I was in highschool we had a teacher who's last name was deGooijer. He was called Mr. deGooijer, Mr. D, or deGoo. The higher the grade the more causal it was. Doctors have the same as the teachers, they've dictated what their title is.

Personally I dislike the use of titles, it adds to the aire that there are those above you and that we are to be separated due to social class. Family is the one I don't budge on though. As an adult I still call my aunts/uncles by Auntie & Uncle but most of all my cousins stopped around the age of 16-18.

I dispise being called Mrs, especially since I regret changing my name. At the school the teachers will refer to me as either Mrs. lastname or dd's mom.

[lilyka]

I hate miss first name. hate it. I am not a miss and miss first name is neither formal or informal it is just grammatically incoorect. it serves no purpose that I can tell.

I don't think using titles denotes superiority. just distance. A way of saying "we are only this close" if a child uses Mrs with me I am not opposed to calling them Mis or Mr. Lastname if they request it. I do it sometimes anyway and they always get a kick out of it.

[TinkerBelle]

We tend to go with that absurd southern convention of title+first name.

Some people do not feel it is absurd.

[onlyzombiecat]

I would never introduce someone who wasn't a relative as Aunt or Uncle to my child.

On the Mr, Mrs, Ms issue I would just ask the person or until then err on the cautious side and have your child use Mr. Blank and let the person say "That's okay, you can call me Fred". If someone actually throws a fit over a very young child using the improper way to address them then they are jerks IMO.

When we talk about other adults in our home we tend to use their first names (or whatever we call them). Dd doesn't really have contact with them so it doesn't matter too much I don't think.

[neveryoumindthere]

we use either first names for our friends and aunt and uncle for everyone else in arabic it's a respectful way to address a person

saying the equivalent of mr. and mrs. would be soooo weird to everyone.

[flapjack]

I grew up in the same situation your son is in- my mum sings in a large choir, conducted by the gentleman who later became my school headmaster, containing no less than 7 of the people who would have the (dubious) pleasure of teaching me over the years or other school support staff. The compromise my parents came to, as I remember, is that my mums two best friends were always, always called by their first names. Everyone else, they talked about as "Firstname Lastname" and I was encouraged to call them Mr Lastname or Mrs Lastname, depending on gender. This was the 80s, though, and I grew up in a fairly conservative area.
I have several honorific aunties, as do my kids. For our family, it's a sign of respect to a close family friend or godparent and an acknowledgement of the love between two adult friends.

[wende]

I only do first names. Occasionally, with aunts and uncles it is (for instance with my brother) Uncle *D*, though I'm not steadfast with it. I will sometimes say "we are going to see Uncle *D* today" or I will say "we're going to see *D* today". The only exception is with my parents. They are Grandma *first name* and Grandpa *first name*.

[Dodo]

I think that the Southern Miss-FirstName practice would be quite handy.

For anyone remotely near my age, dd calls them by their first name. The problem, for me, is with older people, mostly the grandparents of dd's friends. Often, I call them whatever their grandchild calls them: Nonna Rosa, MawMawMaw. It is awkward, but then I grew up calling my parents' friends Mr. and Mrs. and now I avoid some of them, because I'm not sure if I'm supposed to switch to their first names all of a sudden. Am I?

[MeadowSong_]

We never do, unless we are referring to a teacher or someone in a similar postion.

[raleigh_mom]

I use Mr/Mrs unless I don't know their last name, which sometimes happens. I prefer children call me Mrs.... although I don't correct them if they use my first name. I introduce myself to them as Mrs...