How important is your "stuff"?

[DaisyRose]

In our home, "stuff" takes a backseat to people on almost every occasion. Another post discusses not letting children jump on couches because it "wears the furniture out". I remember threads where people rejected co-sleeping because they didn't want to mess up their bedroom furniture. I actually know a person like this. She refuses to move her big wardrobe out of her bedroom so her kids mattress could fit on the floor.

If my kids want to jump on the couch, bang their forks on the table (and dent the wood - oh no!), pull all the cusions off the furniture and make a big castle, ride their (no clumps of mud, please) bikes around the house when it's raining outside, or otherwise use our "stuff" in a child appropriate way, I let them do it.

I never imply that keeping stuff nice is more important than whatever it is my children want to do. I think teaching children to value stuff over experience is a very dangerous lesson.

[maya44]

In our house, knowing how to treat things so that they will last and look nice is just part of how we live.

I would be miserable if my kitchen floors were muddy and my kids would too.



They are like me.They feel more comfortable in a neat and organized environment.

We are all a little persnikety. My middle dd gets the "heebie-jeebies' eating at a friend's house where she claims "there are more crumbs on the table than food" :LOL


My DH grew up in a dirty house with rippped couches. My MIL thought it was a nice thing that there house was comfortable and that the kids could play wildly but it drove him crazy.

Moreover, many experineces requriere that "stuff" be kept in good shape.

Musical instruments require care. Art supplies must be tightly capped to prevent drying out. Ski equipment can't be roughhoused with.

If you don't take care of certain 'stuff' you will miss out on the experience.

[fiddledebi]

I agree with this to a certain degree, but not 100%. Some of it has to do with wasting resources...I wouldn't let my daughter color with crayons on the walls because I don't care how much fun it would be, I don't want to live in a house with crayoned walls, so I'd have to paint over it. That means buying more paint, covering floors with paper to protect them, etc. -- too much time and resources wasted. That said, I am happy to tape some paper on the walls for her to color on, or she has an easel.

I put fragile knick-knacks away when she started crawling. I let her touch my non-fragile ones, but teach her about being gentle. Things *can* get destroyed, and that's not fair. Certainly she is more important than the wooden photo frame housing my wedding picture, but I still like the frame and don't want her to break it. If I say "Sweetie, I love that picture. Can I show you who is in the picture? Let's look at it together" while directing her hands gently over the cherry wood of the frame to feel how smooth it is, all the while cradling it so it doesn't fall, to me that's a good compromise.

And then there ARE things that I just won't let her play with. For example, my fiddle -- it was very expensive, it gives me great joy to play it, and if she broke it (which would be easy to do), I would be really sad. Of course, I would like her to be able to play with and touch everything, but at 3 years old, she's not capable of being gentle enough with it. I can honestly say that I would be more unhappy if my fiddle was destroyed than I would be if she was sad that I wouldn't let her carry it up the stairs. We find other ways to enjoy it together -- with me doing the fingering while she plucks the strings, or with her hand on top of mine as I bow, or with her singing along while I play.

I think that in some cases, "keeping stuff nice is more important than whatever it is my children want to do" -- it's not about keeping it NICE, but keeping it in one piece!

[matts_mamamama]

Depends on the "stuff". Some things I don't want my kids playing with, end of story. Those are things I keep out of reach or in an area they can't get to. As far as banging forks and spoons and such on my table that I saved for 3 years to get, that's a big no-no to me. I know that it's going to be scratched and dented, and I can live with that, but my issue is the banging and scratching on purpose. I wouldn't let that happen in someone else's house or in a restaurant, so I don't let it happen at my house.

My son is allowed to do many "child appropriate" things, but within reason. I think you can combine child appropriate actions and respect for things and that is what I try to do. I don't think this is teaching to value stuff over experience, I think it is teaching respect for things that aren't his.

We have a room in our house that is simply a sitting room - we don't use it much and the furniture in there is nicer than our family room. Yesterday my mom was over and my son was eating a frozen juice bar and went and sat on the couch in there. My mom was totally shocked and said she would have had a heart attack if my brother or I had done the same thing, knowing juice bar was going to get all over. I just shrugged and said it's just a couch. If it gets sticky, we'll clean it. Some things aren't worth the battle. Like I said, it depends on the stuff.

[Linda on the move]

I think there is a happy medium. We are a very relaxed and mellow family, but there is a line. My kids can take the cushins off the couch and make a castle, but they can't have food or drink near the piano or the my DH's drums. Sorry, no. I ain't gonna happen. Our stuff is here for us to us it and enjoy it, but we want it to still be here and in decent shape next month, so we can keep using it and enjoying it.

[Soundhunter]

Originally Posted by maya44

In our house, knowing how to treat things so that they will last and look nice is just part of how we live.

Ditto.

Emma is a very hyper, physically rambunctious child and she is encouraged to jump around, on her bed if she likes, around the house. I make sure she spends lots of time outside in all kinds of weather, rain or shine so that she can let off steam and get some fresh air (during winter too!). She is not allowed to jump on our couches, or damage our tables. We are not wealthy people but we struggled to afford nice new furniture and we will teach her, as we learn ourselves, how to take care of some things to make them last.

I don't see it as things before people, I see it as different expectations. Emma is a joy to bring to other people's homes because she knows inherently how to treat their homes nicely, the family and friends from all walks of life that we visit are people too. Our home is clean, tidy, AND Emma has lots of uncluttered floors to run and jump on, plenty of cushions to make forts with, half a fenced acre with some trees and uncultured areas to roam as she pleases, and she is taken out every day to roam and climb stuff outside. We have a nice house, she is encouraged to do what kids do, we are all happy

[lilyka]

While my stuiff is not as important as my children I do enjoy providing them with a nice pleasing and pleasent home and in order forme to do that I have to teach them to tak care of my things. which translates to them caring about thier things and taking care of thier things. On that note I don't wreck thier things and expect the same respect.

I grew up in a dump where we had great fun jumping on the furniture, bnever had to clean up after ourselves, broke crap. and although we had a good time we rarely had stuff that wasn't broken to play with as little kids and never had company and was embarrassed as a teen to have people in our house with our tattered furniture and broken dirty stuff (becaue hey if it is just going to get duirty again why clean it).

So i teach my children to respect our furniture. trees were cut down to make it and pesticides and toxins were releases into the environment, factory workers worked hard to make it and daddy worked hard so we could buy it. I would really like to go through as few as possible. we don't waste stuff around here. that included cleaners, furniture, clothing, paint (both wall and art suplies) etc. . . so caring for our things is also a way of caring for our world. also not having to clean& relace these things (I refuse to live in a dump) also saves money and time for important fun things.

the things we have chosen for our home make us feel comfortable, good and happy. they are beautiful and soft and we chose them because we wanted them to serve us in some way. some keep us organized so we move efficiently through life so we have time for each other. they provide a good nights rest (never underestimate a good not jumped on well built mattress in its ability to make you wake up rested and feeling well). taking care of those things in the first place also makes us happy and keeps us able to focus on each other rather than the cleanign and mending and whatever we have lost through not having that thing anymore (I mean we bought it for a reason, to somehow make our life more pleasuable or more manageable). it isn't about making things first. it about using things to thier full advantage, keeping them available for the reason you bought them and making sure they aren't wasted in use or lifespan.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by lilyka

While my stuiff is not as important as my children I do enjoy providing them with a nice pleasing and pleasent home and in order forme to do that I have to teach them to tak care of my things. which translates to them caring about thier things and taking care of thier things. On that note I don't wreck thier things and expect the same respect.

I grew up in a dump where we had great fun jumping on the furniture, bnever had to clean up after ourselves, broke crap. and although we had a good time we rarely had stuff that wasn't broken to play with as little kids and never had company and was embarrassed as a teen to have people in our house with our tattered furniture and broken dirty stuff (becaue hey if it is just going to get duirty again why clean it).

So i teach my children to respect our furniture. trees were cut down to make it and pesticides and toxins were releases into the environment, factory workers worked hard to make it and daddy worked hard so we could buy it. I would really like to go through as few as possible. we don't waste stuff around here. that included cleaners, furniture, clothing, paint (both wall and art suplies) etc. . . so caring for our things is also a way of caring for our world. also not having to clean& relace these things (I refuse to live in a dump) also saves money and time for important fun things.

the things we have chosen for our home make us feel comfortable, good and happy. they are beautiful and soft and we chose them because we wanted them to serve us in some way. some keep us organized so we move efficiently through life so we have time for each other. they provide a good nights rest (never underestimate a good not jumped on well built mattress in its ability to make you wake up rested and feeling well). taking care of those things in the first place also makes us happy and keeps us able to focus on each other rather than the cleanign and mending and whatever we have lost through not having that thing anymore (I mean we bought it for a reason, to somehow make our life more pleasuable or more manageable). it isn't about making things first. it about using things to thier full advantage, keeping them available for the reason you bought them and making sure they aren't wasted in use or lifespan.

: : :

What a great way of saying it!

"Stuff" is important!

[GranoLLLy-girl]

DaisyRose wrote: "I think teaching children to value stuff over experience is a very dangerous lesson."

I'm not sure that taking care of items (furntiure, etc.) is at all relevant to the statement above.
I mean, yes, if you don't want to take your toy boat and float it in the water because it will get wet and therefore you miss out on the experience of watching your new boat float--then yes, the experience is lost.
But I don't see how banging your fork on the dinner table or jumping on the couch is teaching a child to value experience over stuff and therefore the child is learning a lesson of any kind.

I agree with most of the pps. We take care of things and respect them in our house because we work hard to have the few nice things that we have.
Does this mean that we hide the silver away and never use it? No, not at all. But it does mean that we use things for the purpose that they were created--a couch is to sit on and not to jump on. And we don't bang our forks on the table because that's just bad manners.

I think that respect of "items" is an extension of our respect for the person who owns them. Example: that belongs to grandpa, and we respect grandpa, so we respect what belongs to grandpa.

[USAmma]

I have an age limit on certain behaviors. Our sofas are pretty nice and dh and I went without livingroom furniture for a year to save up for those sofas pre-kids. With Abi I stopped letting her jump on them after age 2. I bought her a trampoline and she has a beanbag to crash into, so I try to redirect her to those instead. Nitara is only 17 mos and I it's unrealistic to expect her not to jump on the sofa. She doesn't have a whole lot of inner discipline and I want to create a "yes" environment for her. I try to redirect her to the beanbag but the sofa is oh so much more fun. I keep them covered with sheets so at least the dirt factor is lessened.

Same with the beds. We don't allow jumping after age 2 because I'm afraid the bed frame will get broken. I'm sorry, but we are on a limited income and we paid hard-earned money for our nice bedframe. When Abi was younger we had a futon on the floor, but not anymore. I keep an air mattress in our room for Abi to sleep on if she comes to us at night (50/50 our bed or the mattress). During the day the girls play on it. Again, redirecting.

Most everything else that's nice got put away. We bought a nice table last year that Abi decided to practice her M's on with a ballpoint pen. I sighed but was not heartbroken. Someday when she's grown those M's will be precious.

I do deserve to have some nice things though. Just like dressing up makes you feel better inside, so does keeping a semi-nice house. You don't have to have expensive furniture, but it's nice to keep it clean and well-repaired if possible, right? Most of our furniture is from IKEA but I still want it to last.

I try to keep my bedroom door shut during the day. It's not a room for playing in. Inevitably if it's open Nitara will empty the socks and undies from the drawers and pull the towels off their holders. I have some nice display things that are kept out of reach. Just because I have two children and a "yes" environment doesn't mean I have to let them trash the house and make everything look old and worn out.

I tell Abi, "This is mommy's couch. It is special to me and you need to help me take care of it, okay? Remember you didn't want that bigger boy riding your new bike like that because he might break it? You would be sad because it's your bike and you like to ride it. Well mommy's couch is a place we can all enjoy, but if we don't take care of it, it will get broken, and we will have to sit on the floor."

Teaching respect for certain things in our home teaches respect to people's feelings. In Hindu culture you never step on books or keep them on the floor. We kinda break the floor rule but we still don't step on them or throw them. Because someone wrote that book, and put a part of their soul into the writing of it. If we hurt the book, we show great disrespect to the author and their creative process.

Another cultural thing is that the home has its own spirit and we need to treat the home with respect and nurture it (keep it clean, keep only good things in it, try to minimize chaos- still working on that last one :LOL ) so that it can in turn create a positive place for our family to live.

I also don't want Abi to disrespect other people's things. I don't want her to go to someone's house and jump on the sofa because she thinks it's okay. She did this a couple of weeks ago and I had to ask her not to do that. How would I explain it if it was okay to jump on ours but not on my friend's sofa?

[UnschoolnMa]

Depends on the stuff and the situation for me Ive tried to show the kids that stuff we take care of well lasts longer, and if it is my stuff I think I have a right to ask that it be treated nicely (just as the kids do about their stuff of course).

That said I have no problem with kids tossing pillows, using a skateboard in a cleared out living room or hallway, tossing paperballs around, etc.

[Patchfire]

I think my ILs had a similar philosophy as the OP.

It didn't make a very good impression on my relative when my then-boyfriend plopped his feet up on the coffee table just after taking off his shoes. It wasn't appropriate. It still wasn't appropriate when my then-future-SIL did the exact same thing when they were all invited over to my parents' house.

Stuff is definitely not more important than people, but part of living is learning to respect 'stuff' and understanding that if you don't take care of things, you don't have things. There are safety issues involved, too; if dd were to jump on the couch and fall off (certainly a possibility), she's going to land either on a wooden coffee table (ouch, especially if she hits the corner) or the tile-and-concrete floor (even more ouch). At the same time, I do try to make sure she has some outlet (or multiple outlets) for wanting to jump around.

[Raven67]

Sorry to quote whole hog...but, I happen to agree with everything in the post below. I don't think you are doing your kids any favors by not setting limits on how they can behave inside a home. It's just not realistic. I had a neighbor stop by once for coffee, and her then five-year-old jumped on my couch with dirty shoes, knocked over a lamp, and tore the pages of a book while looking at it. My 20-month-old wouldn't do those things (at least not all in one visit!). I don't allow her to jump on couches because it is unsafe, and as she gets bigger will cause our furniture to wear out. Couches aren't for jumping on. I just gently redirect her to something else. With this neighbor kid, the mom barely intervened, and it was obvious he was allowed to do those things at home, the parents basically gave up on setting any limits. I think this kid is "undersocialized" and won't be welcomed into many homes. It's a question of balance. I do not advocate or support harsh discipline. I don't think you need to "idolize" your furniture or housewares, but it's just civil and sensible to treat things gently and not ruin them prematurely. Don't you want your children to know that? Of course people have value, their feelings have value, and fun experiences have value...but, things that we make or buy have value also, and should be treated with respect. Setting limits and "socializing" children is part of good parenting, and need not be oppressive, harsh, or even "too mainstream."

Originally Posted by USAmma

I have an age limit on certain behaviors. Our sofas are pretty nice and dh and I went without livingroom furniture for a year to save up for those sofas pre-kids. With Abi I stopped letting her jump on them after age 2. I bought her a trampoline and she has a beanbag to crash into, so I try to redirect her to those instead. Nitara is only 17 mos and I it's unrealistic to expect her not to jump on the sofa. She doesn't have a whole lot of inner discipline and I want to create a "yes" environment for her. I try to redirect her to the beanbag but the sofa is oh so much more fun. I keep them covered with sheets so at least the dirt factor is lessened.

Same with the beds. We don't allow jumping after age 2 because I'm afraid the bed frame will get broken. I'm sorry, but we are on a limited income and we paid hard-earned money for our nice bedframe. When Abi was younger we had a futon on the floor, but not anymore. I keep an air mattress in our room for Abi to sleep on if she comes to us at night (50/50 our bed or the mattress). During the day the girls play on it. Again, redirecting.

Most everything else that's nice got put away. We bought a nice table last year that Abi decided to practice her M's on with a ballpoint pen. I sighed but was not heartbroken. Someday when she's grown those M's will be precious.

I do deserve to have some nice things though. Just like dressing up makes you feel better inside, so does keeping a semi-nice house. You don't have to have expensive furniture, but it's nice to keep it clean and well-repaired if possible, right? Most of our furniture is from IKEA but I still want it to last.

I try to keep my bedroom door shut during the day. It's not a room for playing in. Inevitably if it's open Nitara will empty the socks and undies from the drawers and pull the towels off their holders. I have some nice display things that are kept out of reach. Just because I have two children and a "yes" environment doesn't mean I have to let them trash the house and make everything look old and worn out.

I tell Abi, "This is mommy's couch. It is special to me and you need to help me take care of it, okay? Remember you didn't want that bigger boy riding your new bike like that because he might break it? You would be sad because it's your bike and you like to ride it. Well mommy's couch is a place we can all enjoy, but if we don't take care of it, it will get broken, and we will have to sit on the floor."

Teaching respect for certain things in our home teaches respect to people's feelings. In Hindu culture you never step on books or keep them on the floor. We kinda break the floor rule but we still don't step on them or throw them. Because someone wrote that book, and put a part of their soul into the writing of it. If we hurt the book, we show great disrespect to the author and their creative process.

Another cultural thing is that the home has its own spirit and we need to treat the home with respect and nurture it (keep it clean, keep only good things in it, try to minimize chaos- still working on that last one :LOL ) so that it can in turn create a positive place for our family to live.

I also don't want Abi to disrespect other people's things. I don't want her to go to someone's house and jump on the sofa because she thinks it's okay. She did this a couple of weeks ago and I had to ask her not to do that. How would I explain it if it was okay to jump on ours but not on my friend's sofa?

[laralou]

I don't value stuff over my kids, in the sense that, if I had to save either my child or my couch from a fire, I'd absolutely pick my child. But should my child's "want" to bang a fork into our kitchen table supercede my and my dh's "want" to have a nice table? No. I teach my children to treat others as they wish to be treated. They wouldn't want me to mutilate their favorite doll or game, so they shouldn't mutilate the house or furniture. It isn't about what you value as much as it is about teaching respect for others. If said child owned everything in the house, then he or she could do whatever he or she wanted to it. But if it is a shared item or an item that belongs to another, damaging it is disrespectful.

[UptownZoo]

It's all about balance. Parenting in general is about balance anyway, isn't it? We have to balance our time, money, energy, and all the rest of our resources to meet everyone's needs. And that means everyone, mine and my husband's as well as our children's. So no, I don't let the kids jump on the furniture or ride their bikes in the house, but neither do I fuss about every little thing like leaving their grubby handprints on the towels after they "wash" their hands. In no way do I think that setting limits on what my children can and can't do in our home and with our things is making my "stuff" more important than the people who live here.

Yeah, I think it's a little sad that your friend wouldn't rearrange furniture to give her daughter some sleeping space in her room, but we all have our own limits. Four of the six people who live in this house would go nuts if it was crazy messy. We four have to bend some to give the other two the freedom they need. The two who like chaos, well, they have to bend some, too. Balance.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by Raven67

I don't think you are doing your kids any favors by not setting limits on how they can behave inside a home. It's just not realistic.

Well you can explain that some things are OK at your own home that are not OK at other peoples homes. In my home it is just fine to eat and drink in the living room, but in my friend's home food and drink are only allowed in the kitchen/dining room area. In my home kids can do crafts (paper, scissors, paint, glue etc) in bedrooms or on the floor but at my friend's house these things are only OK at the table. In my home they can have kick a ball to each other across the floor, in my friends home all balls are outside toys period. None of the kids involved has had any trouble understanding that what is fine in one place isn't fine at another.

Couches aren't for jumping on.

Well at the very least your couch isn't for jumping on, which is totally fine Some people don't have an issue with their couch being jumped on. I have had a number of couches that kids could jump on. Mattresses as well.

With this neighbor kid, the mom barely intervened, and it was obvious he was allowed to do those things at home, the parents basically gave up on setting any limits.

That's the thing... what the parent hadn't succeded in conveying to the child yet was that different rules apply different places. If she could do that I think things would be peachy. How bizarre that the mom wouldn't try to redirect at all.

[mummy2one]

Originally Posted by DaisyRose

I never imply that keeping stuff nice is more important than whatever it is my children want to do. I think teaching children to value stuff over experience is a very dangerous lesson.

Do your children get invited to other peoples homes?

I am all for the kids having as many different experiences as possible, but that is just crazy. I want my child to respect mine, his and other people and their belongings. If I do not teach that in his home how can I expect him to know what to do in other peoples? We know kids that come round and act like yours do and they dont come back. I have worked too hard to let someone elses kids trash my stuff just cos their parents hate to stop a wonderful experience WTH!!

[onlyzombiecat]

I think you can teach children to care for and respect "stuff" while still giving them appropriate/safe avenues for exploration. It isn't putting stuff before people to do that.


We don't own our house. We all like it very much. If we destroy it we might not be able to live here. We have lived in a home that was not in good repair and untidy. It was depressing to be in that environment. We are all much happier with our surroundings/stuff clean and in good shape.
We don't have money to replace our furniture if it is damaged. We like our furniture so we need to take care of it. We aren't obsessive but have some basic rules- don't stab the chairs with pens/scissors, don't cut or purposefully dent/scratch the table, don't use the couch as a climbing/jumping toy, don't shove food or toys into the vcr.
I give my dd fingerpaint, crayons, paper, chalk, playdough, easel, etc. and expect her to use those in the appropriate places instead of smearing peanut butter all over the walls, drawing on the doors, or painting the TV screen with her father's model paint. I don't think it is stifling to redirect a child to an appropriate way to do the things they want.
We set up a play area for dd in the basement. There are fewer rules there. She can ride her scooter there, spill things, and leave toys out to her hearts content. I don't stress if she makes a mark on the cement wall or floor. She knows that she can do that in that space but not upstairs. I feel that is a good solution.

[maya44]

I totally agree with UnschoolMa that kids easily learn that there are different standards of behavior "out" than at home.

However, I also agree with the many pp's who make it clear that wanting nice "stuff" does not mean you are placing stuff "above" people.

[DaisyRose]

My children have no problem understanding that differrent people have different rules. They have tons of friends that don't get to jump on the couch and get screamed at if they bang something wood or scrape a wall. I have a feeling the laid backness of my house is why so many kids prefer to visit us.

And there is a world of difference between mess and destruction, and not worrying about furniture. No one is allowed to sit at the table and deliberately mark it up, but if it happens, it happens. I've seen women look like they were going to faint at a tiny scratch in a table and to me, that is just capital W Wrong. It's a table. It's stuff. You will not look back over your life and think about how you kept that darn table so nice, but you might look back and regret every minute you spent in conflict with your child, or making them feel bad, over something as inconsequential as a table or a couch or a bed frame.

I can understand protecting delicate things, like a fiddle or drums or a piano, because those ARE delicate. But that's one thing in a whole house of stuff.

I would never save up for years to buy something I would then have to monitor and potentially harass my children to "take care of". And in my home, the furniture and dishes and regular things we need for life do NOT belong to mommy and daddy. They belong to the whole family. My children are not guests in my home. Everything I have, they have.