How important is your "stuff"? - Page 2

[sarathan]

In our house, knowing how to treat things so that they will last and look nice is just part of how we live.

:

We try to teach our kids to be "gentle" with our stuff because this stuff needs to last us a loooong time! Plus, it's easier when we go over to someone's house. We don't need to worry as much about our 2-year old ruining their stuff.

[laralou]

Originally Posted by DaisyRose

And in my home, the furniture and dishes and regular things we need for life do NOT belong to mommy and daddy. They belong to the whole family. My children are not guests in my home. Everything I have, they have.

Same here. The items in our house belong to us all, so they should be taken care of accordingly, ie without damaging it so that no one else can enjoy it. It is respectful to consider everyone's feelings when sharing.

[mamawanabe]

Waste takes a pretty big environmental toll. Replacing a new couch every year because it has been jumped on by happy little kids means creating a new couch every year (and there is a lot of toxic waste that goes into making and transporting a new couch as well as landfilling an old couch).

I do think balancing desire with greater consequence is an important lesson to teach our children - and this includes use of "stuff."

[faythe]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

DaisyRose wrote: "I think teaching children to value stuff over experience is a very dangerous lesson."

I'm not sure that taking care of items (furntiure, etc.) is at all relevant to the statement above.
I mean, yes, if you don't want to take your toy boat and float it in the water because it will get wet and therefore you miss out on the experience of watching your new boat float--then yes, the experience is lost.
But I don't see how banging your fork on the dinner table or jumping on the couch is teaching a child to value experience over stuff and therefore the child is learning a lesson of any kind.
...
I think that respect of "items" is an extension of our respect for the person who owns them. Example: that belongs to grandpa, and we respect grandpa, so we respect what belongs to grandpa.

:

I don't see the how respecting possessions and using them as they were intended teaches children to value stuff over people. As many other posters have pointed out there are plenty of alternatives to banging on the table or jumping on the couch. Our children can still have those experiences of flying around in the air or making a loud, horrible noise without damaging furniture, risking injury or being rude.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by DaisyRose

In our home, "stuff" takes a backseat to people on almost every occasion. Another post discusses not letting children jump on couches because it "wears the furniture out". I remember threads where people rejected co-sleeping because they didn't want to mess up their bedroom furniture. I actually know a person like this. She refuses to move her big wardrobe out of her bedroom so her kids mattress could fit on the floor.

If my kids want to jump on the couch, bang their forks on the table (and dent the wood - oh no!), pull all the cusions off the furniture and make a big castle, ride their (no clumps of mud, please) bikes around the house when it's raining outside, or otherwise use our "stuff" in a child appropriate way, I let them do it.

I never imply that keeping stuff nice is more important than whatever it is my children want to do. I think teaching children to value stuff over experience is a very dangerous lesson.

I really resent that implication. There is nothing wrong with teaching your child to respect things. Just because I do not let my kids go hog wild and tear up everything and jump and do whatever they want to, does not mean I value things more than them. It is more a matter of teaching them not to do it at home, so they will not do it elsewhere. Wanting to keep things nice is not a crime, nor does it mean we do not love our kids. I think teaching children the meaning of respect is the main issue here. Jeez. I do not have the nicest furniture in the world. It is definitely used. I do not have unlimited income to replace things that get demolished.

If you want to teach your kids it is ok to tear everything in their path up, then fine. That is your way. I do not disrespect it. Do what you want with your kids. But, do not criticize and try to make parents like me out to be the bad guy here.

[yaM yaM]

I have experimented with many different approaches over my 10+ years of mothering. .

In my own childhood, I grew up in a virtual museum. Everything was regal and untouchable - seriously - there were rooms we weren't even allowed to walk in, let alone sit down on the furniture in them. The 'stuff' was protected way more than my feelings. It was a competition between my child-self and inanimate objects.

So I knew I'd be different as a mother, because of my memories of those sad, hurt feelings.


That said, I don't go to the other end of the spectrum, either. In my experimenting with limits in this area, I've found that, on a very real, practical level, stuff breaks and gets destroyed by misuse. Chairs that are turned upside down and sat on DO break after a while of that, and couches are just not designed to be impacted frequently, etc. And, yes, I DO consider this to be environmentally relevant; as far as the need to frequently replace stuff with more stuff because it is being used in ways it was not intended to.

On the other hand, while I ask for respect for our furniture, I ask for that respect RESPECTFULLY, being very careful to convey that my allegiance is to my children, not the furniture.

And since my children, especially my daughter, are very physically oriented and active, I provide many outlets for that purpose - out of RESPECT for their need to use their bodies in that way.

We have an indoor trapeze bar, twizzler, and swing. We have a huge, enclosed trampoline. We have several different hammocks. We play at the park frequently, take family walks, and swim at community pools. I also have my children enrolled in several different movement-oriented classes.

I also feel there's importance and relevance in the area of cultural norms. Yes, I understand that it's also an option to just teach them that different people have different rules in their house, etc., but I also like for them to know what is culturally appropriate (in this context).

[sunnmama]

People just have different comfort levels for this kind of thing :

My stuff is important to me, I guess....I mean, I like it and it makes me feel comfortable and cozy.....but most of it came to us "well-loved" (read: used), and was hardy enough to withstand 30-50 years of use (probably with children), so I figure it will withstand dd, lol.

I do think that the key here is redirection. THere is no need, imo, to allow children to ruin things. Just redirect to something a bit more sturdy! Dd had a small plastic toucan at one point that she liked to make "peck" at the furniture (and leave marks). So we found a small block of wood for the bird to peck, or something like that.

[lilyka]

I also want to point out that I don't have a museum house (and I know you weren't implying that) I buy sturdy useable furniture that will hide stains and stand up to flopping about on and can be creatively covered and easily cleaned.my paint is scrabble and my floos wood. (we bought house and furniture after having children :LOL) but do still expect it to be used for the reason it was built. the science of carpentry and metal works takes into account how things will be used and puts strength points and what not in specific places for specific reasons. welds and joints are made to stand up to a certain about of pressure and flex. I want my children to appreciate our stuff for its beauty (if it has any value there, although we do consider what we bring into our home), its workmanship, someone worked hard to make it beautiful, and how hard daddy worked to be able to afford it (even if it only cost $3 that is still aout 1/2 an hour that he wasn't with us to afford that). and while I don't expect my stuff to stay pristien I do expect my children to not intentionally wreck it (such as by banging a fork on the table). it is just not acceptable to be intentionally rough with something or to intentionally mar the object. and i know some people are thinking "well they don;'t mean to hurt the table. they are not even thinking about the table" true. that is why we need to teach them. and they may not understand now, nmow they may just be following rules but they will have a deeper sense of wabnting to take care fo thier things and value the work put into making and purchasing stuff. I was not raised to value this. everything in my life was crap and we were alllowed to treat it as such. Takling care of things (both wanting to and how to) is something I have been learning.

not to mention when I flop down on my couch I want cushy cusions. not a spring to my rear. same goes for the beds

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

I think that respect of "items" is an extension of our respect for the person who owns them. Example: that belongs to grandpa, and we respect grandpa, so we respect what belongs to grandpa.

Now this I can agree with.

[raleigh_mom]

Again...balance. We have a couch from the old company "Cargo". That means it is one that is fine to jump on and pull the cushions off of. Ditto for sitting on the coffee table. Right now the girls just have top mattresses on the floor. (Eventually they will be getting a bunk bed.) So for now, they can bounce to their hearts' content. We have lots of toys in the house that they can play rough with.

But they are very clear that they don't jump on couches at other peoples' homes unless they are invited to - which has happened. And they don't go into others' things uninvited. They know to ask permission at peoples' houses. Well, as much as a 4yo and 2yo can know at least!

Some things I am more particular about. I took down their curtains for 1 month because they pulled on it so much that they broke the curtain rod (a cheap tension rod). We communicate very clearly about what things (like the piano) that they need to be careful with.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by DaisyRose

You will not look back over your life and think about how you kept that darn table so nice, but you might look back and regret every minute you spent in conflict with your child, or making them feel bad, over something as inconsequential as a table or a couch or a bed frame.

I think this is the whole issue. Teaching children to value and take care of "stuff" does NOT have to mean "conflict" or "making them feel bad." It depends on how you approach the situation. "We don't eat on the couch," said nicely as I re-direct my son back to the kitchen table, just teaches my son matter-of-factly what we do and don't do in our house.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by May May

In my own childhood, I grew up in a virtual museum. Everything was regal and untouchable ... And since my children, especially my daughter, are very physically oriented and active, I provide many outlets for that purpose - out of RESPECT for their need to use their bodies in that way.

: My mom had some serious control issues in this area, and I'm from a spanking family :

When the kids were little and we lived where the winters are long, we had a ball pit in our family room. There really is a middle ground on this issue.

[mamalisa]

In our house we are careful with our things, because they are nice, they cost a lot of money and aren't always easily replacable. If we have to spend money on things like new couches that takes away from money we have for things that are important to our family. If I let my 40 pound child jump on the couch, it would break. A new couch costs as much as the family vacation we took this year. A week at the beach with mom, dad and his papa, or a new couch? No question there for my son.

We don't jump on the couch because I can't fix the couch if it breaks. I can clean the couch easily, it's dark and won't stain, so we sit on the couch to eat and if it gets messy, no biggie. We don't do crafts at the dining room table, but we have a play table for crafts, or we lay down a tarp and play in the living room. I know my ds is not stunted by our rules, I think it teaches him that things do have value. My dh works hard for the things we have, to treat them poorly by not using them as intended would be disrespectful to him.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Depends on the stuff and the situation for me Ive tried to show the kids that stuff we take care of well lasts longer, and if it is my stuff I think I have a right to ask that it be treated nicely (just as the kids do about their stuff of course).

That said I have no problem with kids tossing pillows, using a skateboard in a cleared out living room or hallway, tossing paperballs around, etc.

Exactly. There is living in a relaxed, child friendly environment, and there is being respectful of your home. I like to think we do both here. Ds can jump on the couch, he can jump on our bed (we have no frame and the mattress is fairly old). But he cannot scratch the wood furniture deliberately, and he cannot draw on the walls. He can gently throw balls around the house, but he cannot kick soccer balls towards the lamps.

We are more relaxed than most other parents we know. Most people are pretty shocked that we allow the bed and couch jumping, or eating in the living room. But what I find really ironic is that ds has never broken or ruined a single thing in our house. And I don't remember ever having to even explain to him that you don't jump on the couch at our neighbor's house. They weren't doing it, so he didn't do it. His behavior in other homes has never been an issue.

But we all enjoy having a clean house and nice things, so we all do our part to be respectful of our living space.

[velochic]

I'd never put our "stuff" above our child. When she bangs her head on the coffee table, I don't rush over to the coffee table to see if she damaged it. Of course, like any parent I would be worried about my kid's head.

But blatant disrespect of what you own... and by that I mean damaging in any way... just teaches what I despise most about American culture, which is that EVERYTHING is disposable. Got a couch... use it for a trampoline and buy another couch when it breaks. Such a waste when it would be so much easier/economical/sensible to just buy the kid a little trampoline!!!! It's not about how important your "stuff" is, it's about letting your kids use toys as toys and furniture as furniture.

[fiddledebi]

Another two cents here...there are some other cool ways to combine a respect for stuff with a regard for children's creativity and curiosity. DD loves to rearrange the furniture -- push chairs around, move her stool from room to room, etc. We have really pretty oak hardwood floors that, while we're by no means obsessive over, we'd like to keep from getting TOO scratched up. So, we bought a bazillion of those soft felt pads and put them on the bottom of everything -- her little rocking chair, all our chairs, all the table legs (even the ones that rest on carpets), etc. Now she can drag the furniture all over the house if she wants to and it doesn't hurt the floors. When a pad loses its stickum and falls off, we show her how to put a new one on and explain that without the pad, the chair will make a big scratch in the floor. She gets it.

Similarly, if she wants to do something like eat on the couch or something, we do try to find a way to accomplish what she wants AND protect the couch. A snack like popcorn can be eaten on the couch -- we just throw a sheet or blanket underneath her so the popcorn, when it inevitably falls out of the bowl or her hands, will not leave greasy stains on our couch. Easy to do -- and everyone is happy!

Jumping on the couch/bed? More of a safety concern than anything else, since we have a couch with built in recliners that could pop open, and our beds are all platforms or futons that really could crack under that kind of strain. So, it's a no-no in our house, but we CAN put a big pillow on the floor and stand by the side of the bed/couch and hold on to the bed/couch while we jump on the pillow. And we do! (We also have some pretty wild wrestling and tickling matches on the bed, as long as there's no jumping...)

I guess my point is that you can teach kids that there are ways to do fun things with "stuff" and STILL take care of it. They're not mutually exclusive.

[dharmamama]

I don't think that valuing people above things means that we have to let our children run wild and use items in whatever way strikes their fancy at the moment. I think that we can value our children's experiences above our material items while still respecting our own desires to not live among tattered belongings.

For example, my son, who is learning to use scissors, wanted this morning to cut up the table cloth. Sorry, no. I like the table cloth and I don't want it to be sliced up. What I did instead was offer him an old baby washcloth to cut up. My son got his experience of cutting cloth and I didn't have to lose my pretty (yet not expensive or heirloom or anything) tablecloth.

Another example: I don't have to let my kids color on the living room couch that my husband and I bought together right after we got married. Yes, it's just a couch, but it represents a lot to us. We don't want the couch to look like we don't care what happens to it, and we DO care what happens to it. If my kids feel the need to color on furniture, well, that's why they have a really old, free-to-us dresser. I don't care if they color on it. They can color on their mattresses, too, or even their sheets if they want to. I don't care about those things in the way I care about the couch.

In the same way, if I wanted to use some dear possession of my children's in a way it's not intended to be used and my children objected, I wouldn't do it. I would value both their desires and their items.

I definitely don't think it's an either/or.

Namaste!

[Doodlebugsmom]

I agree with the pps who agree that you need to find a balance. Kids need to be comfortable in their homes, but they also need to learn to take care of their homes. We allow couch and bed jumping. Our couches are about 7 years old, and they are great couches. They're Flexsteel, so they're made to take a beating!:LOL I won't consider getting new furniture until the kids are significantly older. Our bed isn't on a frame, so I allow jumping. However, if it was on a frame, I wouldn't allow it. Too much of a chance for breakage. I don't allow writing on the walls, even though it has happened a time or two! Also, dd has had no trouble figuring out that she can't just go to other people's homes and jump on their furniture.