Others Spanking DC - Page 2

[Ravin]

I understand how difficult a single mama situation can be. My sister once was put in an even worse position because her roommates, who were watching her then not yet 2 yo DD, thought feeding her tabasco sauce was an appropriate punishment.

My sister left as soon as she was able, and stopped using her roommates for child care immediately. Of course your situation is with family, which makes it more complicated.

If you're working at least 30 hours a week (I think it's 30), you can probably qualify for state assistance for childcare. And if you look around, you may find that some of the better centers (and licensed in-home providers, who are often very competent and more affordable) take state assistance--part of how they stay in business is passing their exorbiant fees on to the taxpayers. It might hurt your sister's feelings, but then it also might take the stress off of her. If she can't respect your wishes in how your DS is parented and supervised, she shouldn't watch him.

[LoveBeads]

My heart goes out to you. Maybe it's easy for me to say (since I'm not in your shoes) but there is no way I would allow my sister to continue to watch my child. She sounds like she has much too much of an explosive temper and not any knowledge of age appropriate behaviors. I just wouldn't be able to trust her to not hit my child. If she knows how opposed you are to it, that still may not stop her but it may make her lie to you about it.

I'm so sorry.

[flyingspaghettimama]

If any member of my family ever laid a hand on my child, I'd call the police. And I would let them know it. Nobody has the right to hit your child. I'm sure this sounds harsh, and probably not a helpful solution to your situation; but nobody (stranger/family) has the right to hit another person, especially my little person! I grew up in a family with too much of that stuff, so I would need some very dramatic way to communicate the inappropriateness of the behavior to my family.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Last night I stayed up way past midnight typing up pieces from Between Parent & Child, How to Talk so Kids will Listen..., and The Discipline Book - I typed excerpts that really spoke to me while I was reading those books. I typed a lot of the really important stuff in 16pt font, and added bold and italics to the parts I really, really am working on with my DS. I cut out the excerpts and my goal is to put some of them up on the fridge and in the office on the bulletin board - as reminders to myself and others who pass by that area.

I know my sister thinks her baby will never "act out" like she thinks my son is. But to be honest, DS is such a sweet boy. He has moments of getting into things (ok, what toddler doesn't?), sometimes he touches more roughly than he should (so I express how that isn't ok and how to touch gently), sometimes *gasp* he even has a temper tantrum when he is tired, over stimulated, or hungry.

I know my sister and I had a very rough time growing up - I think my sister even more than me, because for some reason my dad targeted her more than me for punishment. We have both said all of our lives that we did not want to be that way with our own children. Before my sis had her baby, she positively doted on my ds (to an annoying extreme, actually, feeding him whipped cream behind my back and letting him have sips of soda at 4 months old). Since having her own, she has calmed a bit on the doting, and now *jokingly* refers to him as the "brat" :

She doesn't read like I do, which is ok. But I would like her to understand that my ds is not a mini-adult (that is completely how our dad used to treat us. we were not allowed to even make noise in public because a quiet child is a good child).

Since my sister only watches my son two days a week, for four hours a day, I can't imagine she is completely burned out, but I did make some phone calls yesterday to a couple of teenage sisters who agreed to come over during the afternoon those two days a week and help my sister - help her with the babies, help her around the house, et cetera. Maybe this extra help will be good for my sister and her nerves won't be so shot. I also plan on taking my sister to dinner this weekend and having a nonconfrontational heart-to-heart with her about my goals with DS. She is a good person with a good heart. I love her dearly. I just need her to see that I refuse to carry on our family tradition of verbal and physical abuse and punishment - and that namecalling ("brat") and hitting are in no way acceptable. I am not yet sure of how I am going to give her what she will see as "parenting advice" because I know she will take that as I don't think she is a good mother - and that is not how I mean it.....

[IncaMama]

wow. *Rock*YOU*Hard Place*

i'm so sorry about all of this. i agree with so many of the previous posters, across the board. speaking as someone not in the situation, it's easy for me to say "Get out! never let her watch her again! who cares that she's your sister! run run run!" but...that's not always reality. so...given that at least for the time being (until you can figure something else out, if that's what you decide to do) you need some practical advice. which i think that PP have given you...

so now that she's agreed not to spank (yay, by the way), we have to figure out how to get her to understand some age appropriate limits. it sounds like although she was willing to listen to you about the spanking she might get annoyed/shut down if you "lecture" her again about all of the things she's doing wrong.

soooo...with that in mind, here's my suggestion. now, normally i don't condone lying...but in some situations it's really the best option. i'd approach her in a nonconfrontational way and say that she's raised some interesting questions about how you discipline, your options, etc...and that you want to take this opportunity to learn TOGETHER about what is the best course of action. that way it's not "here, sister, here is my knowledge - now go apply it, young squire"...instead, it's "hey, let's learn together about how we can both raise our children in a positive way"

you can "discover" the truth about age appropriate discipline together...you can both "discover" the fact that 5 minute time-outs are not good for a 14mo, etc...

i know it's sneaky...but if it's not an option to leave/find other child care right now, then my advice is to do whatever the heck it takes.

[IncaMama]

ok i posted before i saw your latest post...

i think that it sounds like your sister is comparing your child to her own. i don't know how old her baby is, but i'm guessing he/she is relatively new and therefore not doing any 'bad behaviors' yet, bc he/she is still in the eating/pooping/sleeping mode of life. LOL maybe she's trying to paint your child as a "bad" child to convince herself that her own child is somehow better than yours. i don't mean that in a really bitchy way like it sounds, just that it can be natural for moms to really think that the sun and moon shines on their own offspring and anybody else's kids who deviate from their own child's behavior patterns is "bad".

that being said, i think the dinner sounds like a good idea, as does the babysitting help. i think the situation is fixable and workable and as your sister's child grows hopefully she'll realize that even her perfect angel will try to grab DVDs that are right at a toddler's level!!

[Wolfmeis]

This baby is barely over a year old!

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Ideally, I agree that a time out is a poor approach as well. However -- if a babysitter felt inclined to smack my child, I would much prefer they stick him in his crib and take 5 minutes to cool down (or even 10 minutes) before going in to interact with him. ESPECIALLY considering your upbringing, and your sisters upbringing. While walking away and taking some "space" might not be the most ideal response, it may well be the best thing that SHE could do in the situation at this point in her journey. Does that make any sense?

:

I know you're in a tough pickle. As long as she's not hitting, and she's not the primary every day caregiver, at this point I would feel it's more important to have a roof over your heads than to nitpick over parenting styles.

I would want to vomit if someone hit my baby (THIS IS A BABY), but you're right she probably thinks this guy is a huge tyrant compared ot her teeniny one. Good for you for looking here for the right ways to approach this. Good luck!

[amanda2b2]

I have to say that even parents who spank ( i do spank my kids every so often) would agree it is never ok to spank someone elses child. No matter what your beliefs on parenting are it is not alright to hit anyone elses child!

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Originally Posted by michelemiller

you can "discover" the truth about age appropriate discipline together...you can both "discover" the fact that 5 minute time-outs are not good for a 14mo, etc...

i know it's sneaky...but if it's not an option to leave/find other child care right now, then my advice is to do whatever the heck it takes.

In my situation, I think this is an excellent approach. Thanks for the insight.

My sister's baby is 2 months old, and a very "good" baby. Eats. Sleeps. Burps. Poops. My DS looks like a humongous, busy giant next to her. Haha. I think my sis is starting to understand more and more about other people "interferring" with parental styles. I asked her just recently (just as an experiment) if she would mind if I spoonfed her baby some whipped cream. She was aghast! She said, "but she's a breastfed baby! She shouldn't get anything but breastmilk!!" Keep in mind she was sneaking "treats" to my Ds at this age. There is hope for my sister, I know this. It is just going to take time, effort, patience, and a lot of trial and error - all things I am learning anyway as a mommy.

[Jish]

After I had my first ds I started attending a bfing support group. There was a girl who came who had a 15 month old ds. My ds was only a month or two at the time. I can remember thinking that there was no way that that mother could possibly love that wild toddler as much as I loved my sweet baby (and I had a real high needs baby, so that was a lot to say. :LOL ) There was just such a seemingly huge gap between my baby and hers even though they were a mere year apart in age. Then my "baby" became that "wild" (funny how my definition of "wild" changed) toddler and I loved him even more. If you are going through that falling in love stage with your first child, it is so hard to see beyond that to what is going to happen in the next year. I'm sure that in 12 short months your sister will be feeling bad for disciplining your ds for what she now thinks is "bad" behavior.

If you have a Chuck E Cheese or something like that where lots of toddlers and preschoolers gather, take her there for a few hours. After being around all those children, your sister is likely to get a better idea of what is really age appropriate and might see your ds in a totally new light and appreciate his behavior for what it is -- totally normal. I always feel great about my children and how they behave after I've been around a bunch of out of control kids for a while. :LOL

[katallen]

I would get another provider and also try educating your sister about the current thinking about violence against children. My doctor gives everyone the AAP statement on spanking when their baby goes in for the 18 month old check up and it is very in depth on not only why you should not even slap hands but also on time out being a last resort to be combined with time-in. If she doesn't respect you maybe she would respect that. The way it was worded, it sounded like they thought that physical punishment was the same as violence.
If you are low income, you can get section 8 housing and money to help with daycare from the state and then you won't be reliant on her. Writing her a letter about how you feel about spanking and why, what discipline techniques are acceptable to you, and asking for her to give honest input on why she is against doing everything possible not to have to resort to violence (worded a little better than that) might help. Especially if you are both tired and burnt out and ready to snap.