What do the 3's look like, and anything different you do to GD during them?

[quaz]

Long-winded title, but everything I always read on boards say the 3's are worse than the 'terrible' two's. DD will be three in a few months. Can someone give a description of what the terrible 3's look like, and anything you do differently to GD through them??

Trying to prepare myself here... DD didn't have 'terrible' two's until she was about 28m, when she finally started tantrums... and I wasn't prepared for the change in her.

Tammy

[sarathan]

Oh boy, if the 3's are worse than the "terrible 2's", then I'm really in for it!! :

I'm interested to see the responses...

[moonshine]

Let's just say that I didn't really start reading up on GD until DD turned 3. Everything before that age as far as GD was concerned was a breeze.

But that's just my DD. She never really had the terrible twos, as they say. Not that she didn't have her moments, but they didn't push me to the edge and my buttons until after 3.

[L.J.]

I think 3 and 4 are challenging. They are really exerting their independence and tantrums can run rampant.

My 3.5 year old screamed and cried over a dirty shirt this evening for almost 45 minutes straight.

It's just finding who they are and testing boundaries. I find that 3 and 4 year olds tend to test a lot!

Having said that, I just remain attached, keep my patience in check and stay as consistent as possible.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by L.J.

Having said that, I just remain attached, keep my patience in check and stay as consistent as possible.

I'd add to that to be prepared for all of the old stuff to no longer be sufficient. 3 was such a big change for my son that it took me a few months to catch up. Just continue to listen to your child and be flexible.

[canadiyank]

I've actually found three to be very delightful...my dd is 3.75. You definitely need new GD "tools." I think some of the ones that have been most helpful to me are giving her scripts...i.e., I say "Thank you, mama" when I hand her something, or saying, "Try again in a lower tone of voice, please" when she's whining. Also, to have a calm place, not for a time out, but to cool down...we use the couch, so if she's melting down a lot I'll suggest laying down on the couch for a bit, or ask if she'd like to cuddle her animals on her bed...not a mandate, just a suggestion, sometimes she takes it, sometimes not. What else. Reading "Your 3 Year Old" by Ames and Ilg was helpful...you can get it used on amazon super-cheap. I'll post more if I think of anything else...

[chapulina]

my experience so far (dd is 3yr and 4 mon) is that 3 has been delightful also. I am hearing more things from her like, "I am ANGRY at you mommy!" or I don't like your rules (I don't think I've ever mentioned anything about rules..), etc. I try to give her room for disagreeing and offer her as much control on things as is reasonable and safe; challenging, because I am 37 wks. along right now and heavy and tired.

I love that I can explain a lot to her and she seems to get it. The imagination of this age is priceless! And the humor too!

I don't know, I can't really think of a lot more negatives. But that's probably waiting for us here in a few weeks when the new baby comes! BTW, she is a very strong and needy personality, as a baby too, so maybe I've just acclimated to a different level of parenting.

different techniques that we are using for discipline include more discussion about why we are doing things and I am starting to ask her for possible solutions to problems; also, allowing her to express her negative feelings seems helpful. allowing for choices (limited choices) and as much independence as possible.

[OakBerry]

My ds will be 3 in a few weeks. I have to say he was an easily soothed infant, and a lovely 2 year old. He is a very cautious boy, so up until now he was not a big risk taker physically and very intent on speech and other cognitive behaviors. I find this age difficult, it seemed to happen in a months time, he is extremely stubborn, prone to tantrums, easily frustrated, irritable. He is also doing things he DIDN'T do when he was 2, like put things in his mouth, climb furniture, start rooting through cabinets and drawers, flush toys down the toilet... I could go on..

But, he also is now at the point where talking to him is like talking to an older child. He can express himself well. He will tell me if he's cold, hot, hurt, mad, sad etc. We can discuss rules and safety issues. He still doesn't have the self control or awareness to always follow the rules and stay safe, but we are getting there, I can see it. He is also delightful in that he can now make up great stories and understands humor. I love this!

So the discipline changes to reflect this. It was a big shock to me because at 2, I could say "Away from kitty when he's eating hon" and he would go play with something else. Not anymore. He is testing every boundary. I do alot of explaining. Not rushing him, not demanding or forcing, it only makes it worse. Lots of logical consequences, he really is getting that if the toys aren't picked up, mom will put some of them away in the cellar for a while. I do use time outs (I know these aren't popular here) but usually only for serious safety concerns or if he is hitting/hurting a person or animal.

[mamaduck]

I found 3 and 4 to be emotionally volitile ages. My perception was they they reached a new level of awareness, and suddenly began to experience their own feelings and reactions with a new level of acuity and sophistication. The world was no longer just stimulus and response -- they suddenly began to think about things, and realizing the meanings and outcomes of various experiences and feelings. And it was completely overhwhelming. Thus the 45 minute tantrums over things like a dirty shirt.

I really think 3 and 4 are a phase of adjustment and growing into themselves -- very like puberty. They are aware that they are outgrowing babyhood and saying goodbye to certain aspects of their former lives, approaching new things that may be scary.... they have very little basis for knowing what to expect, and they are able to express themselves now - better than ever before. So you will hear about it!

The most useful GD tool (IMHO) was simply making the effort to be empathetic and understand things from their POV. Things that may not seem like a big deal really ARE a big deal when you are only 3 and really comprehending the implications of such an event for the first time in your life. I think discipline through this phase involves a lot of lip-biting, waiting it out, faith in the fact that it will get easier, and chanting out loud that IT IS HARD TO BE THREE. Probably harder to BE THREE than to care for a 3 year old.

That said, practical things like maintaining a healthy routine and diet, and establing consistant and predicatble ways of doing things CAN go a long way toward peace. And talking about what to expect - ensuring that your child knows ahead of time what is coming next in his day. One helpful routine for us has been to "talk about tomorrow" when we put our children to bed. This probably started at age 3. Talking through our plans for the next day -- blow by blow, including simple things like getting dressed, what we will eat, who we will see, where we will go, when we will get ready for bed, etc.... Children who feel secure in their expectations are more likely to behave well.

[FireWithin]

great posts. i have a while yet until 3, but I also wish to be prepared.

keep them coming

[mamazee]

Get used to the phrase, "I do it MYSELF!"

And let child do things by himself/herself as much as possible.

If you accidentally do something that he/she wanted to do, undo it and let the child redo it. If you carry your child and he/she wanted to walk himself/herself, carry back to where you picked the child up and let him/her walk from that point.

A lot of it is the same old stuff. Don't turn things into power struggles that don't have to be. Don't escalate situations when they occur. Keep expectations reasonable for the age level. That can get harder the better they learn to speak because they're running around talking really well but they're still very very young.

I have a headache so I can't think of anything more now!

[quaz]

"Get used to the phrase, "I do it MYSELF!" "

LOL, Oh then I'm in big trouble with my 17m old... she's been saying "I DO!!!" about 1000 times a day, at least. Seriously, she can let out about 3 I DO's in a second... so when she was wanting to buckle her seatbelt in her carseat, she said about 50 I Do's....


Anyway, thanks, this helps. I see some of what is described already in my oldest... actually starting before 2 1/2... I like the description someone gave about it being about emotions.... I think that is what ratchets it up a notch.


thx
Tammy

[sadie_sabot]

Originally Posted by mamazee

If you carry your child and he/she wanted to walk himself/herself, carry back to where you picked the child up and let him/her walk from that point.

:LOL

I thought that was something "special" that my dd does!!! You mean it's not just her? :LOL

[Embee]

The best thing I did when DS was three? I read Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. Joining your DD in her world as often as you can, will help her join you in yours when you need her to. And when I say, "join her in her world" I mean CHILD DIRECTED play. When I play with DS, he gets to be in charge. If the household is my domain, then play is his. When I sit down with him, I let him call the shots, boss me around, and we get silly silly silly. Someone posted on a thread least week about a physchologist who did a study and found that 20 minutes, 3 times per week of child directed play with the parent, greatly reduces disciplnary issues. I wholeheartedly agree and would add that it helps DS open his eyes and ears to me which is helpful in this "I'm focused and can't hear you at all" age. In actuality, I try for at least 20/30 minutes A DAY if not more.

Aside from that, relax and have fun. I found it was way too easy to raise my expectations at this age because DS became so verbally articulate. I had to remind myself that he was still such a little guy, emotionally driven and raw. To change the way I saw things, rather than trying to change behavior was a huge help.

The best part of this age is the pretend/fantasy play. DS became the ultimate ROLE PLAY kid at this age (still there in full force at 4 1/2). He spent much of the year as a baby, actually. And there is one more thing thing that was helpful for me to keep in mind: 3 is that crazy age between baby and child, it can be a bit of a muddle for kids. They want to be older, but lament the passing of babyhood. When DS needed to be babied, I gave him what he needed, and when I sensed he needed to the big guy, I found new ways to empower him.

In general, 3 is just more of the same: following cues, coming close when needed, and backing off when needed. And play. LOTS of amazing play.

Have fun!

Em

P.S. I think the age thing is so subjective and differs for all kids. DS at 2 and 3, was a rather predictable thing. THere were colorful behaviors for sure, but they tended to be fleeting and so normal and predictable. Now four? That's another story entirely...

[kiwiming]

Originally Posted by canadiyank

"Try again in a lower tone of voice, please"

I'll have to remember that one - so much kinder than bellowing "STOP WHINING!"

One of the goals in our home right now is to "remember to be kind".

[johub]

I want to echo what one mom said about "scripts"
This is one of my most valuable tools for my 3 year old.
That and breathing exercises to get himself under control.
The more scripts he has to handle everyday situations the more predictable life becomes for him and the more control he has over it.
For example. When he gets angry and frustrated and I have a hard time understanding what he wants I work it out and then get him to repeat
a "May I please have" or maybe "IT makes me angry when. . ."
Three has been very enjoyable for us so far (1 month).
I do remember that my oldest never experienced the "terrible twos" but three was a huge challenge and it drove me nuts. HOwever it was so long ago I cant share any tips.
Joline

[mamabohl]

I found that my sons attitude improved amazingly once he turned three. That year or so between about 20 and 36 months-ish was tough, but now he's back to my sweet boy that always gets compliments about how well behaved he is. (I used to be embarassed to go out with him when he was 2)