30 month old has poor listening skills

[kindacrunchy]

My son is 30 mos old and does not liste/pay attention when my husband or I are making a request. He acts as if he doesn't hear us. I know he can get really focused, but it is getting ridiculous. I have talked to hima bout paying attention and doing what we ask when we ask it instead of having to ask 5 times. It is getting infuriating!
Tonight, he wouldn't stay at the table for dinner (which happens often) and dh and I told him several times to get back in his chair. Sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn't. Finally I put him in his high chair, set the timer and told him he had to stay in there until the timer went off so he could eat. He kept standing in the chair and giving me that look of "I'm testing you". I would tell him to sit back down and that he couldn't get out until the timer went off. I started to raise my voice. Not yelling, just more irritated. I don't like that, but I don't know what to do.
Am I expecting too much from him?

[Dragonfly]

I think so.

2.5 is still very young to expect a child to heed verbal direction, particularly when they're focused on doing something else.

It also sounds like you're having a power struggle around him sitting at the table. Is it really necessary that he do so?

[canadiyank]

Yeah, I probably wouldn't make a big deal about the table thing, but I know for some people it's important to have a sit-down family meal. In our house we usually start out together but she'll leave and we leave her plate out so she kind of picks from it throughout the evening. I know that wouldn't work for all families, though.

As far as the "listening." Your request needs to be followed up by action. Some people say things once, then act...I have chosen twice b/c I easily get caught up in something and honestly sometimes don't hear people the first time...it's registers they're talking but not what they're *saying,* if that makes sense, so I give my dd the benefit of the doubt. In the above example, if we'd decided to have dd stay at the table, I would say, "Chairs are for sitting, please sit down." (This is after obviously explaining the danger of falling and the politeness of keeping seated). Then, "Chairs are for sitting" as I get move toward her (not threateningly) to help her sit down. If she kept standing, "You need to keep seated. You can stay seated on the chair or I will strap you in the high chair." TBH I wouldn't choose that as a battle, but you get my example.

Do you have any other things you struggle with as far as "listening"? Specific examples are helpful. I really think it's less about listening on his part and action/follow-through on yours, if that makes sense. I know when I'm feeling frustrated about dd's non-obedience (I prefer the terminiology non-compliance) that it's b/c I'm just repeating myself over and over and getting angry instead of stating it calmly and then moving in to help her comply.

Here is a link to the "5 Steps" method I use: http://www.aolff.org/5steps.htm

[nancy926]

I am also wondering why it's important for him to stay in his seat. At 2.5, that could be asking a lot. We have nights where DD doesn't move from her chair, but we did go through a phase of her standing on the chair, and another phase of her getting up and wanting to sit on my lap during dinner.

how many times per day do you ask him to do something and expect him to listen? I had never thought about this until I read Unconditional Parenting, but some days it has to be hard being the kid. These big people are always asking/telling you to do stuff, and getting angry if you don't do it, yk?

I also would not ask 5 times. I would ask once, and then (as a PP said) follow through. So you would say "Bottom or knees on the chair, please," and if that didn't occur, either take him out of the chair or help him sit in it. Asking over and over just teaches them that they don't have to listen the first or second or third time.

My DD is also 2.5, and we have had the same issue. I have relaxed a lot about it. They are still very little. DD has an amazing vocabulary but that doesn't mean we can treat her like she's 5 or 6 or 7 years old. She changes her mind a lot, gets upset over things we think are trivial, decides (seemingly at random) not to cooperate or listen. If you can, just roll with it. The more battles you choose to take up, the harder it will be.

[mamazee]

30-month-olds have poor listening skills, poor sitting still skills, poor impulse control skills, etc. It's just the age. Telling him to sit still at that age is like telling a 6-month-old to walk and then say, "I've told my 6-month-old to walk over and over again and he doesn't walk no matter how many times I tell him. He obviously isn't listening because if he was listening he'd walk like I told him."

I personally wouldn't expect a child that young to sit at the table for any length of time.

[mamaduck]

I think you are expecting WAY too much considering his age.

- Talking to a 2 yo. about "paying attention" and "listening" is far to abstract a concept to even bother with. "Pay attention" does not mean anything to a 2 yo. Instructions should be *very* concrete and pointed.

- At age 2, it is necessary to stand up, go to your child, get on their level and look in their eyes, touch them, and gently guide them through what you have asked of them. The first time or the 5th time.

- It is also helpful if your instructions indicate what TO DO rather than what not to. Its easier to DO something than to master the impluse to RESIST doing what you want to do.

"Bottom or knees on the chair, please,"

is a terrific example.

And I personally don't get the sitting nicely in the chair thing. When they are 3-4ish, I would tell them that excusing themselves from the table means "I'm done" and I'd put their food away then. No big deal. At 2 though -- I can't imagine them sitting for a length of time. I'd let them wander in and out for bites of food or sit on my lap to eat.

[canadiyank]

Ah yes, good example about "bottoms or knees on the chair." I don't know how many times we've said that in this house, LOL! I agree about stating things in the positive - what TO do instead of what not to do. This is probably my favourite GD tool! It feels unnatural a lot of the time, but I find myself stopping to think how to phrase something positively (which helps me calm down) and it also cuts down on my "random no's," the times I find myself saying "no" or "stop" when it doesn't. really. matter.

[MamaE]

kindacrunchy, that would irritate me too, so I hear ya! I agree with PPs that you have to follow through. My DD is 27 mos, and I have sort of a "rule" or procedure for follow-through. If she doesn't do it the first time, I go to her and physically help her do it. Not forcibly, I just show her - either by my actions, or by helping her body make the actions. Kwim? They are so physical at this age and language is so (relatively) new to them that we can't expect them to comply with a simple verbal command. We need to show them. That said, I pick my battles, as I am sure you do, and I *try* not to make an issue of something unless it is a safety issue ('try' being the operative word here - it's hard sometimes, isn't it?).

Hang in there!

[lilyka]

I don't know that you are expecting too much to have him sit at the table. t his is the rule at our house, from the time the first bite of food goes in thier mouth (I also didn't allow nursing gymnastics ect so by the times solids were introduced they were used to sitting nicely and focusing on eating) so by 2 1/2 it is a non issue.

However I don't think this has anythingt o do with listening skills.

Try not to get frustrated. just be patiently consistant. if he really can't sit at the table perhaps he still needs the high chair. no big. It is hard for little ones to sit at a table and eat nicely ebcause sometimes even with a booster (which should have a seatbelt) he may not be able to get comfortable and focus on eating. he is still just a baby.

[dswmom]

Lots of good suggestions---I wanted to add my two cents. First, I like to have dinner together with my son (34 mos) and dh, but we don't always have it together at the table. Try mixing up where you have your dinners, i.e. on a blanket in the living room, outside when you can stand the heat, or another place. Giving your child flexibility while he eats doesn't turn eating and sitting into an "issue". I'm not saying that you should just let him not eat, but sometimes kids just aren't hungry at each meal like adults are. They can actually stay sustained for longer periods of time if they had a big lunch or snacks before dinner.

Try to remember what is going on in that little 2.5 yo mind!

[kindacrunchy]

I am getting the consistent message from everyone that I am expecting too much. It's easy to do since he has such escellent verbal skills and does seem to have good comprehension as well. The issue isn't so much sitting at the table to eat, it is that he seems to tune us out. Yes, I would like him to sit for 5 minutes and concentrate on eating. He gets so distracted,he forgets about his food. I end up hand feeding the kid all the time to make sure he eats. When he says he's done then we are done. I don't force it on him. Secondly, I can ask him questions like, are you hungry/thirsty and he won't respond. I know he is hearing me he just doesn't respond.
Can all of you please define "following through"? For example, if my son needs his diaper changed I will tell him once, then twice, then do you want me to set you down to change your diaper or do you want to do it? If he "ignores" me, I pick him up and do it. If he says he wants to do it, I give him the opportunity to do it himself. I may be giving him core chances than I should but I just want to make sure I understand what "following through" is. He knows how to sit at the table and eat. We ditched the high chair over a year ago because it was becoming a huge issue. I can certainly pick him up and sit him in his chair, but I can't force hime to stay there. He is very much in the I can do it myself phase , so we try to verbally give him his opportunities insteadd of physically.
I appreciate all of your feedback and I would appreciate feedback on this post, too.
Thanks!

[poisonedapple]

I could of written your post Karen, its not just sitting at the table here, its everything.. almost! I think we are the opposite though in expectations, as I have an older daughter and I know for her my expectations are high, but for ds, they arent as high since hes so much younger then her.

But I think simple commands should be able to be followed by 2 1/2 year olds, but we just aren't getting that here. So I dont think I really have any advice, but you aren't alone. Action is definitely key, we do 3x of asking here, then action on my part.

[Dodo]

I had to giggle when I read the title of this thread.

[lilyka]

I don't usually give my children more than one chance to respond before helping them follow through with a request. especially the baby. I ask once and then go and get her. that way she isn't doing a mental "OK I've got two more warnings before I have to do what I am supposed to". it also circumvents(sp?) me raising my voice since I am not waiting until I lose my patiences to help them them comply. and then I have patience fo the next battle

[canadiyank]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

I know he is hearing me he just doesn't respond.

So mostly you're frustrated he doesn't respond to your questions? Are you sure he's hearing, not engrossed in something else, thoughts/toys or whatnot? Have you tried getting down to his eye level, eye contact (at least fleeting contact...having eye contact the whole time is intimidating, which is not conducive to what you're trying to accomplish ), etc.? Sometimes I say to my dd, "Did you hear?" or "Did you understand?"

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

Can all of you please define "following through"?

Well, it depends on the situation...as a pp mentioned, I would show her the actions or help her physically, if it were something like asking her to pick up her toys.

Or if she's jumping on the couch, "You can jump on the big pillow, please stop jumping on the couch." Keeps jumping. "Jump on the big pillow." Keeps jumping. Then I would go over a lift her off the couch and place her by the big pillow. (BTW - this may cause her to be upset...that doesn't mean it's punitive, she's just reacting to the boundary. Being non-punitive doesn't mean your child will be happy all the time, as much as I wish it did!)

Or if it were to respond to a question or choice, I would say something like, "Would you like milk or water?" No response. "Milk or water?" No response. "I will pour you milk unless you say differently." If she wants water I'll hear about it, LOL, and that's fine. Otherwise I would have just kept asking with no response, kwim? If she truly doesn't care the milk will be fine and we'll just go on.

The 5-steps link I gave before has some more details...I don't always use all the steps...sometimes you need to skip from the request immediately to helping, for example...

[JaysMama]

Oh boy! : My 34 month old dd does the same type of things. It takes every ounce of strength not to yell at her when she's ignoring me. My frustration level can get so high and I have to keep telling myself "She's only 2, she's only 2" I will be lurking and happily reading everyones advice to kindacrunchy.

[sparklemom]

As echoed above, you are indeed expecting way too much of your little one. Case in point:

The issue isn't so much sitting at the table to eat, it is that he seems to tune us out.

Follow his cues. If he's not responding, let it be if you can. Don't keep pounding and nagging bc that will make it worse. Rather, let some things be if you at all can. Clearly he feels overloaded, or is just not "there" yet with what you're asking. Try to lighten the amount you're asking him to do, and offer fewer choices so that you're not always asking him questions that he has to respond to ("which drink do you want?"...) just pick one. if he requests otherwise, fine. but take some of the answering out of situations.
He's not acting up or trying to disrespect you, but those dynamics will present themselves down the road if you continue to see his behavior in a negative light rather than just realizing he's still so young. It does depend on what kind of relationship you want----if you want him to jump when you say jump, then gentle discipline may not be the right place for you. It takes extra patience (that's an understatement) to parent compassionately, but it fosters and amazing relationship with your child that is infinitely worth it. Believe the best about your child. The rest of the world is there to do otherwise.

[kiwiming]

Listening Ears

Something that has worked for us is sending our son to "find" his "listening ears". He'll often come back in less than ½ a minute announcing that he found them "here" on his head.

Somehow the phrase "I think you need to go and find your listening ears" breaks through the selective deafness when nothing else I say will.

[MamaE]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

Can all of you please define "following through"? For example, if my son needs his diaper changed I will tell him once, then twice, then do you want me to set you down to change your diaper or do you want to do it? If he "ignores" me, I pick him up and do it. If he says he wants to do it, I give him the opportunity to do it himself. I may be giving him core chances than I should but I just want to make sure I understand what "following through" is.

By following through, I just meant physically showing the child what to do. I was thinking of the chair example. If I asked DD to sit and she didn't, I would then go over and gently help her bend her knees and sit. Now, if she still didn't sit... Hmm... I guess I would give her a choice. Do you want to sit on the chair or in my lap? She would typically pick one of those so this would go no further at our house. I am not sure I can tell you what I would do next because I haven't BTDT! How are things going by now? You got some great ideas on this thread - I've been :

[johub]

I DO expect my children to sit at the table through dinner until they are done eating.
But I dont expect instant compliance to a request at that age.
If I really want my child to do something, and they havent responded by the first or second time I dont repeat myself. I go over and walk him or her thorugh it.

My ds1 is now 3 and sometimes gets down from the table before he is done, but when I remind him that he hasnt been excused he gets back into his seat and says "May I please be excused" and then he gets down.
Before he was able to reasonably stay in his seat of his own volition, he had a booster seat with a buckle.

Even my 21 month olds get fed in their high chair and dont get down until they are finished with their meals.
They will graduate from their high chairs when I can reasonably expect them to stay in their chairs on their own too.
As for the compliance to requests. It does improve over time.
Currently my 3 year old responds much more consistently to direction than my 13 year old! LOL
WHen I ask him to do somethign he usually says "Of course" and gets up and does it. If he doesnt want to he will still respond but with a negative "I'm playing guys right now" And becasue I know he is listening and responding I will often tell him that I will set the timer for 5 minutes and then he has to do X.

Joline