My brother hit my DD!

[MyBabiesCome1st]

Let me first admit I am not the best GD'er. I am trying really hard to get better at GDing. Of course, I grew up with spankings and actions that bordered on abuse.

Well my family, for the most part, is cool with my discipline for my kids. With the exception of my know it all brother. He's a year younger than me and was the first in my family to graduate college. So I guess he thinks he is smarter than everyone....whatever.

We were sitting at my grandma's table and my DD and brother were carrying on. I got up to go the restroom and came around the corner just in time to see my brother turn my DD over his knee and SMACK her HARD. I was furious, but I immediately comforted my DD and then asked why he hit her. He said she spit on him. DD just turned 4 and I imagine she did spit on him. Not something I encourage either. So I CALMLY said to my brother, you should have told me and I would have corrected her. My B blew up and yelled all sorts of nasty things to me. He told me that if he spit on someone when he was little he would have been slapped across the mouth (true) and she/I should be glad he just smacked her butt. My mistake comes here, I got into a yelling fit with him over this. He ended up taking pizza and boxes off my grams table and throwing them across her yard. (Talk about needing to get a grip) Then he left. My grandparents and aunt who were present sided with me and I asked them why they didn't stick up for me then. They just said he gets in these "moods" and you can't talk to him.

Well it's darn near impossible for me to not be around him. There are family functions where we'll see each other...and although we aren't on speaking terms he will still take it upon himself to discipline my kids. And I'm not going to tolerate it. I stopped allowing my kids to visit at my parents house without me b/c my B lives there and my parents will not keep my kids away from him or tell him the rules, ie leave the kids alone, don't touch them...etc. I think my parents are afraid of him. (Yes, they did border abusive raising us, but they are sooooooo reformed now.)

I just don't know what to do. I know this is going to cause a huge rift in my family. I am truly convinced if another episode like this occurs I will press charges on him. I mean, if he hit an adult it would be assult, so why is it any different for a child? Just on top of it all I hate that there is this friction in my family and another worry added to my gram (who is undergoing surgery monday for lung cancer). That's another topic though.

Any ideas on how I can deal with my brother, try to keep peace in my family, and set a good example for my kids. My gram thinks I should have just "let it go" but I want my kids to know I will stand up for them. YK?

This really has me upset.

[canadiyank]

That is awful. I think you're right about standing up for your kids...he does NOT have the right to hit your child. I imagine you're feeling furious and confused right now. I'm so sorry that happened! I wouldn't let it go, but give yourself a bit to calm down and plan how you can create more boundaries...you've already started with not leaving them near him.

I'm sorry about your gram, too.

[Bethla]

Your description of your brother sounds very similar to mine. He is still living w/ my parents and seems to be really annoyed with my children and can often be quite mean, even physically. My parents seem to be afraid of him too.

Just once I would like to go over to my parent's house and have him not be "lurking" around!
I haven't figured out what to do yet. I think he needs to be put in his place and I will tell him off.
I think abstaining from family functions is the best idea. And if anyone asks why just explain if bro. can't get a grip than you will not be coming over anymore. Maybe your parents will put some pressure on him to change.

[meemee]

woah amber. that was good self control on ur part initially. i probably would have gone ballistic on him.

i am sorry i have no advice on how to deal with this situation. it seems like he needs some kind of anger management classes or something. at least u stood ur ground even though it escalated things. maybe u might be the evil one now and he might actually try to avoid u at functions. it concerns me that one day he might be a father and plans to continue what happened to him instead of learning from it with both partner and kids.

i am surprised u say this will create a huge rift in ur family. does that mean they are willing to accept his anger and just let it carry on as it is. i know how important family is but if they feel that way it seems to me it is best to perhaps stay away.

[mamaduck]

Huh. He sounds unstable and dangerous. If anything were worth causing a "rift" over -- it would be this. I would never ever leave her alone with him again. And I would strongly consider filing a police report and pressing charges. He assaulted your child.

[mother nurture]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Huh. He sounds unstable and dangerous. If anything were worth causing a "rift" over -- it would be this. I would never ever leave her alone with him again. And I would strongly consider filing a police report and pressing charges. He assaulted your child.

I am in agreement w/ this mama that your brother sounds unstable and dangerous!!! I am so sorry that this had to happen to you and your dd! It really struck a never w/ me. My first memory as a child was of my uncle hitting me when he and my aunt were babysitting me. My parents NEVER spanked me. They left me w/ them one night and I was crying for my mama. He took me up to one room and just kept hitting me and telling me to stop crying! To this day, twenty some odd years later, I can't be in the same room w/ him. I will NEVER leave my dd w/ him. I don't have any advice for you regarding your brother, but I would keep my distance. If he's going to be irrational and won't even discuss things w/ you on an adult level, I wouldn't subject myself to his verbal and physical abuse! Best of luck...

[captain optimism]

In this case, I would write to him, either on email or via letter. I would tell him:

*that you don't think it was ever okay for your parents to have hit him (or you, or any of the sibs) in order to make him (or you) behave

*his unhappy childhood is not an excuse to inflict punishment on other children

*that you want your dc to have a good relationship with him and with all the other relatives, and that means that you want to be the one to handle it if your dc misbehaves in relation to him. A good relationship goes two ways, and you want your child to behave well toward him.

* As much as you want to have a good relationship with him, you won't be bringing your children to be around him until he can commit to not hitting them.

*If anyone outside of your family (a teacher or daycare provider, or babysitter) ever hit your child for any reason, you would certainly call the police, and you don't expect a lower standard of behavior from family members.

*If he ever hits one of your children again, you will not hesitate to press charges against him. (You have to actually be willing to do this, though. I would.)

That's what I would say.

[Wolfmeis]

OK I don't know about brother's issues.....but

YOU ARE TOTALLY IN THE RIGHT HERE.


I think it would be inappropriate for a Mama to turn a kid over her knee and swat her for spitting. Discipline was called for of course, but in front of everyone, like she's a piece of chattle... ?However-----for an uncle to do it? Just an uncle who happens to be there? He was not disciplining, he was retaliating. I'd have spit on him again for her.

OK, so I wouldn't have, but i really would want to.

"I just don't know what to do. I know this is going to cause a huge rift in my family. I am truly convinced if another episode like this occurs I will press charges on him. I mean, if he hit an adult it would be assult, so why is it any different for a child? "

You are your child's best and only ally. It doesn't matter who gets hurt (feelings-wise) or angry. If you don't defend your child, no one will, and this total a$$hole needs to know that you will defend her. I for one don't think your yelling match was inappropriate. It got his attention and you met him where he is. Bullies need to know who they can't bully.

[delicious]

if you absolutely have to be around him i would keep the kids with you at all times. if you go to the bathroom, they go too.

but honestly if my brother ever did that, he'd never see them again.

[Wolfmeis]

:

[katallen]

I would make it very clear to him that he is not to touch your child in any way, that you are the mother and the disciplinarian and you handle problems, and that you don't think very much of his education since it didn't teach him how to handle conflict without violence. And if he is really annoying I'd tell him if he has such a low self esteem that hitting a child that is about 1/4 of his size makes him feel better than he needs to check himself into an institution.

[MyBabiesCome1st]

My family is odd. I don't know how to accurately describe them. I honestly don't know why no one sticks up to my brother. All his life they've made excuses for him...he has always delt with rage/anger and it's always been dismissed.

My family seems to "overlook" a lot of what he does b/c they see him as the perfect kid. He was never in "trouble", he follows their religion, and don't forget he is sooo smart b/c he graduated college. Whatever. Plus I seriously believe they are affraid of him (my dad owns a business that my brother controlls just because my dad will not tell him NO).

It irks the hell out of me that he is controlling my life too. I mean I can't let my kids go spend the day or night with grandma b/c I don't know if my brother is going to be there or not. And if he shows up somewhere I am, I usually have to leave b/c he's so loud and controlling he tries to take charge of every situation...he won't even allow me to ignore him!

Part of the problem is my daughter acts like me. I think when he sees her he reverts back to childhood and he has these dilusions that I was never "punished" or "disciplined" and so he wants to take it out on my DD. Scary.

WHat is scarier is he has his BA in criminal justice. Luckily he hasn't found a job in that field...yet. My gram actually said they better not interview her to see if he'd make a good candidate for a possition in law enforcement b/c she will not recommend him.

I know our childhood was not ideal. I have been in therapy for it. My parents have been in therapy for it. (I honestly think they were young and just following what society condoned, spanking, and it got out of control. Like I said their actions bordered on abuse).

I know, a lot of rambling. I'm trying to raise a peaceful loving family. Life was so much more peaceful when my brother was in college....so I'm wishing now he finds a job far far away!

[Cleopatra]

Amber, it sounds like your brother has some mental health issues that have not been dealt with. Sometimes the best thing to do for someone like this when they commit a crime (which he did) is to call the police and press charges. Getting into the court system means that he can be forced to receive psychiatric help, anger management, or whatever else he needs. From the sound of your post I kinda doubt he'd be willing to get help on his own. Besides that, you and the rest of your family deserve to feel safe from this person. Your parents are AFRAID of someone living in their own house??!? That is absolutely unacceptable! I would be very, very watchful for possible elder abuse in this situation-- it sounds like intimidation/ emotional abuse may already be occuring, as well as possible financial abuse if he "controls" your dad's business. DCFS should be able to get involved if an older person is being mistreated in any way. As far as you and your kids, I would strongly consider not allowing your kids to be in his presence at all unless he makes some major changes in his behavior. Even if he never lays a hand on them again children can be traumatized by watching someone scream and yell at their mom, throw objects, and generally terrorize everyone. If they are going to see him I would definately never ever allow them to be alone with him for even a second!

[lilyka]

There is no way my children would come within a country mile of him. he sounds scary.

[wednesday]

Nobody would ever get a second chance to strike my child. I hear you that he is hard to avoid and that stinks but maybe the rest of the family needs to decide who they want to have around more. There is just no way I would ever subject my child to someone like that, family or not (which is why I have almost no contact with my family).

[ebethmom]

Captain Optimism ~ very well said! I think that your advice would give Amber's brother a chance to rise above his past and grow as a person. Given his history, that might be unlikely. But at least he would be presented with that opportunity.

Since he is *so* smart, would he be inclined to read a Gentle Discipline book? Or some other book that might help him reconcile his upbringing?

I do agree with the other PP - you should keep your children away from your brother. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

[MelKnee]

Originally Posted by wednesday

Nobody would ever get a second chance to strike my child. I hear you that he is hard to avoid and that stinks but maybe the rest of the family needs to decide who they want to have around more. There is just no way I would ever subject my child to someone like that, family or not (which is why I have almost no contact with my family).

:
I would avoid family that I wanted to see if it meant seeing an abusive person. Someone has to stand up to him.

[captain optimism]

I usually don't think that writing letters makes sense, but in this case I would write it and spell it out, that you aren't going to bring the children near him until he commits to not hitting and that you will press charges against him if he ever raises a hand to one of them again.

If he's in criminal justice then he knows he doesn't have the right to do this.

I would put it all very kindly and politely but be very blunt about the legal repercussions.

[amanda2b2]

I lurk here a lot. Trying to learn some.
I can not beleive how many stories I hear about people hitting others kids on here. I try really hard to not to spank my kids but it is a hard habbit to break. I have slapped there hands once in a while trying to stop them from touching something or just to get their attention but I am trying to learn better and more creative ways of discplining them. well my point is, my family knows that I am not totally against spanking they would never ever spank, hit, or touch my child in anything but a loving way. Iwould be extremely upset if I found outthat they had. I would have reacted the smae way you did. I would tell him to keep his hands off my kids or I'll have him arrested.

[PikkuMyy]

I second CO's letter idea.

The fact that he got into a rage when you told him that he wasn't allowed to hit YOUR children - that's really scary. Imagine if his anger had come on BEFORE he hit your DD? I think it's very important that he know that if he won't respect the boundaries he has not being her parent, then he'll have to respect the boundaries of the law.