bribery?

[akmbloom]

I was reading Parents magazine (I think) and there were several mentions of using a toy or snack to get kids to do something. For instance, one mom said that to get her DD to sleep in the "big girl bed," a fairy would come and leave things under her pillow each day. Another advice blurb said that a mom should leave a snack or toy in her DD's shoes while she's napping to encourage her to nap (except they'd tell the kid it was the "nap bird"). And on and on. When I taught preschool I knew that this was a pretty routine method that parents used to get their kids to do whatever - from not hitting another kid to getting out of the car without a fuss in the morning. And of course when I go to the grocery store or Toys R Us or whatever, I see and hear many parents telling their kids they can have x toy or x cereal IF they're good while shopping.

Maybe since I'm a mom of a baby I don't understand yet how this works, but I think that giving your kids treats on the condition that they behave well is not quite right. Is it really so difficult to expect reasonable, age-appropriate good behavior, and explain your expectations, to your kids, and then help them follow through with that? Doesn't it encourage materialism and consumerism, and set kids up with the (sadly, false) idea that they will be rewarded materially for basic politeness, etc? When I was a preschool teacher I explained my expectations, and the day's schedule of activities, to my students and for the most part they did what was expected of them. And the kids who didn't were most often the ones whose parents most obviously "bribed" them - the saddest example being a diabetic 4-year-old who acted out a lot, whose mom would give him candy that he wasn't supposed to have IF he could manage to get through the day without incident.

Since it seems to be so prevalent, I wonder if I really am missing something. I'd be interested to know what you all think about this. Is it bribery or reward? Is it just one of those things that you're idealistic about before it happens to you? What would you give your kids treats for doing or not doing? What sorts of treats would you give? Also, do you invent "fairies" or "nap birds" who "magically" reward your kids, and if so, why (something about that seems weird to me, but maybe it's just because I was scared of the tooth fairy as a kid)?

[loraxc]

I am generally pretty anti-bribery, *especially* with food. In fact, I don't see my food-bribe stance changing. However, we have been giving DD a sticker after every diaper change for a month or so. I didn't like the idea, but we were desperate, as diaper changes had turned into screaming battles and had gotten unnervingly physical (as in, I had to pin her to the ground ). The sticker ritual gives her something to look forward to and focus on during the change. I hesitate to even call it a "bribe," as there is no contingency. She always gets one--they're not for "if you're good."

I suppose it doesn't seem so bad to me because I feel the diaper changes really are hard for DD. This is just a tough thing for her. She hates being "messed with" and is big on personal space.

I know people who have used M and Ms for potty training. Again, I don't think I'd use food, but I could possibly see myself using rewards with something like the potty. Not for "good behavior." Never for good grades. But something new they're trying to do because you want them to. Does that make sense? It's sort of the same situations I would use "good job" in--when I am asking my child to do something for largely adult motivations that might seem opaque. For instance, I now use "good job" when DD leaves her sticks outside, as we have asked her to, and sits down to let me take off her muddy shoes before we go in.

[loraxc]

Rereading your OP, I *might* do something like this in the "big girl bed" example, but only if the big girl bed had been MY idea for MY convenience. KWIM? I don't know if I'm making sense here.

[Mearaina]

It is much easier to say "I am not going to bribe my child" until they get to what I call the "tantrum phase". This phase is different for every child. It totally changed my perspective on parenting when first my niece, then my eldest daughter reached this phase. We use bribery on rare, select occasions. We do not use a nap fairy or anything like that. Our daughters are expected to obey about every day things like naps and politeness without "special" rewards. We do, however, offer our daughters a toy or treat on an occasion where they have to work hard to behave. These events are random and we don't plan ahead for them. If the girls are tired or hungry and manage to keep it together, we offer a bribe. If the good behavior is sustained, they get their reward. If the good behavior isn't sustained, they don't get their reward. One instance where we use bribes is at the dinner table. Sometimes our eldest refuses to eat anything. We'll say something like, eat half of your food if you want desert, but if you aren't hungry you don't need to eat, you just won't get desert. Sometimes she isn't hungry and doesn't eat, but most times she eats all of her food and asks for seconds. I think she is just trying to see if we'll cave and give her desert before her meal.

Anyway, that is a rather lengthy response to your inquiry, hope it helped.

[traceface]

I don't think using bribery is a good idea. You're not really getting their co-operation from the inside or working on problem-solving. Rather you're just buying a quick end to that particular dispute (I can see why it'd be tempting to do that in a truly 'emergency' situation - you're late or really can't have a huge scene at that moment for whatever reason. But to me it kind of skirts the issue and is disrespecful. if there's resistance to something, like sleeping in a separate bed, the actual feelings behind the resistance maybe need to be addressed. Rather than just creating a big fun distraction w/ the nap fairy.

But for some reason I think it's ok, in a minor way, for potty learning. not sure why there's a distinction there, but I feel it that way.

[Mama Coltrane]

It seems OK to me in moderation. I definitely have done it subconsciously and without planning, but not very often. Sometimes as an adult I get motivated to work, let's say, because I am going to get paid. I , of course, can do things without a material award at the end, but it helps sometimes to know the check, dessert, etc. is coming soon.

[boongirl]

Originally Posted by Mama Coltrane

It seems OK to me in moderation.

I agree. All things in moderation, as long as they are not harming anyone.

[maya44]

I do NOT bribe, which is offering something in exchange for something else.

I do do nice things for them when they have had to do something tough. Like spending the whole day car shopping (bor--ing!) But this is not a bribe. It was not offered as in "if you are good, i will...." It is instead just something I will do to acknowledge that what came before was not fun.

I did not have to do it, but the only place where some "bribe" is OK I think is in the area of toilet learning. Even the "Punished by Rewards" guy thinks its ok there.