confused about ttc #3

[Mary-Beth]

Anyone have 3 kids? Do you like your family size? Any middle child syndrom?Anyone else trying to decide if they want to ttc another baby?

I have two dd, 3 and 20mos. I'm looking ahead to figure out what I want to try for....I really want another baby & I've really enjoyed the close ages...but another part of me wonders if the finanical demands, and just day-to-day demands would be too much on me. I feel like life is really easy right now. I get 1:1 time with each child often as their naps are staggered a bit. I get small chunks of free time when they nap together. I'm sure I would adjust....right? I wonder if this is just a never-ending feeling of wanting a new baby that I'll face again even if I have another child.

How do I decide?
I want to still be able to travel as a family. That's important to us. We go by car & plane different places. We've been doing okay with the 2 kids, would 3 tax us too much? I don't want to be too busy to really be there for each of my kids...but I'd love another baby...yikes...

Any thoughts?

[BathrobeGoddess]

I was coming here to post the very same thing! My two are really far apart, 9 years and for me, seeing my dd struggle with having no playmates at home (we don't have any neighbors with kids) and seeing other families with children close in age adds to my confusion. Plus this...

but another part of me wonders if the finanical demands, and just day-to-day demands

are issues for me too. Also, I have a staggering amount of student loans that I don't want my dh to be solie responsible for. So if I have another dc, I will have to be home for another three years after that dc is born...can we afford that?

[Mary-Beth]

I wish I could tell you exactly what to do and assure you it would all work out just beautifully! That's what I would like right now!!!

I just have so many factors to consider that I can't seem to even decide what I want!

If you have questions about closely aged siblings I can share my experience! I thought the first few months were a challenge but after that things really have settled into place. It's great that they can do a lot of the same activities. We go to story time and an informal art class. They both get so much out of those activities. They both need naps for example so it isn't like we go home just so the "baby" can nap. Their interests and needs correspond virtually always.
I see more people struggle when their kids who are 3.5-4.5 years apart than when they are 1.5-2.5 or so years apart...so that's on my mind. But I know that lots of people swear by the 3-4-5 year spacing. It must work for a lot of people.

If I ttc in August (and if we conceived) I figure I'd have a May baby & the spacing would be 4 years from dd1 and 2.5 from dd2. It sounds good but all the doubt comes in about having 3 at home at once. Then I get thinking I should hold off until my oldest is in school....but I don't even know our plans with that!!! Homeschool? Private? Public? So of course, that raises new questions...could we afford 3 in private? could I homeschool with a "preschooler" and newborn? Would the larger age difference be easier or harder for me?

Sorry for rambling. It really does help, so thanks for listening!
Feel free to share your thoughts too!

[EllieB]

I have 3- ages 4, 2, and 4 months. It is hard yes but I am out of that "newborn fog" now so things are starting to feel a bit easier. I do have much less time to myself but I think that's more to do with having such a young baby around than with having 3. I have the older 2 do a "quiet time" for an hour upstairs in their room every day. The baby will usually nap for half of that so that's my "alone time". Not much but enough for now. Three seems like a great size to me, not too big, not too small.

We also like to travel, usually by plane at least once a year and road trips. We are continuing that with this one, but we are planning on sticking a little closer to home for a couple years. We figured if we could do with 2 a 3rd would not add that much more expense, another plane ticket is only a couple hundered bucks and compared to the total cost of a vacation that's not much more to come up with. If it's important to you to travel, like it is to us, you'll find a way to do it.

I will admit I miss the ease of 1 on 1 time with only 2 kids. We make sure they each get 15 minutes with both dh and I alone before bed and when they get older we are planning on doing "date nights" where we will rotate just taking one child out at a time. For now just the little moments when two of them are occupied and I can focus however briefly on the 3rd seem to be working fine.

[Mary-Beth]

EllieB- Thanks for responding and sharing what it's like for you.
You make a good point about traveling. My dh is a triathlete and we travel to a few local races and one or two long distance races every year. This week we're heading up to NY for an Ironman Triathlon. Let's see how eager I feel to ttc after this car trip and 10+ hours outside cheering him on! :LOL
What kind of car do you drive, if you don't mind me asking. I can fit three car seats in the back of one of our cars but not the other. We might need to get something bigger...or maybe not.
And one more question- how has the new baby effected the relationship between your older two? Have you noticed any changes?
Thanks!

[EllieB]

We started out with a Ford Taurus wagon. The carseats technically fit, but not very well, I felt like they were too close to the doors (we have Britaxes and they are big). So we got a minivan. It was well worth it to us. None of our kids have liked the car until about a year old so I like being able to sit in back with the baby and keep him company when we all go somewhere.

As far as the baby changing the relationship between the older 2- it's hard to say...they do play together quite a bit more but that may also be because my ds is getting older and more interesting to dd. It feels easier this time around because there are 2 of them and when I am doing things with the baby I don't feel so much like I am neglecting them. They are usually off doing something together.

They do fight over him though. I put him in the bouncy seat when they want to play with him since it feels a bit safer than letting them play with him on the floor. They argue over who gets to sit directly in front of him, who gets to hand him what toy, and who he is looking at! They both absolutely love him though...but my older ds does tend to get a bit rough with him, I think b/c he tries to play with him in the same way he does with his sister.

[Mary-Beth]

I can just imagine your kids fighting to be the one to help/play with the baby! It's sounds so cute. I can picture my two girls doing that too!

The minivan sounds nice...we have britax car seats too so I know how big they are. I know we wouldn't have to upgrade to a larger vehicle immediately becasue the infant seat is smaller...but eventually we'd probably want to.

My friend comes from a family of 3 children and she mentioned to me that she was never very close to her "middle" sister becasue that sister tended to pick on the "baby" sister and she always felt like she had to defend the baby. However, now the 3 of them are very close. My daughters are off to a good start of playing well and mutually affectionate...I don't want to spoil that. But I really think it's just my "worry" talking....they are bound to go through different stages at different ages in terms of getting along.

Well thanks for sharing your experiences with me!

[time4another]

Well here are (our) my thoughts.

We will be TTC a third DC this fall. I just don't feel like my family is complete. As far as travelling goes, last time we were in Disney (December) I just had this sort of sad/empty feeling watching my 2 there, it felt deeply like "someone" was missing. It was very strange because I (we) swore we were done after DD2 was born. In a way I (we) don't want to have another because frankly its just so darn easy with 2! Also the world seems to be built for families of 4, 4 in a hotel room, 4 fit great in a sedan etc... OTOH we both feel this draw to have another baby. Right around the same time as our vacation last year out of the blue DH and I had separate dreams about a baby boy-neither one of us knew the other one had dreamt about it until a few weeks later when I told him about it and he told me about it too. We also feel like 3 DC is a good size. DH (a middle child btw) loves the size, he thinks that with that many there is always someone to go to when one has an issue with another one. I am a first, and I felt like my ys had middle issues but my family is up so my view is altered. I think DD2 needs another person to go to when DD1 is being obnoxious to her : . My 2 fight often now, so I can imagine how bad it could get. They are 8 days shy of exactly 3 years apart. I don't want to wait longer for another DH & I aren't getting any younger either. DD1 is starting kindergarten now and she'll be off all day and I'll have all day with DD2 and someone else when they decide to bless us with thier presence.

As far as travelling goes ITA with what EllieB says...what's an extra couple hundred for another plane ticket on top everything else. My 2 are also great on car trips and the next has to be, because that's just the way it is here. We probably will need to get a van but we won't for a while anyway...

You aren't alone!
Heather

[Undercover Hippie]

I am so glad to read everyone's thoughts, we are in this debate too!

I love the way our 2 kids get along, and like a PP said it feels like the world is made for families of 4... but DH and I also are not sure we feel done. I go back and forth. I am the oldest of 3 girls and we had a lot of "two against one" that never got resolved even now... but there were other issues at work too so I tell myself I can't decide based on that experience alone. However, I do wonder if we go for three, maybe we shouldn't just plan on a fourth too. :LOL

Anyway, I told DH that I wanted to decide for sure between DD's 2nd and 3rd birthday because that is the earliest and latest I would ideally want to get PG with #3. She and DS are 2 years and 10 months apart and it works great for us, but now that he just turned 4 I can see that her being closer to 4 before #3 arrived would be okay too... it is so hard to decide b/c you don't know what the personality of the new babe will be, there is no way to predict how they will all interact, etc. I feel like it was always a given that we would have 2 kids, there was no debate, it is practically expected... but 3 seems like a much bigger step.

[Mary-Beth]

Hi Everyone-
I just got back from our very long car trip-- from NC to NY then to MA and back to NC! We had a great time. The whole experience didn't really give me any clarity on this issue though....there were moments when I thought, "Yeah...I definately want another child" (the kids slept together so sweetly! The played with their two cousins- the 4 of them had great fun!) and moments I thought, "How would I ever manage with another!" (stopping for dinner on the road with both kids crying to be held by me! Oh & public bathrooms- ,"please don't lay on this floor...no, don't touch the toilet...now we need to wash your hands again!)
Yes, 3 does feel like a much bigger step for me too! I just wish I knew the spacing that will work best for our family.
I like the sounds of the scenerio you mentioned Heather- having the third when the oldest starts school so you have most the day with the dc2 and dc3. Then when dc1 gets home hopefully your other two will have had their fill of your attention and activity so you may be more available to dc1. If you know what I mean. That's tempting. I might just decide to "wait" so we have a similiar arrangement. But I'm still seriously considering homeschooling....so that of course changes things. Then it might work better to have a child a little earlier so we're post the newborn stages when I'm starting my first year homeschooling. So I'm still confused!!!

[KariM]

I am the middle child in a family of three children and I never felt different, really. My mother spaced all of us three years apart and I'm extremely close to my younger sister and have been since we were kids. I'm not as close to my older brother but I think gender and personality differences are the cause there rather than our ages.

I'm also TTC #3. Now I have a thirteen year space between DS and DD and my desire for a bigger family (I always wanted lots of kids) and wanting a sibling closer in age for my DD are driving our current attempts to conceive.

Because my DS will be 14 soon I really feel more like I have one child and am planning #2 since my son is becoming so independent. He still needs his mama, of course, but in very different ways than a young child does.

We briefly considered the financial concerns since DS will be off to college in 4 short years, but realized that we prefer a more frugal lifestyle and the joy of children in our lives.

Traveling isn't so much of a concern for us since family vacations are very low-cost due to financial constraints already. We often camp or visit with relatives. Disney and airplane trips just aren't a part of our lifestyle already.

--Kari