Names your little ones call you

[lunadoula]

I love starting these threads! I have so many questions so it's like, bam! many different answers to my questions. :LOL

I've read some of the different GLBT parenting/conceiving books, and one - "The Queer Parent's Primer" brings up what I find to be an interesting discussion about choosing names. The author points out that often, the birth mother in a lesbian couple relationship takes the "Mommy" "Momma" etc. type name and the non-birth mom takes another name like "Ima" or another word. Her argument against doing this is that it displaces the non-bio mom b/c if you ask a young child "where's your mommy?" and they are with the mom who doesn't have that title it can be confusing. But her main argument I would say is that b/c it is so often the non-bio mom who does not get to be called the "Mom"-type title, it can reinforce to outsiders that she is "not as much as a mom."

I don't know if I 100% agree with her, but I thought it could make for an interesting discussion! Plus, I'd love to hear how people decided upon names.

[Kincaid]

I carried our baby but my partner "took" Mommy, no ifs ands or buts. She wanted it and wasn't going to budge. I thought that was fine for the reasons you mention. Momma is what we call me.

On the other hand, I wish one of us would write a better gay parenting guide. All the ones I have read have seemed very dry and out of date. They definately don't sound like "us". I don't think the topics would be all that different. I just would like to see a lesbian parenting book that did not sound like a women's studies manual or self-help book Something a lot more hip that realizes we are a lot different than lesbian moms 20 years ago. Anyone else KIWM?

[mplsmom]

Mama and Baba

That is what we are. I carried DD, and wanted to be mama. DP wanted to be the first word that our child said, so that in the future she could say, You said my name first...
DD was on the bed playing with us one day, and she pointed at me and Said Mama, the she pointed at DP and said Baba. Then she did it again , just in case we did not get it the first time!!
Grandparents are Grandma and grandpa (my parents) and Grandma Baba( DP's mom).
We did have a slight problem last year when DD broke her arm, and the nurse asked her to sit in her mom's lap - she replied 'mama is not here, this is my Baba"!!!


Kirsten

[mamimapster]

Originally Posted by mplsmom

We did have a slight problem last year when DD broke her arm, and the nurse asked her to sit in her mom's lap - she replied 'mama is not here, this is my Baba"!!!


Kirsten

This is why despite my love for the word Ima ( which is Mama in Hebrew BTW) We went with Mami and Mama. I didn't want my DD every to be in a situation where she was calling for a parent and the person on the other end of her need/desire was not being recodgnized as a parent by an outside "authority". That being said, In a way i do wish we could standardize what we are called as parents, or conversly that the universe could catch up to our collective family structures a bit. My DD gets really confused when she sees what she is certain is two Mamas and they don't answer to the right pronouns in her mind!

[max_4477]

I had my dc as a single mama, so my partner came into it as sort of a step-parent (but early enough that dc doesn't remember life without her). I wanted mama, no one was there to argue. Dp goes by her first name. I works for us, and is pretty common in step-parent setups (although my bro also called our mom by her first name and our dad by daddy, b/c our dad would call mom by her first name around us but our mom would say "daddy")

Anyway, dc doesn't seem to get confused. He'll say "I have 2 mommies/mums" but he'll also say "Dp is sort-of a mama" and that pretty much sums up our family. He gets that the other kids in his daycare have different familes (I think they are all mum-dad families, maybe one single mum?) and daddies, etc. but as long as grown-ups don't get weird about it he isn't troubled.

ETA - now he's started calling *both* of us by our first names! But we're also me=mama, dp=mum when we're being formal.

[megincl]

First off, I totally agree, Kincaid, that we need a new lesbian parenting book. I think those out there are definitely a generation behind the times.

In our family, I'm Mommy, and DW is Mamma. She carried DS. She's Mamma because she's part Swedish and that's the word for mom in swedish. As I think I wrote on another thread, I'm glad I "ended up" with Mommy, because I like it better.

I definitely like the fact that both of us have "socially sanctioned" mother names that we are called by DS. I think it just makes things a bit easier. And for a 2yo who can't explain everything, I think it makes it easier on him as well. Of course, I do wish things didn't have to be this name and a whole constellation of names for parents worked, no matter whether two moms, two dads, a mom and a dad, one parent, etc.

DS seems right now to be really into identifying both me and DW to other children he's with. When he meets a new kid and they get chatting, he usually quickly ends up pointing at us and saying, "That's Mommymamma." It's all one word. I think it's really cute and I think he really is trying to explain that there are two of us moms. I'm sure the other kids often think it's funny, thinking he uses two different names for his mom. Or, they get it and don't think twice.

DS is also really good at correcting folks who call us the incorrect name, which I definitely appreciate. Such a good advocate for his moms!

take care,
megin

[Diane B]

We are both Mama. When we need to differentiate, it's "Mama Diane" or "Mama Naomi." We both wanted to be called "Mom" for the reasons other posters have mentioned. I have friends who went this route with great success - their daughter uses their given name when she needs to be specific, and otherwise "Mom" "Mommy" or "Mama" for whomever is closest at hand. Our daughter recognizes our names (i.e. if we say "give this to Mama Naomi" she goes to the right person) and she's just started saying "Ma-ma" reliably for each of us. We have a feeling she will come up with her own pronunciations to go with it - Naomi works with kids, and they usually have a hard time with her name, so she might end up as "Mama Wyomie" or something!

[lexbeach]

I am the bio mom and I go by "mom." Dw is "Mama." I really wanted her to be mama so that she'd be "the mama," and also because I just liked referring to her as "mama." For a long time our boys called her Mama, and they didn't really call me anything. They didn't have a reason to call me anything because I was always right there! I sort-of felt like my name was the sign for nursing :LOL . But dw always referred to me as Mom when she could, and the boys were using it by the time they were about 16 months old. They would also call me Mama occassionally, but we always knew who they were talking about. Then dw went away for a month, and the boys called me mama the whole time. . . but when she came back, it didn't take long for us to get our right names back. They went through a phase of calling us both "mommy" from time to time, which neither of us liked because it always sounded so whiney ("ma-meeee!"), but I think they've been pretty rigidly calling us "mom" and "mama" since they turned two. They will quickly correct anyone who uses the wrong name for one of us. They also know our first names and sometimes use them if we're not responding quick enough ("mom? . . . mom? . . . MOM?! . . . LEX!!!). I must admit, it always gets my attention right away to hear them call me that! They also get confused when people say, "oh, you have two moms?" And they'll say, "no. I have a mom and a mama." We assume that when they get older we'll probably both be "mom," but we shall see. Dw calls her mother "ma," so she thinks maybe "mama" will shorten to that when/if the boys feel like "mama" is too babyish. Dw's parents are "grammy" and "grampy," and mine are "Nama" and "Pa."

The whole name part of lesbian families is really interesting. It does seem like it would be easier in gay dad families. . . you could have a dad/daddy and a papa.

Fun Thread!

Lex

[witt]

yep muma's here too

we are both mama. No questions there, for the same reasons others have mentioned. Also we believed that mama is a role not a genetic thing. If they want to distinguish (only when we are both there) I am oh oh mama (cos ds used to call breastfeeding oh ohs) otherwise we are both mama. Sometimes they yell mama and we both come. Lucky boys!!

[lunadoula]

Originally Posted by witt

If they want to distinguish (only when we are both there) I am oh oh mama (cos ds used to call breastfeeding oh ohs) otherwise we are both mama.

That is so incredibly sweet!

[lunadoula]

Originally Posted by Kincaid

On the other hand, I wish one of us would write a better gay parenting guide. All the ones I have read have seemed very dry and out of date. They definately don't sound like "us". I don't think the topics would be all that different. I just would like to see a lesbian parenting book that did not sound like a women's studies manual or self-help book Something a lot more hip that realizes we are a lot different than lesbian moms 20 years ago. Anyone else KIWM?

I know what you mean. I think the info in the Brill book is great, and dw and I are pretty "touchy feely" people, but a lot of the self-help exercises in that book just crack me up! :LOL On the other hand, some of the emotional issues mentioned we had not been able to really put our finger on until we read the book. Hmm. Maybe they'll do a revision in a few years, that would be great.

[moonmama22]

I pretty much agree with what seems to be the majority opinion here. We definately both wanted "normal" mother titles. I am Mama, and dp is Mommy, which, even though ds is only 13 months, he seems to understand. Even though I am the bio mom, we have been together for 10 years, and were certainly in this together, so felt it was only right for both of us to be a "mom name." Although I don't expect him to be calling "Mommy," or "Mama," when he is a teenager, we'll figure that out later...
As far as good gay parenting books, I tried to find one when we were ttc, but couldn't find any I liked either, and actually said to dp, "we should write a book based on our experience." Although we feel like we are a "normal" family, obviously there are certain aspects that are quite different from most families, and we're pretty much just taking things as they come...

[HippoMommy]

I, the birth mom, am called Mommy by DD.
DP is called Momma by DD and DSS.
DSS calls his birth mom Mommy, and he calls me Eennie (a mispronunciation of my first name, which was how he first said it as a baby).

[MichelleW]

so no one so far identifies as 'dad' or 'daddy'? my partner and i will be ttc in a couple of months (i will be the birth parent), and she told me early on that she wanted to be 'daddy'. we got a new kitten a couple of weeks ago, and we refer to ourselves as 'mommy' and 'daddy' to the kitten.
just wondering if anyone else goes by 'daddy'? i realize that that is not a typical term to use in a lesbian relationship.

[HippoMommy]

Well, just between the two of us (DP and me), I do call DP my babydaddy. I also call her my handsome husband. :LOL But that's really a private/couple thing, not something other folks usually know.

DD did once say that her Momma was her Daddy, but that was about a year ago (she was around 2 1/2 and becoming aware of gender and family configurations. . . . ).

[Faerieshadow]

Well we go by Mommy (mom, mama) for me and Mim for DP. We talked about it a lot while ttc and pg, and she decided that she wanted a name that differentiated her in our family makeup. She felt, and I agreed, that by choosing the "name" in our family dynamic for her, that we were defining ourselves rather than let others define our family. And we've watched as others in our lives have conformed to this. In the first few months of ds's life, we got a lot of confusion when it came to the name thing. People referred to her as daddy, or as mommy, or not by anything at all. We would politely correct them each time they made the mistake. To her, being Mim is a special thing. She has a bond with him that is indescribable, and totally different from the bond I have with him. It suits us very well to have different names to head up our different bonding and interaction with ds.

I think that kids are smart enough and innocent enough to not only get across who they want/need, but also do it in such a nonchalant manner as to potentially embarrass someone who isn't (or doesn't want to) getting it. If the situation arose where ds would need help describing who he needed, I should hope that one of us would be there to help explain the situation, if an explanation were even necessary.

ETA: As far as the Daddy thing.. I actually asked DP about that - not because I necessarily wanted her to go by that name, but because I was interested in her thoughts. She felt that it was a distinctly male reference. I know someone who uses Maddy, though... the one who was the birth mom actually.

[stanya]

hey michelle and hippomommy!
so nice to find some other queer moms who refer to their DP as "daddy" and husband!! we have felt alone as butch/femme parents amidst so much discussion of TWO MOMS.
I am the bio mom and I am definately Mama and there was never any question that DP identifies more as a dad figure for all of us. We felt confused about referring to her as "dad" public, wondering if that will be confusing for DS when he's older and the straight world challenges it (same reason it's hard to refer to DP as my husband in public even though that's how we identify. we end up having to keep it private because the world is still so slow with understanding gender fluidity. anyway.) SO we ended referring to DP as "Poppy." DS is still a little young (almost 11 months) for calling us name syet. He does say Mama but hasn't called her Poppy yet. He might come up with his own word for her, and that will be ok too.
funny, if he called her his first word it would have been "woof." he seems to be learning how to talk from our dogs.
Stanya

[frog]

I think we're going with mama for me and ea-mama (ay-uh) for turtle--it's based on a nickname of hers.

I'd be interested in hearing more of these stories from all y'all, since it's been several months since it was discussed last. Have there been changes for any of you? What about the new parents?

WRT mama/baba, my Small Friend O used to call her parents that, and when she shifted to Mom she also shifted to Bob.

[cyndimo]

I'm Mommy, DP is Mama. We're both Mom and Mother.
We wanted it this way so that when DS is in school and there's an emergency, either of us could show up and say "I'm DS's mother" or sign school forms and what-not. (Likewise, he's got a hyphenated last name.) We also both wanted mom-names recognized outside the family, as others have said.
When he's "too old" form mommy and mama, we'll figure out what to do for differentiation... I figure it'll be "Mom! Not you... the other one!"
At just over 9 mo, he's just getting the M sound, but has been starting to call DP mama, and me mommmmm.

[seraf]

We are another Mama and Baba. Ds is 3 and it's often Ma and Ba. I am Baba, the kids also have DPs last name (couldn't hyphenate, we rhyme). But legally they are mine, biologically they are mine, they have my blue eyes and my pale pink cheeks. The kids know who we are to them, but dp gets the social recognition of Mom, which works out really well for our family.

Seraf