How would you handle this? - Page 2

[LaughingHyena]

I'm a definate horder of things that "might comein usefull". I also find it hard to get rid of things which still have life left but which I don't like/want. DH is similar though not to quite the same extent. We've developed several stratergies

Try to find a good home for it, mostly by taking to charity shops but I've just joined my local freecycle group too, I'm hoping this will work better as I awlays end up wiht bags for the charity shops sitting round for ages.

Scan it/take photos of it. This is what we do with papers, schoolwork etc. We both have our screensavers set up to display our digital photos so we get to see them occasionaly. This worked really well when DHs grandma died, she had lots of things in her house with sentimental value but whihc nobody actually wanted, we took a digital camera and took lots of photos of her house for people to remember them by. It also gave his Dad something to do rather than wander aimlessly round the house.

We each have 1 box of oddments, it gives me somewhere to put all the little bits and bobs that I think DHs wants but I don't know what to do with.

We try and keep limits on the space thinsg take up, for example I try to keep only 1 shelf of empty jars for reuse, 1 box of coloured paper for crafts etc.

It's not perfect but it is helping

[Carsonsmama]

I can completely understand your agony...I would be a bit crazy if I had to live in that situation.
My DH has also been taught to keep everything as everything has a memory. He has TRIED to instill this in my mind and give me grief about stuff I throw away without thinking twice about...however since we live in a small house with only enough room for us...and now a baby on the way I have had to make his space smaller and smaller...thus he has to reduce the stuff he can keep. Easier for my DH because nobody's memory are held to these keepsakes....unless you count ex-girlfriends!
However what I explained to my husband is that you can't enjoy your memories when they are chucked in a bunch of boxes and stuffed in your closet. That you forget you even have this or that till you move and the stuff that REALLY means something to you gets lost amongst the junk....
So what I did is got him a tote...a fair size rubber tote and we went through all his boxes, garbage bags and totes and he picked out the things that had memories and meant something to him. I also bought him a photo album to put cards and pictures in so that they would be more convienient to look through and remember.
He got pretty embarrassed when he opened the boxes with me sitting there because some of the stuff he found!! Like baby toys he has NO idea where he got them from, a letter from some girl that moved away when he was in the 7th grade and it was more a letter to his friend then to him...but she only had his address....some pretty strange stuff anyway!

I didn't really help him sort the stuff but I sat there and showed interest in all this junk he had kept for some reason....and uniform after uniform from all the sports teams he has ever played on...he appreciated though and really stayed motivated. He was able to get two boxes and tw garbage bags to fit in the one tote I bought him...and he STILL kept allot of junk...stuff he just wasn't ready to throw away yet...and that is fine...next time we go through them a little more will go out and so on.
When he couldn't decide if it should be thrown out or not I would say "Well did you even know you had kept it?", "What are you going to use it for?", and "When is the last time you needed it or wanted to look at it to remember?"......

But I know I have his mother to thank for this who saves all the wrapping paper off every gift she recieves....and not to re-use it!!

[srain]

Originally Posted by Basylica

And Srain :
At this level of horde, it's not disrespectful of my DH's feelings to toss. Most of the stuff I choose to keep (and if in doubt, I keep it!) he didn't even know he HAD.......
Needless to say my little packrat isn't happy about it.

If he does not agree, then it is disrespectful. I have no doubt that you can come up with a win-win solution here, and you've gotten some excellent advice from other folks who did so. I understand being fed up with the situation; I'd be really angry too. But I still don't think that gives either partner in a marriage the right to have the final say in decisions that affect both people.

[troymama]

I'm sure you guys have heard of Flylady. Anyway, a couple of months ago she sent out an essay that her husband wrote about Men's Stuff. I liked the essay. It doesn't really have a solution, but it was good to hear from a man's perspective. Its kind of long, but here it is:

Men's Stuff

When you're about to take a trip, you make preparations. You gas up the car, you pack your bag, maybe you check the map. Anyway, you do all this before you leave the driveway. Guys' possible future lives are like that; we acquire things that are either currently useful, or things that will surely be useful later, when we fulfill one or another of those life missions our parents unknowingly gave us. Up to now, the analogy to getting ready for a trip works fairly well, but right here it breaks down. If the trip gets cancelled, you don't leave the bag packed. When the kid (who, let's say, played football in high school) finds himself a finish carpenter, or pediatrician, or whatever, he will probably not throw away that high school letter jacket. He's not going to wear it, but he is going to keep it, at least for a while. And while he keeps it, to you it looks like clutter.

To him, it isn't clutter. It is the smudgy ink stamp on the wrist that says he can get back into the nightclub of youth. To understand this, you need to understand the difference between how you stay young, and how he does. Men, for the most part, don't use makeup. We may use hair dye, but we don't use it well. We may work out in the gym, but we don't use body shapers or girdles. In other words, our attempts at eternal youth are less successful than yours are. And yet, our culture sets a considerable premium on youth, or at least the illusion of youth. Let's just say it: you fool yourselves your way, we fool ourselves our way, and our way involves psychological props. As long as we don't discard that old camping equipment, we are still campers, still Boy Scouts, sort of. If we keep the letter jacket, we preserve the moment of triumph as if it were only yesterday. If we don't have that old GTO hauled off, we tell ourselves that we might still, someday, rebuild the motor and have a muscle car again. As long as we keep the stuff, we can still cling to the illusions.

I am a mediocre bridge player but a decent chess player. I can regap the tappets on an MG, but there are third graders who can draw better than I can. When people talk about me, they sometimes say that I'm a judge and that's fine, that's how the language works, but it isn't really true. I make my living as a judge, but that's just what I do, it isn't what I am. I don't know what I am; I like to think I'm a work in progress. But whatever it is that I presently am, I don't think it can be summed up in one word. I don't think your guy can be, either. I'm not a judge, she's not a blond, he isn't an activist, and you're not a ditz. But having said that, I think it is possible to say what someone is not. Your guy's life still has many roads it can take, but
some of the original possibilities are now firmly in the past. He could still write a play, or learn Spanish, but at some point, it has become a fact that he isn't going to be a professional athlete, or a rock star. And yet he may still have musty old letter jacket, or a dust-covered set of drums, or a box of obsolete radio parts, or a wooden tennis racket. They have in fact become clutter, from the moment that he came to a fork in the road and took the path that led some other way. You see it. He doesn't, at least not yet. Men do not
easily come to terms with what they are not, because the illusion that all of the possibilities are still intact is a comforting one. As long as all things are possible, we are still twenty. To look at our life and say that this or that thing is simply not going to happen, is to acknowledge that we aren't twenty any more.

I don't know that there is anything you can do about any of this; maybe just knowing is enough. But remember, you hooked up with your guy, and women aren't attracted by stupidity. He isn't a dimwit, but he is willing to fool himself if you let him. The wrong way to not-let him is to say, "Why are you keeping that old stuff? You're never going to do anything with that!" That is wrong, not because it is incorrect, but because it won't work. Just a thought: if you get rid of the prom dress, the letter jacket will probably disappear. Your home may not have either of those things, but you know what I mean.

[chisaomom]

Troymama, Interesting essay. I think most people (both men and women) like to have their options open, because possibilities represent hope and dreams that we just don't want to kill off.

For years I kept a pair of size 1 jeans that I'd worn in my early 20s. Will I ever fit into them again? Not likely, unless I run out of things to eat. So, after nearly 20 years of wishful thinking, I bid them a fond farewell. Now, that's probably not the type of example my DH wants to see, LOL, but for me, it was a moment full of meaning, not the least of which was self-acceptance for where I am NOW.

At some point people need to be practical and take some responsibility for their living conditions. In the case of my home, a line has been crossed and something absolutely positively must be done. Believe me, if it were just a high school letter jacket we were talking about here, I'd gladly frame it and hang it above the fireplace. LOL

[chisaomom]

"But I know I have his mother to thank for this who saves all the wrapping paper off every gift she recieves....and not to re-use it!! "

Carsonsmama, This is exactly why I view decluttering as so important...I don't want my DD (who's nearly 2) to grow up thinking it's okay.

srain, it's also disrespectful to force your family into pretzelian maneuverings in order to live in an ordered, clean and safe home. No one should have to do that -- it should be a given. Our garage is a fire hazard. It's a health hazard (I found chemicals that have been sitting so long that their containers have rusted, spilling the contents, which have long ago mixed and dried. And that's just the first couple of feet along one edge! Who knows what's in there. Vermin may be the least of our problems.). And just as worrisome for me, it's setting a terrible example for our young daughter. When things get this out of hand, it's a crisis situation. My DH should thank his lucky stars (and me profusely) that I don't hire a skip and a team of burley guys with shovels to get rid of the mess. I hope that doesn't come off as being rude, truly it is not my intention, because there's a lot of truth to what you're saying and I agree with you in theory, but our situation is past the point of doing things how they "should" be done.

[Linda in OZ]

Nak,

It could be that ha has looked at the huge mountain of stuff that needs to be moved and is feeling fairly overwhelmed by it. Maybe if you sort it into piles and one sunny afternoon set him up under a shady tree and bring him one pile at a time, knowing that you are prepared to help will make it easier for him. DH is chronic I have started cleaning out our shed and there are computer monitors that haven't worked in at least 6 years in there, but I have been putting a pile in front of the shed that I think needs to go to the tip. He will sort it as he loads it onto the ute. Stuff I know should be kept gets sorted and packed into boxes and labelled. Then I will have a pile for clothes, office stuff, electrical, etc and just hang out with him as he goes through it.

[Wolfmeis]

:

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by Basylica

1. was going through and sorting all his boxs O crap. Seriously, we had probably 15 large boxes (the entire walkin closet was filled to bursting!) and I got it down to less than 3, and 99% of what I threw out was GARBAGE. Old reciepts for video games in 95....stubby broken pencils, tiny doodles on scraps of paper, REAMS of wrinkled/damaged/folded paper...ect.

OMG this is exactly what I'm dealing with!

Mary Beth of Paul (9), Harry (7) and Timmy (4)

[srain]

Originally Posted by chisaomom

srain, it's also disrespectful to force your family into pretzelian maneuverings in order to live in an ordered, clean and safe home. ...It's a health hazard .... And just as worrisome for me, it's setting a terrible example for our young daughter. .... I hope that doesn't come off as being rude, truly it is not my intention....

Not rude at all! I agree that the situation needs to change, and soon, but I disagree with throwing away anyone's possessions against their will. I really think you can come to some kind of agreement/ plan with your husband (assuming he's generally a reasonable human being) that he can live with. And I think that it would set a far better example for your daughter to show her that marriages include disagreements and problem-solving, rather than disagreements and unilateral decision-making. (I'd rather have my kids be packrats than control freaks- not meaning to imply you're being a control freak in any way, just saying that this "terrible example" he's setting really isn't all that awful.)

But anyway, my arguments are more relevant to a different forum than this one! Truthfully, in your place and unable to come up with a solution for BOTH of us, I'd forget I had a garage- a lot of folks live without them, and while it's a shame that you have to do without the luxury of having one, it wouldn't be worth disrespecting my husband to get mine back.

Good luck!

[dinade]

What about ...

taking pictures of items he can't toss and then he can still look back at them and maybe toss them too?? Just an idea. No excuses he can still claim it as a memory if he can see it right? :LOL

[Midwesternmomma]

I'm sorry, but I am one of those people that can' stand clutter (unless its my own.. LOL) and dh never misses anything I threw out. If, very rarely, he does say, hey, hon, where are my XYZ and I say, beat's me.... dunno.... he'll come back with something like, yeah, right, I bet you threw it away. (Which is probably true) He knows he hordes, and he knows it bugs me, so I do what I have to do. I am here all day and he's not, I can't live that like.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by srain

But anyway, my arguments are more relevant to a different forum than this one! Truthfully, in your place and unable to come up with a solution for BOTH of us, I'd forget I had a garage- a lot of folks live without them, and while it's a shame that you have to do without the luxury of having one, it wouldn't be worth disrespecting my husband to get mine back.

no no! I'm listening. I'm with you. I think a solution that works for everyone is the best idea.

Plus, I still say if you don't really address what's going on, the empty space will just get filled up with more clutter.

But - I started a help for hoarders thread and would invite you to share your ideas there.

[chisaomom]

Well, DH has surprised me. He's still not chipping in on the garage mess, but he did ask me why I didn't throw out an old shirt of his. I'd asked him about it the other day (see srain, I'm trying! although I refuse to "forget" I have a garage LOL) and he said he'd still wear it around the house, holes and all, so I quietly rolled my eyes and hung it back in his closet. Now he says he expects me throw stuff like that out. Hmmm, somebody got bitten by the decluttering bug!