Mistreated

[jenn504]

My husband and I have been married ten years, my oldest son is 11. My husband is the only father my son knows but lately I have noticed some small favortism between his bio kids(also my bio kids) and my son. When I asked him about it he says he treats him differently because I baby him to much. Should I be concerned about this? I do baby him probably more than I should but I baby my other son just as much, I dont know im confused, any ideas on how to fix this?

[Flor]

Unless you have a stepson and a bio son the exact same age, it is hard as a stepparent to know if you are treating them differently. Sometimes I feel like I am asking too much of my stepson, or giving him a hard time about something, but since my stepson is 10 and my bioson is 2, obviously there are very different expectations. You know what I mean? I can't saw "all the kids will clean their rooms, or wash dishes," of course, only dss does that. What I do, and maybe you could ask your dh to do, is I try to imagine how I would feel about it if it were my bio son. For example, my stepson likes to crawl under my bed and hide. For some reason, this bothered me. I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy, like I might have dirty clothes or something underthere. I tried to imagine in the future if my bioson was 10 and crawling under my bed, would it bother me? I was surprised to relize that no, it probably wouldn't bother me. So I made myself shut up and let dss crawl under my bed.

When you are faced with a certian situation, maybe you could ask your dh if they way he is treating his stepson is the way he is planning to treat his biokids when they get to be that age. Maybe it has to do with age with your dh (doesnt think any child of that age should be babied) or maybe he is being harder on your first child. If he can be honest, maybe that would help.

[mamafly]

I agree. Sometimes we step-parents need a reminder, but we also need understanding--it is really hard raising someone else's kid. I'm not sure why it's so hard, but it is. I assume that your dh wants to be the best step-dad he can be and would be open to your suggestion that he consider his actions. But you have to be open to him saying that this really is how he would treat his own son. Then, if you feel really strongly about whatever actions he's taking, you can discuss the actions themselves rather than suspected favoritism. Good luck!

[dukeswalker]

Interesting...I could have posted this esact same thing...

My dh and I have been together since my ds (his dss) was 2 and as far as my 12 yo ds is concerned, dh IS dad. But I notice how diff. dh is with ds - now I don't know if its because ds is a boy and his bio kids are both girls (and his fam is weird with affection among males - or what) When we talk about it he says that part of it is because he feels like I baby him - and I do - but more in a way of overcompensating for the lack of affection I see between the 2 of them - which in turn creates a vicious circle...

I KNOW it must be hard for step parents to treat all of the kids the same -but I think it's even harder for a bio parent to see the person she loves treating some of her kiddos diff. than the others, even if its unitentional...

I wish I had some ideas or advice - but thats what I'm looking for too....