Hi mamas! I don't want to make things 'worse' so here's my take fwiw
Jeni - I work for a suicide hotline. There are a lot of people who call who are lonely, sad, alone, scared, frustrated, angry, depressed, psychofrenic (I spelled that correctly), have all kinds of disorders, etc. We have maybe one emergency every quarter (that's less than one a MONTH). We get on average 10 calls a night (5pm - 5am). Do you get this? You can call ANY suicide line and just talk. If they start to try to solve your problems, then tell them you just want to talk. You are looking for listening, not problem solving. If you want that from us MDC mamas, I hear you. But our main concern is that you not do anything to hurt baby Bea or yourself. If you EVER feel you would, please promise that you would walk away - even if you have to leave Bea crying alone in your apt. (somewhere contained, like a crib or something) to go get a neighbor or call someone from a payphone. Would you recognize when that point had come? My guess is that you do/would, but you have come close and not gotten help, and that's what has set off the worry buttons. Be flattered...
Ok, that said, I'd also like to say that I think you are extremely capable and amazing. You have coped for 6 months on a shoestring budget, living in less than ideal conditions, dealing almost singlehandedly with a baby, AND dealing with your PPD and other mental/emotional issues (like the birthing). AMAZING MAMA!!! Think about it! So please feel the accomplishment that this half year has brought you! You aren't perfect, I'm not perfect (just ask my daughter who left this lovely note at the bottom of the driveway tonight "Der mom I hate you Im runing away for good sind Rebecca" Lovely, eh :LOL She ran her bike into the dog so I told her to go shelve the bike in the garage. Needless to say she's tucked away in bed now...). Well, so none of us are perfect. Our kids are wonky, we are wonky, our parents are wonky. Very few people have it easy that way (aaaaah, but we all know those golden people, don't we!). So take some time outs for yourself. If you have to put her in the pack and play or whatever, just do it. She's going to live through that trauma just fine (seriously! We were all (except Lisa) shunted into the playpen from time to time...I think my mother made me live in it for a couple of years because my brother was homicidal) and no matter how weird and nutty we are, we survived).
We all love you loads, for a woman we've never met
Not all of us are trained or have experience with 'just listening' and some of your words are dark and frighten us. I think they do show that you have feelings that need to be 'aired' and validated, and that someone professional can evaluate them with you to determine whether there is anything more that they could do to help you. Not solve your problems ('cause they are YOURS to own), but help you to be strong enough to confront the demons. KWIM?
I think if going to the event you want to go to is healing for you, then we probably all agree that healing is in order for you. BUT I'm hearing a lot of support for you to get counseling, which it seems is what you are resistant to right now. Are you waiting for a super counselor? 'Cause I am, and it's been SEVEN FREAKING YEARS since my ppd. Still waiting. The toll that this has taken on my marriage is unbelievable. It's pretty remarkable that he's still here at all - testament to his own stuborn self (LOL). I'm not taking it lightly, I did a TON of healing (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) and did see several counselors about it. I am hearing that you feel some level of control still, and that you are not going to do anything harmful to yourself or Bea.
mama. We've all had a bad day or two...you've had like 200! In a ROW!! So find some quiet space and start to journal it out. She'll be fine. She's an awesome kid, you're doing a great job. You can even relax a little. She'll feel it and repond. I hope your company didn't stay TOO long tonight!
I GOT POSTCARDS!!! I got postcards of manatees, of a rainbow and a cactus, of a bunch of freaks throwing toilet paper at each other :LOL This is so fun!!! Thanks mamas! Beca also liked the boats from Az and Christopher, whom she now knows like her long lost best friend
Thanks Jessi! That's awesome...REALLY
Jess - you're invisible today
Lisa - how do you manage to cope with the food issues on the road??? I find it challenging and hard even when we're just out for one day! Ug. Today was a bad day for Beca and I. I got my period today, and was kind of tetchy. I went for a huge long walk this morning that felt AWESOME, Beca on her bike, the dog, me, the stroller (dh out of town again). At the end of the walk, once we were back on familiar ground, Beca just took off home, crossing a majorly busy street on her bike without me even around to see her. I was pretty darned pissed. I kept my cool and told her she's back to only being allowed to ride around the block. WHY WHY WHY do I resort to PUNISHMENT??? I think I feel like she just doesn't understand the REAL consequences of her actions, like that cars peel down that road going 40 - 50mph and her little shiney silver bike with the tinsel pipe cleaners in the spokes is just NOT going to save her butt. Neither is the 30$ helmet. AAAAARG. (so we had 2 bike incidences which is why I told her to shelve the thing). The rest of the day was ok until the blow out at the end of the day (after she'd eaten the yummy rice flour cookies we made after swim today). She was really tired and already kinda waffly about the bike thing. She insists on riding it because she says she gets tired walking around the block. Now I don't walk that fast, I give the dog loads of time to sniff every blade of grass and tree trunk in the neighborhood. Whatever. No more bike
Maybe I'll go get one of those kiddie tandem bikes...
Hrmmm - what else. Pretty quiet already. Maybe people are leaving early for long weekends? Ok, off to clean up the kitchen and send some Reiki to Heidi and Karen's Dad (one then the other). I love doing it because I always feel quite recharged afterwards! Heidi - I'm going to send you physical, let me know if you'd rather have spiritual/emotional next time.
Caio mamas! You are all so caring and awesome!!! Oh, a quick joke that beca told me today (in one of her better moments)
Because I love you (biiiiig smooch) :LOL
Oh yeah - lots ot say in response to Heidi's post - I'll try to do that in about an hour, if I'm not asleep