Promoting bfing with BIL and SIL (sorry so long)

[mnnice]

My BIL and SIL are expecting their first child. In the past dh and I have both made some blunders in being a good advocate for breastfeeding. BIL and DH are very close and rarely fight, but about two years ago DH and BIL really got into it about breastfeeding (in fact I'm not sure it was the most heated I have heard in the almost 10 years that I've know my DH and BIL).

In reality this arguement started a couple months earlier with a nasty arguement between myself and my MIL regarding bfing. My MIL is very opinionated and loves to argue. I mostly let it go in one ear and out the other, but when she starts spouting misinformation about breastfeeding I can get a little (okay a lot : emotional). I have also said some things that were less than nonjudgemental about my other SIL (who alternated bf and formula feeding every other feeding for about a week with my nephew for When BIL heard about this through MIL point of view he was defensive. My MIL tends to be critical of any parenting that we do different than she did.

Okay back to the orginal story. SIL was very uncomfortable about this arguement between BIL and DH and with good reason. BIL and DH where talking about if she had a baby. In SIL and BIL situation it is most likely that SIL will continue to WOTH (FTR I do to). DH has told me the topic is off limits and he doesn't want to bring it up again. I find this only slightly less difficult than not breathing. :LOL . How can I backpeddle my/our previous harshness without giving up on hoping that their family has a positive breastfeeding experience.

[NoraB]

Unfortunately, some ppl will simply refuse to listen. Trying over and over to tell them will likely result in the opposite of the desire effect.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is "quietly" advocate. That is, live the life you advocate w/o a word (unless they bring it up, of course). Don't be ashamed to bf in front of them, etc. Sometimes quiet advocacy is even more effective than the vocal kind w/ some ppl.

HUGS

[lauraess]

I couldnt keep my mouth close either in your situaiton inspite or especially becuase of dh asking me to NOT bring it up. As a mom who bfs and is somewhat keen on the role of women helping women, I would do my best to get sil alone a few times and see if the subject comes up. let her lead. maybe drop a few openings since she's sounding to be cautionary about the subject and uncomfortable .
When and if it does come up let her know what you know in your heart. tell her YOUR experience. Thats the best info of all.
L

[ZeldasMom]

Originally Posted by NoraB

Unfortunately, some ppl will simply refuse to listen. Trying over and over to tell them will likely result in the opposite of the desire effect.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is "quietly" advocate. That is, live the life you advocate w/o a word (unless they bring it up, of course). Don't be ashamed to bf in front of them, etc. Sometimes quiet advocacy is even more effective than the vocal kind w/ some ppl.

ita. If you absolutely cannot keep quiet about this my approach would be to be very self-deprecating. I might say something along the lines of I was a jerk. I'm sorry. I think the world of you as a person and will respect your parenting decisions. And I also want you to know if there is anything I can do to help with bf this time around if that's what you choose to do, I want to be there for you.

Then you could offer to do something that might help...go to LLL mettings with her, pay for a consult with a LC, buy her a nurisng pillow, pay for a post partum doula, loan some breast feeding parafanalia, etc. I'm just brainstorming here, but you get the idea.

Please don't think I am saying I think you are a jerk. But I think you need to come off as really humble in order to bring her defenses down. I'm also not saying you need to actually say those words. I was just trying to get across the general idea of how I would approach the situation. You could say something more like "I expressed myself inappropriately and I think I may have hurt your feelings and I am sorry."

If there's a part of you that needs to be right for the sake of being right, or engaging in battle because your DH asked you not to, I would try really hard to find a way to let this go.

I feel your pain on this one. My inlaws make all kinds of parenting decisions I disagree with (circumcision, formula feeding, disposable diapers, crying it out, tv in child's bedroom, and I'm sure I am forgetting tons of stuff--you get the idea). I don't say anything unless they initiate it. It's hard, but I figure no one is going to change their mind because they were ground down in an argument. And I certainly don't want to encourage the practice of offering unsolicited advice cuz I sure don't want it! So I'm all about the leading by example approach NoraB suggested. I am really psyched because one of my SIL's is bf her new baby and it's going really well. She also just asked me for advice about slings!

Hang in there---I admire your passion about this issue!