not sure where to post this. i am also going to use all my strength to refrainfrom using swear words. i just feel so sad about my sons birth. that he will be harmed by it. that i cannot give back to him what was taken away. i planned all about how he'd be born gently at home, and i would protect him in his first months from technology and strangers and all the overstimulation that modern life assaults us with. then he was born by c section and nearly died and didnt see me for the first eight hours of his life and spent six days in NICU, surrounded by as much technology and strangers as you can possibly impose on a new little baby. i keep thinking how frightening the external version must have been for him, to be inside mommy and have some forces outside of his world come and push him head down, all the while he can feel his life source, the cord getting pinched tighter and tighter. i imagine his soul crying out- and if only we could have heard before he was so very hurt.
i am trying so extra hard to be a good mommy to him and do everything right because i just dont feel like i have as much wiggle room for mistakes with him as i did with dd, who had a gorgeous birth. and every day i have to try to fight back my worries that he is going to have physical handicaps or mental retardation becuase of the oxygen deprivation he experienced. he is just too young for us to know yet.
i was having birth nightmares every night for the first six weeks or so after we brought him home. i havent had any for a few weeks, knock on wood. but almost as disturbing are the happy birht dreams i keep having. the ones where i stay home and and catch him myself even though he's breech. they upset me becuase they are so vivid, and remind me that it wasnt me who wanted to go the hospital, but my midwife who felt frightened of attending a breech because she never had before. i will never know if maybe it all would have been ok if only i had stayed home. maybe it would have been worse too. i just dont know and it is driving me nuts. either way, i am haunted by obsession with what might have been. for me, and for ds.
ok, now i feel like i should apologize. this was very morose. i just am feeling this every single night and it is getting hard, thought maybe if i shared it, i would feel better.
on a positive-maybe someday i will become a midwife. i feel so intensely wanting to help other mother and babies. and of course, breech will be my specialty.
i am trying so extra hard to be a good mommy to him and do everything right because i just dont feel like i have as much wiggle room for mistakes with him as i did with dd, who had a gorgeous birth. and every day i have to try to fight back my worries that he is going to have physical handicaps or mental retardation becuase of the oxygen deprivation he experienced. he is just too young for us to know yet.
i was having birth nightmares every night for the first six weeks or so after we brought him home. i havent had any for a few weeks, knock on wood. but almost as disturbing are the happy birht dreams i keep having. the ones where i stay home and and catch him myself even though he's breech. they upset me becuase they are so vivid, and remind me that it wasnt me who wanted to go the hospital, but my midwife who felt frightened of attending a breech because she never had before. i will never know if maybe it all would have been ok if only i had stayed home. maybe it would have been worse too. i just dont know and it is driving me nuts. either way, i am haunted by obsession with what might have been. for me, and for ds.
ok, now i feel like i should apologize. this was very morose. i just am feeling this every single night and it is getting hard, thought maybe if i shared it, i would feel better.
on a positive-maybe someday i will become a midwife. i feel so intensely wanting to help other mother and babies. and of course, breech will be my specialty.
