adoption woes

[moonmama22]

:
I just needed to vent for a minute, and to maybe get some input...
Dp and I have been going through the process for second-parent adoption, here in CT, for our 13 month old ds. We have been together for 10 years, obviously planned for our son, and although we are probably considered lower-middle class financially, provide ds with everything he could possible need or want. However, the process for adoption is ridiculous. We started this almost a year ago, doing paperwork for our lawyer, then waiting for DCF to get in touch with us. Yes, the Dept. of Child and Family Services. We've been waiting for over four months now, and they are finally coming to do a home visit on Friday. It frustrates me, because I work in human services,and have seen so many completely inept people raising children, badly, who have never had to be checked up on by DCF. And the packet of paperwork for them asks questions about any past drug or alcohol use (USE, not just abuse), financial status, insurance status, arrest records, etc... It just really bugs me, because regardless of our actions in the past, we are better parents than many I know(not to boast, but like I said before...) So, everyone says not to worry, it's just a formality, which it is, because regardless of whether they let dp adopt him, we will still be a family, living together. But it just seems so wrong that we have to go through all this, and it's taken so long, just for dp to have legal rights to OUR son.
Thanks for listening... I know I can be long-winded...

[mamimapster]

:
I'm sooo with you! We did our second parent adoption in Illinois, and couldn't even START until DD was 6 mos old. The homestudy was a fairly easy formality, but I was totally on pis & needles until the second parent adoption was final. I knew that until that day if anything happened to either one of us we would have a whole lot more hoops to jump through. It drove my Dp NUTS that she had to adopt the babe she gave birth to, that's right, we *both* had to adopt our daughter. We had an awesome lawyer though, who sailed us right through. There are some of us two momma families hanging out in Queer parenting, Come say Hi if you haven't already!

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by moonmama22

:
I just needed to vent for a minute, and to maybe get some input...
So, everyone says not to worry, it's just a formality, which it is, because regardless of whether they let dp adopt him, we will still be a family, living together.

Well of course, it's NOT just a formality, which is why we all go through this stupid, extra, unnecessary process! I feel for you. My daughter has now been adopted THREE times in two different countries. She has four different birth certificates. How dumb (and expensive) is that?

Fortunately, we did not have to do another home study for my partner to adopt in our state. We did have to do the waiting period.

[max_4477]

Yeah, it completely sucks. The state we were living in back in the US won't even do second-parent adoptions anymore, and didn't have any clinics on our side of the state that would sell sperm to "unmarried" women. So amazingly prejudiced. Needless to say we are very happy to now be in BC where, with the next kid, we won't have to do 2nd parent adoption b/c we can both be on the birth certificate. Vent away.

[Faerieshadow]

Second parent adoptions aren't legal here, but we are planning on moving to a more liberal state in the next couple years. Nice to know we'll be put through the ringer when we finally can go for second parent adoption! I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, vent away - I'd be frustrated too!

[mumm]

The co-parent adoption for our second child could not have been any easier, and everyone we talked to was overly helpful. I just called the family court when I was about 6 month pg and had the paper work sent over. Once dd was born I sent everything (not all that much really, but we needed a birth cert.) over and waited about 3 or 4 months for the court date. Went in, said hello, signed the paper we were out in 15 minutes. Cost- $0

I wish I had know it was that easy with child #1 because we spent thousands using a lawyer and it was a total pita and took about 5 months after he was born.

I think we may not even have to do it for the next kiddo since we are now legally married and a male spouse can be listed on the birth cert. even if using donor sperm. But I 'll wait till we are actually pg to figure that out.

OTOH, our marriage has made several adoption agencies say that it would be difficult for us to work with them since we can't hide the gay factor.

Sorry it has been so hard, frustrating and time consuming for you all.

[lunadoula]

Mumm, mind sharing what state you live in? I live in MN and I've heard it's easy here too. Home studies?!? Thank god we won't have to do that here! Not that we wouldn't pass, but just thinking about it creeps me out.

[moonmama22]

Wow - I guess I'm not alone! thanks for all the support...
I actually live in CT, where in a few months, civil unions will be legally recognized, and will hopefully make this easier next time. I cannot believe someone said it cost them nothing (i forgot who said that, sorry). However we do have a very good lawyer, and he thinks this whole thing is pretty silly too, as does the probate judge I think.
DCF worker came in this morning, and though I was a nervous wreck - it went well. She seemed to think everything looked good, although she seemed to focus more on the fact that dp was in rehab for alcohol abuse (which was 11 years ago, and she doesnt drink at all anymore.) We tried to explain that it was really more just counseling for depression, not like she was a raging alcoholic... But she didn't ask about our families, or friends, or our day to day life as a family. It was more, "What is your combined annual income?" and "Is there any history of domestic abuse, counseling, or criminal activity?" She never went into the kitchen to make sure the cabinets had locks, or looked outside where he plays, but commented that his bedroom was "really adorable" and he seems like a happy boy. It just seemed really invasive as far as our past behaviors and actions, but really didn't focus on our present life. I really can't imagine the won't recommend it to go through, she didn't seem like she had any concerns, but we have a few people writing references as an added reassurance.
Thanks again for all the support!!!

[witt]

sounds dreadful

God that's awful. We don't have 2nd parent adoptions here in New Zealand. We have just have civil unions made legal and I imagine we will get hitched.

We do have additional guardianship here, and laura is legal guardian to both our boys. Not as good as 2nd parent adoption though I don't think??

But the boys are legally hers and we have done the hypenated name thing so if she rocks up somewhere and says her surname - it is instantly recognisable as part of the boys' name.

<sigh> oh the joys of oppression

[mumm]

I'm in Mass.

[proudmamanow]

we can so relate to this....even though we are legally married, our province has yet to catch up with the whole birth certificate thing!! So only my name is on Annie's statement of live birth, and it will take us about a year & cost some hundreds of dollars to fix it so both of our names will be on her birth cert!! :