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So many "How do I get them out?" ques. in this forum - Page 2

post #21 of 33
I don't know. I think it is hard to know a persons whole situation online. For some people it may be necessary to get their babe into their own sleep space. It really could have went that way for us:

I am a VERY full time student...I am talking about spending 70+ hours a week on schoolwork. We cosleep with our then 16 month old while our older two (7 and 5) share a queen size bed. The baby was waking 4-6 times a night to nurse. I get up about 3 to work on homework so I was getting next to NO good sleep and my school work was suffering but more importantly my mama-ness was suffering. I NEEDED SLEEP. I could not let him latch on and fall completely back to sleep because he can sense if the nana is falling out of his mouth and he has a tendency to clamp down which jolts me right awake for sure. My husband had a epiphany! We brought our 5 year old into the bed with him and baby and I went to sleep with my 7 year old. This has worked like a charm for us. Baby RARELY wakes up and if he does, papi is able to put him back to sleep. On the very rare occasion that baby is needing nana, I go to him or papi brings him to me. Yes, I miss the night time cuddles and loves but this is what we need to do for me to be the best mama that I can be. Yes, it was a difficult decision to make but it was one that was necessary at least for now.

The point of my little anecdote, it is very difficult to know a persons situation and unless you are 100% sure you know it, then one should not make assumptions about them.

Also, one of the things that I think that we at MDC have in common is the desire for tolerance. Tolerance for our "different" (to other, natural to us) parenting ways, and to pass that tolerance on to our children. I think that one of the best ways to teach our children that tolerance is to (hey this is a novel idea) be tolerant. What a wonderful example to set by giving support to those who have the courage to do what is best for their family even if it is something that we ourselves do not think is what would be best for ours.
post #22 of 33
So now so many of you who have just posted in defense of being able to come here and discuss what you need to who are upset by this thread are saying exactly what the original poster said, Why can't she come and discuss that she would like to hear more threads just talking about the awesomeness of stuff? Why is it ok to vent your stuff but when she vents her concerns it is wrong? You have judged her too.
I think you can come here and discuss whatever you want, that is what it is for. Sometimes though when someone starts a thread about what they love about co-sleeping it is taken over by those who want to transition their kids out. The same with wearing, and b/f'ing. So I think the REAL ISSUE should be to RESPECT the THREAD. If a thread is about loving something then discuss loving it, not the opposite. f a thread is asking for help with something, then stick to that. If you want to post about transitioning or whatnot and do not see a thread about that, then start one.
post #23 of 33
bleurae, i think it is the title that has created the responses. people are answering the question in the title.

i remember a thread months ago that had the same type of concern, but the title was something like "who else loves co-sleeping?". it was VERY positive.

my thought tends to be that co-sleeping is pretty straight forward. after you get your set-up figured out, you probably won't have a ton of questions. i don't visit this forum specifically because i don't have any questions or concerns about co-sleeping. it is working.

and when it does not work for me and my family, we will make changes.
post #24 of 33
Originally Posted by wolfmama
bleurae, i think it is the title that has created the responses. people are answering the question in the title.
Precisely! And one could go through the whole OP and list out the negativity of it (being negative about negativity...hmmm ) but that is not necessary. Nor is it realistic to expect replies only in agreement. I was not devaluing the OPers feelings, just trying to point out that the situations of the posters to whom she may be refering may not be as cut and dried as it may appear. Which is exacly why I described out situation. I LOVE LOVE LOVE cosleeping, I did it for a varied length of time with each of my children. But right now, traditional cosleeping is just not healthy for us, because of my schedule.

Ya know, when our situation cropped up a few months ago, I would have loved to know that I could come here for support ( I joined almost a year ago but did not start posting until the last few weeks) but if I am going to get replies to my:
" I really need sleep but he wakes up 5 or 6 times a night

post saying things like:

"well I acutally like having my child close to me, I thought this was a forum for people who enjoy cosleeping, not for those who just want to get their babe out of their bed"

it would have really hurt because it was a very hard decision for us.

I am not trying to be salty but I just want people to think that what that may see as something negative is actually a request for support.

Have a great day on purpose!
post #25 of 33
Why so many posts about moving kids out of the family bed? Because if you don't want to cio, and want to be gentle and respectful to your child, then it is hard and you need help and advice and understanding from others! I will work towards moving my 2 year old out of my bed as soon as I can. Why? Because I also want to be gentle and respectful to ME! How "attached" (a word I dislike as much as AP) can I be if I am resentful of the fact dd is sleeping on my head, chest, stomach, legs, etc all night. How "attached" can I be if I literally have a child on my body 24/7?

I love my children, and I love the stinky dog breath kisses and cuddles in the morning, but I also set boundaries and limits for them. Including some relating to sleep. Just as they are required to play in the backyard when I am making dinner, not the front yard, there are also rules for sleeping. My 5 year old's rules include sleeping in his own bed and only calling for help for emergencies (defined as fire, blood or vomit) and for someone to walk him to the toilet. He also know he is always welcome in our bed during electrical storms (too scary) and first thing upon waking to snuggle.

I need to sleep for at least 60 minutes at a stretch at some point during the night or I am too tired to be pleasant. I wasn't getting that with two kids sleeping on me. I am a more patient, loving, and understanding mother with him out of my bed. And he is more patient, understanding and better able to play without melting down at every snag now that he sleeps better in his own bed.

I am, imo, a better (or "attached") mother because I took the initiative to help him learn to sleep alone. Once I get the energy up, I'll do it for my daughter. Just as I help them learn to set the table, tie shoes, wash their hands independently, etc. Just because it is hard (for parent and kid) doesn't mean it is wrong. Heck- lots of kids would never learn to pump a swing, ride a bike, swim, etc. if they didn't have a patient adult or older child helping them.

I quickly learned that my mainstream friends could not support me during the transition (Jeez.. I should have left him to sleep on his own at 6 months, not at 3 years 6 months... What did I expect?) and that the MDC community would not support me during that time. I was alone, which is my only regret.
post #26 of 33
Well, I almost came here tonight to ask how to help my almost 5 year old to at least sleep in a toddler bed (or the co sleeper) in our room. Then I realized I might get fried for that and I'm not up for it. I love co sleeping and think it's so important, especially w/babies and toddlers. My nearly 5 yo dd HAS to be touching me, though. This creates quite the issue when I'm trying to nurse my infant or my toddler needs me. As a result I sometimes get very little, if any, sleep and am a cranky mama the next day. I don't feel negative toward co sleeping, I have reaped the benefits from co sleeping with all my children, but sometimes gently getting the child to move on (or at least move over :LOL) is a reality.
post #27 of 33
I think the thing I have gotten from this thread is to really pay attention to the thread and respect what it is asking for or speaking about AND if starting a thread to bevery specific about what you want AND DON'T WANT.

I think that's all good.
post #28 of 33
I think it is important to remember the huge gap in our culture between what is IDEAL and what IS.

Most of the parents here (I dare say) did not get a realistic depiction of what parenthood would be like before they became parents. Our culture devalues children and downplays their needs.

So, many of us have made huge leaps in our ideas about parenting based on what we read, what we hear, what we feel is right, etc. But sometimes there's got to be a happy medium between what we expect, or others expect (a DP, outside committments, etc.), and what our children need. Consequently, many parents are trying to find a balance, because they're doing what is natural in a VERY unnatural culture.

Just my two cents.
post #29 of 33
Sheesh...I really love co-sleeping with my little guy and so does DH. I get the basic hair pulling, bruses and kicks too, but still could not imagine him being in some other room alone at night. (*shivers) Plus, I love his morning smile!
BUt that's you It's not the same for everyone, parent or child. I had a child who absolutely could NOT sleep in the family bed once he hit 9 mos. He just couldn't settle down and every time I moved he'd wake up and whimper because he didn't want to be awake. We transitioned him to his own bed (right next to ours) and he promptly slept through the night. Isn't that what attachment parenting is all about, meeting the needs of your child? I'm sorry, but I also think that a child needs a mama who isn't frazzled all the time, so I don't see anything wrong with someone coming here, to a place designed for gentle parenting, to ask advice about how to gently meet her child's needs without completely ignoring her own needs.

So now so many of you who have just posted in defense of being able to come here and discuss what you need to who are upset by this thread are saying exactly what the original poster said, Why can't she come and discuss that she would like to hear more threads just talking about the awesomeness of stuff? Why is it ok to vent your stuff but when she vents her concerns it is wrong? You have judged her too.
She can come and discuss that she'd like to see more of the awesomeness threads, but that's not really what she did. She sort of put down the mamas who were asking about transitions, and that's NOT cool. This line, especially, sparked a nerve for me:
I don't come to this discussion to learn "How to not be an attachment parent." But geez...lately, I get the feeling Im being talked out of it.
I abhor anything that seems to impugne another mother's "credentials" as an AP mama. I get so frustrated when AP is bandied about as some specific list of things you have to do to be AP, instead of the living, breathing way of life that it is. It's NOT a list of things to do; it's a way to live, and it's different for each family. My needs and my kid's needs are different from your needs and your kids needs, and those are different from Jane's needs and her kid's. So please, let's not try to pigeonhole it to some senseless list that's devoid of meaning.
post #30 of 33
OP, I see where you're coming from. But your dc is not even 1 yet. He is still a sweet, cuddly, small baby. Perhaps when he is an active, kicking, restlessly-sleeping 3yo you will have some perspective on this issue. Not to be snarky or harsh at all, but the way we see things when our kids are babies can change a lot when they get to be older. And what's right and best for them as babies is not always best for them, or us, later on.

I loved sleeping with both my kids. But they are tall and have strong, long legs, and my dh and I sleep in a double bed. Sometime before each turned three, we gently transitioned them into their own beds. Fortunately for us, this was a very easy process. But I would hate to have others who are having difficulty with it feel judged negatively for coming here for help, or for being upfront about being done with co-sleeping.
post #31 of 33
We share sleep about half the night; the boys start in their own beds and join us after midnight. 99% of the time I love co-sleeping. I actually enjoy it much more now that they are 5 and 6; it was rough when they were 3 and 4. They move a lot less now and we all seem to have our spots (Eastern King).

I know that we are at a place now where all it would take would be telling them that they can no longer come to our bed, but I'm not ready to do that yet. Waking up together is still one of the joys of my day.

post #32 of 33

Originally Posted by CariS
I don’t think this was created as an exclusive attachment parenting website.
In that case, you are mistaken. Mothering, and Mothering.com, are about attachment parenting.

The purpose of these forums is not to "support" everybody and every choice indiscriminately. It is not a place to support CIO, or formula feeding by choice, or routine infant circumcision, or spanking, or many other things. It *is* a place to support attachment parenting and natural living, and learning about those subjects.
post #33 of 33
*insomniac creeping in*
we've partially transitioned k into her own bed (she spends about half the night there, though she sometimes spends her whole night). we did it because i was NOT SLEEPING anymore. we have a queen-sized bed. my husband is 6-foot and a bed hog, i'm a cover hog and k wants the whole bed as her's-- she's tall for a 19 month old (already 32"!!) and STRONG and pushes her feet into my back and stomach and her father's head. then there are the cats who CANNOT be convinced to sleep anywhere else (trust me, i've tried, but a closed door just makes them more obnoxious). plus, i'm almost 20 weeks pregnant now and am slowly taking up more room in the bed.
we'll probably still be partially co-sleeping with k when q comes along (i'm thinking we may need a co-sleeper because, really, there is NOWHERE for a 4th person to be!) but i hope it really is just partially. co-sleeping with my active toddler just isn't working for the family anymore. when any member isn't getting enough sleep and is thus cranky and short-tempered for the day, the whole family vibe gets off and EVERYONE turns into a cranky, short-tempered grump. and isn't ap all about making decsions based on what is best for your family? i LOVE co-sleeping, i do, but i just can't stand so many people in the bed anymore. i find myself often resentful when k comes toddling in the middle of the night and that is NOT good.
i hope we can understand that being respectful and gentle with our kids extends to being respectful and gentle to ourselves, too.
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