I want more, DH doesn't-anyone else?

[BusyBeeMom]

I'm feeling sad about this today. DH is saying he doesn't want anymore children, no discussion. We have one DD who is 6 months old. For various reasons, I'd like to have #2 (and 3 and 4) sooner rather than later and AM SO SAD that he's saying absolutely not right now.

I'm 28, so hope I'll be able to convince him to go to at least two before the store's totally shut down. Anyone else in this situation and were you able to convince DH to go for more? He says career, stuff like that...

Sigh,
janey

[merrick]

After we had DS, dh said he didn't want to have any more, 1 was enough. Then about a year and a half later he started saying maybe one day, but not anytime soon. I used to bug him all the time about having another one, but he always said no. Finally, I just gave up on the whole thing. I'm back in school now and so I was really focused on that and my future career.

Then a few weeks ago, dh just says out of the blue that he thinks ds needs a brother or sister! And he wants to start very soon because he doesn't want them to be too far apart in age. So it definitely can happen!

Maybe after your little one gets a bit bigger your dh will be ready for another.

[Guava~Lush]

yeah, our ds is almost 5 and dh isnt any closer to wanting another.

Everyone I know all of a sudden it seems, is having babies. My best friend is preggers with her second, another good friend, a coworker, the list goes on...

I go thru phases, but I usually want another. The day ds was born, I said I was ready for more!

Then the other night when dh and I DTD, and after the pull n pray method, it just hits that he really doesnt want another. I got so sad. Like I tried so hard to delay (not on purpose, I wasnt done!! haha!!) but he's not having it.
I know TMI, sorry!

I feel your pain.

[Attila the Honey]

Yeah, my dd is almost 2 and dh doesn't want any more children. The reasons he gives are finances, lack of space, fear about 'going through that again' (I had preeclampsia and alot of scary post partum complications and he's just recently admitted he was afraid I might die), his age (40), and the fact that he thinks our family is perfect the way it is.

And, he's right on all counts! But sometimes I still have that unexplainable tug to have another baby. I am just trying to concentrate on being happy with what I have, the hand life deals me. yk?

[BusyBeeMom]

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

I am just trying to concentrate on being happy with what I have, the hand life deals me. yk?

That's what I try to do. I just sometimes get pangs of..."I'll never do this (nurse a newborn, watch my baby cut her first tooth, see my baby sit up for the first time, etc) again. Sigh.

I just don't understand my DH. Oh well. At least I'm not alone! I keep hoping for a birth control failure (but I'm pretty sure I'm not even ovulating yet)!

Janey

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by JaneyHD

That's what I try to do. I just sometimes get pangs of..."I'll never do this (nurse a newborn, watch my baby cut her first tooth, see my baby sit up for the first time, etc) again. Sigh.

I just don't understand my DH. Oh well. At least I'm not alone! I keep hoping for a birth control failure (but I'm pretty sure I'm not even ovulating yet)!

Janey

It's only been six months, he might change his mind soon. My DH said "never again" after our difficult-homebirth-transfer-for-c/birth. It was all too fresh in his mind and it really scared him. Then DS started saying DaDa and crawling, and now DH is begging for more.

And 28 is not old enough to start worrying about the store shutting down. (Unless you had trouble conceiving the first time.)

[Alison]

Originally Posted by Guava~Lush

Then the other night when dh and I DTD, and after the pull n pray method, it just hits that he really doesnt want another. I got so sad. Like I tried so hard to delay (not on purpose, I wasnt done!! haha!!) but he's not having it.
I know TMI, sorry!

I feel your pain.

You know, the chances of pg with pull and pray are so high, that I don't think anyone who uses that as BC on it is *really* against having another. They may say they are, but if they were, then they wouldn't use withdrawal as birth control. According to planned parenthood, 27 out of 100 women will get pregnant in the first year of using withdrawal. Even with *perfect* use, 4 out of 100 will still get pregnant within the first year. And really, who's perfect, after all? I mean, would those odds be good enough for you if you really didn't want to have another child?

My DH claims he doesn't want another, But he's perfectly happy using withdrawal. My theory is that he just doesn't want to take responsibility for the decision to have another. This way, if we have another and it ends up being difficult, financially or whatever, he can always say "well, I didn't really want another, you're the one who wanted to have two". To which my response will be "well, you're the one who didn't want to use birth control" (I had to quit using hormonal birth control and told him that birth control was going to be his responsiblity--after all, I'm okay with having another child!).

Anyway, I know how everyone here feels, cause I'm in the same boat. I have terrible baby lust, and had always planned on having more than one. So, I thought, had DH, until DS turned out to be such a poor sleeper! More than two years since we last slept through the night. I think once DS starts sleeping through the night, I might be able to convince DH that we should have another. Hopefully he'll forget about the sleeplessness!

Alison

[Acugirl]

I can so relate to this thread! My dd is 2yrs 9 months and after 2 1/2 yrs of constant nursing, I finally got my period back. That same day dh told me he wants a vas! I have always wanted 2 kids and dh didn't want any when we first met, but finally came around to having our dd. I was so devastated when he tol d me he wants a vas I cried and cried and finally he agreed to hold off and reassess later-we agreed to try to regroup as a couple and get back some of our life together....
But, Alison, like you I put him in charge of bc...I don't want to go back on the pill and since I want more and he doesn't-I figured he should be in charge...well....he is doing the "pull and pray" method or not even! I am SO confused by his actions....when I confront him on it he says " I am using the mind technique"??????? He said this with a totally straight face as if it was proven science or something-if it is, please clue me in!
Anyway, I wonder if what you said is true-that he doesn't want to take responsibility...we are going to see a marriage counselor next week to try to work through this, because it is really hard on me!

good luck to you all!

[Alison]

Acugirl! You sound like you need it.

The mind technique is a new one for me though! How does that work? You WILL the little swimmers to forget how to swim or something? I so understand about the mixed messages though. I mean, if my DH doesn't want another, then how come he's not willing to look after birth control? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever completely understand his side of things. If I was the one that didn't want another, he wouldn't get within ten feet of me without birth control.

Alison

[chubbycheeks]

Yup, I am in the same boat. After DS1, DH said no more, that he liked having one and not having the competition for attention with a second. I kept bugging him, and he agreed that DS1 needed a sibling, so we TTC'd and had DS2 in April. I had some pretty bad PP complications and now DH says no more for sure, and I have some BAD baby lust. Top it all off with a cousin of DH just announcing that she is preggers again (and I hate the way they parent, they CIO, all that stuff) and I so want another. I too, worry this is the last baby I will nurse, CD etc, but I am trying to enjoy it all and not try and worry about the future. After all, if this is really my last I dont want to waste all this time worrying about it instead of enjoying it. Better get off the PC and go play with DC, speaking of all this!! :

[Danesmama]

I'm in a similar boat to chubby cheeks. My dh says that he doesn't really want another child and is sure that he does not want to deal with my ppd (mild ppd, but it is an inconvenience to him to have me sit in my pj's all day) again. He also is afraid after two difficult births that the third child will actually hurt me or be harmed somehow, but I keep telling him I know that I can do it again. And really, how many moms do you know that had simple straight forward births?

Anyhow, he is still open to discussion, but I don't think he will come around any time soon. We are also using the "pull and pray" method and like your dh's I think that he will just reserve the right to say "I never wanted a third" if things are difficult. We'll see. . .

[BusyBeeMom]

Hmm...I see I'm not alone! Interesting thoughts on why these guys use the "pull and pray" method, too. I hadn't considered that, but it makes a certain sense. As it turns out, I've gotten DH to the point where he'll consider #2. I'm beyond thrilled, and really think he'll go for it!

But, he said he'd want to get a vasectomy afterwards. I told him I could never get on board with him getting a vasectomy--he never knows how he'll feel years down the road. What if, God forbid, DD were to die? Or be sick and the best hope for treatment was cord blood of a sib? Or I die, and he remarries...anyway, you can see I'm not a fan of sterilization. I would only consider it if there were some medical reason that pregnancy would be life-threatening to me.

I feel like I may have a relatively small window of opportunity to conceive--I don't want DH to go back to the only child mantra! But DD is only 7.5 months, nursing a lot, and AF has not yet returned Too young to consider significantly restricting nursing.

I suppose I'll just see how it goes. Good luck to you all! BTW, the technique that worked for me was straight begging and pleading. Reasoning w/him was a lost cause.

Wishing you all lots of babies in your futures!
JAney

[chubbycheeks]

Well I am glad to see that you have possibly convinced him! I just had to post again as just this afternoon DH told me that he really thinks that he may want number three. This was a complete shock to me as I have let the topic rest of late, and the DCs have been a bit nutty this week. After this week, I thought for sure we were done in his eyes. Guess maybe I was wrong . .

[gottaknit]

when I confront him on it he says " I am using the mind technique"??????? He said this with a totally straight face as if it was proven science or something

: : :
Yeah.... this is how my mom ended up pregnant and married at 18.

[moon_goddess]

i am in the same boat as all of you ladies. my ds is 17.5 months and i have been getting that baby bug. i thought that *i* wanted to wait till he was atleast 4 years old but now i am thinking it may be better to do it now. dh is on the pull and pray method as well...universe know's i hope that he doesnt pull everytime we have sex...one slip and i would probably get pg.

the sad thing is i do have a diaphragm that i never use cause it is way inconvenient with a nursing boy who is up all the time...but i have had the thought of faking putting it in with hopes of concieving. how horrible is that?

we have had the talk of if it happens it happens...but we arent trying and would prefer waiting. we'll see what happens

[ShadowMom]

Here I am, jumping into the boat with you ladies!

My DH is not COMPLETELY against the idea, but he really doesn't seem to want another.

Our DS is 21 months old and I think DH is really enjoying DS not being as dependent.

I want another, but not for another year or so. I am REALLY hoping DH will come around in the meantime!

And if not, there is always his laziness when it comes to birth control. I think this is a man thing (like, they live in the moment, or something). I would hate to have a DC without having him totally on board though, it's hard enough getting him to help me out with the one we have. :LOL

I'm just LONGING for a little girl. I used to scoff at people who wanted a certain sex, but here I am... we have a boy already, now I want a girl!! :LOL I just yearn for someone to share my female secrets with.

[moma justice]

i reference to husabnds not being on board with pregnancy (esp when THEY do not use BC, know you want to get preg, and and know how sex works...)

this was our case with dd #1!!!

and for almost 2 yeras my dh would sometimes bring it up...how *I* got preg, and HE was not ready...blah blah blah

i mean come on!!!!! it is not like i am responsible for inventing sperm or something...

so i guess it is a toss up, i am glad we have dd but i wish he was not so into pointing fingers

[never]

This is an interesting thread.

We are the opposite, DH wants lots more and I definitely do not. I'm happy with one.

[becca011906]

This is interesting. I am a very young mama of 3 so know my time is not limited by any means at all! But i want more kids not now but some time, i dont' want to be done having kids at 22 years old. Although i took it on my part to take care of the BC method and had an IUD put in after dd was born so i could insure i wouldn't have time to go ahead and get through some college or something before i got pregnant again b/c as said above dh wasn't going to do anything to prevent the first three pregnancys so it's pretty much up to me to stop taking my pill or patch or whatever i was on at the time ect. But i figure i have 3 beautiful kids and if this is my family then i'll be happy but if there is chance for more in the futrue i will no way pass it up!!!

[dalbert]

This thread is intriguing for me because I come from a completely different perspective. I started out not wanting any kids of my own but got swayed by an overwhelming urge to have one that resulted in our beautiful dd. Since then, I've been dead set on limiting it to just the one (dh has been in total agreement). Now I think I'm pg and suddenly I'm singing a completely different tune. I'm sure hormones play a big part in that shift, but I think it's also the thought that there may be another child that is meant to be in our lives. I think men can have that thought too. Now that I think I'm pg, I feel like there is an empty space that still needs to be filled. I have not felt that way since dd was born. This has been a real sudden realization for me (literally shifting me to a polar opposite position within a single day!). If there's one thing that both dh and I have always held faith in, it's that things seem to happen for a reason and that we do best when we just play the hand that's dealt to us. I think all of us doing the ol' pull & pray must believe in that to some extent...even the men.

-Di (mama to Rylee 11/01)