I want more, DH doesn't-anyone else? - Page 2

[lizziejackie]

This is an intriguing thread for me too. I am 35.5 now and really want 3 kids...we already have two DD's and DH says he does not want anymore. (We have the only kids on both sides of our family, so no cousins, etc - ever. Furthermore, I just really want three.) We, like so many of you, are doing the PNPray method...I totally would not mind if we got pg, of course, and warn DH every time we DTD when I am highly fertile. (I have very obvious signs.) Anyway, I had a big scare in August that I was pg and started having panicked thoughts about DH being mad at me and acusing me of tricking him into getting (me) pg. Now, I really don't even want to DTD anymore, b/c if I do wind up pg, I am afraid he will get mad at me. KWIM? I suppose I am being irrational... but... I don't want him getting a vas either. ARGH.

I want to feel done with three kids... I don't feel done at two and it's killing me. It's like mourning the child you don't have. Does anybody else feel the way I do or am I just babbling...!?

[ShadowMom]

Oh, Kelly, I know exactly how you're feeling. I want another child so much. But, DH doesn't seem to want another. And, seeing how stressed out he gets sometimes (and I'm a SAHM!) I feel like maybe that's a good decision for him. :LOL

Also, the first has put such a terrible strain on our marriage that, assuming we make it through, I can't imagine going through all of it again.

But we dtd the other night and used the PnP method (actually, it had been so long since we'd had relations, I didn't even think of it, until DH immediately afterward said, "You'd better not be pregnan! Ha ha").

Anyway, I am starting to think it might not be best for us to another child, and am really feeling sad about it a lot. I think it will just get worse as time goes on too.

[Danesmama]

I just wanted to update you ladies who want another, but dh (or dp) does not. We ended up miscalculating on our NFP - I don't chart, but know my cycles and fertility signs. We are expecting #3 in May if everything goes well! It was really a surprise because with my first two we actually had to try for a few months to get pregnant and this time it was so quick. I was totally in denial because I just knew I couldn't get pregnant so easily. . . um, I was wrong :LOL
My dh has been wonderful - he is actually excited for this next one.

So if it could happen to me it could happen to you and hopefully your dhs/dps will take it as well mine did!

[lizziejackie]

There are times when I think maybe it's just better if we stick with two, but then I think I am probably just trying to persuade myself into the acceptance mode. I truly in my heart, don't think the DH would be THAT upset if we got pg, I just think he could (and probably would) use it as the "well, YOU wanted this one..." thing that others of you have talked about. If there's anyone out there that should have three it's us--we have small families, two girls (no boys), a bigger house and I already SAH! Furthermore, my current two would love a baby/little sibling. ARGH. DH and I talked about it more some last night and he said, "Maybe someday..." Now, someday isn't that great of an option w/ me being I am already 35.5(!), but at least that's better than a plain out N-O.

DD1 got us off to a rough start too, she was colicky, etc and still is very high maintenance and difficult (but God, I love her!). I think DH is afraid of ending up w/ another like her and, frankly, so am I!

So, if you are praying...or pleading...whatever works for yourselves, throw a few in for me (us) too (and I will do the same)! It's just a situation I never thought I would find myself it...life changes things, doesn't it?

Michelle--that is SO exciting about your new arrival and that your DH is A-OK with it! Hope you have a HH 9 months and a blessed little one!

[hummingbear]

DH has also been absolutely set against having another. For the first couple of years this wasn't really talked about since I wasn't ready. DS has been more than a handful for me. Then I started mourning every passing period. Now at 46 with a four year old I feel less attatched to the idea but still have a deep well of grief.

So gottaknit,
you've got lots of time!
My store wasn't even open at 28 :LOL

Best to us all

[GRATEFULL]

A guys perspective

Greetings to all...this is an interesting thread. There seems to be a pattern...women want more...men don't.

I wonder why this is? I assume there are some major biological elements at work here. I always wonder why women want more than 1. Why is 1, 2, or 3 not enough. I grew up as an only child so I know I am biased in my perspective.

My situation is the same as others who have posted here. My wife and I have a 17 1/2 month old girl who is truly the sweetest thing. This all started out with my not wanting any children. My wife who has 3 siblings had different ideas. After two years of stalling, counseling, etc we agreed to go forward and have our first child. Everything was planned from day 1. We decided no hospitals and instead chose a birthing center as a nice compromise. The whole pregnancy went fairly smoothly...my wife continued her yoga practice, had great checkups, and overall was the model of a Pregnant woman!

That is until she went two weeks past her due date and we ended up at the county hospital after a 42 hour labor. She was dropping large blood clots while in the shower which promoted the hasty departure to the nearest medical facility. After 48 hours Chloe was finally born but not without complication. She did not cry when she came out of the womb...in fact several minutes passed until we heard the first vocalization. She was quickly whisked away to the IC unit where they hooked her up to oxygen to help her labored breathing.

After several hours we thought all was well and left her for the night. The next morning I checked on her and everything seemed to be improving. That's when she had her first seizure. They thought it was probably due to the long labor and lack of oxygen to her brain. She was immediately transported to a children's hospital where she had a second seizure.

I cannot even tell you how I felt as a father. This was by far one of the most devastating events in my life. She spent 5 days in the intensive care unit and was released. We had to keep her on phenobarbital for about 3 months afterwards to make sure she had no reoccurring issues.

I am happy to report that all is normal and well in our world. She consistently charts in the 97% for height, weight and head circumference. She is walking and talking and unless I told you this story you would never guess at how she came into this world.

My wife has been hinting lately that she would like another baby. I on the other hand feel like the luckiest guy in the world to just have one that is happy and healthy...why test fate? Why push our luck?

I should probably seek some counseling about this event as it was traumatic in every sense of the word. I share this story with you even though it may be a bit overboard because I want you to know how scary it is to see someone you love go through such an experience knowing that your powerless....knowing its possible that you could loose your wife and maybe your unborn child. Its chilling.

So maybe some compromise may be in order. You have to ask yourself why are you so unhappy with just one child. What is missing from that 1 child that you think you will get with a second?

As for the PnP method....I agree that the men who use this technique have no ground to stand on if they get PG. You have to accept that reality if you choose not to use real protection.

I love my child like nothing else but the fear that seeps into my stomach even thinking about another child is unbelievable. Maybe time and talking will make me come around but as for now I am just happy with what I have.

[hummingbear]

Thank you for your story gratefull. I can only imagine....... and maybe not well enough. I am relieved to hear that your DD development is going well.

I am curious what your bias is having been an only child. The only other stories I know from only children are that they are hell bent on having more than one.

I couldn't say that having one is a deficiency in the least. I am happy as could be and actually afraid of having another as much as I am drawn to it. All I can say is that during my pregnancy I had a huge sense of two beings associated with the unborn child inside of me. I cannot say what that means. But before that I had no attatchment one way or the other.

Many blessings

edited to add that perhaps my greatest hurt is that my DH will not actually sit down and hear how I feel without jumping to "no way".

[BusyBeeMom]

This thread has attracted some really interesting comments and insights! I should update you all and let you know that DH has agreed to TTC #2! I can see that he's a little conflicted, but also a little excited. Now, if I would just ovulate...(I've ovulated once since DD was born-still nursing).

Basically, I emphasized to him that family is what brings me joy--he's more career focused. We already have the limitations that come with parenthood-having to arrange childcare, etc., so why not have another? Also, I fully support his career goals and going to school, etc., so I asked for him to go the extra mile to support what makes me really happy.

This will actually be our first time TTC-DD was a surprise! So, hopefully DH will not change his mind, and soon I'll be pregnant.

Good luck to everyone else!

[mama Nicole]

I'm sending you cmpassion and love! It so hard....it's allmost like you get to the point where our womb ACHES for another! Maybe describing to him the pro's for your other little one. For instance learning to share mama and papa, and once they get a bit older, they paly with each other, and keep each other company. My two little ones are 3 year's apart, and I love it. I got oldest all to myself for three year's, then when my son was born, she was able to enjoy the process with us.
I think it get's a little overwhelming for the papa when the babies are small. Maybe he just need's a little more talking and loving!
I hope your family expand's soon!!!---Nicole

[witt]

my partner didn't want anymore, but she finally decided that it was easier for her to live with having another than it was for me to not have another one, make sense? anyway we start trying this month

[hummingbear]

Originally Posted by JaneyHD

This thread has attracted some really interesting comments and insights! I should update you all and let you know that DH has agreed to TTC #2!

::::

[BusyBeeMom]

Originally Posted by hummingbear

::::

Thank you! Though I sometimes fear he's wavering, last night he wanted to know when my fertile days would be and why we couldn't I just get pregnant right away (ah, the mysteries of ovulation)!

[Electra375]

We're the other way around...
I think I'm done and he isn't... :LOL

[dmj]

Being on the same page

I guess I must be different from most of you posting. I have ds 10/17/95 with first husband then we divorced. I had always wanted at least 2 children; then finally met dh and have dd 9/9/04. Dh absolutely wants third but is not sure about a fourth. I saw a segment on the Dr. Phil show and he said something that is very wise: "it takes two yeses and one no". "Accidents" that are on purpose or because of lack of responsibility to me seem like poor communication and trust issues. If your dh can't trust you to take/use the bc you agreed to or that he agreed to be accountable for it just seems to me like it is asking for trouble. I feel for those with one child because I have always had the personal feeling that siblings are special. I also understand having baby lust. For the almost 5 years I was divorced every pregnant woman made me feel very sad for the loss of my marriage and the possibilty of more children. I even had some well meaning friends that told me to "just get preganant by a boyfriend and then never see him again, and don't tell him that you are preganant". It was a very tempting offer, but I am so glad that I waited for someone who loved my ds and me and who really wanted another child. I personally feel if you have to "trick" a partner into another child that you should reconsider. I love the fact that my dh and I make all of our decisions together. I hope this post gives some of the women out there at least another point of view.
: :Marissa : Alexander

[Electra375]

I feel that people make excuses for not having more children that really are not really valid IMWorld. The $$ excuse (for the most part is just an excuse, my kids are not loosing out and adding a few more won't hurt us either in the $$ department, I could debate an entire thread on this aspect), the when we get settled, when we have our careers, the list goes on and on -- fact is if you make these excuses the only way you have a child is a "for real" accident. Women can not ignor their biological clocks indefinitely and have a career or wait for their spouse to feel it is the right time. The right time is when you the woman know it's right.
Women can have it all, just not all at the same time and those who think they can are fooling themselves and short changing their families -- JMHO.
I won't let excuses keep me from having what I want out of life. There will never be that 'perfect' time to have children, there will always be something getting in the way.
My dh left the Army during our first pregnancy, we moved to a new town with a job that may or may not have lasted, I finised college after the birth of our 1st, we bought a house after our 1st, many of our friends were buying second homes after the birth of their 2nd or 3rd, we were not b/c we bought a large enough house to grow into, during the first year of our 2nd child's life my dh was without a job and found another job, a better paying job as well... Life happens and you can't put your dreams of children on hold waiting for the 'perfect' moment.
Granted our 1st was an accident, 3 yrs into our marriage -- but everything is in God's timing, not ours anyway. Proof is in the # of children conceived will the woman was on birth control and some even when the woman's tubes were tied!!!
Our dd was conceived while on the PILL, double hormone type. And yet it took over 10mo of trying to conceive ds2!!!
Listen to your biological clock, doctors have not been telling woman the truth about conception into your late 30s and early 40s. It is a very difficult and painful road for some woman who wait, several mainstream articles have been written on this topic in the last year. Your 20s are your prime for birthing, your early 30s is wears you out more. Each year you get older the more wearing pregnancy is on you as well as labor and birthing or even recovering from a c/s -- it just takes more out of you.
IMO it's no fun having your kids spaced out so far apart that it's like 2 or 3 only children, the bonds of brothers and sisters just doesn't seem to be there when they are younger. My sister is 6 yr younger than me, we were never close until we became adults (this was not my parents choice but rather infertility or mis information about cycle charting back in the late 60s).
To be totally blunt, if you dh doesn't want any more children and you do and you get into arguments over it or the time is running out, it's time to seek counceling either from your religious affliation or private practice.

[hummingbear]

Originally Posted by dmj

"it takes two yeses and one no".

Forgive me if I am a bit daft here: I get the "two yeses" part but not the "one no" part. Maybe I would get it if it were two no's.

I don't get the sense that anyone here is trying to trick their partner; did I miss something?

[hummingbear]

Originally Posted by Electra375

To be totally blunt, if you dh doesn't want any more children and you do and you get into arguments over it or the time is running out, it's time to seek counceling either from your religious affliation or private practice.

To be totally blunt, counseling does not change everyone or everything and I for one am more committed to my relationship with DH and to my family and to being in agreement for another child than I am to having another child no matter what. Yes we still have to find peace with this.

[dmj]

I meant that it needs to be accepted by both parties. If one of you doesn't want another child, then you need to respect that person enough to keep that decision. As for the tricking I was looking at a post that said that one woman was not using her diaphram and she was not telling her partner this fact. I know several women who just went off the pill with out telling the partner this as well. Personal integerty is very key in any relationship. If you go against your partner or misinform them what does that say about your character? I am all for if both of you say we are not going to use b/c and if we have more children-great. But hoping that he/she will come around after the fact just does not seem right to me.

[hummingbear]

Originally Posted by dmj

I was looking at a post that said that one woman was not using her diaphram and she was not telling her partner this fact.

I missed this.

[kerikadi]

I wish I would have found this thread back when it started. I had a thread in TAO about the issues DH and I were having about having another child.

We have 4 and I want another

DH is an only child and thought that was great and grew up thinking he would have ONE child. Well, when we got married I already had the two boys from my previous marriage so he came into an instant family. He is an incredible step-dad and is very close to the boys. Not too long after we got married my baby lust kicked in high gear. He was not ready. I waited, encouraged, and waited and on our first anniversary he agreed he was ready and we got pg THAT night DD#1 was 7.5 months old when I was shocked to find out I was pg I wasn't sure how he would react and was nervous but he was so excited from the moment I told him. We had two great homebirths with the girls (I am one of those straightforward birthers )

So now here we are, our youngest is about to turn 2 and months ago I started feeling this huge void. For me it has been a feeling that it is supposed to happen. I know part of it is my faith and spirituality. Just a few months ago DH was saying he was going to get a vasectomy. He knew I was not ok with it but I wasn't sure I could prevent it. In our 7+ years of being together DH has NEVER used P&P and thinks men that do are stupid. He says "You either want a baby or you don't and P&P is just a cop out" He is Mr. Responsible, he uses a condom every single time.

I have had periods and ovulatioins come and go and been quite weepy about the whole thing The good news for me is that DH has always been willing to talk with me about the way I feel and the way he feels. It was just so hard for us that we were not on the same page. Our marriage is very strong and we really do agree about everything that is important but this one thing. It has been hard for me but it has been hard for him too because he didn't feel he could make me happy

Well, last week we were actually talking on the phone. He told me he wants to want another, he just can't wrap his brain around the idea of FIVE kids! He starts asking me questions about carseats, bedrooms, beds, who will sleep where etc. Well, he agreed that he is comfortable enough to start using NFP to avoid again. We used NFP for the first year of our marriage before DD#1. He feels this way if it happens it is Gods Will. He came to this conclusion after much prayer from both of us. We are Catholic so that is an issue for me as well.

Anyway, this turned out to be really long but it is nice to have found other Mamas that feel the same way I do. I am still tandem nursing my almost 2 and 3 year olds but my 2 year old has decided to potty learn and it just breaks my heart not to have a little fluffy butt in the house.

I am happy for the Mamas that are getting the children they so hoped for, hopefully I will join you soon

Keri