Considering baby...married 2 years...have 2 stepdaughters, 7 and 9

[smommy]

Hi! Is there anyone out there who might be able to share some of their own experiences, or experiences of others dealing with having a baby with their DH or SO when there are already one or two step kids living with you? We have been married for two years. I am 31, and I am ready to have a child OF MY OWN. I do regard his girls as "my own" too , in a sense, but I think you know what I mean... My husband is the custodial parent: we have "prime residence". I am nervous about taking this on, but realize I won't be truly fulfilled until I have my own child. Can anyone else relate to that? The idea of "3 kids" overwhelms me... although we get alternate weekends "off", as well as one week night.. summers are pretty much 50/50....but I think it would truly be a beautiful link to our blended family. I believe it would blend it even more! I dont want to leave this earth without giving birth!!!

[mamameg]

First of all, welcome to MDC!

I know just what you mean about wanting a child of your own. My DSS is 13 and lives with us, but that is only within the last year or so. Before that, he was with his mom most of the time, but we saw him weekly. DH and I have been together for 9 yrs, married for 4. We just had DD 14 months ago, right at the same time DSS came to live with us and it was a pretty challenging adjustment. I think I underestimated how tough it would be and I went a little for a little bit. :LOL I don't mean to frighten you, but I feel I should be honest. But really, most of my came from the whole new mom hormones, and just the day to day dealings with a newborn. I'm not sure it would have been much easier if my DSS had not come to live with us at that time. Honestly, he was a HUGE help and loved/loves to play with his baby sister. Sounds like your DSDs are old enough where they could help out. I think they like that - makes them feel invloved and they get to bond with their new sibling. One of DDs first words was "brother", and he just LOVES that!

Also, made sure to give him a lot of attention on his own, so he wouldn't feel pushed aside by the new baby. That seemed to work well. But I must admit, we sort of slipped up on it for a while recently and he has expressed that he feels left out sometimes. So DH took a few days off work to hang out with him, they've gone to a couple of movies (his fave thing to do) and DSS seems much happier. I think it's something that all families have to keep in check though. It's important that all children, step or bio, feel like they are loved and getting enough good attention, and it's up to the parents to make sure that's happening.

So I guess my point is, yes, it's a big adjustment for everyone. But I think it's totally worth it and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

[natesmamma]

hey you - don't I know you? hahaha

[Flor]

I was married 5 years ago,have dss who is now 10 and lives here 5 nights a week, and ds who is turning 2 this week. Plus, dss's mom has a 10 month old baby so dss went from being only child to having 2 brothers a year apart. Adjustments all around, of course. I have to say though, the hardest part for us wasn't with dss, it was between dh and myself.

For years I was 90% parent. We had an issue with dss, we'd share our opinions, but in the end if dh felt strongly about something, we went with his opinion. I never felt like I'd fight to the death about any parenting issue with dss. Suddenly, though, there was MY baby here and I wasn't the 90% parent anymore. I never knew dh and I had subtly different ideas about parenting until ds come along. We had never argued about parenting before because I always felt like he'd have the final word with HIS son. It was a shock to us both. It was the hardest year of our marriage. The first year was easy compared to this.

However, dss LOVES his brother. The boys are great with each other. I love having them spaced so far apart because they are in totally different places in their lives and not competing (especially important in blended families, I think). They aren't fighting over toys, or dad's lap. Dss is old enough to talk about his feelings and concerns.