sad Dad hears "I don't like you daddy!"

[aredee]

Hello, I'm the father of a 3.5 YO boy. I'm truly dedicated to the fathering role and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I work only part-time so I can parent more. But for a while now my son often says things like "I don't like you Dad." Or "Go away, I don't love you." We're not sure why he says this. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this a universal phase? Is this a bit of Oedipus complex? Thanks for any thoughts you may have.

[mamaduck]

Just today my 2 year old told his Dad, "I hate you, Daddy."

We figure that his vocabulary is limited compared to ours, and even what words he has are sometimes diffult to think of right when he needs to. So, he sometimes says extreme things because he can't be more articulate or exact in what he means. He might mean, "I need some space." Or "I don't like what you are doing." But he says what he can instead.

[RachelGS]

My doctorate is in psychology, and as much as I dislike some of the tenets of psychoanalytic theory, the "I hate you" thing is pretty common toward the opposite sex parent in kids this age. Children are beginning to discover not only their own sexuality, but that the world in general is a sexual place. They will try out both parents before it's all over. It certainly doesn't reflect actual hate, or even anything in that ballpark. It usually means something more like, Mommy belongs to me, you're intruding, I'm the one she loves the most-- or vice versa. It stings, but only because we as parents love our children so desperately. It's totally normal, and even a good thing that your child feels secure enough to express the whole range of his experience. Hang in there!

[cumulus]

"If you have never been hated by your children, you have never been a parent." ~ Bette Davis

[jenndr]

Sometimes too, I think kids say things like this so we will reassure them of the opposite. Whenever my daghter says things like "Go away " or "I don't want you" I always remind her of a nicer way to ask me to leave like " It would be nicer if you told me you need some alone time or quiet time right now and I always want you and love you when I'm with you or away".

If she tells me she hates me I always tell her "that's fine and I always love you" We usually talk about why she is angry (unless she wants to be alone) and I tell her I always love her even when I'm angry and it's normal/ok to be angry even at people we love.

When she says things like " I love you better" or "I don't love daddy" I just always remind her how much he loves us and that it's ok to love both of us. You know to remind her that her loving her daddy doesn't take away from her loving me.

I think it's totally normal and shows how much trust and love she has for you that she feels comfortable saying such things. I know that sounds crazy, but I really think it's so true. You're doing great! Try not to fret too much about it.

Jenn

[amymarie]

My almost 3 dd says these sorts of things to her daddy too. I'm glad its kinda normal and nothing to worry about.

[tea olive]

somehow your child has learned these unfortunate phrases and discovered that these words have power. he cannot possibly understand how they hurt you, in that you have years of meanings for these words, he does not.

are there certain situations where he says these things, like either to get what he wants or because he is frustrated? and combined with being hungry or tired? (everyday occurences for most of us.....) i believe prevention of meltdown is key, i have had to learn to look for signs of vapor lock especially with my 4y 3mth ds. i don't believe that there is a gentle way of ending this type of talk immediately, however, in regular moments i would work on a more descriptive and accurate vocabulary, he is old enough to understand pretending different emotions or looking at a book with pictures showing feelings. if he is not terribly upset i would work to get him to say "i don't like it when you _____" as opposed to "i don't like you", it is probably what you are doing or the situation that upsets him, not that he actually dislikes having you as a dad. when my son gets riled up to where there is no solution, i offer to hold him, which he now refuses, and i tell him i will leave him alone and to let me know when he is ready for holding. sometimes they just need some time alone.

i wholeheartedly recommend becky bailey's book easy to love, difficult to discipline.

i dunno if it's just personalities or a male issue but my dh and ds4 have a very verbal relationship, they are both articulate and i have to remind them and myself that sometimes it is just words, everything is fine. maybe my definition of hate is different, but i really believe that hate is learned and acquired, there is no way a child can even begin to understand what hate even means. perhaps there is a disney definition of what hate is that we get numbed to the idea of..... if i were you i would acquire an image such as a cartoon version of your boy squirting bananas at you or invent a substitute phrase to hear in your head like "i don't love your big hairy toes" "i don't like your big purple ears" so that you can stay grounded in the heat of the situation.

there is also the tiny issue of input, the word hate has never come up in this family and now that i've thought about it i will probably treat it as a nonsensical word until i can properly teach it. if my son could see your son he would learn a most delicious and powerful tool to press our buttons! remember use only words you want repeated.

i also agree that a small child able to verbalize or express any strong feelings is always a COMPLIMENT to you.

[mamma31337]

I hear it all the time...

Actually, I think that this is a great sign of how involved you are in your son's life. You sound like an excellent dad, and I really think that your son is using you to try some stuff out. Most of the moms I know are the primary care providers. We hear this type of stuff all the time. I believe that there are two reasons for this. One, we are always there constantly supporting them, and providing a safe space to try out new language and behavior. Second, we are always there. I have found that my oldest child will use language that I consider hurtful, when he wants to get away with something or he is just plain tired of my presence. My youngest son is starting to do the same thing. Their dad works all day, so when he gets home it is fun time. I noticed that when my husband has been home for long periods of time, they start doing the same thing to him.


You are doing great. Keep it up!


-Natalie

[dlbarker66]

Hi all,
my six year old son went through a very painful (for me) phase of telling me hated me almost as often as he told me he loved me. It was always in response to my prohibiting him from doing something he wanted (in his mind, needed) to do.

I bought a book that I highly recommend - "It's Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer's Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!" by Anthony Wolf.

It taught me how to deal with the outbursts of anger. My son was a textbook case and the approach in this book worked like a charm. Today, when Liam gets mad at me (which is still on a daily basis) he is more tempered in his reaction. Usually. Once a week when he does really lose it, he'll come to me within ten minutes with the sweetest apology.

In a nutshell, the trick is to not react. Not to take it personally. Not to yell. I just ask him in my most normal voice to please go to his room so I can be alone. If he refuses, I take myself away from him without any fuss. And once he comes back as his normal, sweet self, I love and cuddle with him as though nothing ever happened. We both feel much better!

[~DreamingOfTheSea~]

I vividly remember telling my father i hated him when I was very young. And i don't know why? He was such a loving, gentle parent. So i guess its a phase some kids go through.

[wombat]

security

Kids don't always have to like you - in fact if he didn't dislike you sometimes at that age, I'd think you'd never disciplined him. One idea I find helpful to remember is 'discipline makes a child feel safe and secure'. It places limits and boundaries around the child, which though they don't appreciate at the time, allows them to feel safe, secure, cared for and loved. I worked with abused kids and saw kids who never had discipline (in the positive sense) and they actually feel out of control and this is scary for a kid. You're doing the right thing - just don't expect your toddler to understand it yet!

[Betsy]

My 3.5 yr old boy doesn't like me either

Tonight, my 3.5 yr old son said to me, "Mommy, I won't like you if you die" Clearly he was saying he didn't want me to die and if he could persuade me not to die, it would be by threatening to "not to like me" He expresses his happiness and sadness in "I like" or I don't like" He and his older sister talk a lot about like and love. He will say, I like you and love you or I don't like you or love you. I always respond by saying I love you no matter what. But it always seems to puzzle him, because like and love is about being happy with someone, not deep emotional connections. They don't understand that. So don't worry dad. Your son loves you even if he hates you.

[Megs Mom]

Betsy,

[Betsy]

Thanks for the welcoming messages!

Wow, I have been a Mothering fan for almost 7 years now, but never connected on the internet till now. I love the discussion lines, live and in detail. There really are more people out there like me! Whew.

And to have two people welcome me in the first few days on line.

I'll be back for a lot more and to add my stories and questions for all of you.

[mamamoo]

Hello i am mammamoos husband, I experiance the " I don't like you and I don't love you anymore" phrases quite often from my dd more than my ds. I dont work, but go to college full time so right now it is kind of difficult for the children to have to listen to me because for most of their lives i worked all the time and my dw stayed home with them, so they are used to "playtime" and "fundad" when i am home wich is not the case now..
so i think that a change in their parenting "routine" playes a big part of the things they say because it is not what thery are used to........

[sarenka]

We have a lot of this I hate you daddy stuff, and it's been really helpful to read these responses. I don't think it is always related to something daddy 'does'. sometimes she picks up on his being tired, stressed, not wanting to be there with her and answer all her demands. Dh is with her as much if not more than I am, and needs more space than he's getting, it can be felt even though he tries to hide it. Also he used to shout at her (although she never responded with 'i hate you' at those actual times) - since he stopped that she has said it less. It also means that she just wants more of me. I also always stress that he loves her, and that i love him. I feel a bit guilty because sometimes i criticise him for eg shouting at her - in front of her I don't mean just 'don't shout' but a whole lecture!

[simonee]

My dd, now 3.5, has done this since she's been able to talk. It's been very painful for dh at times, though he realizes that it's mostly her way of saying that she wishes she could have the same physical, necessary connection with him as she has with me.

Then, one day we were discussing it, and we both realized that neither of us had ever said this to our own dads. Reason? We would have been afraid to.

Our dd says it because she can. Because she feels free and fearless enough to do so. Her connection with me is more needy, because she nurses and because she's always been in or near my body. So she experiments these things with her dad ~ he's the safest person to try distance on, because he's neither too close to risk rejection with, nor too far to trust.

I think that if your child does this, you're very likely a great dad.

[Cindi]

The great thing about kids is that they can genuinely hate you and then love you in a matter of minutes. That ability to move through emotional states is so tremendous. They also don't know how to display social love, the obligatory kind. I would be thankful for that. When he loves you, it is so true. In fact there may be more truth to his expression than to the people who always say they love you. We all have ways of being repulsive to others at times. His ability to have an overview will grow in time too, and then he'll be able to feel (consciously) the deep consistent love while he is angry at you, or whatever is on the surface. He is just young.

[mirlee]

I noticed when I looked at the dates on this topic that no one had responded since December.


We have a serious situation regarding this topoic.

Last night Sam told his dad that he hated him and to go away. Then he hit him in the head. Dad left the room very upset.


This morning Dad again left very upset. Sam had told him that he hated him again. I didn't know this until this morning, but Sam tells his dad he hates him several times a week! Sam seems to be very serious about not liking his dad who has only shown Sam love and caring. As we were standing in the living room, dad asked Sam if he liked his mommy. Sam looked over at me, grinned and hugged me and said that he loved his mommy. When dad asked what about me, Sam said I hate you. Dad was so visibly crushed. I am very upset about this.
The only thing that really differs between the way we deal with Sam is discipline. I am more of a voice raiser time out person and he is a little more strict. We are having some big issues with discipline lately as well, so this may be related.

Any ideas, Dads? I could really use some advice.

[aredee]

Hi Mirlee,

Assure your dh it's common and it's a phase. I've received a lot of good replies in this thread.
Do you breastfeed? My wife does. She thinks our ds's anger towards me is some sort of Oedipeus-like thing. Quite likely--- he doesn't want to share his #1 with dad. I suspect if you're breastfeeding this situation would be more common.
My son is about a year older than yours and now he's starting to say it less. AND......JUST TODAY I received a big, emotional "I'm sorry dad" about a minute after his outburst, accompanied by a hug. Maybe the phase is winding down: wife thinks he's growing more attached to me and is not so clingy to her.