I'm sooo wiped out 'cause dh never does anything!

[mum22dd's]

My dh never does anything, and to get him to help a bit around the house I have to nag for ages and then argue. Then he'll do something, like pick up all the toys, but he'll do it really rough and angry, occaisionally breaking things on the process. Why??????!!! I've explained to him that the time we're together in the house we should be doing things 50/50, right? The place is always a disaster, and I'm always exhausted 'cause it's always up to me,me,me, me...I have no time to recuperate my energy, and it's been like this for many monhts!
Example. Last night I finally went to friend's place for dinner - her birthday. My first time out in two months (no joke), and I had to bring the two kids with me! Dh didn't want to come.
I'm getting close to blowing up.

[PumpkinSeeds]

Well this morning I blew up at dh because if he had his way he would sleep 24/7. Really, he does one little thing and then he needs a nap!


AAAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggg!!

[MoonMother]

I hear you on the nag nag nag and argue. I feel like I have to be a total wench for him to finally get up off his duff. And the PS2 could go right out the window. :

[lunamama3]

hey, i'm right there with all of you...my hubby's a wonderful guy and i love him, but he's lazy as all get out! we've all been sick on and off for weeks, the kids and i, with no help/sympathy from him. and sure enough, he's got a bit of it and the world must positively end. what is the deal? grrr...is it a man thing? (i ask as if i care...hehe...man, woman, or child...if i don't get some help soon, this house is gonna rock with the wrath of a wronged mama. )

[Dancinghen]

I hear you! I confess that I am a neat freak--I just can't think if the house is a jumble and hubby drives me insane leaving junk all over. He throws his trash ON the counter, not in the trash can 2 feet from the counter...dirty clothes piled on the couch, over the railing, and in the bathtub...pocket contents strewn willy nilly...dirty dishes left moldering in the lawn--it's the little things that drive me nuts! And I am certain that I am not the only person in our household capable of operating tricky machinery like dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, and washing machines.

When I'm really peeved I try to remind mysef that he does work full-time, run his own construction business on the side, take care of all our numerous home repairs, perform all the mechanical work on our vehicles, and bring home take-out for dinner when I don't feel like cooking. And finally, after 9 years of parenting, he can occasionally dress and feed all three children while I sleep in maybe twice a month or so. Generally, though, despite trying to remember his good qualities, I'm still annoyed when I have to pick up his socks or take care of the kids by myself for days on end without a moment to myself. Good luck!

[RileysMom]

I am crazy in love with my dh, but he is pretty much a no go on any "inside the house" work. Yard, he does. Inside is mine. Now, this was known before we got married and I really don't mind. But now that I'm pg with #2 (a high risk pregnancy) and dd is only 21 months, I told him that I need more help. Would he like to do more, or should I get a maid service? So now I have a maid service come in every week or 2. I don't have to nag and he still gets to relax when he comes home.....

I know some people couldn't swing this, and it does stretch our budget a bit, but it is SO worth it to me.

I've even done this when he sorta was letting the yard slide. I'd say, "gee the grass is really high. Are you going to have time to mow this weekend or should I call a service?" He almost always did it and I didn't have to feel like a witch....

[prouddfofscorpio]

man's view

well mum, does he work full time? and far as the toys go do you think the children should learn to pick up their toys?
and for the sick thing, yeah it sucks getting sick. especially when you work an hour and 1/2 away from home. my wife doesnt like me sleeping on the couch when she and baby are sick (we cosleep). it really sucks driving to work and trying not to fall asleep while sick. never mind getting there. and as far as the ps2 goes, maybe thats what the husband does to relax. maybe an hour or 2 here and there arent too bad. when i come home from traffic after work, sure i ask how her day went and give her a hug and kiss. but to release stress, i like to play a video game. not all night of course. just enough to escape the real world for a bit. remember, not ALL husbands get to take many breaks at work. never mind dealing with 5pm and morning traffic.

and on the other side. i can agree with you women. when at home, why not take a rest when children take a nap? if theyre old enough to pick things up and comprehend things, why not ask if they can help carry a sock or two for mommy? for kids around 6 or so, try to figure out a nap time or quiet time so mommy can sit and relax for a bit. for sickness, yeah im there for both of em. i do laundry now and then. dishes as well. but im not a man's man for the most part. sure i enjoy a baseball game or two now and then. but i dont beleive in me man you woman. if you have older kids, maybe you can have date night once a month or so while theyre at grandparents house. have a night of giving each other massages, or just hanging with eachother.
how many of you women have sex 3 or more times a week? with your husbands?(haha j/k)well maybe use sex or making love as collateral. say if they can do some laundry or something 2 times a week. anyway, im sure ive riled up some spirits but not all men are like that. my wife and i are understanding of eachother. and instead of me coming home and bitching and just going to games, i open up and say whats on my mind while giving her attention. i know not many men can show feelings, but im sure if you think of a way you can make him show his feelings.
well i think i've stirred the pot enough
kev
: :

[mum22dd's]

It has taken me literally MONTHS to answer these posts because, well, no time! It actually surprised me to hear from a dad. The sex thing there really surprised me, like have sex a few times a week in exchange for washing the dishes and stufff...did I get that right? That was kinda' wierd..anyhoo....
Unfortunately my (our) situation is a bit hard to describe, like DH is not working full time and doesn't have a regular schedule, so sometimes he's not in the house for days, and sometimes he's there FOR days. BUT BUT BUT, what he actually does around the house never changes, i.e. zilch. So how would you feel if someone was 'relaxing' in front of computer games for an ENTIRE day (yes, I mean 8-9 hours) while you take care of 2 kids, cook meals for everyone, tidy up the house, you know- the usual. Let me tell you, it is very annoying. If nothing else the psycological stress of having a non-responsive person in front of you while you're wizzing around doing a ton of things really takes energy out of you.
Although, having waited so long to post things have improved, so...I guess I can no longer vent.

[the sunshine]

Er, yeah, using sex as "collateral"? Did I understand that correctly?

That assumes that a woman would rather NOT have sex for her own enjoyment. That assumes that men are that shallow that they can be bribed with sex.

I don't think dh's should be excused from doing anything once they get home from work. Moms don't get to quit at 5:30 and sit around playing video games and have someone else cook and clean and do laundry for them.

It's a matter of respect! As a (stay-at-home)wife, you respect that your dh works all day and deserves a bit of respite when he gets home.

As a husband, you respect that your wife works hard all day at home dealing with the house and kids. Even if she is not physically working her butt off all day, being responsible for children is very emotionally draining. Just because they are napping does not mean you have forgotten about them.

EVERYONE needs some alone-time! Everyone needs to feel appreciated and respected.

(And if I hear one more time that "mom can relax when the kids are napping"---ARGHG!!!!!)

[drifter]

OK... I know I will piss people off, but it is just what I think.

I stay home with DW all day with our kid. I see that there is not really as much work as most of the women make it sound. Yes women are on call 24/7 for the most part, but they are not working constantly. Our dd cries about 1 time an hour and we work for a couple minutes with her and that is it. The rest of the time we watch TV or go for walks.

I was just watching something about this on Oprah the other day - these women were complaining and they showed video of their day... the went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned the toilet....

I look at that and say - what we go shoping once a week? Laundry once a week? clean the toilet and vacuum once a week? and most dinners take 20min or less. So this lady on oprah did all her work in one day and she is done for the week.

You have to understand that when your husband is at work for 8 hours, that is non stop - no time to stop. So if a stay at home mom works with her baby 20min out of an hour she does that same amount of work in 24 hours.


THEN.... another important thing is do they know how happy you would be if they did some work? When I cook dinner in my house, DW gets so excited and say that it is so romantice (even if it is frozen pizza which is the best I do) That is why I do more. I know how much she likes it, not that she expects it. And then you will find that you will be in the mood for sex more with DH if you are happy with him and not angry. He gets more sex and see's that he does work, he gets some. You see sex as a bribe now, but if he actually did the work, you would be happier and view it as love.

Last.... I also know that my DW does a lot more house work, but there are mans jobs and womens jobs. This winter when our sewer backed up, I was in the basement for 4 hours bailing with a bucket at 1am. I would have never expected her to do that. That is a mans job. So for you women who are worried about your 50/50, how many meals should she cook for me shovelling sewage all night?

[motherkins]

Is your post for real, or are you just trying to get some reaction from the women around here? I can't get behind husband or wife bashing. Do you have an actual point?

[drifter]

no I am ot trying to just get a reaction. The fact is that I am a stay at home dad and I am not nearly as busy as these women all complain. I get plenty of playing with the kid. I get plenty of TV.

Also more work gets done and there is more sex if we both show we appreciate the work we each do

[mamaduck]

Wow Drifter, it sounds as if you have a really supportive wife. In order for you to have so much time to yourself and to feel so rested, I bet she has to pitch in and do her fair share when she is home. I imagine she takes care of your kid a good bit when she is not at work, and gets up with her at night when she cries? And does she pick up after herself and do some of the family cooking, errands, and bill paying?

I imagine that being a stay at home parent would be a much easier task than many of us claim, *if* we have a supportive spouse who pitches in when s/he is home. Which is the point of this thread.

Not to mention, Drifter, that it sounds as if you have ONE, very young, and very easy going child to look after. No running kids to swim lessons or school, no packing lunches, or chaperoning field trips. No muddy shoes to wipe up after 10 times a day, etc. Nobody who needs help with science projects, or rides to playdates.

And thats great that you feel okay about watching TV during the day when your kid is home. Personally, I don't feel good about having grown-up TV on while my kids are around and awake. It doesn't seem like a good thing to influence them with. And most of my meals take more than 20 min. to prepare because I try to cook healthy non-processed foods for my kids -- thinking ahead about their growth and health of course. And then there is money to think about constantly -- gotta eat healthy, but also cheap, you know? And it usually takes awhile to fix a meal since they are both under foot while I cook.

Meal planning, list making, shopping, food prep and clean up take a total of 15-20 hours a week around here. That is a conservative estimate. It can take longer if one of the kids is in a foul mood.

Budgeting, bill paying, and checkbook balancing probably take another 2 hours or so each week. Assuming I'm only interupted a few times.

Cleaning is about 2 hours a day (14 hours a week.) And the house is still not where I'd like it to be. Laundry is separate -- 2 loads a day, everyday. Folding for about 3 hours once a week late at night in front of the TV. So, that all adds up to about 20 hours a week of housework.

I spend half of each day out with my kids, driving them to activities and what not (another 20 hours a week or so.) They don't want to be stuck home all day anymore --- not like you can do with a baby.

Childcare duties are around the clock, but the basic bath and bedtime routine takes about an hour and a half every night. And then I am up 2x every night during the night with our youngest child.

So anyhow, if I had a DH who came home and threw a tantrum about having to fix a meal, clean up some toys, or give a child a bath -- you can bet I'd be posting a venty thread like this! I damn well need his help by the end of the day, and if he isn't going to give it then I would just as soon he didn't come home at all. And that is true. So I can definately hear what Mum2dd's is saying here!

[drifter]

you are right- I am sorry - I just thought this was a message board to share our thoughts - this is the way my life it. I did not realize that this was a band wagon board.

[mamaduck]

Drifter -- the title of this thread is "I'm so wiped out because dh never does anything...." It sounds to me like you are saying, "You can't actually be that wiped out because you don't do very much." Nice thing to say, there. Someone complains that they are exhausted, and you say that person has no right to be exhausted. Brilliant. I just love the way you extend empathy and understanding.

I am so glad your life is so easy. I'm sure you deserve it.

mum22dd's -- I'll jump on your bandwagon anytime! *You* deserve some help and support, and I hope you realize how valuable all your hard work is.

[drifter]

actually if you read what I first wrote, I wrote that if you show him your excitement in his helping, rather then just expecting him to help. As a result, he will help more. When he helps more, you will be happier - resulting in less nagging and more sex. He will notice this and then help even more.

That was what was in my original post. And that is what advice I can give - you guys just chose to jump all over the fact that I do not thing being a home parent is that hard. The fact is that I like being a home parent more then having a job. That is why I do it.

[motherkins]

I remember when I got married someone told me that a good marriage isn't 50-50, it's at least 75-75, point being that you should both do your best to do more than you think is your "fair" share.

I don't know what your children and their ages are Drifter. From your original post, I interpreted that the at-home parent puts in 20 minutes of work out of every hour. I'll be honest, I'm putting in more than that. There isn't time to watch adult television, even if I didn't abhor the darn thing. Coming up with new and creative ways to keep the kids entertained at times seems like work to me too. Perhaps parenting just comes naturally to you, but I run by the seat of my pants somedays and fight the times that it feels like my brain may go numb playing hide and seek for the 100th time that morning.

I cook healthy meals that are thought out ahead of time, do the laundry (and how does one do the laundry once a week? especially when diapers are involved?) including ironing dh's shirts, and try to have to house somewhat presentable at the days end, although to be honest, some days it's a mess because I put the kids needs first.

I have no complaints about my dh. He works hard to support us and is always in a good mood when he gets home, ready to give me a break. The suggestion that we should applaud or throw a parade when a partner finally picks up their socks is absurd. We all take responsibility (or should) for creating a home. Recognition should be given, and often, for the hard work done at home and at work. I think my DH would be insulted if I made a big deal about him mowing the lawn though. And he'd have to do better than throwing a frozen pizza in the oven for me to say that was romantic.

[mum22dd's]

Wow, I don't check this post for a few days and look what happens!
From what I can see from Proudfofscorpio and Drifter, looks like a lot of dads are pretty similar to my dh!
It really makes me smile, the way you guys harp on about the sex thing..ummm..did I even MENTION that in my post? Again, may I ask, where did that come from? Maybe you should be starting another thread. It's very off topic, and have you ever thought, not my case?
I thank Motherkins and Mamaduck for reminding Drifter of the reason why I posted in the first place. You know, I'd been facing grueling day after grueling day (days only get grueling when things have been tough for a long time already), I got five minutes on the computer and I posted what is most pressing on my mind, which was, 'I would never have to be sooo exhausted if dh just offered to get off of the sofa once a day!'-kinda thing.
At the time I had a 5 month-old and a 26 month-old, and we live a very small apt, with no parks nearby and no yard, and I don't have the car easily available. That makes entertaining small kids a definite challenge, and makes cleaning up after any activity pretty essential.
Drifter, do you believe evrything you see on TV?
Maybe these Mamas accounts of our daily lives are more accurate, realistic, take our versions into account as well, not just Oprah.

[drifter]

I do not think I was off topic with my posts at all...

You said you are so tired because your DH never gets off the sofa. I said try to be overly positive showing him you like that he helps rather then you expect him to help.

And for who ever it is that posted that it would be insulting to your husband, well I am not the one posting I have a problem. DW and I split the work and help eachother out because we know how much it means. Maybe you should try it

[carmen veranda]

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