I'm sooo wiped out 'cause dh never does anything! - Page 2

[the sunshine]

That's what I thought, carmen.

That's why I didn't engage.

[mum22dd's]

off topic...and excuse my ignorance

please excuse my ignorance, but what does 'troll alert' mean? My brain is a bit on the mush-side at the moment!

[Jane]

"Troll Alert" - A Definition

To start with, there are two concepts at play, there's the fairy-tale Troll who lives under the bridge and eats billy goats for no apparent reason.

Then there is Trolling, like you do when fishing. You lay out line and bait and slowly motor around trying to get a fish interested.
__________________________________________________ _

An internet Troll is something of a combination of the ideas. These people wander around a message board, dropping an idea here or there, trying to get someone interested. Then he/she gets involved in nasty arguments. Why do they do it? No apparent reason.

When is it an alert?
Someone who is unlike the other posters on a board raises concern, also, someone who only expresses contrary positions. There are the clues when someone never ever agrees with a further explanation. Some are one-trick-pony types, where every discussion goes into their pet topic. Some are just plain abusive.

[drifter]

Originally posted by Apricot
"Troll Alert" - A Definition
There are the clues when someone never ever agrees with a further explanation.

This is the stupidest thing I have ever hear. You mean because I did not agree with you I am a troll - why are you not a troll since you did not agree with me upon further explanation. Or does everyone need to agree with popular opinion to post here. The fact is my and DW live the way we do and you live a different way.

We NEVER fight, argue or disagree. Someone on here had a problem and I thought I would tell you what we do since it works for us.

It is fine with me I do not have to post here anymore - I will let you go on the way your are rather then trying to suggest anything different.

[BusyMommy]

Hey, OT or back to T, whatever, but can you hire a housekeeper to come in maybe twice/month? Really, it's SO worth it for peace of mind.

My dh is actually pretty good at it. He's much more a neat freak than I am so whereas I certainly don't mind cluttered piles or counters, he runs around at night and cleans. But, I have way too many friends who have partners like yours. It'd drive me nuts.

Re Drifter....well, I hear what you're saying. Please don't flame me, but I know a few men, mine included, who are much better suited to being at home w/kids than their wives. He stayed home both times for his own FMLA w/the kids and got sooo much more accomplished than me. I'm uptight, he's not. Same w/our best friends' family. BUT...neither one of these guys ever did any kid trips; ie. everyday I take the kids out on a "field trip" like outing and dh never did. Neither did our SAHD friend.
Oh, yeah, have to edit and add: men don't have pre and/or postpartum hormones and breastfeeding exhaustion.

So, yeah, kick your dh in the butt, demand 50/50 at the very least, and try to hire a housekeeper.

[rainsmom]

I usually dont read these threads cos I find them SOO exasperating. To hear of yet one (or 2) more dh's that lie on the couch and do nothing to help with their dc's or the housework...... I think alot of the moms I know have dh's like this....not mine. My dh is always amazed when I read him threads like these, that these guys can get away with not participating in the family. WTF!

If you have low expectations of your dh, I guarantee he will live up to them!

Some of the dh's I know like this are in their 20s.....I dont know if that has anything to do with it or not. Makes you wonder what their mothers expected of THEM at home.

[Jane]

Originally posted by drifter
This is the stupidest thing I have ever hear. You mean because I did not agree with you I am a troll - why are you not a troll since you did not agree with me upon further explanation. Or does everyone need to agree with popular opinion to post here. The fact is my and DW live the way we do and you live a different way.

Dude, back down. I never said you were a troll. I was just listing some things that might make one suspicious. Someone who never lets clarification change their opinion might be a troll. I was not relating that to ANYONE in this thread. Think of my post as more as an explanation for any message board newbies. It's frusterating to not know the lingo, and I was trying to explain.

Back on the topic, I don't have any advice, just sympathy. It doens't sound like a fun way to live. I can't see the solution being either overly rewarding dh or punishing him. I wouldn't want to parent that way and I wouldn't want to be in a marriage like that either.

-Ap

PS. I had not responded in this thread before, so drifter, you have no way of knowing how my DH and I live. Perhaps you were thinking I am someone who had already replied?

[waitress2]

"Work" was a piece of cake compared to sahm!

How funny to hear a couple of posters claim that working in the workforce is "more work" than working at home and that sahm's don't really do much. Believe me there are times I wish I could justify putting my toddler in daycare and going back to work full time because it'd be so great to deal for 8 hours a day with adults and have goals that can be met. A sahm rarely has adult conversation during her day and all her daily accomplishments are soon to be undone - toys picked up will be back on the floor soon enough, clothes keep getting dirty, dishes never end, meals have to happen 3 times a day, diapers keep getting messed, etc. On top of that is encouraging the emotional health of your child and providing learning experiences. Anybody who thinks staying at home with their child is a picnic must really be missing out on a lot of the true work of being a caring, supportive parent while trying to keep the house clean and make 3 nutritional meals a day that don't come from a can. I love my daughter and know how important this time is with her... but I have to admit I fondly look forward to someday when I can go back to "work" again and actually get paid tons for doing a lot less work!

[reeseccup]

MY DH gets sex because I love him and enjoy the intimacy, not because he helps out around the house: He also finds ways to do down time on the way home from work (and his job is very stressful with very long days) like taking the back roads instead of the traffic ridden road raged main roads and relaxing then. We don't have video games in our home (our choice 12 years ago when we got married) and he doesn't complain if I didn't get the house picked up or dinner isn't on the table when he gets home. He knows it's not easy taking care of children and doesn't begruge my job. He also agrees with my parenting when we place our children first and foremost above a perfectly clean home, mowed lawn, ect so I may have had more snuggle/play time with the children, or just had a very clingy fussy baby hanging at my feet so I trip whenever I walk and choose to sit down and cheer up said baby even if it means not doing "a damn thing all day". The stress from that frustration that I didn't get what I intended to do wears me down, not to mention the stress of constant bickering between children, the screaming, whining, tattling, : you get the picture lol. I must admit, life was much easier with only 1 child but it sure wasn't as filled with this overabundance of and I'd rather pass up a full nights sleep if it meant giving it up.

Some women go into a marriage expecting to change the things the don't like about their man, instead pointing out and rejoycing in his good points (like he does do the dishes even though you married him so he'd take out the nasty trash which he doesn't...well NOW he does, but only because it's easier for him to do that now instead of the dishes )

In the same sense, some men go into a marriage expecting to be taken care of (allllll of their "needs") and find in most cases that just isn't how it is. Some find that the "if I "rub her back she'll rub mine" concept works, but only because the woman is less stressed due to some of the workload taken of their shoulders, not because she finds it sexy Although IMO, there is nothing sexier than a man playing with his kids and enjoying it, because it shows a nurturing side.

From both sides one of the best things to hear is "I appreciate you" and that is one of the people tend to forget to say or even feel. One of the many things life in the military has taught us, is to appreciate what you have, because it may not be there tomorrow. DH has come home from many a deployment where he was in the line of fire away for many months. We both appreciate the others company and help, him because w/o the kids and I he'd not have so much joy and unconditional love and a place that is "safe", me because of the unconditional love, and I realize how much he really does do when he's home. WE learned early on not to take eachother for granted. I also learned VERY early on that nagging defeats the purpose and actually results in the oppisite action that I wanted, as well as he learned that yelling at me will give him oppisite results as well.

I don't know how long any of you have been married ,how many kids ect., but if it's not working, find something else that does. Change has to come from yourself since you can't change another person, but you can change how you react and behave. I used to rant and rave over the socks in middle of the living room, when I stoped ranting and just picked them up and put them in the hamper w/o even feeling pissed, it wasn't long before he started doing it himself. When I've stopped resenting a task that just needs to be done and just do it, I find help follows shortly after in one fasion or other. If anything the reward is that you feel less stress and less tired from less stress from trying to get someone else to do the task at hand.

Children learn by example, putting away toys"help mommy put the toys away sweetie", doinglaundry, "want to put the landry in the dryer sweetie?" Sure it may take longer, but you are spending possitive time with your kids and showing a good example. I must be a slave driver since my 16 month old even helps me with the laundry and LOVES IT.

IMO, the downfall of America(ok one of the many) are the video games.

i wish all of you some insite for your individual issues.

[Dov]

It looks like Drifter was the only Dad who replied, the others (probably wisely) didn't dare given Drifter's treatment... I'm an idiot so I'll reply regardless of the inherent risks.

I read Apricot's troll comment differently... I thought she was referring to mum22dd's initial post. (boy, was I way off.. told ya' I was an idiot )

mum22dd's: All I can say is, if I witnessed what you experienced that caused you to post, as a Dad, I'd be pissed too. I feel for ya'.

More generally: I'll admit there have been times where I've been loathe to get off my butt and pitch in. There's been times when there was no excuse whatsoever (due less to my gender and more my own apathy-du-jour) and there have been times when there was an excuse aplenty (being a writer, sometimes I work for 3-4 days straight, all 24 hours worth, except for running the car pool, and even then the laptop comes along for any opportunities). All that aside even, my DW does indeed have a very different definition of "pitching in" than I do.

I choose my battles differently than she does. She can't take the screaming 3.5 year old refusing to whatever it is of the moment he's refusing to do. I can tolerate it a little longer. She calls that not helping out. I call it, not getting stressed over stuff I can't have a prayer of controlling.

However, once I got to be a big boy, I realized that having a cleaned up kitchen (and I'm a gourmet cook so I make a huge mess of the place when I'm creating) and a picked up place and neatly made beds and an empty laundry hamper instead of one spilling into the hallway, is a great way to live. Since then, I've gotten off my butt and taken care of business. Funny thing I get a lot less complaints from the "pitchin' in" police... but it still happens when I least expect it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, and only read this if you want a different POV or advice, sometimes I think guys need to be motivated on their own for their own reasons. Nagging gets a woman nowhere. Find out what'll ignite his passion to help out and light it up. (and I DON'T mean sex, how cliché) That's what did it for me. I had to get as sick of it as she was... only took a few years longer for me to have that "insight"...

Good luck. Sounds like you'll need it.

[mum22dd's]

Actually, I also thought that 'troll alert' was possibly referring to my post, but I didn't know what it meant. Even with Apricot's explanation I still don't really know if it was referring to my post or not. If it was referring to my post I really don't want to come across as a troll, I certainly didn't intend on starting an arguement? Maybe it was my mistake posting in 'dads' and not 'amongst ourselves', because it was a vent and not the desire to argue with other board members.

[Dov]

Venting is a necessary thing sometimes.

[Dov]

ooops..

I forgot to ask, has your situation improved at all? My DW read the thread and punched me in the arm.

Needless to say, I have been much more diligent about keeping up the place for my hardworking work-away-from-home partner. I even got a shocking love note from her propped up against the coffee cup. "Thanks for helping out with the house. I come home and can breathe. I like that."

Your venting helped a dad and a mom have a better life in the last few days.

Dov

[zevulon]

Sounds like you need a vacation--are you breastfeeding? how much time can you be away from your kids? What would happen if you simply told your husband that you are taking a half-day off? What would happen if you say you are sick and take a day off?

I know these aren't solutions, but given what you have described it seems that you need to treat yourself for at least a few hours.

As for solutions, well, I don't know. Some of my friends provide absolutely no help with the kids and I have no idea as to 1) why they would want to be so removed and 2) how they get away with it.

I can't see how an inactive father does anything but hurt his relations with the kids and the wife in the long run...and perhaps there needs to be a frank discussion about this.

As for the idea that staying at home is easier than working...I don't buy it. My work is demanding, stressful, etc. but when I am at work I have incredible freedoms that I don't have at home such as: 1) being able to go to the bathroom whenever I need and not having the door opened on me 7 times 2) not having my lunch spilled on me 3) talking to another adult 4) letting other people pick up their own messes 5) having people actually follow my instructions or requests etc.

Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a break, you seem like you've been earning it. If your man is of fine stuff, he should realise this when you talk.

[sonya_mamafor4]

Another mama in the same situation.When anybody finds something that works let me know.
My husband and I are currently seperated because I couldn't take things anymore and that he thought all he had to do was provide money.Then he did spend hours on the video games and computer.
He actuallly spends more time with the kids now that he isn't here.I still get no help of course,but at least he not around goofing off while I have to do it all by myself.He is doing it somewhere else.
Wish I had some advice.Hang in there.
Sonya

[momto l&a]

and most dinners take 20min or less.

:LOL So very not true unless you are a can and box type of cook but even those meals takes like 40 minutes to cook. To make a good meal from scratch takes at LEAST an hour. Most likely more by the time you get everything preped and taking care of kids will trying to get the meal under way.


My dh is a very helpful man but then again he might be afraid to ever not be helpful I wouldnt put up with with what some of you describe your dh's as.

[rainsmom]

Im so appalled at these dh's that dont participate in their families. Its so sad! I would never have a child with a man like this.....and if I did, I wouldnt stand for it at all. I cant believe this neanderthall thinking.....like we're still living in 1952 or something. ANy one who leaves a man like this is right to do so in my opinion!

I raised a child on my own (I was a widow) and I think it would be alot harder to raise a child on my own, in a home with a father who is not there except to take up space.

What are we teaching our children when we put up with this behavior? It tells a son that its ok to do this, and a daughter to look for a man exactly like this. That alone is enough reason to kick the guy out!


Sorry, touchy subject!

[DreamsInDigital]

My DP is always either at work, on the computer or asleep. Today he got up at 2:30. PM. I told him I haven't had a shower in 3 days and he goes "Oh. Well I have to get ready for work." Cool, I get to hang out in my own filth again. The baby senses every time I consider taking a shower. He wakes up the second I start heading for the bathroom.
The last time DP held the baby was 3 days ago, and it was so I could make him some lunch. DP, not the baby. My 4 year old isn't much help either. Just as I get the baby back to sleep in the morning he gets up.
I know how awful it is doing it alone but not being alone. ARGH.

Ashe, mom to Kolaiah 09/09/03 and Gabriel 04/21/99

[cat_astrophe]

*