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spinoff - anyone else thinking changing your name when you marry is weird? - Page 3

post #41 of 147
DD has my dh's last name. Mainly I did this for a few reasons. I didn't take his name was that it was MY name. My dd didn't have that identity attached to a name yet. Also my dh and I weren't married at the time of her birth and I wanted to reinforce that she was, in fact, his daughter. Mainly for his family.
post #42 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altair
What gets to me is when a woman is really adament that she keep her name-- and then names all the kids with the father's last name! what is the point of only the mom having a different last name, and her name still dying out?

I don't think there is a perfect solution.
I kept my own name and gave my son his father's last name. I didn't change my name so it wouldn't "die out." I simply kept it because it was very closely linked to the identity of the person that I had been for the 31 years before marriage. To change it would have been odd and unsettling.

So, for me, the point of "only the mom" having a different last name in my family is that I'm the only one who was born with one name and being "expected" to change it to another. All the other members of my family can keep the name they were born with so I decided that I would, too

--Olive
post #43 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by annakiss
Does anyone else think it's kinda weird to change your name when you marry? Or am I the only one? ..[/SIZE]
No, you're not the only one but I just think it's kinda weird. I can see that there are reasons for and against it.

Personally, I kept my maiden name, it's who I am, and it's a very rare name. I did offer DH the chance to switch his name to mine, but he wasn't willing. I suggested we would also both hyphenate our names but he preferred not to. So I kept mine, he kept his, fair enough in my view.

Our children have hyphenated names. When they get older, they can choose to use one or both, whatever they prefer.

We called ourselves the _____-_____ family but since our name is over 15 characters long, it's very tough to order specially engraved items...that's the biggest problem with it. Some places only allow 12 characters! But I think we can live with it.

Now, we do know of one couple where the husband took the wife's last name (no children yet). That's neat.
post #44 of 147
i did it--and i still think it's kind of weird, but i'm glad i did it. i'm going to go back and put my maiden name in between my middle name and my married name. at the time i was eager to get rid of the name i was born with for a combination of reasons.
post #45 of 147
Heck yeah, I think it's weird. 'Course, I'm single, never married, so what do I know? Do I think it's wrong? Of course not. But weird, definitely - so you get together with this guy, and suddenly change your name? At what other life event is it so common for you to change your official legal name? (Adoption, if you're the adopted child, I suppose, but other than that?)

Really not sure that if Mr. Right does choose to make an appearance that I'll be changing to Mrs. Right. We'll just have to see about that.
post #46 of 147
No flaming but I do not think it is weird to change a name. I did for a while. I kept my birth name (I was never a maiden!) for two years. I never truly felt married with my birth name. We had lived together for 9 years before marriage so what changed? It did not seem like a big change until we had the same name. Now, I feel like we are a unit. Plus, I find it too hard to remember names when families have more than one. It gets confusing. I taught elementary school for 10 years before dd and I got used to just calling the parents by their first names only.

New names sound kind of cool to me but then how do you choose?

In the end, I think it is great just to be able to choose what you want to do. It was not too long ago that women did not have this right at all.
post #47 of 147
Yes, I think it's very odd that at this late date women still do this.

I realize that "my" last name is really my father's name, but through all these years, I've made it mine. I kept it, and one of our kids has my last name and the other has dh's.
post #48 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by boongirl
No flaming but I do not think it is weird to change a name. I did for a while. I kept my birth name (I was never a maiden!) for two years. I never truly felt married with my birth name. We had lived together for 9 years before marriage so what changed? It did not seem like a big change until we had the same name. Now, I feel like we are a unit. Plus, I find it too hard to remember names when families have more than one. It gets confusing. I taught elementary school for 10 years before dd and I got used to just calling the parents by their first names only.

New names sound kind of cool to me but then how do you choose?

In the end, I think it is great just to be able to choose what you want to do. It was not too long ago that women did not have this right at all.

Why not take your name if you want a unified name?
post #49 of 147
My name isn't chaged and ds has my dh's last name. However, he has my name as his middle name. My mom did the same thing ( never chaged her name, and gave me and my siblings her name as our middle). I always felt like I was connected name wise to both parents. I actually do wish that we would all do a hyphenated family name, but dh won't do it. He has no problem with me keeping my name, but won't change his. I think he thinks his will get made fun of or something. Oh well!
What is really weird to me is when people get married and the woman becomes Mrs. Dave Mathews or whatever. It seems like the woman's whole identity has been stripped.
post #50 of 147
Yes, it doesn't make sense to me, other than it often makes it easier to determine if people are married. I planned not to change mine, but I ended up doing it anyway. Still seems weird though.

It also seems weird what people assume about roles in the household. We moved cross country a number of years ago because of my husband's job, and there were several people in company who made the move. At a family picnic I was talking to the girlfriend of my husband's coworker, and it came out that my husband owns 5 of the same shirts and just wears them over and over. The gf remarked that she felt sorry for me because I must be doing laundry all the time. It honestly made no sense to me. We both worked out of the house, why in the heck would I do his laundry??? And why would she just automatically assume that I would?
post #51 of 147
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boingo82
I am not a fan of hyphenating. TOO MANY LETTERS. And what happens when you're 4 generations into hyphenating?
I have always loved my hyphenated name. What we did for our children was to choose 2 names to hyphenate of the 3 available. We didn't want to do all 3. Our kids each have a first name, a middle name, and a hyphenated last name (a Ukrainian-Mexican name at that! You can just imagine!). I think it's fun that DS1's full name has 31 letters and that DS2's has 29. I really do think it's cool.
post #52 of 147
I kept my name, my son has my husband's last name, and my daughter has my last name.

Really, it's not that confusing.

My last name is special to me because it is a nice name (Valentine), and my father died soon before I was married. I have no brothers, and wanted to continue the name.

My husband offered to change his name, but he is his dad's only son, and I wanted him to keep his name.

My mother-in-law sends me packages labeled "Mrs. Husband's full name", which used to bother me, but I think it is habit for her, and she is older (mid-seventies). She is totally cool in every other way.

However, if my last name were Snerkle (no offense to any Snerkles), I would have probably jumped at the chance to change it.

L.
post #53 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by annakiss
I have always loved my hyphenated name. What we did for our children was to choose 2 names to hyphenate of the 3 available. We didn't want to do all 3. Our kids each have a first name, a middle name, and a hyphenated last name (a Ukrainian-Mexican name at that! You can just imagine!). I think it's fun that DS1's full name has 31 letters and that DS2's has 29. I really do think it's cool.
I probably am biased..I don't like it because when you send in your scout honor photos or missionary photos or birthday photos or whatever for me to scan in for the newspaper, that's more letters than I can fit in the filename! Then the computer gets annoyed and so do I.
post #54 of 147
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boingo82
I probably am biased..I don't like it because when you send in your scout honor photos or missionary photos or birthday photos or whatever for me to scan in for the newspaper, that's more letters than I can fit in the filename! Then the computer gets annoyed and so do I.
Well then it's a good thing that I don't send in photos to the newspaper! I am annoyed that they haven't started making computer programs more able to hold longer names as I think they're common enough to require it.
post #55 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by annakiss
Well then it's a good thing that I don't send in photos to the newspaper! I am annoyed that they haven't started making computer programs more able to hold longer names as I think they're common enough to require it.
I still remember the days of 8-character filenames, so I think we're doing pretty well. :LOL
post #56 of 147
I think it's uberweird ... now. Back when I married DH I didn't think about it, though, I just went with the flow.

Even if I'd given more thought to it, I personally would probably have elected to change my name. My "old" name for me is linked not only to a mother I hate (yeah, it's my father's name originally but he didn't raise me) but to my identity as total, ostracized garbage all through middle and high schools. I was glad to escape it. To this day I do not even answer to the same form of my first name as I grew up with. Yeah, I know, I have issues about names.
post #57 of 147
I kept my last name, dh kept his, Simon has dh's last name as one of his middle names and my last name. Dh might change over to mine at some point in the future, but probably not. We agreed that the first born would have my last name, the second his, and so on. We didn't want to do it by sex. I can see men agreeing to that b/c they don't really expect their daughters to pass on their last name anyway... it is the boys that they think are going to do that. And... this "gotta have a boy to pass on the last name" thing that I still hear about now and then really disturbs me.

Lacking sleep here so this isn't very well articulated.

This is a complex issue. My sister will probably take on her husband's name and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings over that or make her think that I think she's making a stupid decision. That is one option and it can be arrived at for good reasons. I know that I'm not comfortable with it for myself -- I would be embarassed to admit it to anyone, and ditto to tell anyone if Simon had dh's last name. I'd worry that they'd think I was some kind of sell-out or hypocrite even though feminism is supposed to support women. That's just me though. Seriously.
post #58 of 147
I think it's odd. Who gets to keep their last name and who gets to change??

Two friends of mine who got married (well...sorta, not legally but, well, you know) chose a family last-name. Their name is Bond. I think it's a terrific idea, and a great compromise. And it unifies them in a really beautiful way.
post #59 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by boingo82
I don't think it's weird.
. . . do not see it as this big symbolic "ownership" thing - if changing to my DH's name means he "owns" me, then I guess my dad owned me first, huh?

I am not a fan of hyphenating. TOO MANY LETTERS. And what happens when you're 4 generations into hyphenating?
I never had any intention of changing, for feminist and aesthetic reasons, and was amazed that my changing was so important to my husband. It had never occurred to me, since all men I had ever spoken to about this acted like possessive jerks, that a good man might hope to offer a precious treasure of protection and family identity to the woman he loves.

Nonetheless, there was no way I was changing my last name! My full name is my identity, and he was unable to consider changing or hyphenating his.

We eventually had to go into therapy over this, when we began trying to conceive, as I was also having no part of the "kids get daddy's name" game. There was no way -- again -- that I was going to end up adrift in my own family, the only one with the "different" last name. The solution we reached was that each of us would retain our surnames, the baby's last name would be hyphenated, and we would choose a family middle name -- give it to the baby, change mine, and add one to husband (he had no middle name originally). This suits us well; in addition to making us feel that we are all cool and inventive, we also feel like we have this groovy family identity that is private just among us and those we choose to tell.

To respond to the 2 paragraphs above:

But it IS a symbol, a reminder of the historical practice of ownership -- that's what the whole "giving away" part of the wedding ceremony is about. And yes the surnames of most of us women who retain our names are our father's surnames, but we have to start somewhere.

As far as hyphenating being "too many letters," we decided not to worry about what *might* happen when our son partners up but instead to give him the name that felt right to us now. He may come up with a totally creative solution; he may never have children; who knows what will happen in the future? Again, it's OK to start somewhere.
post #60 of 147
I think it's weird. I didn't become someone else when I married dh, so it never occurred to me to change my name.

I've been married for 24 years. It was still fairly uncommon at that point to not change your name. The little old ladies who did the marriage licenses at the town hall were aghast. They kept trying to get me to change my mind and threatened me that I would have no end of problems if I didn't. :LOL In 24 years, I've yet to have any difficulty about it at all.
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