Dealing graciously with "I want" when shopping

[nuggetsmom]

When we go to the store, be it grocery, hardware, Target, my 4yo wants to get everything she sees. I realize that sometimes we say yes since it seems like a reasonable request (I want to get strawberries- Oh OK!) but sometimes it is just annoying to have to say no all the time. I get her involved in what we are looking for and if she can find it but she still sees all sorts of things she wants, or rather thinks she wants.
Of course never saying yes would be great but my DH is simply not that strong (he feels like her request for a certain sponge is reasonable even though we didn't need a sponge). And like I said, sometimes she makes a reasonable request.
So is there a way to say no without constantly saying no?

[Momsteader]

We 'add it to our list'. My 9 yo when he was younger would actually tap his temple like he was 'adding' it to his brain list

When they ask for something, we look at it....maybe talk about it for a minute (depending on how much time we have) and then I remind them that we aren't here to get x item, but they should add it to their list for later!

Usually....most items are forgotten but the ones they REALLY want are 'added' multiple times and we might talk about them other times like for what they want for birthday or Christmas, etc.

It's not saying 'no' and it's not saying 'yes' and it's not saying 'I'll think about it'. It's just delaying it and you can decide what are really I wants

I even will do it in front of them....or they'll remind ME to add things to my 'list'! It's great for delaying gratification for adult shopping too You can decide if you REALLY need it or not!

[SagMom]

We talk about what we're planning on buying before we go out. Especially if money is tight (which it usually is.)

I remember food shopping with my first child when he was around that age. As I walked around adding things to the cart that were on my list, he looked up at me and asked, "How come YOU get to pick everything you want?" Hearing how he viewed things was an eye-opener. He had a point, yk?

So, I just involved him more in the shopping. It wasn't really that he wanted to buy his own list of stuff, at that age he just wanted to, literally, put things in the cart. So, I'd say, "Should we get some bananas?" and if he said "yes" then he'd go and get them. (If he said "No" I'd decide that *I* wanted them and I'd get them. )

I found that the more I involved the kids in the shopping and the budgeting and decision making, the easier it was.

[**guest**]

i have been thinking about this as well.

we developed a nasty habit of going into a dollar store : -- many things there we get on her request. she usually has good arguments on why she needs this or that, and i think it is important for her to express her needs and for me to respect them. and it IS only a dollar :

or when we go to a thrift store, i let her choose.

now the problem developed -- we are in another store, she is trying to convince me that she really needs a stroller for her teddy bear, because he likes to watch what is going on, and he can't always see well from the sling, and he is bored there etc -- all logical and pretty valid, only her teddy bear is a TOY :LOL and the stroller is $50. but how to explain to her that her teddy's needs are not the same as her baby brother's needs? to her they are the same, eh?

also, in toy stores *i* can get excited and want something for her. so how do i explain that i am willing to spend $30 on a construction set, but not on a pink horse?

what has been working so far is to discuss what things we are going to buy in the store before we come in. sometimes i tell her that we would only look, won't buy anything. she can carry things and walk with them in the store, but she can't buy them. sometimes i tell her in advance that we will buy only what *i* need.

i also made a distinction between thrift stores and other stores. in other stores we can buy things that we cannot always find in thrift stores -- like lego, construction sets, games. soft toys can be bought only from thrift stores and we try to donate on of ours back if we buy a new one (key word -- 'try' but we are working on it).

if she wants something in a store i tell her how much it costs and that it is too expencive (i know she does not fully grasp is, but i still think it is the best explanation) and that we can try to find something similar in a thrift store or dollar store.

if it is groceries, i might tell her that i don't know how to cook it, and tell her that if she is really interested we can find a recipee and get it next time.

i don't simply say 'no', but i also start an elaborate and truthful explanation with all the reasons, and i offer alternatives.

it works reasonably well. some times she surprises me with 'oh, okay'. sometimes she is resisting, but huge meltdowns have been rare lately.

but i struggle with not being able to fully explain why some things that are important to her are okay to buy, and some are not. i mean i do explain, but it is too abstract -- money, lack of money, too expencive. oh well.

[johub]

First of all I'd leave DH at home when shopping! LOL
Even if parents have different expectations, and only one is consistent, the child will learn. (but probably apply it only when they are with that parent)
My dh likes to buy my ds a candy bar whenever they go out. I never do. He doesnt ask me. And if he does ask me, I just say "no that's not good for our bodies." and he accepts it.
His grandma also pretty much buys him whatever he wants when they are out together. But he knows I wont. If he asks for a particular toy for instance, I tell him we will put it on his christmas list.
Joline

[lilyka]

Shopping for food is different than stuff. we add food stuff all the time because it isn't like it matters if we have apples or paears or both. They know we don't get junk but if they make a rasonable request I am open.

Stuff on the other hand is a whole nother story. we don't usually get any thing by way of stuff unless it is on our list. Sometimes we talk about wouldn't it be fun, why, what wopuld you do with it etc and basically just daydream about geting it when we don't. Sometimes I tell them it would fine for them to buy that with thier own money if they wan to save up, can remember next time whatever. Sometimes i just say no. Sometimes they get a lecture about consuming too much and the environment and advertising and such. they either learn stuff or don't dare ask for anything again :LOL and very occiaisionally they do make a reasonable request to upgrade smething on our list or my older two are getting pretty good at shopping the clearance racks and know I am a sucker for a deal

[SeekingSimplicity]

My dd is four also. I use the “add it to your wishlist” technique as CrunchyClark mentioned previously.

[Denise K]

My best trick is never going to target! :LOL Really, I try to stay out of those places, they make me nuts. This means we can be out of light bulbs a long time.....

What I do when I go is I ALWAYS make a list, to keep from getting dazed by the endlessness of stuff to buy, and I agree with myself that I will not buy anything that isn't on my list. Much saner. Anyway, when I take DS (which I try not to), I'll tell him in advance that we are only buying what's on our list. I love the wishlist idea--that would fit right in.

For grocery store stuff, I often ask his opinion about meals and what food he'd like, and get his help selecting in the store. And I usually let him decide on some kind of snack--bulk bins make this cheap and low-volume--and he can think about that while we are doing the other shopping. "Well, DS, do you want to buy buckwheat pancake mix for your treat, or would you rather stick with the granola idea?" He knows, I think, that I don't impulse-buy much, so he saves most of his begging for DH.

[mamalisa]

We actually started giving ds an allowance for his "wants". So far he's only used it on a few small things, but he knows that if there is something he "has" to have he has to save for it. Dh and I realized that we were totally to blame for his greediness because everytime we went somewhere we were picking something up for him. The allowance has made a huge impact on that. He even offers to use it for things that I would pay for, like crickets for his pet frog. He does have a wish list in his head (I can't imagine how he remembers it all) and those things he's keeping in mind for "when he needs a new toy".

In the grocery store there's very little that I say no to, only because he cries over getting things like mangoes. How can you really say no to a kid who is crying over a mango?? He did scam dh into some ice cream sandwiches a few days ago but that's a special treat and he rarely asks for any sort of treat besides gum.

[Momalea]

My dd is almost 5 and we've had issues with her wanting to buy stuff off and on for a couple of years. We've tried a variety of methods over the years (and currently) to deal with this.

If it's close (meaning about two months prior) to her birthday or Christmas she'll usually be satisfied with putting it on a list. I keep the list with me so that she knows it's getting written down and not forgotten.

Sometimes it works to clarify before entering a store what we're going to buy (ex. we're looking for a sunhat that fits you well), or that we're just looking today.

Sometimes it works (for instance if we're going to a toy or bookstore to buy something for another child) to give her $5 to spend on whatever she wants. I have qualms about this one. If she picks out something junky for $5 is that better than picking out something of better quality for $10?

She loves balloons, so sometimes it'll work to get her a balloon while we're out.

At the grocery store she has a fixation on these vegan mini donuts and I have completely given in to this desire. It is not worth fighting it. Once a week she can have 2 mini donuts and eat them immediately (once we've bought them). As long as she has them in hand, she could care less about all other shopping items. It makes life a little easier.

I have a friend who simply didn't take her dd to ANY store for 6 months because she couldn't stand the constant begging/hassling/whining. It worked for them, but then her dh works at home, they live rural, and they had the flexibility to do it.

Mainly, I'm okay with saying "no" to her and sticking to it once it's been said. My dh has a much harder time saying "no" though. It's harder for me if I haven't decided what the parameters are going to be before we enter the store.

[onlyzombiecat]

When we go grocery shopping we all get to pick 1 treat item. Dd knows this and has to pick just one thing. If she sees something else she would have to put what she already picked out back to get the new thing. We stick pretty close to our list otherwise. I ask her if there is anything she would like to get at the store when I am making the grocery list so she is involved in the process. It seems to help in that situation.

In stores like Target we explain before we go in the store if dd can get something or if she can not. That helps. If we can't afford to get something we will say no or not today and explain why. If dd is asking for something but got something recently we will probably remind her that she just got x and will have to wait until next payday (every 2 weeks) to get something else. I guess we limit the number of non-necessary items per payday.

We might talk about the thing she likes and what she likes about it and write it down so we don't forget it.

If dd has money she can use her money to buy what she wants.
Have you considered giving your child an allowance to use for the things she wants? Then it is not you saying no all the time but her managing her money.

[CarrieMF]

When my oldest was alot younger I did have a bad habit of buying them a treat each time we went shopping, I've put a stop to that so most of the time they don't ask for anything or if they do and I say no it's the end of it.

My oldest is 6 and during the school year doesn't come shopping with us because she's in school. When she does come and wants a food item depending on what it is I'll either say yes or no, or tell her next time maybe we can get it. If it's a toy, using the maybe you'll get it for Xmas/Bday(now that she understand that Maybe isn't the same as Yes), or I'll ask her how much money she has. If she has to pay for it with her own money, suddenly it isn't as important to get it. Because she does not go shopping with us much, I will ask her if there is anything she wants me to buy for her lunches/snacks so she still has some input.

My 4yo & 3yo don't ask often. While we are shopping I tell them that if they see anything they think we need to let me know and I'll decide. Sometimes they'll get a treat, other times they don't. If they're hungry or it's close to snack time, usually I'll buy them something to eat when we get home while I'm hauling things in to keep them out of my hair.

[supervee]

If I know it's going to be a "gimme" kind of place I give DS $1 or $2 and help him find something for that. And a math lesson!

[meowmix]

My 4 yr old and 2 yr old do it, too. If they say they want something and I am not inclined to get it for them I usually just nod my head and say "Oh...". They aren't always actually WANTING something right then, they just want it at some point (like for a birthday or xmas is a big request). Saying "oh" usually works for me and if it doesn't I just say that we're here to get (insert items here) and we're not getting anything else. They aren't always happy about it, but they deal.

[nuggetsmom]

These are some great strategies and I guess I do some of them already. I guess in the grocery store we get to pick out a treat at the very end. Usually I show her two things and she picks one. If it is really junk I explain why not.
DH took her to the hardware store the other day and there he really ran into trouble with her. He kind of took her just to give me a break from her which was nice but now we have a bunch of stuff we don't need and no lightbulbs (I forgot to add them to the list).
At least I am not the only one who has to say no no no all the time.

[TiredX2]

We use "add it to your list."

We also start allowances at very young ages. Our kids are generally perfectly fine w/out getting stuff when they are reminded they can always buy it with their own money if it is important to them.