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I'm just so angry right now!

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
I just got a check for child support from my kids' dad. Why why WHY does he have to mess with the amount we agreed to almost every stupid time? He just takes money out for every little thing. "Oh, I bought dd a dress, so I took the amount out of the check." "Oh, well they missed that one day at day camp so I took the money out." (As if the day camp actually charged me less in that situation!!!)

In the 8 years since we've been divorced, I've received maybe 1/3 of the money he was court ordered to pay for the support of HIS children. But he treats me as if it was charity or something! So now, I have $220 worth of school supplies to pay for, and he chooses this time to start skimping. He takes money out for every little thing, but can I ask for more if I have big expenses like school supplies? Of course not! He just laughs at me and says, "That's what the child support is for!" Because of this, I have to go down to one of the places in town that is giving away school supplies to needy children, but I know I won't get anywhere if I talk to him about this.

I am just so incredibly frustrated with this right now. I've been threatening for 3 years now to take him back to court for a new order and I guess I'm gonna have to do it. I just want to get along. We share two great kids and I know in my heart that they're always better off if we get along with each other, but I have to keep the electricity on and food on the table.

Thank goodness, my husband will be home from his internship soon and hopefully will get a good job before Christmas. Then at least I won't be so dependent on the money I get from their dad.

When we got divorced, I had the c/s amount mandated by the court lowered because I felt like ex would have a hard time living on what was left. Now, though, the situation has changed and I'm just gonna let the court take what they say is right. He's married now and he has a much higher paying job than he did back when we divorced.

Sorry if I rambled. I'm so upset. I'm most upset about how my kids will feel about us going to court and the tension it will create. I'd sooner just keep the whole court thing secret from them, but my ex won't do that. He has a tendency to tell them things that are inappropriate since he thinks of them as much older than they are.

Off to get the names of some lawyers from my friends. Sigh.
post #2 of 9
Well, that just really sucks! Kinda sad that he thinks the child support is the only money he can give to his children. If he wants to spend extra money (ie, a dress etc), that's in addition to every cent of child support, IMO. How sad that he nickels and dimes when it comes to his own children.

I spend every cent of my paycheck on my kids, and don't look back. My check goes to groceries and anything else we need/want while we're out.

Dss's biomom seems to be this way too. If she takes dss to McDonald's for dinner, you can bet she'll give us 1 less $20 that week. (if she gives us anything at all).

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck!
post #3 of 9
It's true that it's best for your kids if the two of you can get along, but that doesn't mean you should let him walk all over you!!

The kids may be upset right now if you go back to court, but as they get older, they'll figure out what's gone on.
post #4 of 9
why don't you have the d a tak ethe money directly from his check?
post #5 of 9
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by danalyn1972
why don't you have the d a tak ethe money directly from his check?
Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll have it written in the new order that way.
post #6 of 9
Quote:
He just takes money out for every little thing. "Oh, I bought dd a dress, so I took the amount out of the check."
um, no. That's not how child support works. Child support is help you provide food, clothing and shelter for the kids. He doesn't get to say how it's spent or change the amount because he buys something.

Get yourself a lawyer now. Explain exactly what he is doing , you're probably entitled to back CS to cover the difference! And CS can cover more then money. My ex was responsible for his monetary CS and providing insurance plus half of all daycare expenses.

I hate it when parents play the ever changing CS game. It's insane, what they aren't responsible for the cost of raiing children since they're no longer married? You divorce your spouse NOT your kids.
post #7 of 9
Does your state have a child support agency or department? Here (CA) it can be taken out of checks or they write the check to the agency to disperss it so no one can take the money out and short change you. That is terrible!
post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 
Thanks, everybody, for your advice.

Last night, I went to NM's child support enforcement bureau website and filed for services. They'll look at all the financial data and determine an appropriate amount (the $ amount hasn't changed in 8 years) and set everything up so his wages are garnished and they'll send a check directly to me. I dragged my feet on this for several years, but I guess I finally just got mad and frustrated enough to do it. I thought it would piss him off, and when I told him tonight what I did, he was angry, but better him than me for a change!

I feel OK about it. I just feel like he and I shouldn't talk about money. It's not good for anyone. It's not good for the kids to see him giving me money (He ALWAYS manages to give it to me in front of the kids.), and I hate hate hate asking for it every time. This, at least, will remove all of that tension between us.

My DH is so proud of me for doing this! He's been great about not pushing me, but I know this is what he's wanted me to do for a long time.

I just have to say it: this is a miserable way to parent. I hate it for all of us. I have a very hard time getting past the guilt I feel for having children with a man who was so very wrong for me. Of course, my kids wouldn't be the same people they are if they didn't have the parents they do, so I can't exactly regret it. I guess it's the fact that I love those two kids right down to my bones that makes it so awful. It's just so hard and so painful sometimes and it really scares me.

Eventually, I guess I'll have to face my real fear, which has nothing to do with money. Whether my ex ever gives me another dime, my kids won't go hungry. I'm not too proud to go to the food pantry and get a box from them. It's their safety. He just doesn't worry. My daughter almost drowned two weeks ago because ex let the kids play in a fast-running river and she got caught in the current. A stranger pulled her out, and ex wasn't anywhere around. On the same trip, he let them drive ATVs (they're 9 and 11!), without helmets, no less! These are only the most recent incidences; there have been many others and it's been getting worse as they get older. This nagging fear has been kicking my butt since they were born and it's not going to go away any time soon. I've discussed all this with a family lawyer, and there's nothing I can do.

Powerlessness sucks.
post #9 of 9
Yes, being powerless does suck. But if your ex isn't going to be in charge of your kids safety, they need to be. No it's not fair and it's not right but life isn't always fair. At their ages they are old enough to be informed of the dangers of playing in a fast moving river and riding w/o a helmet. You are the one that has to inform them and put them in charge of keeping each other safe.

I go through a similiar situation with my dd ( 11) and my ex. She has told her dad several times 'Thanks for the offer Dad, but I'm riding w/o a helmet. I like my brain inside my skull.' And has declined other dangerous situations simply because she knows it's not safe.
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