toddler separation probs/Montessori rigidity?

[mavery]

Hi Mamas,
My ds (almost 22 mos.) just started yesterday in a Montessori school, just going 9am-12.30. We've been totally attached, he still bfs a lot and we co-sleep etc. so I knew he wouldn't find it easy to begin with, but I am a grad student and have now taken almost 2 years away from my PhD and can't afford (financially and career-wise) to take any longer.

The first day he ran into school (I'd really talked it up and he was excited) and never looked back, though once he figured out he would be without me for a while he cried on and off through the morning. Today the staff told me he cried 15-20 mins and then was mostly fine, though he still cried when I came to pick him up.

The teachers think he's doing well - but 15-20mins of crying is a HUGE thing for him, he's pretty much never cried for that long. And my heart is breaking when I think of his grief at my suddenly not being there for him all the time. He clearly loves the activities and people - when I come to pick him up, he wants me to come back to the classroom with him.

Part of my problem is that school policy means I can't go to his classroom with him, and I feel really uneasy leaving him when he's crying so hard and not being able to watch how the teachers respond to him, or how he's behaving once he's settled down.

I don;t even know what I'm asking here. Maybe just for some support, or some advice about how to ease the transition, or on how I'll know if this school is not the right place for us? I just feel so sad. Do I just need to go through this? Will it get easier? The teachers seem very warm and caring, but I just wonder now if he would have been better in a home daycare or other more intimate setting.

[lauren]

I'm afraid I'm not a Montessori parent and I haven't had this experience. But I have always wondered why M. schools have this policy. As a parent it would drive me crazy, and I'm not an anxious clingy mom either. What do they say when you ask them about it? I know it is widespread in M. schools but I don't understand why. :

[mavery]

I forget exactly what they said when we looked round the school, but the classrooms are small and I can imagine it would be disruptive to have parents coming in, especially more than one at a time (which would be bound to happen at drop-off). I also think it has to do with the emphasis on the children "working" and concentrating on their activities.

I think tomorrow I'm going to insist on at least being able to peek through the door to see how he's doing. It's not that I don't believe the teachers when they say he's fine, I just need to see what they think "fine" is.... Is he actually happy or just not bawling?

[lauren]

I don't think this is just at your school though, I think it is a Montessori thing. I have learned that from this forum. If you do a search you will see that others have posted similar concerns.

[mavery]

Right, I meant that with the thing about concentrating on work etc. They seem so focused on order and calm in the classroom and on separating from parents - I think that may be the Montessori-wide reasoning, but perhaps someone else knows better.

[yogamama]

I think Montessori focuses on the child being independant (I have a close friend who is a Montessori teacher) and sometimes that can be a bit extreme.

I would be VERY uncomfortable with leaving a crying 22 month old, but if you like the school otherwise it may be something that you will just need to cope with during the transition. I'm sure it will get easier as the days pass.

Hang in there!
Kathleen

[momto1QT]

mavery, I can totally relate to you! My DD will be starting a montessori school next month in the toddler class ( she just turned 2) and I have so many of the fears and concerns you just expressed. We have not had our orientation yet, but just through observation I believe our school has the same policy that a parent cannot go in the classroom with the child. I'm sure the school will provide me with more information on this policy prior to the start of school.

It's so hard to think of our children sad and upset, especially when they're away from us. I keep mentally preparing for the worst, because I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to handle it if /when dd starts bawling when she realizes I'm leaving
I think that if you're really uncomfortable, even in light of their policy, you should speak with the teacher and see if you can "peek in" like you said. Any new situation like this is going to have an adjustment period for you and your ds, and it sounds like he does like it there. It's going to take a little time. Also, I know the teacher in my DD's class said that if you as the parent are feeling anxious about sending them to school, the child will pick up on that anxiety and it will be harder to separate.

I don't know if any of what I said helped but I just wanted to give support! Good luck and keep us posted and let us know how things are going.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Hi,

In traditional montessori schools, this is indeed how it works - parents are expected to say good-bye at the door. At the same time, in traditional montessori schools, children are rarely accepted before 2 years 9 months. I didn't enroll my daughter until 3 years 6 months because it was then that I felt she was ready for separation (and heck, it luckily coincided with me finally finding a good job to pay for it). Is he in a five day a week program? Do they let children stay there past noon-12:30 if the parents wish? Most traditional programs would also not let a child stay past noon if he were under 4 or 5.

The reason for it is that the classroom is supposed to be the children's space alone, without parents to pester or harrass or interfere with what they need to do alone and with their friends, and to spare some of the drama of separation...they're very big into routines. So, this way, the child knows, at 9:00 every morning I know my mom will say good-bye to me at the door, and she will return every afternoon at 12:00 at the door. I know it sounds totally harsh to people here at MDC, but not all homes are like ours, and some really push or harass the kids.

However, it sounds like your program is not the most traditional in other aspects, they're flexible. So why can't they be flexible with your toddler's needs, I would ask? He is not as old as most children are when they start, so he will have different needs. If it doesn't feel right, then I would probably look somewhere else and return when he was older. I would mention exactly how you feel here (i.e. you would personally feel more comfortable if you could observe, and that he very much wants to share his classroom with you), and hope for an empathetic answer. He's just a little guy!

[mavery]

Thanks for your replies. I had a talk with his teacher (he was so sad this morning when I dropped him off, I ended up in tears too and she asked if I wanted to talk). She told me he really is fine most of the time (and let me peek through the door to reassure myself - he was happily involved with a group of children and a shape-sorter 10mins after I left him) but that the crying/separation issue is just one that kids have to go through at this age. Well, maybe that's true but I feel sure there's a gentler way to do it. The school is clearly fixed on this, there's no way I can arrive early and spend time with him etc. etc.

When I picked him up today he didn't cry, he proudly came to the door carrying his dirty diapers and started talking about a painting on the wall in the hallway. That helped (though I'd already wasted most of the morning crying). The fact that he's clearly enjoying the experience a lot once he settles in means I think we'll keep with it for now - but I wish there was some way to make the mornings easier! Today he started crying on and off in the car on the way to school. I just don't know how to help him (or me) deal with it. The head of the school gave me a sheet with a bunch of tips for drop-off but nothing that really helped me (stuff like "be gentle but firm", "be consistent").

I'm wondering whether to have dh drop him off, or whether it would help to arrive early and take a walk around the school with me (I doubt that one would work) or...????? What?

[lauren]

Are you allowed to give him an object to keep you close to him? Such as a lovey or a piece of cloth with your 'fragrance' on it? (in the psychological world this is known as a 'transitional object'--something that helps a child transition away from mama).

[mykidsmom3]

I think that leaving them is so hard especially when they are sad! I have a hard time leaving mine even when they don't cry! My oldest son started a regular Kindergarten this year and my middle is in pre-k in a montessori classroom. Actually both classes have the no walk in policiy- I think that many schools do. I taught elementary school before having my children and my experience is that when parents walk the children in, the children generally cry longer and harder. It is more difficult for the parent to "de tach" and it gets other children upset as well. Also, some parents want to chat with the teacher which is distracting and takes time away from what she needs to be doing. It is so difficult for parents to understand (even me) but I do know from my experience that you really have to make rules like that for many reasons and stick to them. My son's kindergarten teacher had them make magnets for the fridge on their first day of school. The magnetswere a trace of their hand and had a little poem on it about how we could give them a kiss on their hand that they could hold all day long and think about it when they got lonely or something like that. It was cute and kind of a neat thing to do with him. I think it usually is harder for us than it is for them. I guess this doesn't really give you and help or ideas but maybe it gives you a little support

[Kirsten]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time; I would have a hard time with that too. I have a lot of friends whose kids have gone to Montessori. I personally can't send my kids to preschool before they are three - and since M starts earlier (and for a variety of other reasons) we don't do that. Where I live M is very expensive - could you hire a sitter to come to your house and watch him on his own turf while he is little?

[anotherKatrina]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I don't think this is a Montessori thing...I think it's an individual school thing. My 2.5 yo daughter just started in her toddler class today. Our school does a phase-in period and I was given some Montessori literature to read about why the phase-in period was so important.

Basically, the parent accompaines the child to class and sits quietly in a chair while the toddler explores the room. This happens for some number of days in a row. When we think the child is ready, the parent comes in and sits for awhile, then kisses the child goodbye and promises to come back in like, 30 minutes. After a few days of that going well, the parent says goodbye at the door, but is ready to come back sooner if the child is distressed. Eventually, the little one is happy to say goodbye at the door and is fine for the whole class time.

I realize this doesn't help you any. I just wanted to share that not all Montessori schools are the same...

I know it's hard (my oldest had a similar experience at a non-M school), but if he settles in and starts playing shortly after you leave, then he really should be okay. Give it some more time. If this is not the right place or time for him, you'll know in a few weeks.

Take care,
Katrina

[mavery]

His school doesn't allow transitional objects, which I tend to think borders on sadism. But he's never had a lovey anyway, so I don't know if introducing one now would help or not.

I've been trying to think of ways to ease him into school in the morning while staying more or less with the school policies. These are some things I came up with. If anyone has any experience with any of these, good or bad, or has any other suggestions I'd love to know:

- taking him to the door of his class (against the rules but I suspect might be accepted if I arrive early) to peek inside, remember and talk about the fun things he's going to do before actually leaving him with his teacher
- arriving early and taking a walk around the school, sitting on a bench to chat and just have a few calm minutes before we go in (though maybe this would just prolong the agony)
- having dh drop him off so he's already said goodbye to me at home and gets to show his dad his cool new school

[lauren]

Oh dear, I have to say that I would have concerns about a school that does not allow children less than 2 to have transitional objects....

[flyingspaghettimama]

See, this is another problem. At most Montessori schools, objects from home aren't allowed. I'm really happy with this at older ages - it means less toys and yugio trading cards and play guns and Bratz dolls being brought to school. No sharing and fighting problems over special toys. If children do bring stuff, it gets put up for safety until the child's ready to leave, and they're not allowed to have it during classtime.

But with younger children, it's different - attachment objects are different than a pokemon action figure. Although I guess the toddlers especially could get into fights over the toys or objects that are special. I sometimes just really don't know how I feel about very young children in a traditional Montessori environment. It's probably a school-wide policy and not aimed at "transition objects" per se, but anything from home.

Ahhh, when Montessori comes into conflict with the real, modern world...it's why we waited, and it seems that a school that works with younger children might be more flexible.

If he does seem very happy though, you might try some of your ideas consistently for a week or so (i.e. the walk around the school); and try something else the next week. Maybe give him a choice: would you like it better if I drop you off right away or stay around for 5 minutes first? (and have a timer or stopwatch so he can see 5 mins). Maybe giving him more of a feeling of control over the situation?

[mavery]

Thanks for the suggestions, loraeileen.
Today was quite a bit better. Partly because he's getting used to it, but also I think the following two things helped:

(1) We arrived earlyish in the drop-off period and sat outside on a bench together. We talked about the things he would do at school. He could see the school administrator popping her head in and out, welcoming other children, and after a few minutes he chose to get up and walk into school.
Unfortunately he tripped on the doormat so he still cried, but he walked off with his teacher as soon as he got in rather than clinging to me. At his request, we sat on the bench for a few minutes when I picked him up and chatted about his day and nursed a little.

(2) We made a covert transitional object. I cut a small piece off an old receiving blanket, wore it in my shirt for a while and then put a "special kiss" on it while we sat outside school, folded it up and put it in his pocket. He seemed to like that and when I picked him up I asked him if he still had the special kiss and he smiled and patted his pocket. I doubt he even remembered it was there in between, but it made drop-off and pick-up seem a little gentler (to me for sure, and I think for him too).

I agree the school is not perfect for him at this age, but it's the best place I've found and he clearly likes it a lot - they're just very inflexible on the transition issue. But I think we're working with it and he'll do fine there.

[wednesday]

Individual schools are very different. My son, also 22 months, just started at a Montessori preschool as well. At our school they had three days of adjustment where parents could come in with the child, sit in the classroom or go to the playground, and stay as long as they want. We spent about 2 hours the first day and DS tried every toy in the classroom and everything on the playground. By the end he was really liking it and even gave his teacher a spontaneous hug. We all left together then so he was not ever left behind. The second day was today and we spent about an hour with him in the classroom, then I left and DH just stayed for a while. Tomorrow we are going to go again for an hour or so and leave him by himself for a short while. Then Monday the regular program begins where we will leave him for the day (we need fulltime care in addition to the morning preschool program). I don't think our school ever expects you to just drop them at the door, tho. When I observed the classroom last spring I saw parents come in the classroom with their children and get them settled before leaving--even with older kids.

I agree with pp's that it's a little weird for your school to rigidly apply montessori "rules" about independence and separation to children younger than 3.

[bridget]

When I working in a Montessori in London, the only time the parents went into the class room was on their pre-booked, once a term observation appointment. They were VERY strict about parents in the classroom.

When Montessori schools I've worked in in New Zealand have been less strict - parent bring children in and stay for about 10 minutes, then leave.

I can understand why parents sometime are disruptive in the class. Sometimes a group of parent end up chatting, nosiely, and this can be distracting for children who are working. Other parents grab stuff of the shelves that their child isn't ready for/has been presented and if they want "to play with this". Obviously educating the parents could help change this.

A one-way mirror window could be a good solution maybe? Children act/react differently when they know mum or dad are in the classroom.

My 27 month old son is due to start a Montessori preschool very soon. I'll let you know how I feel as a parent leaving him once this happens :-)