NEVER AGAIN! (long)

[bleurae]

So I got the latest email from Mothering about what's new this week etc. I see an article about a womans journey to VBAC and of course it peaks my interest.
http://www.mothering.com/articles/pr...c-odyssey.html
I read it and am in tears. I am very happy for her, I am so happy she got the birth she wanted, please understand this. I am just so saddened because it is soooo far from what I want.
I am about to start TTC in Oct. and I would ideally like to UC. I think my reservations come from my own self doubts, not at all from doubting the safety aspects of it. When I was pregnant with Bliss (2.9) I had done AI on myself to get oregnant so I knew the dates. I went almost 42 weeks and had a planned homebirth with wonderful midwives. As 42 weeks approached and I was measuring 52 I was gently encouraged to do castor oil induction which I did. I had podromol labor for a day and went into labor for another two days without ever dilating. I was transferred and my water broke and after back hours of back labor asked for an epidural. A day later at 42 weeks exactly and no dilation at all I had a c-section. To be fair to my midwives I was a HUGE ball of worry and nerves which can also affect labor.
I would love to say that was the awful part, but it was the drugs they shoved in me that I had repeatedly refused. It was the fact that Bliss (sobbing now just writing it) was left alone on a table, with both my arms tied down to a different one and he crying begging for love and to be held and no one even placing a hand on him. (trying to breathe now it is so hard to even write this) He waited 15 minutes with the only touch being to test or prod or poke or goop up his eyes. All things I asked not to have.
So here I am, years later and I NEVER want to go through that again. My worries are about me. I have had thyroid cancer and am on synthroid. I never had any problems with my levels through pregnancy but I did have a m/c and it was due to progesterone and I almost lost Bliss at 5 weeks as well. I went through 10 weeks bedrest from week 5 to 15. I know your thyroid can affect so many areas of your body, can affect hormone production as well. I believe it may have to do with my progesterone problem, but also know it may not. When they took Bliss out there wasa FLOOD of amniotic fluid despite there worries to the contrary, the cord was rather short though and it was around his neck. So my worry, was it my thyroid or the cord that kept me from dilating? Was it that it wasn't time? Was it the castor oil and my own fears? I know I will never know the answers but I also know I have to make sure that what happened before can NEVER happen again. So I feel like this time, while I would like to prepare and plan for UC I feel I should also try and establish parallel care with a practice that is pro-VBAC here, an all woman prectice that would likely be willing to try and work with me on honoring a birth plan. They would not be told I was planning a homebirth, let alone a UC. But I feel like one of the reasons I had such a rough time before is because I had no relationship with the doctors i saw when I was transferred. I feel like, should something go wrong and I need to go to the hospital, if I had that previous plan established I could simply say I had just wanted to wait til it was unbearable before coming in.
I worry though that doing that will affect me psychologically and hinder my birth process with UC. (anyone get the sense I am a worrier?) I worry it will somehow fuel my self doubts in my own ability to birth unassisted, at home, trusting in my body and myself. I think that is one of the many hard things about a bad birth experience, the loss of faith in one's own body.
So I am at this crossroads of sorts. Not if I want to go the hospital route or not, simply that I want to do every single thing imaginable to not go through a repeat of before. I could even handle a c/s again if I wasn;t tied down both arms, if my child was placed on me and not fuc%$d with. I do not want that, but I am merely saying that in case of an emergency I could handle it sooo much better if they honored my refusal of the Vit K and the eye ointment and the neglect.
So I guess I am here asking for opinions, and support, and wosdom from you sage sisters out there.

[SKK]

Hi,

I'm a worrier too, so I know where you're coming from. I'm pretty sure my worry contributed, in some way, to my 2 c-sections, but I'm not sure how yet!

I say, go with the plan that gives you the least worry - if that means parallel care, then so be it. If another c-section becomes necessary, it is best to have an established relationship with the provider(s) who will be there, to have discussed your plan well beforehand, and to know that the plan will be respected, particularly with regard to what should and should not be done with your baby! I think it's smart to establish that connection, particularly if it eases your mind.

I would love to have an HB or a UC, but I doubt I ever will.

[bleurae]

Thanks Sue. I am thinking along those lines, but I do wonder if it places the thought of possible transfer to much in mind simply by planning for the possibility of it ykwim?

I know my main goal is to have my next at home and find the way to go inside and listen to my own body to achieve that goal.

[chiro_kristin]

My biggest fear is not having to transfer... it is ending up in a transfer and having control totally taken away and everything that happened to you and Bliss. So I wouldn't blame you at all for having established a better relationship beforehand with the private intention of HBUC. So go for it. But I give that advice on one condition... that if you have prenatal care with an OB, you do not allow the OB to get you into worrywart mode, like they loooooove to do, and convince you and your new baby to undergo unnecessary invasive prenatal testing and interventions. That's my biggest concern for you right now, based upon what you've said in your OP. I would absolutely be sick for you if you, trying to make good choices for your baby by establishing the relationship, end up not trusting yourself enough to do VBAC at home, let alone UC.

[bleurae]

Kristin,
Exactly. I don't think there is any worry about being bullied into tests. With my first preg. I used a small amount of parallel care at the start because it was cheaper. My midwives came regularily, but I am went to a clinic for the first 2 trimesters because of bloodwork being covered at the clinic. I did not get the AFP or an amnio even though it was suggested because I was 35. I had no trouble saying no. During my third trimester I was "discharged" from the clinic because I was planning a HB. Because the clinic was just that, a clinnic, I had no established relationship with an OB anyways.
The OB practice I am considering this time comes highly recommended by my midwife because of their track record for supporting VBAC's and because they even switched hospitals, away from the one across the street from their offices because of hospital policies they weren't happy with.
I still am not sure of what I should do but I know a UC would be my greatest wish.

[SKK]

Bluerae,

off-topic, but I just had to say, your picture of Bliss is SO CUTE! I just love his hair - it kinda reminds me of Anakin Skywalker :LOL :LOL (Trust me, I mean this as a compliment!)

Anyway, I do hope you have your vbac, at home, however you like it. I'm OK, but it is such a regret that my vbac did not happen.

[bleurae]

Thanks Sue, I takes it as a great compliment. Thanks also for the posiyive wishes. They are greatly appreciated.

[pamamidwife]

Bleu,

You have just taken the first step to a better birth. Like you said, even if your next birth is a cesarean, it will be BETTER. You know more now, you are empowered to fight for your baby and yourself. Just that in and of itself may feel really healing and good.

It's good to be angry. It's good to be sad. It's even better to move FORWARD - just like you're doing! You can have the birth you want - wait, no, the birth you DESERVE. Your plans sound well thought-out. You may get to a point where things change for you, whether it's a change of providers, not attending prenatal appts any longer, or even choosing to birth at the hospital (I know, I know...). Either way, know that nothing is set in stone and the glorious piece is - all movement will take you to a BETTER place of healing and trust.

I think you're well on your way!

[bleurae]

Aw thanks so so so much Pamela, that means a lot to me coming from you. Truly!

[cathicog]

Hi Bleu. There are no guarantees, but the fact that you have and are doing your research now, and planning alternate care, shows there is a greater awareness of what could happen, but that you probably won't need it, and you can have the UC you are hoping for. I like to tell people, plan for the unexpected, but pray you don't need it. That goes for birth, especially...I don't blame you for not wanting to go thru that again, however it doesn't sound like it was either the thyroid or the short cord. Your own fears could have kept you from dilating. However, you can overcome that, by allowing your body to work completely on its own. When you were told you were 42 weeks, was that figured by one of those pg wheels? Well, they are off by 2 weeks. They figure due date by LMP, and so the first 2 weeks, you arent even pg! So my guess is your body really was only 40 weeks, and just wasn't ready to labor. This happens a lot, so next birth, just figure 42 weeks, from your date of Ovulation and most likely you will have a baby before then, your labor will probably be shorter, and you won't have people bugging you "have you had that baby yet?" LOL...Oh, and don't tell the due date, only the due month, that will keep anxiety down...and nosy neighbors...hth...

[bleurae]

Thanks Cathi,
Because I am gay I artificially inseminated myself to get pregnant. I used frozen sperm, only one vial, so I know the exact timing. I do believe that my stress and fears coupled with the iduction with the castor oil were a big problem and that he simply wasn't ready. I found this great site http://www.birthlove.com/free/ten_month_mama.html
for ten month pregnancies that has been very helpful.
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.

[EmmaJean]

Just wanted to say that this thread has an awesome c/s birth story, showing that if the doc is informed and supportive, it can be a positive experience: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=317737 (just since that's something you mentioned in your OP, being able to know that if a c/s were necessary, it could be a more positive experience than Bliss'). I never knew a c/s could be so beautiful...

You were asking how to know that none of this will ever happen again and to know what caused your non-dialation, and honestly, you probably won't ever know. Labor is such a mystery!! But next time, you can have faith in the fact that you know exactly what you *don't* want to happen and be less worried, in more control, etc.

No matter what, all you can do is prepare yourself emotionally, arm yourself w/ info, have people around that are supportive and know exactly what you want, and pray for the best! coming here and posting this is a huge step.

[Electra375]

Hugs to you...
I found a lot of comfort reading Ina May Gaskin's books -- both of them. I was really enlightened when she discussed the effects of fear on a birthing woman. It really hit home, b/c I wanted to birth at home the first time, dh was like well lets have the first at a hospital then we'll see. I didn't want to go to the hospital and have a 2nd c/s with #2, but it happened just the same. W #3, I said NO more... And I told my dh I was having this baby at home and hiring a midwife -- he was in shock, but now raves every chance he gets "she had her at home after 2 c/s".
I had a wonderful HBA2C and I used DEM or lay midwives. I wanted someone to monitor me and the baby for safety -- heartrates etc. I felt that was important to show for warning signs of a rupture at which point I would have transfered for a c/s we live really close to an equipped hospital.
I personally would never want to do UC, but I also had very hands off midwives which can be a rarity in other parts of the country from what I understand and have read here.
There are birth therapist to help you work through your worries and fears. My mw suggest one to me, but she understand until I explained that my dream was my working it all out and voicing my opposition to a c/s.
I think side by side care is a good idea given your thyroid history. And if it makes you feel comfortable, then it's good.
Many blessings to you...

[bleurae]

Thanks Emily for your words of support. I did check out that thread and am in tears. I think some women just have no issue with others taking their kids to measure and test and check and whatnot but it is devastating to me. It may be moreson because I was taken at birth due to fears I was a blue baby (no pun intended with my name). I am just horrified with my child being taken from me for ANY time at birth, they belong against my skin, feeling my heartbeat still as a comfort that is familiar when they are suddenly thrust into the wide open space outside the womb. They need my scent, my touch, my breath. They do not need to have their head measured???!!!??? They do not need blinding gunk shoved in their eyes when they have just barely adjusted to seeing for the first time. They do not need to have their natural protective covering harshly wiped off, they are there for a reason and need to be lovingly massaged in by mama's hands. They do not need to be stabbed with sharp objevcts as their introduction to the world. It horrifies me these things they do. To be apart for any time at birth is so violent feeling to me it makes me physically ill.

Just trying to explain where I am coming from.

[bleurae]

Thanks Electra,
I have read some of her stuff online but will definately get those books. I am of the mind of having someone close but still doing UC, in another room sort of, but that is still not clear in my mind yet.
Congrats on your HBA2C!! You are a true inspiration!


NAK

[EmmaJean]

sorry bleu... I didn't remember there being a lot of poking and prodding in the first story. Now the rest, I don't remember at all, so forgive me! I do hate that some hospitals have such rigid protocol w/ newborns. sorry for not helping you w/ that link--(where's the "oh crap!" smilie when I need it?!). I hope whenever your next birth happens that you are able to fight tooth and nail for what you want, or to be surrounded w/ great support so you don't need to fight at all! Coming from my own experience and that of other mothers, your second birth is very different b/c you've been there and you are so much more confident.

[bleurae]

OH Emily, PLEASE know I am in no way upset with you. The opposite, I LOVE what you were doing, it was with such pure intention and thoughtfullness. No "oh crap" smilie needed I assure you!!
I REALLY believe what you said about how you can never have an exact repeat because you know so much more after the first birth. I hold onto that dearly!

Thanks so much again, truly.

[majazama]

bluerae~ Traumatic birth is very hard to get over. It sticks with you forever. I hope you get the unassisted birth of your dreams next time around. You *can* do it, you know. Read lots of UC birth stories, and get involved with our UC support thread.... I wish you the best of luck.

[crunchymomof2]

I didnt have a UC this time but I did have a HB. I wanted to post because I, like you wanted dual care just in case I needed to transfer. It made me feel better at the time and when I thought they were interfering with my sense of calm about the whole thing I left. My dh and I had talked of UC before even becoming pregnant he was totally uncomfortable with that. So we found a very laid back mw and decided that we could call or not. In the end I had such a bond with her that I wanted her there. But the point I was trying to make is you can do what you want and have the freedom to change your mind at whatever point you choose. Nothing has to be set in stone right now. Do what makes you feel safe and secure.

I found affirmations and writing in a journal really helpful to get past my fears. I rewrote my birth story and let it say what I truly wanted it too. How angry I was for months afterward. It has faded now and I have taken responsibility for what part I had in the whole mess.(I wanted to be induced) One thing that helped me is I thought to myself while I would never want to go through that again if I hadn't I would have never chosen homebirth which to me has been the most empowering experience of my life. \

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[junglefamily]

my story

Hey there,
Don't know if you're into spiritual healing...but here's the short of my story...i had a TERRIBLE birth...was suppose to have my son at home and ended up so sick by 7 months with toximia they induced me..i was so depressed for months and months after the birth..they almost took my baby because i couldn't talk for the 2 months he was in the hospital...so we finally got him out and we got home.. i couldn't move or talk i was so depressed. my husband tried everything and took care of our son. I didn't want to take the drugs they gave me becasue they weren't safe--i knew it--because i could hardly stand up!! let alone breastfeed on them which the dr.s insisted was safe...anyway, i came upon an ad in a natural living mag about a medical intuative (anthonywilliam.com). I called him and the experience changed MY LIFE. if i wouldn't have called him, i wouldn't be here today. I know this is a little over the top story...but the point is that he told me i had thyroid problems--that was why i couldn't stop worrying, etc. THe coverstation took an hour, and healing on a diet and some green meds took 3 months. I am A NEW PERSON. we're having a UC in a few days (hope--maybe a few more days--but soon!!) I can't tell you how far i've come. check out that website.
my best,
Regan