Sensitive Kid

[Deepa]

My nearly 6 yr old son is very sensitive. He has been attending Montessori school the past two years and he did fine there. But all my other attempts at a few weeks of day care and summer camps have not been quite pleasant. After the third day he is always reluctant to go and cries a lot. He will be starting first grade in September and I am worried for him. I am not exactly sure why he dislikes every place, but he is very sensitive and I guess if there has been any incident at these places which made him feel rather bad, he immediately wants to stop going there and stay at home. I feel very sad dropping him off to these places where if he goes it is with a long face. He has been attending a summer day camp this week and has been complaining about some boys bullying him. Should I encourage him to go and face the world or keep him protected for longer?He does not have much friends around the place I live and eventhough I stay at home I cannot be playing with him all the time, and I hate it when he ends up watching TV. Can someone also suggest what can keep a rather restless 6 yr old constructively occupied?

Deepa.

[OTMomma]

Just for the heck of it, I suggest reading in the homeschooling forum, or even asking there what others do with their dc all day. Personally, I've decided to homeschool because my dd is a very sensitive child. We probably will do public school when she is older, and I feel she is emotionally ready to deal with the presures of school. I don't believe that a child benefits from being stressed out and forced to "fit in", especially at such a tender age as 6.

My dc is a bit younger than yours, but I have a set limit on how much TV she can watch each day. I encourage her to play by herself at times, and at times I help provide activities, like reading to her, or I get out toys/craft projects that aren't readily available- like puzzles that have a lot of pieces or paint. And I do something (probably come to MDC :LOL ) in eyesight of her while she does those activities, or I do them with her, if I am waiting on clothes to dry or whatever. When the activity is over, the items go back to the top shelf, so they don't loose novelty, and aren't used without some supervision.

Peace,
Laura

[PancakeGoddess]

I'm not sure whether this will be reassuring or discouraging, but my very sensitive son is just now starting to do things like all-day camps - he is 10. We are homeschoolers and he is fine going places without me, but not large groups for long periods. I think a lot of it is just his personality type - heck, *I* don't like being in large groups for hours on end. It completely wipes me out, and I'm an adult with far more emotional resources.

I personally find it amazing that so many kids *don't* get upset at being dropped off with near-strangers for so long, so often. I think your child's reaction is very sane.

take care, good luck mama!`

[Linda on the move]

Does your son have sensory intergration issues? Or it that his feelings get hurt very easily and he doesn't bounce back?

I'm confused.

As far as bullying, I would talk to him about exactly what happened, how he responded, how he would like to respond next time it happens, and then talk to the teacher. This shouldn't be allowed and, while he should be working on learning how to deal with mean people, the grown ups in charge need to step in and stick up for him. Otherwise, it's just Lord of the Flies.

[flyingspaghettimama]

My daughter is sensitive too, more along the lines of when reality doesn't meet her expectations of reality. Then she cries. A lot. But, she is very social and enjoys doing and learning in the summer with new friends. She also goes to a Montessori.

I've found that finding the right match of camp is important. She did have some transition issues - Montessori is very calm with higher behavioral expectations than your run-of-the-mill summer camp, full of kids on a sugar high and loving being outside. She even said once, "sometimes, I wish the kids would just be quiet for just a minute." But hey, that's what summer camp is for - learning to find new ways to get along. So we talk about that...and I did sign her up more for the artsy-fartsy type of classes, because that's what she likes and the teacher is very empathetic. However, bad news, she still hasn't stopped the daily crying jag. Ah well. I figure it's a phase, possibly for your son too? Can 5-6 year olds get PMS?

I would talk to the teacher, maybe? Let her know your concerns? But I think a classroom will be more calm in any case than a daycare or summer camp. Perhaps?

[G&B'sMama]

My DD is very sensitive and she is going to be 5 next month. She has a really hard time warming up to kids and to new places, I was surprised when she asked to go to a summer day camp this year. She did okay, but mostly played by herself the whole week. When we had her in Co-op preschool last year, she loved it at first, but then hated to go. She has a late birthday and was the youngest in the class, many of the kids were almost a full year older, and they were entering some type of pick on others type of stage, I guess. She didn’t necessarily get picked on, but even seeing others get picked on made her upset. She also got excluded from playing with a group of girls because she didn’t have any Disney Princess stuff or Bratz dolls. I couldn’t believe that this would happen with four and five year olds in three day a week, half-day Co-op preschool! We moved away in January and decided to homeschool. Her sensitivity was one of the reasons, although not the entire motivation. I really feel that sensitivity is an asset in today’s society. However, it will take some time for her develop some tools that will help her navigate social situations with a bit more self confidence. I guess you could say we took the protected route. From meeting the other kids in her homeschool group, I would say that there are good number of them who fall into this sensitive category. It has been a good social environment for them to learn about dealing with other people, but the lessons learned aren't quite as harsh.

My DH was a very sensitive little boy and he had a very hard time in school being bullied. His parents completely handled it the wrong way because their focus was on toughening him up. I think that there are much different expectations for boys than girls, and a sensitive boy is more likely to be bullied at school.

[Deepa]

Thanks for all the replies.

Linda on the move:

--Does your son have sensory intergration issues? Or it that his feelings get hurt very easily and he doesn't bounce back?

He just gets very easily and has a tough time getting over it. There have been times when he remembers someone who was rude to him a long time ago, and gets sad just remembering the incident.

I have thought about homeschooling and I would very much love to, but my husband thinks that it is not a good idea, since he wants our son to meet more kids. Can you all suggest some good homeschooling sites and information and some personal tips and opinions? He was born in Oct 99 which means he will be one of the youngest kid in his first grade class and I am very concerned abt that too. He is generally a very intelligent boy with very high spirits and a lot of energy and I am very concerned that he should not lose that spark and enthusiasm that he now possesses.

Thanks
Deepa.

[OTMomma]

Here is a thread with a lot of discussion about homeschooling and socializeing:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=321744 that you might find interesting. Lots of oppinions there.

Personally, I find the arguement that kids need to school to make friends to be a pretty silly argument. A lot of the schools here don't even let kids talk during LUNCH! So there's not too much socializing going on there. I think activities like scouts, Karate, dance classes or other classes at the YMCA are a lot better ways for kids to socialize. There may also be oportunities to socialize with other homeschooled kids in your area.

I don't have any great links this minute about why homeschooling is good. I'll hunt- but I know some of the other mom's here have some good links!

Laura

[OTMomma]

http://www.nhen.org/newhser/default.asp?id=227

Good page with info on how and why to homeschool
HTH,
Laura

[G&B'sMama]

I agree with the socialization bit. I actually think my DD gets better socialization homeschooling than she ever did in preschool or ever would in conventional school. She really gets the chance to interact with a variety of kids and adults, of different ages and abilities. She also gets to see people in a fuller context of how they interact with their siblings and parents.

She has a September birthday and if we sent her to the local school for Kindergarten she would be the youngest in her class. She is so sensitive that I think this would be a detriment to her to be the youngest. At the same time, she is academically gifted and is a very hungry to learn. Waiting a year to enter school would also be the wrong choice. Homeschool allows us to work with her in the areas she needs help (social/emotional) and let her lead the way with areas in which she is strong. We may consider conventional schooling for her at a later time, but I know in my heart that homeschooling is just what she needs for at least a few years.

As for the sensory integration part- My DD has not been diagnosed with anything, but I believe that she may have sensory integration issues. DH and I have debated about getting her evaluated and have talked with her pediatrician about it. I think the her sensitivity to emotional and social situations is related to her physical sensory issues. It is like she feels things very deeply, whether it is a cross word, or wind in her face, or anything else.

[melamama]

I wanted to add that often 6 year olds are considered "old" but really they are only 6. In terms of dealing with personalities and the world they really have little experience. It is about protecting them to some extent. Dd is "sensitive" and we have had a similar experience with some activities that you describe. It helps us greatly to prepare for transitions and talk about what will go on in all of her activities. It was helpful for us to let her choose an activity that she wanted to do--that we knew was a gentle environment, and then build on the positive. She now has several activities that she feels good about partipating in--and meets lots of other kids this way. We are homeschoolers also.
I also agree that you must look into the bullying. You are your son's advocate.
You may also want to check with your local school about him being the youngest. I have heard about districts being cooperative about starting boys in the next year if they've got late birthdays. Maybe another year before first grade would benefit him? Then you could spend this year gearing him up for the transition to first grade.

[Divina]

I recommend the books The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Child . They have a lot of information that I have found to be very useful, both for my children and for myself. The "child" book is broken down into ages/stages, as well.

Rowan has always been very sensitive and slow to enjoy new situations. I did not stop introducing him to new situations, but stayed with him and gave him plenty of time to assess them and decide how he wanted to deal with them. Often, he would sit next to me at a playground for half an hour and then be ready to play. Now, (he's almost 4), his "assessment" time has dropped quite a bit and he's even walked up to new kids and introduced himself and asked their names or if they'd like to play. I feel a lot of this was due to his attending a very small preschool/daycare with low turnover, as well as to our parenting practices.

So, aside from reading the books, I advocate a middle ground. I would not keep him from these situations altogether, but realize he needs longer than many kids to adjust to them. Also be in communication with the adults in charge of his group about what is going on with him, both asking how he is while there and letting them know about his reactions at home. Homeschool may be a good option for you, but there will still be situations where he is away from you, and he needs to gradually and gently learn what his own best way to deal with them is.

Oh, and I don't know how to post the thread link, but there is a thread in "Finding Your Tribe" called "mothering the highly sensitive child", and there's a lot of info there.

[babywearingmama]

I don't want to upset the homeschoolers out there, as I do feel that it's valid for many reasons and pretty much guarantees a better academic education. HOWEVER, my brother chose to homeschool his extremely shy and sensitive son for that reason alone. Because he is shy and sensitive and they were worried about bullying (in a very friendly Canadian city where serious bullying would be extremely rare). Well he's 8 now and is still extremely shy and sensitive and I don't think they've done him any favours. He pretty much clings to his parents, even at my other brother's house, and has NO friends whatsoever.

Children get their confidence from feeling that they can do things well and that they are independent from their parents. If your child were able to develop friendships and learn how to deal with all kinds of behaviours, including bullying, he will be a richer person for it. He probably won't cope well with school as he is now but if you get him involved in some clubs or something where he has an activity he enjoys and the opportunity to make friends then he will be ready for the world.

[PancakeGoddess]

I do agree with the PP that some activities or clubs might be fun if they are completely enjoyable and don't involve difficult separations. I do have a bit of an issue with some other aspects of the post though

School is too emotionally taxing for many kids. I see this as a problem with schools, not children.

I don't think a very shy child would become more confident by being thrust into a situation he couldn't handle and probably fears. He may learn some coping mechanisms and he might start to appear to adjust, but children become truly confident when they have all their attachment needs met and then move out into the world without coercion, in their own time.

The OP's child is only 5 years old - very young to be concerned about independence from parents.

Even an 8 year old, while sounding very old to many of us here with babies-->preschoolers, is quite young - far too young to be expected to learn to deal with bullies. ADULTS should deal with and prevent bullying, which I feel quite certain happens even in very friendly cities.

I've known a few extremely (as you describe, quite clingy) shy and reluctant children - homeschoolers - who both seemed to just come alive between 8 and 11. They transformed - because they matured.

[stafl]

I choose to respect my child's feelings. If she does not want to go somewhere or do something, I do not force her into situations that make her uncomfortable. As a result of this, she has become more secure and comfortable with groups of kids, even children she doesn't know or has never met before! I would most definitely not force her to do something that obviously distresses her. Stress is dangerous, even for children, and impacts everything from mental well-being to physical health. Homeschooling is the only option for us, but we have a really close-knit support network, as the public schools where I live are some of the worst in the country.

[callmemama]

Deepa, where I live your son would be starting kindergarten. I know because my son is just one month younger than yours. We made the decision to homeschool when he was 3. Ds won't play with groups of children. He prefers to play with dh or me, even at the playground. When I suggest that he might want to make friends with someone, he tells me "I already have a friend, why do I need any more?". Sounds like a valid argument to me! :LOL The little neighbor boy is his "best" friend and they play well together. Ds seems to know what his needs are, and I'm learning to not force society's expectations on him.

I also remember my first year in school when I cried every single day, often throughout the day. What a miserable experience. I only cried at night during my second year (see, I was getting "better" ). Obviously school was not a good choice for me at that age. Its unfortunate my parents didn't know there were other options (although there probably weren't back then! :LOL ).

Depending on what your husband doesn't like about homeschooling, you might suggest "Dumbing Us Down" by John Taylor Gatto, New York State Teacher of the Year (I've forgotten how many times he won the award). Its a pretty "in your face" book; he doesn't beat around the bush with his experiences...or his opinions!