Can we talk chores,charts,stickers and rewards???

[guest^]

I write out a detailed list for dd of what she is supposed to do each day/week. She gets nothing for it-just her service to our family-everyone pitching in.

With ds, it is different. He doesn't read, but he does chores. I would like to make a chore chart for him. I am thinking about taking a picture of him doing a chore "in action", then glueing it on to a laminated chore chart. After he finishes each chore, he gets to come to me for a sticker for that chore for that day. My only problem is that I struggle with whether this is setting him up for the reward system as he gets older.

With dd, she gets $12 a month for allowance. If she wants to earn extra $$, she does outside or more laborious chores.

His chores will be:getting dressed,cleaning up after breakfast,brushing teeth, putting his toys away in the playroom during cleanup time, clearing away his lunch from table, washing his hands after playing outside,brushing his teeth before bedtime.

Does anyone else use a similar system??

TIA

mp

ETA.....the cat! Ds is responsible for feeding the cat at breakfast and dinner.

[Curious]

Dd is going to be 4 next week. So far we have no reward system. She is pretty eager to imitate me, like for brushing teeth. For getting dressed, I'm not sweating it, she either plays helpless and needs me to do everything, or she gets irate when I suggest a particular shirt because she wants to do it all. Whatever...

I have few specific duties for Dd but she jumps in to wash dishes with me, and last week she actually truly helped me clean the house for over an hour

Her specific responsibilities are to bring her stuffed creatures into the bedroom during clean up time. This is to prevent panic in the middle of the night "where is Trica! I need Trica!" and me having to schlump out of bed to find Trica. This way Dd knows where all the important characters are at night.

Dh has been wanting her to blow bubbles in the water so she can advance at swim class and her refusal to do so is keeping her back (no big deal IMO). He offered to pay her a quarter, but she still refused.

If she comes to see me in my office (downstairs from home) while I'm working, I have a few tasks for her there, for which I pay her a shiny dime. Sometimes she's excited, other times she forgets the dime right away.

My mother was pretty good at making work fun and doing things in a way that made me want to join her. Mostly I never got into rewards and charts, because my mother didn't and she managed to keep a good size household running congenially. I think my mother is superhuman, by the way, which I am not, but still, I always remembered the week my parents went on vacation, and my older sister made a chart and I was to accumulate stars of various colors. I hated it. The vivid memory of my disgust made me shy away from the idea now that I am a parent. Besides, I could never keep track of the chart and doling out rewards.

[Denise K]

My mom used a chart with us when we were 7 to 11 years old or so. No reward, just what was our job. The useful thing was that she made it a wheel so our chores rotated (literally) each day--and we were free to trade chores, too. I liked this system--I knew what was expected, and I have always liked checking off lists. Not all the kids did--one would just refuse, others would whine a lot. Personality may be a big thing here.

I try to make rewards be things that are inherent in working together, in helping out. Like we put on a song and we all clean the living room as fast as we can until it's over. DS gets to pick the song, and we're all silly about it so it's fun to do. He just started feeding the cat, too, which he finds rewarding in itself at this point--he's always had to leave the cat food alone before.

I also gave him a bucket with sponges and a sprayer stuff so he can clean things--and I put away the soaps and vinegar, etc-- after he cleaned the bathroom all by himself one day. :LOL

I guess I'm hesistant about tangible rewards....and also not organized or that into chore division at this point. I'd rather teach DS to clean, etc, by getting him to do it with me.

[Laurel]

We just recently started having our 3-year-old have more "formal" responsibilities around our home. I'm not big on rewards, stickers, stars, etc. either, but I did want to make some kind of tangible, visible reminder for him.

I finally decided to draw and cut out some little cards for each job he has. For example, one of his jobs is to make his bed (with my help). So I drew a simple picture of a bed with no bedspread. Then I drew and cut out the bedspread part. When his bed is made, he gets to move the paper bedspread onto the paper bed. (We use magnets.) We have a little sink picture with dishes that go into the sink when he's cleared his plate from the table. There is a little cut-out laundry basket and paper clothes that he gets to put in when he's put his clothes in the hamper. And a picture of a toy box with little toys that can go in the box when his toys are picked up. So far he really likes it and has been eager to participate in these jobs. But it's only been a week, so we'll see how long it lasts.

[guest^]

Thanks for the replies Ladies!!!

I *love* the idea of a spinning wheel! Maybe dd and I can do that!

Yes, we too try to make our clean up times fun by putting on the Beatles, or some funky radio station from our tv.

I too usually do the chores beside the dc, but I am leaving the state for a major abdominal surgery, and when I come back, I need ds to be as self-directed(no direction from me) as possible. I think the only reward is the cool truck sticker he would get.

Keep the advice coming......

mp

[stafl]

no, don't do it, don't plan to. It doesn't fit in with my philosophy regarding gentle discipline, unschooling, and parenting with respect at all. We do chores and stuff because if we don't pick up we can't find our toys. We wash clothes and the reward is that we have something clean to wear. We do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done. We try to make it fun and a game, even if that makes it take longer, so the kids don't learn to resent housework and other necessary chores. My mother dreaded doing any sort of cleaning or picking up, and I grew up thinking those things were dreadful. My kids have never seen me complain, and they both just love to help out with the housework.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by stafl

no, don't do it, don't plan to. It doesn't fit in with my philosophy regarding gentle discipline, unschooling, and parenting with respect at all. We do chores and stuff because if we don't pick up we can't find our toys. We wash clothes and the reward is that we have something clean to wear. We do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done. We try to make it fun and a game, even if that makes it take longer, so the kids don't learn to resent housework and other necessary chores. My mother dreaded doing any sort of cleaning or picking up, and I grew up thinking those things were dreadful. My kids have never seen me complain, and they both just love to help out with the housework.

: That is my idea scenario. But my kids have seen me (& DP) complain. BUT, we present it as some things we don't *love* to do, but we like having them done and someone needs to do them. They both *love* having clean rooms and being able to find things and get a lot of satisfaction from doing so.

DD & DS help around the house mostly because that is just what we do. Recently I had some major cleaning I wanted to get done during the day and so I paid them $.50/15 minutes (DD cleaned the stove outside and microwave all over--- not "normal" chores so I treated it differently). In the eves they help clean up so we have time do do something like play a game (but the game is not a reward, it is a consequence of having time. If we work quickly together we have *more* time to play).

I really, really, really like the book "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...840531-5989704

That is my *goal* that we strive for, may not hit it, but thats the goal.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by stafl

no, don't do it, don't plan to. It doesn't fit in with my philosophy regarding gentle discipline, unschooling, and parenting with respect at all.

Yes, that is my opinion on it as well. It's just not how we live.

[UmmBnB]

We have never used reward charts for household chores since those are viewed simply as an expectation of everyone in the house and as such the reward is living in a clean house...and a happy (slightly neurotic neat freak) mama

We have used a reward chart when ds was having some issues with how he was treating others, forgetting manners etc. He'd get a sticker when he was nice and respectful towards others. It served as a great reminder. His reward at the end of the exercise was that his "chart" was a picture hidden on the chart and as he gathered stars, the picture came out - if that makes sense. He has it on his bulletin board in his room. It did the trick.

I like rewards personally.

[guest^]

If all of you read my OP, I stated that I don't use the praise"system". And yes, I have scanned the book mentioned-didn't see the need to read it as I felt at the time I was already living in agreement with the author.

As my dc get older, and I need them to be more involved in chores, I have learned that things don't always turn out to be so perfect. I write a list for dd and I everyday-it helps her to stay focused. Except her laundry. I stopped doing her laundry a couple of months ago, and at first shw was all gung-ho, now it has been her laundry constantly strewn about. Is the consequence supposed to be that she doesn't enjoy wearing dirty clothes? Well, she does. As long as her hair is perfect(which is a messy-just right messy-pony) she will wear the same clothes day after day.

Anyway back to my ds, I agree that rewards aren't good. I have friends who put the stickers on everyday, and at the end of the week, if the dc has so many stickers, they get a special toy, or a trip to someplace fun, or an icecream,etc..I thought *that* was rewarding.

So knowing that even stickers are viewed as a reward, I won't do that.

But what does everyone think about Laurel's idea?? That doesn't sound like rewarding to me, it sounds like a handson,non-reading way to "scratch " something off,or in this case-to. Laurel, you must be super crafty. How would a lay mama like me pull something like that off?

I need to figure out what I am going to do, as I won't be able to give pep talks, or follow through on things I tell him to do- ar ask him to do.

I have been working all summer for both of them to do what Iconsider the basics-w/o being told. And here I am.

Input needed please.

mp

[**guest**]

since you mention major surgery -- it seems that your ds will go through some level of stress -- a separation, then seeing you in pain and somewhat incapacitated, altered family dynamics. he is already probably feeling your stress.

i was ran over by a car in december (just my foot affected), had a baby 2 weeks later, and was in a non-walking cast for 10 weeks -- major stress, and dd is still recovering. a planned surgery is different, of course, but the stress is still there.

i would not stress over chores when you are back. yes, it would be nice if you can rely on his help, but if he is not eagerly self directed now, he is not going to be, no matter what charts you invent.

you might end up too stressed if your expectations are too high. try to go with the flow, and have a messy house while you recover. ds might want to take over and be your parent, as dd tried -- even if convenient, this is not a good thing to happen.

[Laurel]

That doesn't sound like rewarding to me, it sounds like a handson,non-reading way to "scratch " something off,or in this case-to.

That's how I"m viewing it. To me it's just a fun way to remind him of what his little responsibilities are, much like I would make a list for the day. However, I can see how some people might view it as a reward.

When my ds was a toddler, he loved to "help" and be involved with all the chores I was doing. But I have felt that lately I was having to do much more prodding. We had a little family meeting where we introduced the idea that all of us, big and small, have responsibilities within our family. We talked about how mommy helps our family and how daddy helps, and then we introduced these jobs (which are very small--all four of them can be done in about 5 minutes) as ds's way to help our family. He is definitely not self-directed and I don't expect him to be. Basically all his jobs we do together or at least with me closely supervising. I"m not sure that self-direction is a realistic expectation for a young child (your ds is 4?) no matter what kind of system is in place.

Laurel, you must be super crafty. How would a lay mama like me pull something like that off?

I'm not terribly crafty, but I'm really into scrapbooking and that is what I used to help me with this. I basically just drew very simple drawings of what I wanted. I drew them on colored paper so I wouldn't have to color them myself. I drew in pencil and then went over everything with a black pen so it was visible. I mounted each thing on a small square of paper and used small magnets to attach things. Eventually I hope to get it all laminated.

[Dar]

I've figured out that having lists helps both Rain and I get things done. Do the job, cross it off - very satisfying.

I think, though, that, you're talking more about routines, and it seems that putting every bit of your daily routine on a chart could get overwhelming - the tracking would be more work than the chores. I mean, getting dressed gets done, right? It's part of the day (most days, anyway) so it doesn't seem like you'd need to keep track on a chart. If you had a list of things that needed to be done every morning before school, maybe I could see that - I used to just ask, "Teeth and hair?" because the shoes and clothes were easy to see. Your list right now has nine things on it, which is a lot for every day...

I would maybe try something simple to start with, like maybe just track a couple of things, maybe stuff that tends to be forgotten? Cat magnets and cat food bowl magnets sound very cute, actually, and you could label one "Lunch" and one "Dinner". The rest of the list seems more like routine self-care, rather than "chores".

Dar