Hi Mamas,
I've written many times here at MDC about my incredibly challenging 3.6 yo. He's extremely bright, inquisitive, loving, and defiant. I use the word "defiant" primarily b/c I am currently reading a book titled The Challenging Child, by Stanly Greenspan, MD. Although I am not in love with the book, I am finding parts of it helpful. Greenspan talks about the types of challenging children he's come across in his experience. And my boy falls under what he calls the "Defiant" child. And his description of this personality "type" fits my boy to a T. The part that saddens me the most is that Greenspan describes the defiant personality as one that is generally so in need of support and empathy that they sort of push the other way b/c they fear not getting what they need. He says that these children as they grow may feel that they are loved, but that their parents hate everything they do. Sadly, I have to say that much of the time, especially lately, this is true.
My son has been very angry lately. And anytime we even remotely raise our voices he's been screaming and sort of lashing out back at us. We've had almost a full year of challenges since our 2nd child was born, and well, we've fallen short of our ideals as parents. I've yelled innumerable times, usually daily. Sometimes at the top of my lungs. I've felt, almost daily, that I can't stand to be around him ONE MORE MINUTE. The guilt and shame I feel about how I've parented runs very, very, deep. We don't hit or do anything physical, of course. We don't name-call or other blatantly abusive things, but I feel that I've scarred him with so much over this year anyway. My DH and I have parenting pow-wows everynight about how we can parent better, deal with our anger better, etc., etc. But every day there is something that happens that is infuriating, so mind-blowingly anger-producing that it would make Mother Theresa blow a gasket.
I don't know what I'm getting at here other than that I need some support, I guess. I try to let as much go as possible. I try to play, connect, laugh, hug, kiss as much as possible. When I absolutely don't want to be near him at a particular moment, I make a point of touching him anyway, just so he knows he's loved. I try to apologize for every outburst (there are a lot of I'm sorrys around here). I feel almost like we've lost this year. This very tender year is gone. And I still made (and make) the same mistakes every day sometimes.
My questions really are: Can you tell me about your defiant child? How did you reach out to them when they were lashing out? How do you deal with your child's anger? How have you parented your challenging child? Have you ever had a WHOLE flippin' year of mistakes? Ones that you can't take back?
Thanks for your support, Mamas. I need it. I want to keep my boy centered and feeling loved without losing my cool. But how am I supposed to do that when I don't feel centered when he's outta control?
I've written many times here at MDC about my incredibly challenging 3.6 yo. He's extremely bright, inquisitive, loving, and defiant. I use the word "defiant" primarily b/c I am currently reading a book titled The Challenging Child, by Stanly Greenspan, MD. Although I am not in love with the book, I am finding parts of it helpful. Greenspan talks about the types of challenging children he's come across in his experience. And my boy falls under what he calls the "Defiant" child. And his description of this personality "type" fits my boy to a T. The part that saddens me the most is that Greenspan describes the defiant personality as one that is generally so in need of support and empathy that they sort of push the other way b/c they fear not getting what they need. He says that these children as they grow may feel that they are loved, but that their parents hate everything they do. Sadly, I have to say that much of the time, especially lately, this is true.
My son has been very angry lately. And anytime we even remotely raise our voices he's been screaming and sort of lashing out back at us. We've had almost a full year of challenges since our 2nd child was born, and well, we've fallen short of our ideals as parents. I've yelled innumerable times, usually daily. Sometimes at the top of my lungs. I've felt, almost daily, that I can't stand to be around him ONE MORE MINUTE. The guilt and shame I feel about how I've parented runs very, very, deep. We don't hit or do anything physical, of course. We don't name-call or other blatantly abusive things, but I feel that I've scarred him with so much over this year anyway. My DH and I have parenting pow-wows everynight about how we can parent better, deal with our anger better, etc., etc. But every day there is something that happens that is infuriating, so mind-blowingly anger-producing that it would make Mother Theresa blow a gasket.
I don't know what I'm getting at here other than that I need some support, I guess. I try to let as much go as possible. I try to play, connect, laugh, hug, kiss as much as possible. When I absolutely don't want to be near him at a particular moment, I make a point of touching him anyway, just so he knows he's loved. I try to apologize for every outburst (there are a lot of I'm sorrys around here). I feel almost like we've lost this year. This very tender year is gone. And I still made (and make) the same mistakes every day sometimes.
My questions really are: Can you tell me about your defiant child? How did you reach out to them when they were lashing out? How do you deal with your child's anger? How have you parented your challenging child? Have you ever had a WHOLE flippin' year of mistakes? Ones that you can't take back?
Thanks for your support, Mamas. I need it. I want to keep my boy centered and feeling loved without losing my cool. But how am I supposed to do that when I don't feel centered when he's outta control?
rasberries.... no really. They speak volumes. I'll tell you a story that I am not particularly proud of, but think you will appreciate. When Nate was an absolutely horrible teenager, we started using what we called "the family salute". We just flipped each other off, when ever we felt like it, when ever we wanted. It took all the power and anger out of the act. It made it really kind of silly. That's how raspberries work now... it isn't disrespectful, it just represents frustration, mine or Joey's.
Gosh, all of your words ALWAYS hit home for me.
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. I struggle with yelling myself. I try to focus on doing better today and not feeling guilty about yesterday(or last year!). Also, I make a point to enjoy and focus on dc #2 even though she takes much less energy than dc #1!
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Then it got better, then I made mistakes for awhile again, then it got better and stayed better for a little longer, then more mistakes but they weren't as bad, and so on. And she's a happy kid. We haven't ruined her. We've learned a lot, and we're still learning. We won't be pros at this parenting thing until we're grandparents.
And I 99% of the time I don't even leave the house when she's here (I just do house stuff and make dinner). I absolutely agree with you that when the emotions are involved things get stickier quicker. But how can they not? I can't remove myself entirely from the situation-EVER. And I know this is part of my problem. And you bring up something that I struggle with, too-holding grudges. I don't know if for me I would call it a grudge, but I tend to not be able to "get over" something very quickly. And my DS needs me to get over it and be done with and get back to the good stuff. Hmmmm???
I always think it's me. Can you say neurotic? Yes, I know I'm joking around here a bit, but I have big self-esteem issues and other childhood issues that greatly impact my parenting on a day-to-day basis. Maureen-Just your words alone about feeling threatened by DS are helping me think of things differently. Do you know of any good things/improved self-talk that I can think of when I'm feeling this way? Like something to replace that threatened feeling?
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