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My Challenge, My Love - Page 14

post #261 of 913
Oh Bears, a million hugs. I have a ton to say and only a minute, so most will have to wait for the weekend. But I know where you are and how you feel.
post #262 of 913
Dear Bearsmomma and all other mommas who are not allowed to talk on the phone...

One of my favorite parenting books is "Mom, Jason's breathing on me" and he explains sibling rivalry by comparing it to how kids just know when you are on the phone and it triggers a sense of dependency and abandonment, a need to prove that you are theirs and theirs alone. It doesn't help me at all on the phone, but I always remember that lesson after I lose it.

My boys have had a rough week... ok, their momma has been a real %#&* and I feel sorry for them... it turned bitterly cold this week, went from 25 to zero almost instantaniously. I got grumpy, they immediatly got cabin fever and I suddenly decided that it was time to panic about the holidays.

Oh well, just when I was stressed beyond measure, I found out that I have almost no clients today so I have daycare and am FREE!!!! (Apologies to all the SAHMs that never get the wonderful break I do.) My mood just improved enormously. I got to go to Target and the yard store (ALONE) and exercised and now actually have an hour to knit and throw something in the crockpot before leaving for the office. Boy, sucks to be me.

So, I wish that I could give all stressed out mommas a few hours alone, I swear it cures just about everything that ails you.

Good luck all, it is going to be a long winter I fear.
post #263 of 913
I'm very happy for you Maureen! It's so good for us to have time to ourselves!
post #264 of 913
Thread Starter 
Maureen, TEAKs, Sledg-Thanks, my friends.

Not much time, but Maureen, you are sooo right about getting some time to ourselves. It makes such a HUGE difference for me. I hope you enjoyed your remaining time alone! And I, too, fear it's going to be a loooooong winter.

Always so good to know I'm not alone. Which is the exact feeling I feel when things get really, really bad around here. Things were marginally better today, but I was still a grump, short-tempered, and yelled. Boy, that doesn't sound too good, does it?

More later...
post #265 of 913
Thread Starter 
Oh, Ladies, what a dreadful morning. Dreadful. And basically, yesterday I felt that I was approaching one of those "Falling Down" moments (remember that Michael Douglas movie?)

Yesterday we were getting our tree inside, the kids were happily playing in the snow out front, but we had come off an awful day. I opened the trunk of the car and I hit my head. It wasn't horrible, but it hurt. And it was like one of those dam-breaking moments where I just cried. I burried my face in my gloves and cried. I don't have too many of these moments (although I have lots of yelling losing it and cry-fests at night with DH, but this wasn't the norm. It was just an "I quit" kinda cry. Have you had those? It wasn't even that the kids were being difficult at that moment, it was just the shear hardness, pain, everything building up and coming out.

This morning DS refused to get dressed for school. DH gave him 2-3 options. Plus, DS can always go to his own dresser and pull out what he wants (which is usually what he does). So, he sat naked on the couch. DH had to leave to go to work and left me with a naked, defiant kid. I tried the "You have your options" approach, the diverting attention approach, the hard-nose approach, and finally the threatening approach. I remained relatively calm through the whole thing until he said he wanted his blue shoes and I got them and then he said he wanted his boots. THEN, I LOST MY MIND AND YELLED virtually in his face. Ugly. Then, I proceeded to lecture him in the car. I told him that he was hurting the family and that I wouldn't allow it anymore. That if he didn't start realizing how his behavior was affecting everyone else in the family and how we needed to be a team, that I couldn't do this anymore. That he would need to go to daycare b/c obviously he doesn't want to work with me as a team.

And you know what? Of course, I feel tremendous guilt about this and what I said, but how could anyone deal with this behavior? HOW? I just don't know. I am at a loss, ladies. A LOSS. I hear friends say that little Johnnie had a tantrum, or said "NO" or whatever and that this was frustrating to them. COME TO MY HOUSE! I don't know how to balance our family out with Bear's sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb behavior.

I have Bear's school file in front of me b/c I am going to look up the cost of supplemental care for a few days/week. I can't do this alone anymore ladies. There is no buffer EVER between us and BEARs. We have ILs that live pretty close, but they are not really that involved. I have a sitter/mom's helper that comes 1x/week for 2.5 hours. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. I need to get away from him. I need physical and mental distance from him. And I don't know how to get it.

TEAKS-How are you? Didn't see you post this weekend.

Thanks for listening, ladies, as always. I just don't know where to put all this.
post #266 of 913
Bears, I have cried that exact cry. Sorry I wasn't able to get online this weekend. I have until Saturday to get us entirely ready for the holidays and to leave town. I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to keep the kids happy on an overnight series of flights between Juneau and Florida. Can you tell that my MIL made the arrangements?

Anyway, you need more hugs than the internet can provide and a stiff drink. I definately think that you need more of a buffer than you are getting. Is he any better at school? Has anyone been able to give you something of a real diagnosis? I wish I had something brilliant and thoughtful to offer, but all I can say is that I've been in similar spots and any support I can offer is yours.

We are thankfully in a pretty good spot with TEAK right now. Other than the potty learning issues (insists on wearing underwear, but doesn't often want to use the potty), she is doing better. She is starting to show a little bit of compassion and is more mellow. The only thing I have changed is that I am obsessive about food. If one of her meals or snacks is late, she goes psycho. She has to have something in her system at all times.

Sorry this post sucks. I've been sneaking moments for two hours (and I type really fast). If I take time to revise, I'll never finish. Read what I mean, not what I say...
post #267 of 913
Ahhhh, Bearsmama. Another I only have a few moments, all my kids are sick and whiny and clingy.

It sounds as though you are totally stressed, like you feel as though you are out of ideas and energy, and like you are feeling very discouraged. And it sounds like you have a lot of unmet needs, like you haven't been able to take care of you enough. I wish I could help you, come over and hold you while you cry and send you out to see a movie alone.

The only other thing I can add right now is that until my challenging child hit age 3, I didn't understand why some moms said they need to work, to do something other than spend 24/7 with their kids. Around the time she turned 3 I understood completely. Sometimes it's healthier for everyone to spend a little less time together, at least for a little while. I understand your desire to have some more space from Bears' intensity. It's hard, very hard, to do this alone most of the day every day.
post #268 of 913


I am glad for you that you have a supportive husband. He always sounds like such a wonderful guy.
post #269 of 913
Thread Starter 
sledg-TEAKs, TLO-Thank you, dear mamas

Just a quickie here-I am seriously considering some additional care for Bears, but I just don't know how we'd swing it. I had the file on my lap earlier today, ready to call and have him in supplemental care a few days/week. I NEVER THOUGHT in a MILLION years that I'd think this. NEVER. I may just need to find some way to get some more breaks. Also, I think this need to get away from him, or have some space, is just coming to a head. I have little family and DH's family is close but generally uninvolved. I've done this on my own for 4 years with no breaks, really, and no other interested party, really, other than DH. It's rough. I'm not saying I'm the only one in this boat, but not having an extended family who really wants to be involved in any *REAL* way is very, very hard.

Okay, back to the kitchen.

And TLO-DH truly is wonderful.
post #270 of 913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsmama
sledg-TEAKs, TLO-Thank you, dear mamas

Just a quickie here-I am seriously considering some additional care for Bears, but I just don't know how we'd swing it. I had the file on my lap earlier today, ready to call and have him in supplemental care a few days/week. I NEVER THOUGHT in a MILLION years that I'd think this. NEVER. I may just need to find some way to get some more breaks. Also, I think this need to get away from him, or have some space, is just coming to a head. I have little family and DH's family is close but generally uninvolved. I've done this on my own for 4 years with no breaks, really, and no other interested party, really, other than DH. It's rough. I'm not saying I'm the only one in this boat, but not having an extended family who really wants to be involved in any *REAL* way is very, very hard.

Okay, back to the kitchen.

And TLO-DH truly is wonderful.
Bearsmama -


I'll try to summarize... have had a really crappy week, myself. We're dog sitting for my brother and my little monkey man has been overly helpful. So this has been me ---> for a solid week. Everything seems to hit at once.

But yes, I too know that cry. And I function much better with Cole now that he's in Kindergarten although it was a somewhat rocky start and really hard for me to accept that him away from me more is not a bad thing. My IL's live in another state and my mom is in no shape to babysit so DH and I NEVER get away from the kids. Ever. I can so relate to needing more help. Of course for me, it's hard to find anyone willing to watch four kids. But, with one of them being Cole, well, it's easy to understand. That sounds awful but when the people closest to him have a hard time watching him, how can I trust people that didn't know him? Not that any are lining up, lol.

Ok, have to run but will read more tomorrow... couldn't check in and not say hello.
post #271 of 913
Thread Starter 
Jennifer- Thank you so much for your reply and support. I get so much support here it's unreal.

Just wanted to check in quickly. The day continued to get worse, like a train wreck. DH tried to remind me that it's just one day, it's not every day that I'm losing my mind. But it IS a LOT. Bears and I had a big talk last night in bed. He shared with me in a way that he doens't all the time.

Gtg.
post #272 of 913
I know what you mean about doing it without backup, Bears, Jennifer. Both sets of grandparents care a great deal about the girls, but they are an airplane ride away (remember you can't drive here from anywhere). They do visit, but it takes several days for the girls to get used to them again and then they need to leave.

It is so hard to find a balance between attachment and separation. When our babies are born, we never let them out of our arms, we know that they need us and require the contact. As attachment parents, we (or at least I) have a harder time accepting that space becomes necessary as they grow older.

ack, gtg. I'll be back to finish.
post #273 of 913
Hi all,

This thread is telepathic I swear. DS has also been unwell and I too suffer badly from lack of support and doing this alone. Both sets of grandparents are not that close by and it's is me and me only 98% of the time. Being 30 weeks pregnant with a sick, demanding child can be SO hard.

Bears - Falling Down moments have been a plenty for me this week. I did actually cry very hard yesterday as DS had yet another tantrum and was pushing me away. It really was an 'I give up' cry. It SO un-nerving for me to think this is with ONE child - how will I cope with two??

Obviously DS is poorly at the moment so it's a vulnerable time for him but still - there's just no space. And DP is suffering too as he is working really hard, we are also having financial challenges and it seems that everything is against you some days doesn't it.

One of my Falling Down moments was going back to my car from the supermarket with DS and the car not starting and trying for about 15mins to get it to fire-up. (It's been dodgy for a while though so should have seen that coming!). I really had to grit my teeth to pick up all the bags and wait for the cab to come and get us. Of course with DS being spirited he NEVER keeps still in your arms and with a big pregnant belly it was just all TOO MUCH. Agh!!

To add to everything else, all DS wants to do right now is nurse and it's driving me mad, just from a being pregnant point of view. It's been alright on and off but with him being ill it has stepped up a gear and boy does it bug me at times!

Anyway, he's moany groaning again right now so had better sign off - just wanted to say that for all of you going through a hard time, you're not alone! Let's hope things improve for us all...............

Bye for Now
ps: promise to be more positive next thread ;-)
post #274 of 913
Sing with me.....

It's the moooost woonderrrfulll tiiiiime of the yeeeeear!.....NOT!

Let's see, for us there's the colds, the flu, the parties, the snow shoveling, more time stuck indoors, the shopping, the financial strain, the company, the husband working crazy hours. It's overstimulation and overexhaustion for eveyone!! Wooooohooooo!

Really, I do enjoy this time of year in general. But it's also hands down the toughest time of year for us and many families I know.

Big hugs to all you mamas dealing with sick children and stress (not much more stressful than a sick and grumpy challenging kiddo!). I am in the trenches with you, I am sick as a dog myself, and we will all survive.
post #275 of 913
I'm just stopping in to distribute hugs to all of you and to soak up the support. I'm about to need it with this "family trip" with dh's family to south Florida. MIL made our travel arrangements and we have to fly from Juneau to Seattle, wait 5 freakin' hours and then take the RED EYE to Miami. WITH TWO SMALL CHILDREN!!! She and FIL, by the way, fly in two easy stages and stay overnight with my parents on the way. I have packed everything I can think of to keep us happy, but I'm still fretting. Then, three weeks with my in-laws. Sigh. OK, rant over.

I'll check in tomorrow and then be offline for a few weeks.

sledge, I hope that the crud leaves your house never to return.

Justine, oh I remember those times when I was pregnant with ABKA and TEAK just wanted more and more and more. Big hugs and something soothing.

Anyway, believe it or not, I will miss all of you.

Happy Solstice,
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hannukah,
and a Joyous Kwanza to all!

k
post #276 of 913
Thread Starter 
Hi TEAKS,
I will send you GOOD TRAVELIN' VIBES. You are a brave, brave, woman. Funny how the crazy travel plans were made by someone who doesn't have small children Seriously, I'll be thinking of you. I'm stressed about the holidays, and I don't have to GO anywhere.

Not much time. Bed is calling. So nice to have developed this relationship with you, TEAKS. The support from all of us on this thread is just wonderful.
post #277 of 913
Dear on-line family- I wanted to post a positive update, share my good news. Some of you know that my oldest- Nate, who is now 21, was my challenge (Ok- I may have another one in training but we will see.) And believe me, Nate was horrible. And I was often a horrible mother in response.

Well, last week Nate asked about moving home for awhile. He went to his step-father's office and had a serious heart to heart and admitted that he needed some help getting his act together. He has been unemployed for about 5 months and felt he was falling into a serious depression. Now Nate and my dh had a serious blow out two years ago and Paul threw him out. He has been living with my aunt since then but he and Paul have worked very hard on their relationship. So- they made a plan and on Sunday my baby moved back home.

And I love it!! I don't honestly think I have enjoyed him this much since he was 3. He is charming and interesting and respectful and he is so wonderful with his little brothers. They just adore him. I knew he had matured and grown but I didn't know just how much fun he would be and just how much I have missed him.

Ok- I know that my telling you that in 15 years or so, things will be ok, isn't completely great news but I also know that some Mommas (Bears ) worry a great deal about how their kids will turn out. I know that my unending love for him was all I had, all that ever really mattered.

Happy holidays, hang in there, love for the long run.

Maureen
post #278 of 913
TEAK's, you are one brave woman!!! Good traveling vibes to you, I hope your trip goes smoothly and that you have a good time visiting your inlaws. Happy Holidays!

Maureen, I'm so happy for you! What a great thing. And lucky little brothers, too!

Bearsmama, hope all is well for you.

Justine, I know how it is to be uncomfortable (physically) nursing while pregnant. I hope your son is feeling better, and that you get some time to rest.

Most of us are starting to get better over here. My poor littlest one is miserable, and I hope she's better soon. We had to cancel her birthday party, we'll be celebrating with just the 5 of us. Which is kind of nice, and since she's only about to turn 2 she doesn't really care. I am still not done with my Christmas shopping, which is a first. Went out last night to do some shopping *~*~by myself~*~*. Just a little shopping left. Also, of course, I have to excavate the mess to find my house so we can have company on Christmas. (Okay, so it's not quite that bad. But I'm way behind because of everyone being sick.)

Take care, mamas!
post #279 of 913
Thread Starter 
Justine-I'm sorry I forgot to comment on this. Being pregnant and nursing is rough. I found that with my last pregnancy my level of tolerance for it went in waves due to my varying hormone levels. Have you tried singing a song and telling your DS that he can nurse until the end of it? We did this throughout my pregnancy with #2-when it would hurt me or just be downright uncomfortable and I was ultra-sensitive. We also would read a book and I would say we can nurse for the next three pages. My best to you.

sledg-So glad to know that you are all on the mend. We all have colds, nothing major, but the little one suffers b/c he can't blow his own nose, of course. So it's hard for him to get comfortable. I'm just hoping that it just stays a cold and nothing more. I have a few more things to buy for the holidays. Of course, I have the baking, house-preparing, cleaning to do, too, which makes the baking all the more difficult to fit in. It is, however, one of my joys in life, so I will make the time.

And last but not least Maureen-I'm sooooo happy for you that you are now seeing Nate in a different light and that he has really come through so much. You know, if you believe that all things happen for a reason, you might say that NOW is the time that you guys will really get to enjoy each other-while he's living with you. You're through all that other junk. Now you get to enjoy him as an adult.

Today I called our "shrink" day. DH and I had an appointment with DS's psychologist by ourselves. Which was reallly great. That's not to say we didn't learn some things about our parenting that weren't hard to swallow. But we're learning some techniques to deal with the "storms" of DS's behavior. The basis of which is restraint-physical restraint. Which contradicts every thing I've felt about parenting thus far. But I *know* intellectually that this is what needs to happen. DS needs to feel safe, and we need to reign him in. Which is something we're not so good at.

I also went to see my therapist-who I haven't seen in over two years, I think. We occasionally speak on the phone and we've kept a great relationship. Of course, this is tremendously helpful to me today. You know, I feel so conflicted (Maureen-your opinion?) about the all you need to to love 'em thing. I really have felt this. That Love will surmount most things and that just keeping on loving him is the most important thing I can do. That said, DS's psych and my therapist are both sort of saying the same thing (mostly the doc we see for Bears, though). That I need to start loving him in a different way. That love is NOT enough for a child like Bears. That structure, restraining, etc., is what he needs to flourish in life. Doc said that the difference he sees in the children who have these issues that turn out to be successful in life and those who are troubled usually comes down to the parent's vigilance. Keep in mind that I am speaking about a kid that we now are pretty sure has ADD/ADHD-a real, neuro-biological disorder. Not just "spiritedness". What do ya'll think about this?

Anyway, off to do my holiday prepping. Hugs and love to all of you.
post #280 of 913
Bearsmama- I will continue to say that loving them is the thing... but of course you can't just love without some reaction. As for restraining... I tried it and it made things worse. But I have tried it therapeutically with other kids and have it help. So... just be willing to give new tools a good try and figure out if they help and if they fit for who you are. Honestly, if I had it to do over, if I had done therapeutic holding with Nate at a much earlier stage and with no anger- it might have been different. There was no information about sensory issues when he was little. I would mainly say, be open, try things and if you hate it- don't do it.

I am so glad that you feel supported and heard. I remember realizing that it was neurological with Nate and knowing that it didn't mean that I was off the hook as a parent, but that any mistakes or shortcomings I had as a parent weren't the cause of Nate's issues. I was just a good enough parent and he needed specialist parent. And with enough time, I became that.

Good luck to all of you powerful mommas. Hope all is well for your holidays.

Maureen
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