My Challenge, My Love - Page 3

[craftykitty]

Wow. I just got a chance to pour a glass of wine and read through this thread. I cried with relief, because it's so good to know I'm not "the only one" and neither is my daughter and because of the great encouragment in this thread.

I feel broken. I feel the pain of wasted time and broken hearts - hers and mine. I know her spirit has been crushed uncountable times in her short life. I feel insane. I feel like a small child in her clutches. I never realized that a wee being could possible reduce a grown woman to such a juvenile state.

Yesterday I spanked her. Just one "smack" on her bottom with an open palm, but nevertheless - I spanked her. It was time to pick up my 5 year old from school and we were late and I was desperate. She didn't want to go. The pavement was over 100 degrees and she wouldn't put on shoes. I was holding my 11.5 month old in my arms and couldn't hold her too along with my keys, wallet, etc. I coaxed, pleaded and bargained. Finally, as she lay there screeching, sprawled on the floor, something inside me snapped. I reached down before I even thought and popped her bottom. Hard. The look in her eyes was terrible - rejection, hate and disbelief rolled into one. It didn't work. I felt like dropping everything, even the baby and sprawling on the floor with her to scream, cry and kick my feet.

The yelling is an everyday occurance. It doesn't work either. I never expected it to, but I do it anyway. I hate myself for it. She says she hates me too. She is so very, very loved, but does she really know it? I tell her every day . When it's a good moment, I grab her up, covering her in machine gun style kisses. I sing her songs and stroke her hair. Then the storm comes and it's hard rain washes away all the good intentions. I feel so raw and jagged. I don't want to live this, but I am.

The doctors say that she has SID, that she had ODD or maybe ADHD or that she's a sociopath, or that... that... that.............
She hits our cat with sticks, proclaiming that she is "stabbing him and blood is coming out". She tells her brother "Let's kill Mama and then we can so whatever we want - let's cut the baby, too.". What have I done wrong? Where has she heard such vile things? She doesn't even watch television. Hate spews from her mouth when she is angry. I know I add to it with my anger, although all I want to feed her is love.

She is the most wildly beautiful work of art that I have ever seen. I have bountiful love for my other two children, but in some ways, she is secretly my favorite, despite her many quirks. I watch her play. Her tiny, 27 pound frame spins and jumps and twirls... touseled, golden hair flying around her face, cornflower blue eyes glowing in the sunlight. She is wonderful and my heart beats faster every time I see her. I just wish I knew how to help her.

Thanks for listening to my rambling...

[Magella]

Oh, craftkitty!

[Magella]

Originally Posted by Bearsmama

. I, too, am sort of grieving this past year. I see other people with their kids-their easy kids. And I think about all the good times they've probably had this year (clearly this is just an assumption on my part). And honestly, it's hard for me to easily pick out the really good times of this past year. It's been the hardest year of my life. I think with these very special, challenging kids the good times are really just the tiny moments when things seem easy, when the stars seem aligned to allow things to just FLOW. And flowing isn't something that happens around here. At least not much. I've said before (and I think at the beginning of this thread) that I feel that this past year has been LOST. Just lost.

I feel the same way about the year my dd was about 2 1/2-4. Those good moments do seem tiny sometimes, but I know that for me it's really all in my perception-the perception I do believe I choose. I went to bed last night thinking about what I said about accepting things as they are, and how doing that helps me be a more compassionate and patient parent. There's more to that. Accepting things as they are in this moment, letting go of what I wish things were like ("oh why can't she just do what I ask?" "Why can't she just wear the darn socks without complaining and fidgeting and freaking out?" "Why can't she just listen?" "why can't she just tell me what she needs instead of flipping out?"), frees me to see what I really need to do in that moment to meet both our needs and help things flow more smoothly. I cannot tell you how much of a difference this one thing has made in my relationship with my daughter. So, for example, instead of that internal "why can't she just wear the freaking socks and get her shoes on like every other kid so we can get to school on time and without fighting?!"-which inevitably leads to the struggle and frustration and, often, yelling-I can think that, be aware that I'm thinking it, and then be aware that she just can't do that sometimes because those socks really do feel awful to her. Then I'm not focusing on the fantasy kid I think would be easier to raise, I'm focusing on my kid, and I feel the calm I need to get through the moment and help her find a solution.

I have learned amazing things from parenting my challenging kid. But maybe the biggest is that all we really have is this moment. The moment that just went by, the last day that went by, the last week-they're gone. The next moment or five minutes or the next week-well, they're not real yet and there's no guarantee they'll happen at all. I can't live there in the future and though I can dwell on the past I can't change it or live there either. I have this one moment, right now, and that's it. I will make mistakes, but if I dwell on them I miss this moment. And that's when the time is lost, when I look back and say "oh my god, I missed it. She was little and I missed it." Sure, I'm human and I will miss moments, or maybe even days. But I have to let go of a lot of my mistakes, even the huge ones, if I want to savor the beauty that is this moment-I don't mean forgetting, just not clinging to them, yk? And I now know that even in the struggles there is so much love and beauty to be experienced, and even in those moments that seem filled with only pain are so valuable and teach me so much.

I have found myself asking "If I knew I were going to die tomorrow, or very soon, would this matter? Would I think this particular thing is worth struggling over?" Sometimes the answer is no, sometimes it's yes. Then I ask "If I knew I were going to die very soon, how would I want my child to remember this moment?" This really helps me step back and really see, understand, and find the response that's most helpful. At first I thought I was being very morbid (with the whole dying thought), but since all we do have is this moment I think it makes sense-though now I try to ask myself the same questions without the whole "If I knew I were going to die" bit.

Well, I have a frustrated toddler on my hands. Dropped my baby off at kindergarten, she'll be there all day. I miss her. She had a beautiful morning and arrived at school with a smile, which was not how I thought the morning would go. She's full of surprises.

[emblmrgrl]

This thread is so helpful right now. Just seeing that someone understands what it feels like to live with such a lively spirit. We're having a particularly challenging time with Kindergarten this week. I hope everyone else's week ends smoothly.

[TEAK's Mom]

This thread is such a gift. Sometimes, just knowing that I am not the only one with an insane child makes it easier to face the world. What Sledg said about letting go of that fantasy child who just acts normal really resonates with me. TEAK is not a normal child, but she is wonderful. I think sometimes I am setting myself up for trouble. Everyone I meet talks about how important social interaction is for 3 year olds, so I make an effort to get her to social situations. Then, she acts weird, freaks out, etc and I want to scream, "why can't you just act normally for one minute?!?!" It's stupid, it's my fear and I need to let it go.

Maureen, you are so wonderful! I laughed like crazy when you talked about baths and potty learning. We are right there with you. The only way I can bathe TEAK is to take her to the pool and go swimming. She is hysterically, completely afraid of our tub and shower for no reason I can detect. NOTHING bad has ever happened in there, I swear it. But, at least she will shower at the pool. And, potty learning...I have a 3 year old who can read better than many 8 year olds, but she refuses to potty learn. I refuse to push the issue because I just don't want the power struggle and I don't think it will help. But, when every other 3 year old we see is out of diapers, it can be hard. I even had one mother tell me that her daughter couldn't interact with mine because she didn't want TEAK to cause hers to backslide into diapers.

This is the most important thread to me. It shatters the image of normal that I tend to carry around in my head. We are all real mothers with real children. We can do this...we can do this...

[MsMoMpls]

Ok- mother's of "tough" kids... what do you do about potty learning? Believe it or not, that was really easy for Nate... he hated being wet and was so stressed about it he trained himself by 2. Joey is another story. (OK, I may be in denial about his temperment.) I just found my old copy of Toilet Training in Less than a Day. I think it is an antique. It was horrible. Certainly not GD. Joey hates baths, loves the hot tub which has been broken all summer. Maybe I could use it for a potty chair. :LOL

Reading some of your stories is making me remember... and some is good and some is bad.

Sledge- congrats on the first day of school. What an amazing thing to go off into the big world on your own for the first time.

Craftkitty- lots of hugs. I have certainly been there. Some kids are easy to love and some kids require our whole heart- but they stretch us in our loving them.

We all deserve a metal. To all of us fantastic mothers-

[craftykitty]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

Ok- mother's of "tough" kids... what do you do about potty learning? Believe it or not, that was really easy for Nate... he hated being wet and was so stressed about it he trained himself by 2. Joey is another story. (OK, I may be in denial about his temperment.) I just found my old copy of Toilet Training in Less than a Day. I think it is an antique. It was horrible. Certainly not GD. Joey hates baths, loves the hot tub which has been broken all summer. Maybe I could use it for a potty chair. :LOL

Well, I did *nothing*. LOL! I guess I believe in child led potty learning. I KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the more I wanted her and guided her to PL, the more she would resist it. I showed her how it was done (not hard since she follows me to the toilet and camps out at my feet). I gave her the tools to do it (pull-ups, pants that could be easily pulled down and a good stool) and let her decide when she wanted to do it. I never asked if she needed to go, etc., but if she did choose to go, I said "Wow! You went to the potty on the toilet! That deserves a treat." and I gave her two Skittles. She did it right as she turned three. I can pretty much promise that if I would tried to get her to PL, she would still be in dipes. :LOL

[emblmrgrl]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

Ok- mother's of "tough" kids... what do you do about potty learning? Believe it or not, that was really easy for Nate... he hated being wet and was so stressed about it he trained himself by 2. Joey is another story. (OK, I may be in denial about his temperment.) I just found my old copy of Toilet Training in Less than a Day. I think it is an antique. It was horrible. Certainly not GD. Joey hates baths, loves the hot tub which has been broken all summer. Maybe I could use it for a potty chair. :LOL

Well potty learning was easy for us, too, so I guess I have no real tips on that one. Cole also hated to be wet and he had the potty mastered in about a week. He was a little over 2. I got lucky with that one, lol.

[UUMom]

I totally waited until the child was ready. (I did that for all of them but esp and moreso with my CC (challening child) I waited until the interest was verbalized in a big way). Bothering beforehand is a recipe for disaster & anger.

The age of potty training has never been important to me. We used cloth (diapers and 'training ' pants) , and washing wasn't any big deal as we had a good washer in our home. My CC actually trained pretty quickly and fairly young--but--as I said, dc was **totally* invested and very verbal about it.

PS and ETA-- I agree with the above poster-- "Nothing" is a much more correct and explanatory answer.

[Bearsmama]

Hi Mamas,
I am fading fast tonight, and tomorrow is a big day, but I just wanted to chime in on what I've had a chance to read tonight.

First, craftkitty-

And sledg-I really like your "what-if-I-die-tomorrow" thinking. Yes, I agree that at first it sounds kinda morbid. But I've tried to go here before and it really does work for me sometimes. The problem is remembering all the good stuff in the heat of the hard moments.

And potty learning! This is what's been on my mind A LOT lately, so I had to add my experience with bears. Bears is now 3 years and 7 mos. And he is still wearing a diaper. I NEVER made potty learning an issue. Up until about May of this year. Then I think I bent to other people's pressure and I started to gently encourage it. Then about a month ago I realized that I was putting more pressure on him to use the potty then I ever thought I would. And I could see it starting to spiral into a power struggle. So, I gave up again. I mention it here and there. And I usually get one poop/day on the toilet! I realized tonight that I even when we think we're being sensitive, we're not being sensitive ENOUGH to DS's fears. For instance, to DS, using the potty means that he's not a baby anymore. I've actually gotten this out of him. That's a big deal, and I just need to listen to him more.

More when I can, ladies. Thanks so much for keeping this thread going.

[craftykitty]

Originally Posted by Bearsmama

Hi Mamas,


And potty learning! This is what's been on my mind A LOT lately, so I had to add my experience with bears. Bears is now 3 years and 7 mos. And he is still wearing a diaper. I NEVER made potty learning an issue. Up until about May of this year. Then I think I bent to other people's pressure and I started to gently encourage it. Then about a month ago I realized that I was putting more pressure on him to use the potty then I ever thought I would. And I could see it starting to spiral into a power struggle. So, I gave up again. I mention it here and there. And I usually get one poop/day on the toilet! I realized tonight that I even when we think we're being sensitive, we're not being sensitive ENOUGH to DS's fears. For instance, to DS, using the potty means that he's not a baby anymore. I've actually gotten this out of him. That's a big deal, and I just need to listen to him more.

Right. A power struggle is *exactly* what potty learning can become very quikly with a spirited child. I found that never mentioning it did wonders for us. Kind of like the more you ask for your dh's help with laundry, the more obstinate about it he becomes. :LOL It's nagging. People with very strong wills don't like nagging at all. That is an absolute, from what I have learned. (I have *ehem* a bit of a strong will myself ) I just plain doesn't work. There were times that I caved to pressure and tried to get her to "just do it already". It just pushed her further away and annoyed her. I found that if I was completely non-chalant about her potty habits, she gained interest in the whole "big girl" thing and decided to try it out. Once she realized that though I was completely non-expectant, I was still pleased (enough to reward her!), she gained confidence. When she did it, she come tell me and I would act completely surprised and say "YOU went potty? No. Really? I didn't think you were THAT big! I guess I have no choice but to find a few skittles for you then. Humpf!" She felt as though she had the upper hand.

[craftykitty]

Today is not a good day. I thought it would do me good to post here, before I lose it with her. I haqven't really yelled at her today (well, a tiny bit), but I've definately sounded irritated and annoyed more than I care to admit.

We had errands to do around lunch time today. She was good when I picked up some new diapers at a friend's house, she was great at the post office... then she begged for Sonic for lunch. *sigh*. Sonic is gross. I caved. "What would you like" I asked. "Grilled cheese", she says. "Are you sure?" I ask. "YES. GRILLED CHEESE. I WANT GRILLED CHEESE!!!!", she yells at me. I say, "I think we will leave without the grilled cheese if you aren't going to be kind to me, Annie. I really don't like the way you are treating me.". She shapes up, for the moment anyway. Fast forward to getting home. She sits at her little table happily with a strawberry fruit slush and her greasy grilled cheese and fries. I peek around the corner. "STOP looking at me." "Are you eating your lunch?", I want to know. "Yes, I already ate my sandwich", as she slurps her slushie and stuffs nasty fries into her mouth. I am suspicious. "Where is the wrapper from your sandwich?" . "In the trash". "Show me?". "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" (accompanied by shrieks and threatened tears). I look at the garbage and see a familiar silver wrapper poking out of the top. I walk over and pull out the stupid sandwich that I didn't want to buy in the first place with two teeny bites taken from it. I don't do well with food wastage OR money wastage. If all she wanted was the d.amn slush, I would have bought her the d.amn slush and came home and made her a boca burger. ARGH! I take the slush and put in into the freezer. This incites Hurricane Analiyse with gale force winds within seconds.

I take her for her nap at this point. NOT fun. After much going back and forth, back and forth, she is still not sleeping 1.5 hours later. THIS is a child that cannot yet survive without a nap. She is now asleep and I must go and wake her in 5 minutes to go get her brother from school. She will be sour when I wake her - most likely screaming through the entire trip (even the part where we walk up and get him from his teacher. Charming.).

Ahhhh. It does feel good to let it all out. I feel much more reasonable now.

[mamapajama]

Bearsmama,
I sit down at my computer, at the end of my rope (as I often am) with my 3 year old "spirited" "challenging" "defiant" ds and I see this thread and I just can't stop crying. I could have written your post. My two children are 3 and 1 and this last year has been so unbelievably difficult, with no end in sight. I haven't read all the replies but I look forward to sititng down when the kids go to bed.
Hug to you mama,
Michelle

[MsMoMpls]

Welcome Pajama Momma... this is definately the place to be.

Thanks to all for the potty training reminders... how did I get hooked again? Like everyone else I somehow let other people's expectations get me. I don't care if he is in diapers. Dh said jokingly..."I am not going to change you when you are 10 so sometime you will have to learn to use the potty." To which I said, "Or change himself..." and we were both able to laugh about it. I am back on the wagon... it is his body. I can change diapers forever. Hey these are my last two babies, they won't need me forever.

Craftykitty- I hope the rest of the day went better than expected. Too bad when in some ways it really sounded like it was going ok... before the Sonic thing. I have found that if I give in to things begrudgingly, it is a real set up for a fight. Do or don't do, but you know you can't do and then expect her to understand that you didn't really want to do it. Oh well, live and learn. Maybe it was all really about being tired and the only way out of those messes is sometimes to get to the blow out so you can get to the break.

Thanks everyone for all the positives.

[mamapajama]

I would just like to say that you mamas are all amazing. I can relate to so much of what I have read here tonite. It's like we all need another wise mama with us during the day to whisper "you are doing a good job. You can do this. You can find your patience. Your child is not psychotic (joke)." All the other jobs I have had, there is a manager, supervisor, someone to say "hey good job". Parents have to tell themselves that. I know I always feel my parenting skills are reflected in my child, who is very very intense. I get so tired of feeling embarrassed at ds behavior in public. He is a red haired freckle faced tornado. The funny thing is I worked with emotionally disturbed children for years. I have taken all kinds of classs on child development, dealt with extreme behaviors in kids etc, and I can't even get my child who is supposedly "normal" to stop hitting, or basically listen to me at all abt anything.

Re: potty learning. I stayed home for a few days, took off his diaper and asked if him throughout the day if he needed to use the potty to pee. He wa into it and started peeing in the potty no problem. He wears no diaper until he has to poop, and then he asks for a diaper and for some "privacy" which means a closet. When he is all done he comes out and demands we change him quickly so he doesn't get a rash. He absolutely will not poop in the potty.

Hugs to all you wonderful mamas

[SilverWillow]

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[MsMoMpls]

Support my new business idea. Check out this thread for me and give me some feedback please.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...83#post3734683

Would you find having a parenting center like this supportive? I need feedback to take to donors. Thanks much.

[loon13]

That is exactly how I'm feeling after reading this beautiful thread.

So much fits me and my dd, it's uncanny. And I only have the ONE child so far. to you mamas who have more.

Originally Posted by sledg

We thought all kids were like her and I thought the reason it was so hard because I sucked as a mother.

sledg, your post really resonated with me.
I cannot tell you how many times I tell DH "It's me, I just don't know how to be a mom, I suck at this whole parenting thing." But then DH reminds me everytime: "You're a good mama. The fact that you care so much about being a good mama is very important right there." : I still doubt myself but it helps for a short while to hear him say that.

Originally Posted by sledg

What I see today? I see that there is nothing to blame. She is who she is and I am who I am.

Yes, absolutely. I still have moments where I look at dd and think "there's something wrong. I just have to find out what it is."
And then moments where I think, "she's an amazing little person, she's just fine the way she is".

I have made some changes to her diet, that seem to help both of us such as no processed food, little sugar, etc. So I don't discount the effect of diet, but I mostly remind myself that to accept her *as she is*.

Now that she is 3, her speech has *boomed* and her creativity and imaginative play are just amazing. And despite some sensory issues (the teethbrushing is a HUGE one; the preference to be naked in the house) and some sleep issues (just can't wind down), I can look back and see that some things that were a bigger issue when she was younger (i.e. hated the car seat, hated diaper changes, hated getting dressed at all), she has either outgrown or adapted or something.

It's becoming easier trust that she will turn out okay. Although, I still doubt myself so much!

[craftykitty]

Originally Posted by loon13

:

Now that she is 3, her speech has *boomed* and her creativity and imaginative play are just amazing. And despite some sensory issues (the teethbrushing is a HUGE one; the preference to be naked in the house) and some sleep issues (just can't wind down), I can look back and see that some things that were a bigger issue when she was younger (i.e. hated the car seat, hated diaper changes, hated getting dressed at all), she has either outgrown or adapted or something.

!

Hey! You just wrote a whole paragraph about *my* daughter! How did you know? Heeeeey.... do you have cameras on us?

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by TEAK's Mom

. This is the most important thread to me. It shatters the image of normal that I tend to carry around in my head.

Another mom with a challenging (to say the least) 3 yo ds signing on.