My Challenge, My Love - Page 46

[*LoveBugMama*]

:

I need to vent. Please be gentle with me.

Noah (6YO in 3 weeks) had a 60 minutes screaming, kicking, punching, sobbing and crying fit today. The reason? His favourite roll of tape was empty. :

What to I do in these situations? How to help him, and at the same time show him that this is not the end of the world? I know it FEELs like it to him, though... I validate, I sympatize etc. But nothing helps much. He freaks out if anyone tries to talk about his feelings when he is upset, he will NOT be cuddled when angry/sad and all he wants is to scream and kick and hit me.. :

Luckily, these incidents are rare. Normally he is intens and sensitive in every other way, but very "good" at accepting things like this.

Man, some ays are harder than others. And to top it all, my mother is visiting (we haven`t seen her in a year) and he freaks out even more because he doesn`t want her to see him sad..

Thanks for letting me vent. I figured that you mamas would understand, after reading about your amazing journeys in this thread.

Oooh, and I apologize if my english is bad.. Not my native language.

[Magella]

, Tamara. Been through those 60 minute screaming aggressive tantrums here. I will share what has worked for me and my dd (7). My dd doesn't like to be hugged/cuddled in those situations either, and talking about her feelings seems to make things worse. I've found that it's helpful to focus, instead of on her feelings, on the *problem* (so not "you're angry/sad", but "you wanted to use the tape, and it's all gone")-this not only helps during a tantrum like this, but it also helps prevent a tantrum and moves us toward problem solving together if we do this early enough/before she reaches escalates too much emotionally. At the same time, when she's having a tantrum, it's helpful to only say that ("you wanted to use the tape...") once or twice, to really minimize verbal interaction until she's calmer and ready for it. It helps to just sit with her while she's having this tantrum, keeping us safe (sitting with her in a safe room, just the two of us-yes I have younger kids (3 and 5) and this is hard at times, but necessary; moving out of her reach when she tries to hit/kick) and just being a calm, centered presence listening to her. Doing this both models coping with intense emotion and a difficult situation calmly and lets her know that I am there to help. When she's calm and ready for hugs and talking, we can talk about the tape and how disappointed she was, and what other tape she might use and when we might get more of her favorite tape (problem solving).

Wishing you better days.

[umami_mommy]

isn't that interesting... my son had one of his fell-asleep-on-the-couch-woke-up-tantruming incidents friday night. he used to have them a lot. now just once in a blue moon. he hates to be cuddled-hugged even talked to when it happens. it just makes him scream louder. luckily it didn't go on too long and when i offered him a cup of milk he calmed down enough for his dad to hug him and then he went easily upstairs to sleep. this kind of thing used to go on for hours at a time. thankfully he seems to be growing out of it. whew.

he seems to be adjusting to having a baby sister too. his *horrible* behavior seems to be abating somewhat... he played very nicely all day yesterday with our friends' daughter; who he always seems to get to aid him in misbehaving in the worst way when we get together. :

[*LoveBugMama*]

Note to self:

Never, ever go out with a tired, angry son. Ever. :
Man, this day has been crazy. And a normal day isn`t exactly easy in my house...

Has any of you experience with a child that never seems satisfied? That always wants more? No matter how much I give, how much attention I give, he always asks for more. It feels like I am saying NO all day. But other parents will say that I give him more than they ever do to their child..

No matter how much I say YES, how much I try to do things he enjoys etc, he always wants more. Always asks for more attention, more stuff, more fun things to do etc.

Usually I can deal with it, but on days like today, it makes me soo sad and tired.

[Magella]

[WuWei]

How are you mamas?

Pat

[WuWei]

Bumping.


Pat

[Bearsmama]

Hi Pat and Mamas,
Wow. It's so nice to see this thread, alive again. It's been sooo long since I regularly posted here. So much has changed. I don't have much time right now, but I will say that my challenging Bears is blossoming into such an enjoyable, lovely boy. He is losing his first tooth, reading like mad, and being his tenderhearted self. He loves kindergarten and I really think this is helping him to blossom and grow even more. He is still a quirky kid, of course. He is an early riser, he's picky, he still has trouble with the way things feel on his body. He has trouble listening and sitting still. I could go on. But the big things, the things that were making his life and our lives really miserable for a while, have softened and changed and morphed.

My second child has entered that dark period called being 3. My "easy" child is now incredibly challenging--but in different ways than Bears was.

I have had a really hard time parenting (since the beginnging, really). But especially in recent months. I realize now that my biggest challenge is ME. Which I've written about here and elsewhere many times. But it's really true. I have some big problems with anger. With sulking. Etc. I am working on it and I am hoping that one of these days, before the children are in their teens, I can make things "click" more often.

I have much more to say, as always. I would love to put Bears past year or so in some kind of context that could be summed up here. But I can't. I wish I could tell you all about my past year or so. It's been really hard. And I think I've struggled with some depression. Which is very difficult for me to admit and get support for. But I am living every day and doing my best.
I am looking forward to hearing from all of my mamas here...please let me know how you are. And thanks, Pat. How are you?

[MsMoMpls]

Oh it is so good to see this thread and I am so glad to hear that Bears is doing so well... Told you so!

My oldest- the 23 year old who had the childhood from hell, is a wonderful adult who is in a serious long-term relationship with a woman I think is good for him.

Number 2 is also in kindergarten and loving it! After all my trauma with Nate it was hard for me to face re-entering the public school system but Joey is such a different child and is just eating it up. He comes home on fire to learn and his teacher (who is only a year older than Nate is fantastic.

My little one is also the horrible 3 1/2 stage and still nursing like a new born which I am tolerating but no longer truely enjoying. He is a driven, intense kid but manageable... we will see what he has to teach me.

Check out my website. My newest baby is the nonprofit parenting center I have been able to open after 2 years of plotting and planning. It is wonderful. Not making any money yet but having a blast. Doing a group for moms with mood issues, too bad you aren't in Minnesota.

All is wonderful. Can't wait to see who else posts. This thread was very inspirational to me, helping me to see how much support is needed for parents in the world.

Maureen

[Bearsmama]

Soooo great to see you, Maureen! I've missed you!

Uh, and don't ALL moms have mood issues?

[Magella]

Hi there! Maureen, I can't believe Joey's in kindergarten! I wish I lived in Minnesota so I could come to your parenting center!

I will agree that age 3 really sucks. My little one will be 4 next month, and for the last few months has been in a really moody, stubborn, instigating mood. Also, she's been having existential crises. Not long ago she was weeping about not knowing where she was before she was born. The other day it was weeping about "I'm scared of dying." I mean, why can't my kids ask things I can answer (or at least find an answer to) like "why is the sky blue?"

My oldest, my challenging kiddo, is still struggling but doing better. We're no longer (knock on wood) dealing with the hour-long rages. She's still got the tic potpourri going on, she's still struggling with anxiety and aggression, and of course the sensory stuff. But it all seems to be getting better, slowly but surely. She's reading like a maniac now in 2nd grade. She's on book 5 of the Harry Potter series, plus she's got other books started too. A real bookworm! Takes after her old mom.

My son started kindergarten, is starting to read, and just lost his first tooth last night!! He's so excited about that! He's working through his existential dying stuff too (talks about it frequently and casually), seems pretty comfortable (at this moment) with death as (a sad) part of life. He loves learning, and I am having a wonderful time learning about things like space/the cosmos with him.

Oooooh, and I am taking a major personal risk too. I'm so shy and socially anxious, and rarely volunteer for any school stuff (fund raising, parent association, etc.) because of it. The school is starting up a Destination Imagination program, and I really wanted the kids to have an opportunity to participate but early on there weren't enough parents volunteering to manage teams for all the kids to participate. So I volunteered, which is really uncomfortable and scary. But so far it's going pretty well! I'm proud of myself, I have to say.

eta that I'm still struggling with my anger too but getting much better overall. I do agree that when it comes to parenting, so much is about us parents learning to deal with our own issues. Which is tough.

[TEAK's Mom]

Wow, it is so good to "see" all of you again. Thanks, Pat, for bumping this thread up. It is wonderful to see how far we have all come with our kids...

We're doing pretty well, too. TEAK (five and a half) is happily unschooling and researching everything under the sun. She reads and remembers everything. The other big thing for her is that she is taking a dance class this year. The kid who would not join a group of any kind EVER is now in a structured dance class working along with 14 other girls. She's still her quirky, sensitive self, but she is so strong, smart, and oh yeah, fuschia-haired.

ABKA is also three and in the throes of existential crises, too. Guess it's in the air this year. But, she is also growing so passionate. She's also taking dance and is amazing to watch. She is so focused and driven about it, but she also brings such joy to her work.

Like Bearsmama, I have more to say, but have to go.

Hugs to all!

[PrennaMama]

I was JUST recommending this thread to my dear friend. She is going through some big challenges with especially high needs boys... one of them is really just such a complicated case... she could really use some support and wisdom... I'm forwarding this to her...