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17 yr old SD is preggo!

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
Yup, that's what I said. My dh just found out this weekend when he took the kids to a family reunion 600 miles away.
History is repeating itself. If you all have read any of some of my previous post, you'll know why. Bio-mom had her first when she was 16 and now is up to nine with 6-7 different fathers. Bio-mom is horrible, toxic human being who has most of her kids taken away because of abuse and neglect. Drank and did drugs throughout everyone of her pregs. This is explained more in my pp's.

Anyways, she is four months along and won't give it up for adoption. (funny, she was just saying not long ago how she wised she was never born because she has such a horrible mother). The father of the baby is already claiming it is not his. (gee, this sounds like a Maury Povich episode)
She didn't gaduate from high school and the job she has is at a fast food joint. She's been smoking cigs (would not be surpised if she was imbibing alcohal and drugs also) while she is pg, just like her mother. Funny, she used to say so much how she hated what her mother has done and didn't want to be like her. So what's happening now? I could see the signs a while ago. SD is high strung, tempermental, showing signs of Personality Disorder (biomom has it), they both have a HUGH sense of entitlement, (it's all about me, me, me! the world revolves around ME!), they both take absolutly no responsibilty for their actions, it is always "somebody else's" fault.
She already expects my DH to totally support her and the baby financially.
We don't have that much money so I don't see how that would happen.
Besides, she has not been living here for close to two years after she got hauled out of here by the police because she physically attacked her father.
She can never live in this house again because she lied to CPS and put our two young boyz at great risk. That is unforgiveable in my book.
Thank god she will be 18 in less than two weeks. You're an adult now, baby!
You will have to deal with the consequences of you actions. Unforntunatly, that poor baby will be the one to suffer the most.
post #2 of 18
Sounds kinda like me at 17-18. I got pregnant with dd at 18, and let me tell you, having her straightened me up FAST!! My mother was just as this girls bio-mom sounds, and I never let that become an 'excuse' to be that way! I worked my butt off, and still do.

Please don't give up on this girl!!! She needs a positive mother figure to get her through this!!

Hugs and good luck!!
post #3 of 18
My DSD was getting in lots of trouble at 14 or 15 and got pregnant. She gave birth at 16.5. It totally turned her life around, she is a wonderful mother, and her and the father live together (and are getting married next year) he is getting his Associates Degree and going to do a 4 year degree and she just graduated High School. She is GREAT and says that having a baby get her back on track.

Hoping your DSD can do the same thing and gets the support she needs to do this.
post #4 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
Please don't give up on this girl!!! She needs a positive mother figure to get her through this!!
I hope I'm not butting in, I just came across this thread. But I wanted to agree to this. You might be surprised so please don't label her as a bad mother already (although the whole possible alcohol and drugs would not be good).

I got pregnant at 18. At the time I was on a path to self destruction. Alcohol/parties every weekend, drugs (only pot), etc. I had graduated from high school but was doing nothing more. I worked at Subway. I was heading nowhere. Getting pregnant was not done on purpose, but was the best damn thing that could have happened to me. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on my head. I realized this wasn't about me anymore- I had my baby to think about. The day I found out I was pregnant (early on, around 5 weeks) I gave up cigarettes (I only rarely smoked anyway), pot, and alcohol. I started getting my life back on track. Now my baby is almost 2 and I am in an online college getting my associates degree in early childhood education. I dumped his father (who was not a good thing for either of us at that time). I work full time watching a 3 year old (I take DS with me). I will be moving out this fall and fully supporting myself and my son (the only state help is Medicaid for my DS). When I think about what life would be like without my DS I have no doubt I would be in the same hole I was in before- living just to get high and party. I would have never gotten the kick in the butt I needed.

All that to say don't give up on her yet. Have faith that she'll start making some good decisions. She might just need someone to be there for her and tell her that she CAN turn her life around. If she doesn't believe she can then she won't even make an effort. And that would be horrible for this baby.
post #5 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all you kind replies.
I really do hope this is her wake up call. Unfortunatlly there is a much deeper problem with her that goes way back than just being a teenager going through a rough patch. My Dh won custody of his daughters when then were 4.5 and 5. SD1 was out of controll from the get go. We have had 10 + years of her treating everybody she comes in contact with like absolute s#*t. We got her counseling, tested for anything physical, tried GD and tough love. We lived in the same house all this time whereas her mother has never lived in the same place for more than a year, so she had a stable living enviroment.
She (and her mother) are one those kind of people who always need to make sure if they are not happy, then dammit, nobody else is going to be either.
They think that if you love them, you will put up with their bs, give them whatever they want and do everything for them.
Throughout all these years, all of my family and her dad's side have showed her lots of love. My family has treated her like she was their blood, even not - so -close relatives you only see once or twice a year. She has had so much positive influence over the years and still she has not seemed to learned anything at all about how to treat people decently.
Sd is also very smart, acedemicly and street, she could do amazing, positive things with her life.
post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 
ugh, the computer is being goofey and posted before I was ready!

I don't know how this is all going to turn out, SD has pretty much burned all of her bridges (very badly too). Me and my family would have been more than willing to do whatever we could to help her out, but after getting treated like s#*t for many, many years, what can we do. She has NEVER shown ANY graditude for what everybody has done for her, never once apoligized for her actions or tried to change her behavoir and attitude.
Like I said, it's not that she has been like this for a short period of time, we all know how rough the teen years can be, she has been like this throughout the 10 + years I've known her, despite all the counseling, Gd, tough love, just plain old love and understanding , and chances and opprotunitys she's been givin.

Geez, thanks again for listening.
post #7 of 18
Please offer to be a guide, a helping hand, a mentor, a shoulder to cry on... anything. This girl has made very bad judgments, but she needs your help.

If you don't want her to turn out like her mom.... please provide her with a more positive figure to look up to!
post #8 of 18
My sis sounds just like your SD and having her son has made her into a decent person. She was a high school drop out, had nothing jobs, but she is getting better. She is back in school now. Just be there. pretty soon all her good time friends will be gone and she will need help. I know the pain you feel over her past behavior but try to set it aside and see her for what she is. A child having a child. I was 21 when my dd was born but I felt 2 the day Ibrought her home. Even though she may be a legal adult she is far from an emotional one. Give her an example of good mothering and wait for her to come around. If you write her off completely you are dooming your grandbaby to a life of hardship.
post #9 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65
Me and my family would have been more than willing to do whatever we could to help her out, but after getting treated like s#*t for many, many years, what can we do. She has NEVER shown ANY graditude for what everybody has done for her, never once apoligized for her actions or tried to change her behavoir and attitude.
What can you do? You can be the mature ones and show love to that BABY! That's what you can do..

Honestly, the more you talk about this girl, the more she sounds just like me...lol I was out of control, anger problems, and MAJOR entitlement issues (everything was always ME ME ME!).... Life works in funny ways, but if all you're doing is showing this kid that she doesn't deserve love, how else do you expect her to act?

I know it must suck to be treated like crap by a child in the family, but this child has obviously gone through something bad in life to be dealing with this...

I was eventually diagnosed as bipolar and obsessive-compulsive. I still (admittingly) deal with my anger issues and entitlement issues everyday. It's not something that will ever just go away, or stop... But I work hard on it, and having LOVING and SUPPORTIVE people in my life now is what helps the most...

I feel so much like this girl sounds like I used to be, and the person I still struggle not to be anymore... And when I read what you say, I hear all the people on my family who had no faith in me either...

Please don't give up on this girl... Try... If for nothing else, try for that baby to be a good role model, and a help in it's life...
post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 
I agree with you, we do need to love and support THE BABY. Unfortunaltly, SD uses your love to take advantage. I can hear it already,"you can't see the baby unless you do everything for me!" She is already demanding that DH pay all of her rent and everything else. Excuse me, we barely make ends meet here. You made the choice to leave this house.
She definently gets off on the pity thing. "Oh, whao is me. I've had such a terrible life. I can't do anything for myself and you are the worst person in the world if you don't give into MY demands!" She actually has not had a horrible life. when she lived with us, she ALWAYS had a roof over her head and plenty of food in the house, endless love and support from everybody. But THAT was not enough. She didn't move in with her mother until she was 13. That was totally her choice. After that is was an endless cycle of biomom would get evicted, get kicked out of lastest bf's place, etc and she would have to come back here until she decided she didn't like to follow any rules and usually get hauled off by the police.
post #11 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65
She actually has not had a horrible life. when she lived with us, she ALWAYS had a roof over her head and plenty of food in the house, endless love and support from everybody. But THAT was not enough.
So, what if she is like me... Bipolar, or something similar... You think having food and a roof over her head makes her life so wonderful?!

Seriously. Just because YOU don't think her life was harsh, doesn't make it 100% accurate. Sure, shre may have chosen to leave, but she was, what did you say? 13, at the time??? Probably not the best of choices, then again, how many 13 year olds do you know who make wonderful life choices?!

Seriously. The girl has issues. Noone's saying otherwise, but you just seem so hellbent on not liking her because of this or that, and don't seem to give a crap about helping...

Sorry, but I have no pity for you... Just this girl and her baby, whom have seeminly been abandoned at the ripe old age of 17...
post #12 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
So, what if she is like me... Bipolar, or something similar... You think having food and a roof over her head makes her life so wonderful?!

Seriously. Just because YOU don't think her life was harsh, doesn't make it 100% accurate. Sure, shre may have chosen to leave, but she was, what did you say? 13, at the time??? Probably not the best of choices, then again, how many 13 year olds do you know who make wonderful life choices?!

Seriously. The girl has issues. Noone's saying otherwise, but you just seem so hellbent on not liking her because of this or that, and don't seem to give a crap about helping...

Sorry, but I have no pity for you... Just this girl and her baby, whom have seeminly been abandoned at the ripe old age of 17...
:

Seriously, having been a mom for the first time at 15 and the second at 18, I can feel for that girl. It's not easy coming from a disfunctional background. It's got to be even harder when you don't have any support (real or perceived). She needs help. She probably has a lot of psychological issues to work out. She will more than likely benefit from some parenting classes. If she was my child (or step child) I'd be looking up every resource I could find for her to make sure that I wasn't the one who gave up on her. To make sure that she and her baby had the best life available.
post #13 of 18
:

I had my oldest when I was 19 (that was 8 years ago, MAN!) - I also had a lot of issues to work out fast and couldn't have done it without my parents' support - and I don't mean financial, but real emotional support, just helping me sort through the huge changes that were happening all at once.

If you and your dh can't support her financially, maybe you could:

print out the medic-aid forms and sit down with her while she fills them out
take her to the WIC office to apply for those services
take her to a pre-natal appointment
find a pre-natal class for young mothers and go to a class with her (this helped me A LOT)
find a free parenting class at the local hospital


"support" doesn't mean you have to pay her rent - but she needs a parent right now more than anything - and that's you and your DH, whether you like it or not.

Good luck to your family, I really hope this turns out to be a blessing for you all.
post #14 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65
She actually has not had a horrible life. when she lived with us, she ALWAYS had a roof over her head and plenty of food in the house, endless love and support from everybody. But THAT was not enough. She didn't move in with her mother until she was 13. That was totally her choice. After that is was an endless cycle of biomom would get evicted, get kicked out of lastest bf's place, etc and she would have to come back here until she decided she didn't like to follow any rules and usually get hauled off by the police.
Wow Iam really not tring to be confrontational here so please take this in the compassionate tone it is offered. It sounds as if she really has had it pretty rough. She may have chosen to go live with her mother but it sounds like that situation was terrible and as a pp pointed out she was just 13 . Even if things had gone perfectly she still also has to deal with the fact that things didn't work out between her mom and dad. Step families are so complicated . Please offer her the endless love and support you spoke of in your post! I know it is difficult to swallow your pride & keep reaching out to someone and getting burned but show her that children are worth it! I am sure you would for one of your Bio children.
post #15 of 18
Please keep in mind that this girl is a child. She has had a hard road, and it's going to be bumpier before it gets bettter. Children don't always make good decisions, but I don't think that she deserves to be cast aside or relegated to her fate. You can choose to help her depsite all she has done. It sounds like she's got major issues, and they aren't likely to get better without positive support.

That said, I've seen some girl-moms totally turn their lives around--complete 180--just after the birth of their child. It's an incredible thing to witness, and I hope you get to help her transform.
post #16 of 18
I had my first children when I was 15 years old. I had stillborn twin boys, they died not due to being young but rather placenta previa abruptia. I had my second set of twins born alive at age 18 but found out about them at 17. I am married and have four kids total. Yes my twins have a different biological part that is not my husband. I don't think that makes me a bad person though, it isn't my fault that my ex wasn't a good dad.

I lived with my mom and dad for the first year of my twins life, I did it all on my own and I think I did ok. My mother gave me a break with rent I only paid $300 a month and that included meals for me. I feel for you. I know you must be so disapointed in this turn of events. Maybe you could sit down with her and discuss going and talking to other young moms about their troubles so she gets an idea of what life will be like. If you could maybe sit with her and tell her you will support her emotionaly with her choice but you expect her to do it right, no smoking and being on her own finacialy.

My mother showed me where I could get baby supplies at a low cost(second hand stores) and even went with me shopping even though I paid for it all. My mother asked me what kind of mom I wanted to be, she pointed out my dad's ex wife as an example, and even my babies father. I decided that I wanted to be better then that. I hope you are able to help this child, I know it will be hard and frustrating and I hope I was able to give you some good idea's.
post #17 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diane~Alena
I had my first children when I was 15 years old. I had stillborn twin boys, they died not due to being young but rather placenta previa abruptia. I had my second set of twins born alive at age 18 but found out about them at 17. I am married and have four kids total. Yes my twins have a different biological part that is not my husband. I don't think that makes me a bad person though, it isn't my fault that my ex wasn't a good dad.
Just wanted to say what a beautiful family you have on your link, and you must be so brave to have come through so much at such a young age. Definitely an inspiration to a lot of people I am sure. Your twins are beautiful.

It sounds like a difficult situation for the OP but I hope this will be an opportunity for a fresh start. I know there are lots of resources out there for young mothers, and maybe if your DSD connects with some other young women in her situation who have turned things around and are being the best mother they can be it might help. The miracle of a baby can bring about some amazing transformations so hope this is the case for your DSD. It might be just what she needs to help her on the right path, for my DSD it definitely was.
post #18 of 18
Sounds like you are really mad at her mom. But this girl is not a carbon copy of her mom. She is 1/2 your dh and 8+ years your home. Those things don't go away - they are as much her as her mom and her mom's home. Sounds like, food and shelter and "unconditional" love notwithstanding, she has had a hard time. Step-moms are not moms, and I'm sure a 5 year old struggled with both anger at her mom's neglect an immense longing for her mom. Of coruse she always wanted to be with her mom (though she was also so angry at her), of course she feels her identity and possibilities linked with the bad models her mom set.

But you are also her family, and you can still set a new model. You can love her unconditionally. It doesn't matter what she does or who she is, you love her because she is your family. It isn't about you or how someone is treating you (i.e. like shit), it is about a pretty messed up (maybe mentally ill) teenager. This doesn't mean you pay her rent or even let her move in (given teh cps incident), but it does mean you offer her emotional support (telling her that she can do this, that she can create a happy, healthy home for her child since that is what she has choosen) and you tell her you are always there to talk and you try to get her the services she and her baby (your grandchild) will need.

Good luck. I just don't see the goodness or rightousness of being angry at a messed up, unstable teenager, especially when this teenager is so closely related to you. What good can come of the anger for you or for her or for your family?
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