"Mommy, what ARE the bad words?"

[LunaMom]

Okay, some of you may approach this differently than I do, but I completely refrain from using foul language around my child. She's 6 1/2, and my only one. I use plenty of those words around adults, trust me, but I'm really good at turning them off, perhaps because I used to teach and it might have gotten me into trouble to say to the kids, "Why don't you ever do your f*&%ing homework???" :LOL

Anyway, I just don't like Dd hearing those kinds of words, so if there is a song on the radio and I know a word is coming - and I don't listen to gangsta rap, even Sarah McLachlan curses in "Building A Mystery" - I'll quickly turn down the volume!

So DD will ask why I did that, and I'll tell her that there's a not-so-nice word in there that she doesn't need to hear. I try not to say "bad word." So, of course, she wants to know what it is. She says, "Just tell me, Mommy, I promise I won't say it, I'm just curious!"

Of course she's curious - I've made a whole intriguing mystery (hey, I guess I'm building my own mystery, ha ha) out of these bad words that she doesn't know, and she's just dying to know what on earth they might be!

So far I've just refused to tell her and then made some sort of joke to distract her - you know, say the word is "higgledy piggledy poo" so she'll laugh, and then she just forgets about it. But really, how would others handle this? Is there anyone who would just say, "Well, sweetie pie, the word I didn't want you to hear is 'fu*k' "? I just cannot see myself doing that!

I feel kind of ridiculous asking this question, but I just had to throw it out there!

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by LunaMom

Is there anyone who would just say, "Well, sweetie pie, the word I didn't want you to hear is 'fu*k' "? I just cannot see myself doing that!

Well, I would, but we have recently run into a problem along the same lines.

DD is currently really into Les Mis (Broadway recording that is). She sings along, she likes to listen to it, she retells the story, etc... But she recently got the words to it and reads along. DP generally skips over Lovely Ladies, but now DD reads it and I really see this going places that I don't want to go ("standing up or lying down or anyway at all" or "waiting for the customer that only comes at night" ring a bell ).

So, no advice but wanted to hear any recommendations.

[UnschoolnMa]

This is part of the reason we haven't separated words into categories of "bad" or "good". It creates such a mystery around "those words. My children are allowed to say whatever words they want to, and we have never censored music so I am not the best resource I suppose. To answer your question, though:

Is there anyone who would just say, "Well, sweetie pie, the word I didn't want you to hear is 'fu*k' "?

Yes, I would. I guess just tell her that there are words people use that many other people think aren't very nice.

[nicole lisa]

We haven't censored any words either; not in music or our own speech or DS' speech. If we did I would tell her but then follow up with something about how you feel about them and ask that she refrain from using them. Kinda like other things they know about but don't use, like alcohol or cigarettes. DS knows about these (we have drinks with friends and at dinner and many of our friends smoke) so they aren't a mystery to him but he knows they're not something he gets to use.

[BelovedK]

I just tell my DC that there are no truly bad words, just the energy people have given them...which is why we don't say *what the f*&k* around granny, she just wouldn't understand. I also try (key word, try) to censor my words around them and just generally, so it's not just about them.

[MamaBug]

I TRY to censor myself but well... I stink at it. So my boys have heard me curse on too many occasions to count. From a very early age though my boys have known that mommy and daddy may say words that are not for children to say. Just like I can drive, smoke, drink and vote and they cannot, thus it is with *bad* words. They totally understand and they don't say them, ever. I also told them that I want to stop using this kind of language and need thier help and when I use the words that are not nice they can tell me to stop and give me a fine for their piggy bank.

I think your dd is old enough to understand that there are just words that children should not say. However my boys have never asked what these words mean, thank GOD! but your dd might as the words are new to her :LOL so well if your going to tell her the words be prepared to explain what they mean as well! GOOD Luck!

[m0mto3]

oops I slipped

Well unfortunately my DD has heard me use the S**T word once or twice (literally) and today she used it in a perfectly correct context.
I looked at her and said, where did you hear that word? Her answer, From you.....
so I said well Mommy shouldn't say that, and I really don't want to hear you talk that way, because it isn't very nice, nor does it show how intelligent you are. If you're frustrated about something, let's talk about it using words that really express the trouble.

This from a mom who turns the volume down on the Loonette and Molly tape when Loonette sings "jerk" (who would think a pbs show would have the star singing that word anyway?)

[onlyzombiecat]

My dd is 5 and we don't really censor words in songs or TV... we don't play really bad stuff around her but it is hard these days to remain totally pure. Most of the time she doesn't really notice if we don't react.

We try not to use the words we don't want her to use but we slip sometimes. I think it is better to talk through it than try to hide it.
For example, dh was playing a video game the other day and lost badly and let a few words slip. Dd repeated it so I said that we shouldn't really use words like that should we and suggested we all try to think of a better word Daddy could say... we all tossed out suggestions and dh found an acceptable word to vent with.
It seemed to work. I don't think dd will be so curious to say it now.

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

This is part of the reason we haven't separated words into categories of "bad" or "good". It creates such a mystery around "those words. My children are allowed to say whatever words they want to, and we have never censored music so I am not the best resource I suppose. To answer your question, though:

Yes, I would. I guess just tell her that there are words people use that many other people think aren't very nice.

I'm with UnschoolnMa, and that is also how my parents raised me.

Words are words. Nothing more, nothing less. Like everything else in the world there are appropriate times and inappropriate times. But yeah, I am not the best person to be giving advice on this because I am extremely laid back when it comes to swearing, and I realize that I am definitely in the minority in that.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by LunaMom

But really, how would others handle this? Is there anyone who would just say, "Well, sweetie pie, the word I didn't want you to hear is 'fu*k' "? I just cannot see myself doing that!

I haven't kept my kids from hearing certain words, but when something rude comes up, (whether is's "fu*k" or "jerk") I'll tell them what it means and explain that it's rude. I'll also inform them if it's something that be a good idea to not say in front of grandma. We've also talked a lot about how words are used. Personally, I think saying "Fu*k" after you've just smashed your finger with a hammer is not as bad as calling someone an idiot. To me, it's all about context. Although, as I said, I make sure they know what's socially accepted.

[Fiercemama]

:

This reminds me of a very old book I have, I think its called A Bag of Noodles. One of the "noodles" goes something like this: We think of words like "love" as good, and "vomit" and "death" as bad. But "love" can be painful to someone who is being cheated on, vomit can be a happy word to a mother who's child has swallowed a pin, and "death" can be a sweet release to someone in pain with a chronic illness. Words in and of themselves are not good or bad. Its how you use them.

ITA that its about the context, energy of delivery and appropriateness of how the word is used. When our lovely neighbors use f**k as every 3 word in their vocabulary, that's not appropriate. If DH said it upon dropping a cinder block on his toes, its OK. I've reprimanded my DD for saying "poo poo head" with such a venom that you might have thought she was calling the person in question a mofo.

[stafl]

I simply tell them it's bad manners to use certain words, that those words convey a lack of respect for the people hearing you say them. It ties into all the good manners and emphasis on respect I've been teaching my kids. "But Mommy, I heard you say..." *sigh* "Well, I shouldn't have said that, it wasn't very nice." or something along those lines.


DH has a similar, but different approach. Some words are okay around some people. Other people get offended when they hear certain words, so we don't use them out of respect for their feelings. We grew up with some friends who were allowed to curse like sailors at home, but were not allowed to speak like that around other people. DH likes that approach, and is integrating it into our own home.

[kewb]

I don't use curse words myself so my children really have been exposed to few not so nice words. The ones they have heard, I have discussed with them what the word means and why we do not use the word. Fortunately for me, the F word has not come up yet.

[LunaMom]

Okay, when you say that you tell your child what the words mean, do you mean that if you drop a raw egg on the floor and say, "Oh, sh*t!" you explain that it is a way of saying "Oh no," or you actually tell them that it is another word for poo? Then would you need to explain what poo has to do with dropping an egg on the floor?

I swear I'm not being facetious; I'm really just curious!

I think if I slipped and said a word I would probably tell DD what I meant and maybe have her help me think of other words I could have used, but it just seems different when she's asking me to just tell her what the bad words are. Perhaps I should call George Carlin for his list... :LOL

Honestly, I think my main reason for not answering her and telling her the word or words in question is that I don't want to hear her say them. I just would cringe at those words coming out of the mouth of my innocent child!

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by LunaMom

Okay, when you say that you tell your child what the words mean, do you mean that if you drop a raw egg on the floor and say, "Oh, sh*t!" you explain that it is a way of saying "Oh no," or you actually tell them that it is another word for poo? Then would you need to explain what poo has to do with dropping an egg on the floor?

I explain both the literal and figurative definitions. Mostly, you need both in order to understand the meaning of the phrase as it's used.

[stafl]

Whenever my DD asks me a question, I answer her straightforward and honestly. I think that being dishonest or skirting the issue only makes it more attractive to children, especially the rebellious sort of kids like mine. But I make sure she knows that it hurts people's feelings when they hear someone say certain things. I try really hard to emphasize how it makes other people feel, and that we must always try to respect other people's feelings. It sinks in if I tell her it would hurt Oma's feelings if she heard her say certain things.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by TiredX2

("standing up or lying down or anyway at all" or "waiting for the customer that only comes at night" ring a bell ).

"Doesn't take a lot of savvy just to be a..." Yeah, I can see where that is going. :LOL

[MamaBug]

Originally Posted by stafl

DH has a similar, but different approach. Some words are okay around some people. Other people get offended when they hear certain words, so we don't use them out of respect for their feelings. We grew up with some friends who were allowed to curse like sailors at home, but were not allowed to speak like that around other people. DH likes that approach, and is integrating it into our own home.

This is basically what I do. There are certain ppl that I would never use foul language around and others where they could care less as they use it too.


LunaMom I was not talking about me, my kids don't ask what they mean, they just know not to use them. My thought is is YOUR dd is just asking for the words she may also want to know what they mean, kwim? And fwiw I would tell my boys how I meant them when I said them, because the real meaning of curse words is not always what we mean when we say them, kwim?

[Linda on the move]

My DH swears up a storm when he is on his cell phone talking to work. He has entire conversations where he listens, swears, listens more, and swears more. My kids know every swear word you can imagine and some very colorful ways of stringing them together.

None the less, they seldom swear. We've explained that some of their friends parents would have a big problem with it and that at some places they go (like Girls Scouts) they would get into trouble. Based on the way that it would impact their lives at this time, they choose not to.

They do tell their daddy that he is "talking out his arse" but he often is and he just laughs when they point it out.

Their concept of "bad" words is different than most kids. They would never ever call a person fat or stupid because it would hurt their feelings -- but they might say sh*t if they hit their thumb with a hammer.

I think turning down the music when the "bad" words come up just draws attention to the language.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by LunaMom

Is there anyone who would just say, "Well, sweetie pie, the word I didn't want you to hear is 'fu*k' "?

Yup, that's exactly what I do. I also explain that fu*k is a bad word meaning "having sex" and sh!t is a bad word meaning poop, etc.