How do you stay attached to your 8yr old?

[maemaesmama]

My first born daughter just turned 8. I can't hardly believe it. I don't feel unattached, but do miss the bond that I had with her when she was younger. Does it just disipate over the years? I was looking for helpful ideas of ways to get closer as she gets older. There must be other mama's with older & younger children. I'm sure when my fourth child is grown I will have answered my own question, but this is what you guys are here for right? Thaks so much ~Jess

[Linda on the move]

What do you guys do together? My old year old really loves doing crafts and we like visiting Micheal's together and finding new things and working on them together. We also like trying new recipes together. It is different than when she was younger; our relationship is changing. She doesn't need me the same way she used to -- in many ways she can take care of herself. Yet we can enjoy hobbies together in a way that we couldn't when she was younger. It is really fun to do things with her now, and it used to be so much work.

[philomom]

You can read her books and talk about them. Invite her to your bed for tickle time or snuggles. Take her somewhere just by yourselves for an ice cream or other treat. Have her plan part of your next vacation. Teach her to cook and care for herself. I those "grown up lessons" and teach how to put on a button, make pasta, do the wash and etc. We do the chores together and talk about her future at college or her first apartment.

[**guest**]

have you read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld?

the book is devoted to attachment in older children and how to maintain it. it does not have 'fix its' and is mainly theoretical, but it is an easy read.

i read it keeping mine 3 year old in mind, and it was an eye opener.

i can't recommend it enough.

it used to be on only amazon.ca, but it is probably on the american site as well.

[j924]

My oldest recently turned eight. Sometimes when I look her, I want to cry because she is so grown up. I have been trying to spend a lot of one on one time with her. We have also been reading harder chapter books together at night. Mostly though I have been cuddling with her a lot more. She is very touchy feely and needs a ton of physical affection. I think this helps most of all in helping me to remember on some level she is still my first baby

[guest^]

I have had a really hard time with this very issue!!!! I've been checking out books from the library, reading book reviews on Amazon,talking with other Moms,ect..

I am a very controlling person by nature, and when I am sick, I am out of control with it(seeing a professional about it now). What I have learned in the last month, is to let my dd have more choices over everything that pertains to her. Hair,clothes(within my modest rules),activities she has chosen-AND-I've discovered that she needs a LOT of physical activities in her life right now. For ex: she has always wanted to take soccer, but because it isn't a "lifelong" sport, I've steered her away from it. Well, I finally said yes, and she lovesit and seems happier. She wants to swim year round, so I am trying to figure out how we can make that happen. I wanted her to take piano, she has wanted to play violin. I have her signed up for violin. IOW- I am letting her make her decisions in her life-of course staying within the boundaries of our family's values.

I have given her a prayer journal to write whenver she wants to-noone can read it-it's between she and God. I have given her a "journalist's daily report book"(another journal!) so she can sit down everyday and "report" what she did each day. And i am letting her have more important chores in and out of the house.

Lastly, I am taking more of an intense interest in her dreams and desires,instead of just replying,"uh-huh...", I am asking her more questions about things she likes, and then theinking about those things when I am shopping. EX: she loves horses, and I see a little notebook with a beautiful horse on it, so I get it for her. JUst little things like that to show her I really am paying attention to what she says to me, and I am taking an active part in supporting her love of horses.(We can't afford lessons!!)

Also, I have stopped complaining about my daily tasks I have as a mom and wife and homeschool teacher. I have been wondering if she feels guilty about all I do for her-so I am retraining myself to speak up about the joy I really have *most* of the time, and trying *not* to complain too much. Also complementing her on the good behaviors, what she is wearing, how her hair is fixed,etc.

ONce a monthe we have always taken a Saturday to have mom/daughter dates. We share picking what we want to do.

THanks for this topic, I would love to hear other's experiences and thoughts.

mp

[BelovedBird]

HI!
I just started a thread in this section called "when we have a good day" (or something like that! ) About my 8 yr old. He is 8 and a half and I am finding it an interesting journey to parent him as he grows into a mature person! We play games together- Racko, Rummikub, etc. We learn about things on the internet- usually prompted by a question from him. Take walks together and after yesterday we will probably be spendind some time each day cleaning up and straightenting the house together!

[simple living mama]

I also have an 8 year old daughter who is going through changes. I really love what mammapoppin had to say especially noticing little things about her physical appearance. So important to an eight year old and very sweet on mamma's part. I think also it was perceptive to notice the uh-huh's and the complaining. What a fantastic shift to make as an eight year old is very sensitive and picking up on everything. And buying her little things that she's into. She may not get horse riding lessons but you acknowledge her love of horses and that's huge. Good wisdom mammapoppins.

The other day I had to apologize to my eight year old . I explained I was having a hard day and I took it out on her. She really appreciated the apology. Later on in the day she was having a moment and decided to use me to get her aggression out. I was so upset but a little while later she came in and apologized to me.

I was truly surprised because it was such a mature thing to do on her part. Then I remembered what happened earlier. She was modeling my behavior. (maybe both good and bad) but the point is, it was a moment where we really connected, hugged real tight and said sorry and forgave. Those little moments are so special.

I think the best thing we do that helps keep us connected is read together at night. We've been doing it since she was a wee dot and I will continue as long as she lets me.

[mamachandi]

mamapoppina and simple living mama- I really appreciate all the things you said! I plan to use some of your ideas!! I have an 11 year old-she is a loving child and shows her love to me daily. I believe it is because of AP. She still kisses me good night, we read together and we talk alot. We homeschool so I think it helps time -wise.
We have our tough moments though and she def. models my bad behaviour(I am still workin on it!). she also models my good behaviour(thank goodness!).
We are planning a 'coming of age party' next month with a few of her friends and their moms. I am so excited and the girls are too! Its so wonderful that they are looking forward to their menarche instead of dreading it. She is helping me with the planning and its such a lovely memory that we are making...

[lisamarie]

Great Thread I remember this year that my ds turned 9 yo was a hard one. I kept thinking that I wanted another baby. Deep down, I knew that it wasn't true and finally figured out that I was grieving the loss of my "baby". These first 9 years have gone by so, so fast and I kept thinking that the next 9 would probably go by even faster. Then he would be 18 and would be leaving for college. I was crushed.

We really, really try to have just "our" time together. Usually, its at night, cuddling and just talking. I feel so fortunate that he still tells me so much about his life and feelings. I love just talking to him. Also, we like to play cards and board games together, just him and I. The simple things are the best.

Warmly~

Lisa

[maemaesmama]

Thank You!

What wonderful wisdom we have to offer as mothers. I appreciate the time you all took to respond to my question. It seems to me that we have been in a bit of a rut. This past year has been very hard for our family. My husband,a nd I were divorced. He's a recovered alcoholic. We were remarried in June when he saught counceling, and received help. I have felt it has taken focus away from Mae as she has become a young girl, and not a toddler. My babes are so easy. They nurse,a nd snuggle, and read. Piece of cake! Then you have Maeve, the most compasionate little soul. She has been caught in all this,a nd more aware than the little ones. I never faught with her dad, but I was hurting. I know she felt that. Now that we are a whole family, I find it easier to meet all those little needs that may have been overlooked. I will use all the suggestion offered here. Also plan to read the books! I love AP, and feel it has gotten me, and my children through somany hard times whern there was nothing else, but our love,a nd commitment to one another. I love my family

[UUMom]

Snuggling in bed and reading or even watching a movie together is a nice way for me to get so close i can smell their heads. I love that. When the 4 children are lounging all which way on my bed, and I stretch my feet under my 16 yr old's legs and he just lets me, and one child is leaning against my shoulder, and the 6 yr old is snuggled under the other armpit, another using my thigh for a pillow (lol) I take that moment to simply feel blessed to have that moment. It is very fullfilling for me.

Dinner time is nice as well, setting the table, getting everything ready-we are together and the conversation is relaxed. Chatting in the car is good. Playing Boggle or Scrabble or laughing when we play UNO is also fun.

Yk. laughing--that's the best now that I think of it. Family jokes, quoting funny movie lines to each other, dh and I pretending we are characters from plays and dancing and singing show tunes-- yk, from Chicago, or Chorus Line or West Side Story and generally acting silly. We can get a collective groan from all of them by simply grabbing hands and saying "And all. That. Ja--aaazz". The kids moan when we start doing that, but they also laugh. That makes me feel attached. Doing things that are just us.