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I'm scared of having step children VENT

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
I'm 24 with an almost 1yr old dd. My DP and I have been together for two years and we are ready to get married however I'm having a serious issue with his children. Please don't flame me for saying this but I dread their visits. I think they're rude and inconsiderate and their father will not ask them to act appropriately due to the fact that he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to be the "bad" guy. My family tried to welcome these children with open arms but after several visits with them they too dread the idea of them being around. My family and I are also scared that they are going to harm the baby either out of jealousy or carelessness. E is 8yr old F and I is 9yr old M.
On monday we took the children to six flags and although these children are being raised in a very poor household their mother has enlightened them to the fact that my family and I are well off so there is a constant stream of I wants and let's do this (things that are expensive that they do not do at home) when they are around and it's gotten to the point where the boy will even sulk and refuse to speak to anyone if he doesn't get his way.
Well by the end of the day I had had it I was sick of the kids and sick of DP letting them get away with this and turing on me and telling me to get over it and we had a HUGE fight in the car in front of the kids that led to both of us saying things that should not have been said and I said things in front of the kids that I should not have said and can not take back.
DP left for two day, they're mother has threatened to attack me and well needless to say the children are currently not allowed at our home. I honestly wont miss them but how do I overcome this with my fiance? And if they do come back how do I make him understand that I really feel he needs to set boundaries for these children?
post #2 of 15

Wow, I am sorry for you and yours. I know step-parenting can be a very hard task for even the best of us.

I dont have much insite for you as I have never been faced with this situation. I do agree you and your DP need to sit down and do some soul searching between the two of you.

Do you and he have the same, similar parenting ideas, Or does he just not want to be the 'bad guy' with his older children?

I hope things work out for you soon. Dont beat yourself up over the feelings you have. You as a mother must do what you feel is right/safe for your DC as well as yourself.

Does the step-children have any set rules at your home? Any type of consistency in your home? Have you and DP talked about the way this is affecting you personally, and how it is affecting your relationship?

all I can offer. Best wishes to you and yours!
post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 
We agree about some things as far as the children are concerned but not on others. I don't think the kids should run screaming through the house. He thinks it's ok. "they're having fun" He doesn't think that I should ask the kids to help out with things when they're at our house. I don't see a problem with asking one of them to put some dog food in a bowl or take the dachsund out back. I'm not asking anyone to sweep mop do dishes etc. I also don't think it's ok for the older kids to constantly be in the babies face. She's not used to it and i think over stimulates her. I've prided myself on having a rather calm peacful child. These older chilred are very high strung.
In talking and for the most part we have very similar ideas in parenting. However he doesn't do a whole lot of follow through with these kids when they are with us because he doesn't have regular visitation. We pretty much have the kids when their mother doesn't have time for them or when she wants us to buy them something.
post #4 of 15
I can totally relate! My SD's have been absolutly horrible and Dh didn't do enough about it. One SD's has changed is she is maybe more like a normal teenager now. (it took a weekend in jail on her 16th bday to figure it out!) The other refuses to change. She is also 17 & preggo. I am also getting flamed here for not wanting anything to do with the preggo one.
She sounds like your steps. Rude, disrespectful, bad attidude, all about me and so on. She's always been like this. Why should I continue to put up with her bs? Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you need to be put up with being treated like absolute s#*t. But is seems on this board, you don't love and support somebody if you won't put up with their bs, let them take atvantage of you, etc.
Your DP/DH needs to be firm but loving with his kids. He cannot tolerate any signs of disrespect directed at you. He also needs to show you respect in front of his kids and vis versa. Try not to disrespect their mother in front of them. I know, easier said than done, especially when biomom is a horrible toxic human being. Just try your best. He needs to be the one to dole out the consequences for their actions, not you. The rules need to be consistant and "fit the crime", so to speak. He also needs to follow through with the consequence adn stick to it! He needs to get over trying not to be the bad guy. It will ruin your relationship with him.
My Dh nearly lost me and our boyz because of the way he would let his daughters treat me and everybody else. I resented him because of it. It took a very long time and alot of effort on his part, but we are still together now.
It has probably helped that like I said, one SD finally straightned up and the preggo one has not lived here for 2 years.
If those kids are not going to respect your family, then they don't need to be near them until they learn to do so. You keep taking your kids to the fun stuff and when the other kids whine that they don't get that from you and your family, remind them of how THEY treat your family.
Do be there for those kids if or when they finally figure out your really not the bad guy. One of my SD's did figure it out. Now she is back living with us and we get along well really good. It also help the Dh set up some guidelines and rules BEFORE she even moved back in, and to his credit, he is sticking to them. The preggo one has not figured it out, not bothered to apolgized sincerly and who knows when she will. In the meantime, I'm still here and I still do love her, I just will not put up with any of her bs. I wouldn't worry too much about getting flamed here. I don't think some of them understand what it is like to be in a situation like this. They may not know what it is like to be kicked in the stomach when your preggo by your SD when they are flipping out just because they didn't get their way. They may not understand what it is like to have your kids put at risk both physcially and the threat of CPS hanging over your head because the SD TOTALLY LIED to them. I do not want my boyz exposed to the chaos, emotional upheavel and the disrespect my SD brought to this house.
I'd better quit now, I keep getting interupped which is not helping me to make much sense. I also don't want to take over your thread.
peace and good luck. Pm me if you need to , I promise I won't flame you.I have totally BTDT and still trying to figure it out!
post #5 of 15
No advice, just sympathy. It is really, really hard to parent someone else's child...especially if they have not been parented very effectively so far. We had my 12-year-old nephew for a summer, before we had our own child (I was pregnant) and it was very difficult. It also put a big strain on our marriage. I ended up deciding I had to put my husband and my baby first. It's totally different of course with these kids being your DP's kids. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
post #6 of 15
I had the same issues when I moved in with SO, and even now, still have alot of the same feelings.

The only difference, is dss lives with us (he's 9), and is only just now seeing his biomom on a regular basis, and even that was at my insistance. I've been asking for months for SO to at the very least talk to her about it, and honestly, it took me threatening to leave if he didn't start to work on some problems we have for him to even talk to her about it. The schedule is now in effect, and I'm much happier knowing when he'll be home, when he'll be gone etc.

He's also full of the 'I wants', and will not just sulk, but have a full-on meltdown if he doesn't get something he wants. I've been told this is just because he's 9, but honestly, I don't fully buy it... I really, truly feel it's a maipulation, and that SO's let it go on for a long time. Dss is not the adult, but until I lived here, they did whatever dss wanted, whenever dss wanted, and didn't do anything dss didn't wanna do. (including homework, regular bathing etc). IMO, it was chaos. He's a child! Children need boundaries, especially if you are dating and trying to get into a relationship with someone else, again IMO.

So, it caused alot of problems with us, and caused ALOT of 'you must not like dss', which is crap. I do love him. But I wouldn't tolerate his behavior from my own children, why should I tolerate it from a child I'm supposed to treat 'as my own'???

It's gotten alot better with talking. Honest talking. No put downs, no 'dss did this and I don't like it'. I also made alot of mistakes by just venting all at once all the things that bugged me about him Now, I see why SO thought I hated his son I feel so cruel the way I once went about venting my frustrations.

Don't get me wrong, the fight does still happen every now and then, especially if it's something SO and I don't agree on parenting-wise, but we've come to find out that we can compromise, even if we don't feel like we're willing to budge.

He has admitted that he wants to be the 'fun' parent, and that he's scared dss loves biomom more, or wants to live with her and not us. So, I understand and do feel for him..

It's a daily battle, and we're working hard on it. Good luck, and just try talking with your fiance. It's hard, but take it slow, and incorporate that you care about the children, but you need to have a parenting say if you're supposed to be seen as a parenting figure inb their lives. You need to be able to disagree with parenting choices and work on a compromise.
post #7 of 15
Hi sorry you are having a hard time. I think being a Step-Parent IS hard and I think its something you have to agree on before the marriage. I do understand about the differences in parenting, and I agree with the PP its something you need to work out and compromise with and not in front of the DSC. Its hard to stay neutral though sometimes, but they are his children and its important he stays a part of their life and has your support, at the same time he needs to respect you and they do too. DH told all of his 4 kids that they don't have to like me but they do have to respect me as an adult and head of the household.

Can you go to some kind of counselling to help you with this? Its hard when your DH does not support you, and its going to put a huge strain on your marriage if you can't work it out. There is a really good book called Step-Parenting by Jeanette Lomas that helped me a lot too maybe your DH can read it.

I have been lucky my DH is great and so are my 4 step-kids but it is still a challenging relationship - but it also can be very fulfilling and worthwhile. I was from a divorced family though was older and did not see my father for 18 years. So I really had a lot of empathy for my DSC and I honestly do think that helps. Its hard when they are acting out, and sounds like your DH needs to be the parent, thats not helping them either.

I hope you can resolve this with your DH before your marriage, and his children can be a part of your life and who knows you may end up having a great relationship with them in the future.
post #8 of 15
Why doesn't he have regular visitation? Can he get regular visitation? It seems that seeing his kids regularly might not make him feel so desperate when they are there. Your rules sound resonable to me, we have no running in the house (that is for outside), kind of rules, too. Imagine in 5 years. Your stepkids are allowed to run through the house but your bio kid can't? No, you want to develope rules you are comfortable with now, the ones you plan on having for your child in the future. Of course, they need to be taught how to treat YOUR baby so you are all comfy with their presence. I don't know the situation but with such random visitation it seems hard to establish your family rules and expectations. It seems like maybe the kids are having some issues with their dad, too? Like, anger? Acting up around him, being selfish, pouting, etc. That kind of wild, out of controllness seems like a issue.
post #9 of 15
Originally Posted by Flor
Why doesn't he have regular visitation? Can he get regular visitation? It seems that seeing his kids regularly might not make him feel so desperate when they are there. .
I don't necessarily think this is true. Like I've said before, dss lives with us, and this is a huge issue for us as well... So, for some, it might help, but for us, it doesn't...

It seems like maybe the kids are having some issues with their dad, too? Like, anger? Acting up around him, being selfish, pouting, etc. That kind of wild, out of controllness seems like a issue.
This is another thing I'm not sure of. Dss is a wonderful child on a whole. He listens to everyone else. Doesn't give biomom a problem at all, doesn't give grandparents any problems, and when he's home with just me (SO at work), he normally doesn't give me problems. Just SO. He knows SO will let him get away with things. He uses it, IMO. I don't think it's anger, I just think it's a child who knows what he can get away with and with who...

Anyway, each family is very individual... So, see what things work for your family etc...
post #10 of 15
I think when kids have a parent who is too permissive, they kinda feel like that parent doesn't really care. Cuz if they cared, they'd set some boundaries, at least for safety (ie running htrough the house. This is what THEY feel, I know most parents care deeply adn just don't know how to handle things.) KWIM? Would your dh be willing to take a parenting class? Cuz I think he's being way too permissive and that is just as bad as the other extreme. Kids NEED limits and rules. THey really need them. And they need to feel useful and wanted. Asking them to help out around the house is a good way to give that to them. They might whine adn complain, but deep down, they feel useful and like they aren't just there b/c they have to be. THey're actually needed to help out when they're there. KWIM? I think a lot of kids in situations like this turn out badly b/c they think no one cares about them, cuz really, if someone had cared, they wouldn't have just let them do whatever, now would they?
post #11 of 15
whoa! seems to me that you really need to accept that this is the situation. when it comes to his kids 1. they will always come first and 2. you have little to no power. i want to have sympathy but i dont understand why you both are putting all your kids through all this? just think, these kids have to "visit" their own dad, his stb new wife, while some other child gets to be with their dad ALL THE TIME. the is alot of anger there and its totally reasonable. my advise is this: you and he should stop living together(if you do) and dedicate yourselves to your kids. Date him if you like, but really, put your kids first. dont they deserve it? i wish the best to you.
post #12 of 15
Originally Posted by hazeldust
my advise is this: you and he should stop living together(if you do) and dedicate yourselves to your kids.

If I read the original post correctly, this woman has a child with this guy.. They have every right to continue living together. Yeah, you should always put your kids first. That's why I left my dd's bio-father. But until she feels like he is no good for her dd, then she needs advice (<---sp) on that issue. That's what her post was about, I think. IMO.
post #13 of 15
If they don't see their dad that often, is it possible for him to do things with them without you & the baby? It sounds like they could benefit from some really good quality dad time. Is there a way he could do that? Then they wouldn't irritate you so much and the kids get some better time with their dad?

This is an issue that I think really needs to be addressed before you get married. This is too big of an issue to just let it slide.

Counseling or parenting books or classes are a good idea. I know many dads feel guilt at having left their kids and become too permissive. But as someone else posted, kids interpret that as not loving or caring about them, so in everyone's misinterpretation, it just backfires completely. If he could see that some boundaries are actually "expressing love" and not a means of punishment or control, maybe he'd be more willing to do that. This is also a good indicator of what he will be like with your little one and that could be a problem with your own child down the road.

My other thoughts are, just love his children. They are children. It is not their fault things didn't work with their parents. It's not their fault that they don't have a lot of money or that their mom does or doesn't do the best with them. They are doing the best they can to get love and attention probably from ANYONE who will throw some their way.

If they are acting up, it is a cry for love and attention, so love them.
post #14 of 15
oops sorry youre right sunrayemomi : in that case mschatsalots post says it all. good luck to ya!
post #15 of 15

Step parents vs Step children

I have 3 girls, two are my biologically and the oldest is
my boyfriend's. Now I don't consider her as a step-daughter, I call
her my daughter because I want her to understand no matter how
the dynamtics are I will always be a mom to her. I understand I won't be
"the real mom" persay, but I will be there in every aspect for her as a mom should be. I know we have had our trials. Just this weekend, we were travelling in the States, and my bf lost his calm in the car due extreme stress. The girls were all fighting, the little one was screaming in the back, the middle one was whining because of what her big sister was doing and then here comes the oldest. Getting angry with the middle child, because she "feels" that she has to "copy every move she makes." The van stops, suddenly you hear," STOP ACTING LIKE YOUR MOTHER!" Everything went dead, I looked at him with a glare. Under my breath, scolding him for those cruel remarks. I understand how it felt being that step child, and having to blend. It's not easy, I think that is why I am so passionate about her presence in our family. Probably why, I am in some aspects more protective. Because I know the damage of "not blending" can do. I felt years of resentment, hurt, pain, rejection and fear. My bf and I have what you would call," laid down the law." No one gets special treatment in the way of discipline. When it comes to discipline, there is equality in BOTH of us. I discipline his daughter, as he disciplines my own. We agree, and if we didn't we would sit down and discuss it later when the girls aren't present. I find myself, saying that my oldest is easier to handle then the youngest. I know that probably sounds pretty bad. But its the truth, she listens, she doesnt give me half the trouble my own do. But at the same time, she can be a bully, and she can get in my face about the other girls. We have a common understanding, she is just now becoming softer, and she knows my boundaries when it comes to her youngest siblings. I have told her, its now your responsiblity to "set the example." I can understand both sides, been there, done that and got the T shirt. Maybe they are acting up because they aren't coping with change well. There are sometimes things at home that they carry into your house, that has nothing to do with you. And I know this is hard to take, but sometimes its the only place they can vent and by venting they act out in various ways. I know when we picked our oldest up on Friday she was in a very "bad mood." I was like you are in a bad mood? She said yes, I said leave it at home. You are going to have a great time with us. She smiled, and gave me a hug. She knows, that she can talk to me anytime. I understand, and I will do anything in my power to get her to that stable place emotionally that I know she lacks back at her real mom's home. Just remember, kids are kids, its harder for them to identify their feelings, why they feel a certain way and how to express it without being mean, rude or disrepectful. Keep a line of communication open, have a to with them. Give them an outlet where they can express angry and all those emotions that they bottle up because that other parent doesn't take the time or want to take the time to emotionally be there. I hope this helps, any relationship will work as long as both parties are willing to work at it. I know my oldest had shunned me out for probably two weeks, not really respecting me, and I just kept putting my foot down but at the same time I spent extra time with her. Doing stuff like her hair, her nails, talking, trying to get a feel of what her "issue" was. Well, eventually she was able to clarify things at home weren't "good" and her behaviour was the direct reason of why she was acting that way. She lost her two foster siblings, that she was very close to, and her mom is expecting a new child soon, so she feels like she is being shoved off to the side, and paid no attention to. Well, she gets it here, reguardless if we have 2 girls or not. She knows there is always a place, always a time, and always a way that we are going to put aside for her.
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