Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre
I'm not saying nobody likes their stepchildren but it seems that all they have to say is bad.
I have a 4.5 year old stepson and he's a handful for sure! I now it's not often people get on here (or any forum on MOthering for that matter) to just post about a good day or anything...we come here to get things off our chest but there serisouly seems to be an underlying level of animosity/hostility etc.
This is something that has bothered me about this forum from the first time I posted here.
I answered on a couple of these threads with basically your OP, and was basically told I was wrong for saying it.
It is the reality, though. When my fiance met me, and likewise when I met him, we knew we each had children. When he moved in with me, he understood the ramifications of that. When his son came to live with us for the summer, I understood that it would mean adapting to the changes a new member of the family brings..but in the sense that he is a new child, no different than bringing home a new baby. Babies have different needs and personalties. Siblings can be completely different from one another, and this is the same when an older child becomes part of a family. Yet because they have their own personalities and individuality, that may be different from what you as a mother are used to, change becomes difficult. Are we less apt to adapt ourselves to the changes blended families face? What makes it any different from having another baby?
I know it sounds cruel, to say "Well you knew when you got involved, so if you can't handle it, rethink your relationship" but frankly, that is the way it is. You do have to climb more mountains in a blended family. Often times you are dealing with very sad children. These kids are having to start a whole new life again, just like you as an adult..when all they really want is their parents to love each other. Often times they blame themselves. Often times they will blame you. Often times they are so hate and anger-filled, they blame the world.
It is then when you should let your instincts as a mother come into play, because even if they aren't a newborn child, they need to be nurtured and loved and accepted into your family as if they are..and maybe, just like the mom who thinks her baby that cries endlessly, hates her..you'll have moments when you and this new child in your life don't click. You just have to try harder. Would you stop parenting your baby because it was hard? You therefore should not give up on a stepchild.
I realize some situations are more difficult than others, and maybe in theory you think you can handle it, but then the reality finds you resentful and unhappy. Then that is when the words I say over and over come into play. You can love your partner, but maybe a relationship together is not possible for the two of you. In the end, children should always come first.