I hate to say this.....

[Marlet]

Edited out. I realized people were still posting on here (I don't frequent this forum much due to security issues) and after reading some of the things posted I decided it was best to remove it. I hope I didn't cause too many people discomfort and a desire to not post here.

[Flor]

It is complicated. It seems like people feel comfortable talking here. Most people probably have few other people to talk to about this, even your own spouse. Is it just me or do other just not have the urge to post when all is well and everyone's feeling fine? I know that "great stepkids" thread was pretty dead for a while, not because we don't have great stepkids, maybe more drama on other threads. I adore my dss, but as he is gettingolder and entering adolescence (I married a man with a preschooler!) there are complications, frustrations, changes from those earliest days.

[Marlet]

I'm not saying nobody likes their stepchildren but it seems that all they have to say is bad. I have a 4.5 year old stepson and he's a handful for sure! I now it's not often people get on here (or any forum on MOthering for that matter) to just post about a good day or anything...we come here to get things off our chest but there serisouly seems to be an underlying level of animosity/hostility etc.

[Destinye]

I think it is a challenging relationship. I started the great step-kids thread and I DO have great step-kids our major issue has been their mother and I think a lot of times the relationship with DSC becomes very twisted and entertwined with this unfortunately. My parents divorced when I was 18 and my father married the woman he ran off with it was so out of the blue and I did not see him for a long time, though now we are in touch and I met his wife, who really is very nice and I think she is his soulmate, and more compatible than my mother was - but my mother loved him dearly, even though she is now with a great man. It was so devestating to our family especially my sister that when I decided to marry a man with 4 kids who were then aged 10 to 18 I could really relate to their feelings in this area, and I think that helped me more than anything. I am sure everyones situation is different, but I know when they have been acting out its because of emotions that need to be dealt with and thats what we have always tried to look at. They don't live with us though but are here a lot, but that has both good and bad aspects too.

I do think its very complicated, and also depends on the age of the children, how well you can bond with them too. I have worked hard to have a good relationship with all 4 of them, and like any relationship it takes work, and hate to be negative about the BM but she has a lot of issues (I posted in another thread because we really don't know what to do about DSS 12) and has really worked hard to undermine mine and DH's relationship with them. I think its a credit to DH and them they have really not allowed that to happen and we and them try to stay as neutral as possible and that has helped.

Anyhow I am rambling, and my point is that a lot of children in blended families have such mixed up emotions of sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and major guilt it also the emotions often are projected onto someone else and causes really difficult issues for the whole family, and while I am lucky (with my DH especially and how he has handled it) in many families and I am sure some children it just becomes overwhelming.

I do think when you marry someone with children you should accept them as part of the family though, and it does bring more than its fair share of challenges. I think everyone here is trying to do the best they can but sometimes its really hard, and this is a good place to vent.

[mamameg]

I think it's sort of unfair to say, 'you knew there would be stepkids, why are you with your partner if you didn't want that?' Becuase when it comes down to it, we all hope for the best in our lives, but that's not always how things work out. No one really knows what to expect from a blended family. There are so many factors at play and so many unknowns of the future, it's really difficult to fully understand the dynamic until you are in full swing. And not everyone makes a natural, seamless transition to loving someone else's children as their own, and that is okay. Children often push boundaries to test their parents love, especially in a blended family situation, and that pushing can be very challenging. Real love takes time to develop and those difficult times can often be the ties that bind. As things get better, it can be bonding to say, "hey remember when we all fought all the time... SO glad those days are behind us... I love you."

I think people come here for support when they are having trouble, so I try to stay away from questions and comments that would make anyone feel like they should just have to suck it up becuase that's the life they chose.

[Marlet]

I know people come here for support (I would probably have more posts in here myself but BM is a member here as well) but what I am saying is there seems to be an underlying tone that have anger and hostility. I know it can be tough and that kids push limits constantly but a lot of times I come away from reading a post and think, "Gee, do they like that kid at all?" I know it's a vent and that's why they came here to post...to get it off their chest and not cause any more issues with their loved ones than there already is. But it seems to be an underlying issue even in the happy times. I guess what I was trying to say or point out was that there are so many issues within a family and even more so in a blended family but there is this sense of favoritism that boggles me. Seems bio children are mentioned when they are being picked on, treated poorly, sick, hurt and confused, or absolutely excelling at something while SK are mentioned when they are annoying or have made a mistake (barring custody and bio parent issues where they would be hurt and confused). KWIM?

[meowee]

I also hate to say this, but I am unpleasantly surprised by the way the step children's moms and/or the ex husband's new girlfriend/ wife are referred to here. It seems to go against MDC policy and is derogatory and divisive. There are many other forum sites that allow hateful speech.



I'm really surprised some of the stuff is permitted by the mods. I mean, the SAHM forum is moderated (threads have to be approved before posting) to make sure there is nothing offensive being said. Why not here?

[Marlet]

In this thread or the forum itself?
If in this thread I didn't think anyone had been mean regarding those particular people.

[magnoliablue]

Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre

I'm not saying nobody likes their stepchildren but it seems that all they have to say is bad. I have a 4.5 year old stepson and he's a handful for sure! I now it's not often people get on here (or any forum on MOthering for that matter) to just post about a good day or anything...we come here to get things off our chest but there serisouly seems to be an underlying level of animosity/hostility etc.

This is something that has bothered me about this forum from the first time I posted here.
I answered on a couple of these threads with basically your OP, and was basically told I was wrong for saying it.
It is the reality, though. When my fiance met me, and likewise when I met him, we knew we each had children. When he moved in with me, he understood the ramifications of that. When his son came to live with us for the summer, I understood that it would mean adapting to the changes a new member of the family brings..but in the sense that he is a new child, no different than bringing home a new baby. Babies have different needs and personalties. Siblings can be completely different from one another, and this is the same when an older child becomes part of a family. Yet because they have their own personalities and individuality, that may be different from what you as a mother are used to, change becomes difficult. Are we less apt to adapt ourselves to the changes blended families face? What makes it any different from having another baby?
I know it sounds cruel, to say "Well you knew when you got involved, so if you can't handle it, rethink your relationship" but frankly, that is the way it is. You do have to climb more mountains in a blended family. Often times you are dealing with very sad children. These kids are having to start a whole new life again, just like you as an adult..when all they really want is their parents to love each other. Often times they blame themselves. Often times they will blame you. Often times they are so hate and anger-filled, they blame the world.
It is then when you should let your instincts as a mother come into play, because even if they aren't a newborn child, they need to be nurtured and loved and accepted into your family as if they are..and maybe, just like the mom who thinks her baby that cries endlessly, hates her..you'll have moments when you and this new child in your life don't click. You just have to try harder. Would you stop parenting your baby because it was hard? You therefore should not give up on a stepchild.
I realize some situations are more difficult than others, and maybe in theory you think you can handle it, but then the reality finds you resentful and unhappy. Then that is when the words I say over and over come into play. You can love your partner, but maybe a relationship together is not possible for the two of you. In the end, children should always come first.

[Destinye]

Originally Posted by magnoliablue

I know it sounds cruel, to say "Well you knew when you got involved, so if you can't handle it, rethink your relationship" but frankly, that is the way it is. You do have to climb more mountains in a blended family. Often times you are dealing with very sad children. These kids are having to start a whole new life again, just like you as an adult..when all they really want is their parents to love each other.

I think thats very true, and blended families do take more love and understanding for this very reason, and can be very challenging as a result. I hope that where there is a lot of resentment maybe putting yourself in the childs position might help a little. I actually take more from my DSD 12 than I would from my own child because he is rather sad and confused (and very angry) but I am no saint and it does get frustrating at times, but try to not let it affect how I feel about him.

To be fair it does sound like some people here have had overwhelmingly challenging situations to deal with, and have tried hard then given up, or become resentful as a result.

As for negativity towards the other parent, thats very challenging especially if they are hurting the children in some way. Personally I have posted a little about DH's EX but try to stick to the point and from the perspective of how it affects the DSC (a lot...) however in many posts on MDC I see much more disparaging comments about people (often who shop in Walmart) and what terrible parents they are and they don't even KNOW these people!

[mamameg]

It's not that I disagree with the senitment of this thread, it's just that I dislike the disposal marriage tone of it. Marrige too hard? Split up. Stepkids too challenging? Split up.

While I have not personally seen a lot of the really negative stuff you are referring to (maybe I just don't read this board often enough?), I agree that it's troubling to hear people talk so disparagingly about any child. But when I do read anything with that tone, my gut reaction is to think, "how can this situation be made better?" NOT "Why don't you just leave?" I am of the opinion that it is plain WRONG to tell someone over the internet that they should leave their spouse. No one knows the full situation and to give such advice based on an emotional, venting post is irresponsible.

How about a thread discussing how we can get over these feelings of resentment? How about talking about how we can make things better for all of our families? Maybe then these children can reap the benefits of a stable, committed, lasting parental relationship, rather than go through yet ANOTHER divorce.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I know I don't always talk the best about my situation, but I also know it's MY problem. I come here to work through MY issues, and like someone said, I have NOWHERE else to talk about this AT ALL. So yeah, I might talk a little 'comfortably' here, and it might come out wrong, but I am only trying to vent and work through things myself.

I ADORE my step-son. I would starve to feed him, throw myself in front of a truck to save him, just as I would my dd. I love him, but in all honesty, the most challenging thing in my life, is trying to figure out how he and I fit into each other lives.

I'm 23, and he's 9. There's only a 14 year age difference between us. DD knows I'm her mom, knows I'm the parent. Step-son thinks I'm some girl who lives here, that he doesn't have to listen to etc. (and no, on a whole he doesn't, but if I were merely the babysitter, he would...)

It's a challenge for me. I can't show him affection. I can't hug him, I can't say I love him, or have missed him when he's gone. He's 9, and right now, barely even shows that affection to his father. He's denied it from me, so I will not push it.

I know I've made this about me...lol I didn't really intend to, but at the same time, I want my frustrations to be understood for what they are. Frustrations that I don't get how to do this yet... That I'm scared of making the wrong move constantly, and sometimes, yes, frustrations that I'm 23 years old and raising a child who's enterting puberty, and getting pretty stubborn here... I don't know how to handle it yet, and this is the only place I can talk about.

So, I'm sorry if I seem negative... I'm just scared, and frustrated..

I don't want to leave my relationship. That's silly! Why would anyone say that? I'm happy in my relationship, and happy with my step-son... I'm just not very happy with ME, okay? But, again, that's why I'm trying to talk things out and work on MY problems...

[Destinye]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

So, I'm sorry if I seem negative... I'm just scared, and frustrated..I don't want to leave my relationship. That's silly! Why would anyone say that? I'm happy in my relationship, and happy with my step-son... I'm just not very happy with ME, okay? But, again, that's why I'm trying to talk things out and work on MY problems...

I don't think you sound negative! You know what we are all here trying to work things out for our blended families, and the reason there is a separate forum is it IS a unique situation.

I can see both sides of this debate, definitely think we should all try and make things work rather than split up, but also maybe a thread on how to deal with negative feelings is a good idea too, to try and find a positive slant to this.

I don't think the OP was trying to be hurtful to those who are genuinely trying to work out things for their blended families, or venting but concerned about the negativity some people seem to have for their DSC which IS very sad.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Destinye

I can see both sides of this debate, definitely think we should all try and make things work rather than split up, but also maybe a thread on how to deal with negative feelings is a good idea too, to try and find a positive slant to this.

lol My dd is 4, I didn't think I'd have to deal with puberty for quite sometime...lol

SO is also in denial about dss entering puberty... Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one doing actual 'parenting' of dss Kinda hard! I want SO's support as a parent, to BOTH children, kwim?

Maybe some of these negative posts are just worded wrong... It's 'easy' to think it's the child... But most times, I've found, it's the partner that needs the work, not the children..

I adore dss, honestly, with all my heart... But, like everyone else, including my dd, he does get on my nerves sometimes... I'm not perfect...

[Destinye]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

lol My dd is 4, I didn't think I'd have to deal with puberty for quite sometime...lol

Well having lived with a toddler and 2 adoloscents all summer I have come to the conclusion they are remarkably similar!

Eat all the time, grow very fast!
Want things NOW.
If not have a tantrum or pout!
Create chaos wherever they go!
Find it hard to deal with their emotions!
Act first, think later!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Destinye

Well having lived with a toddler and 2 adoloscents all summer I have come to the conclusion they are remarkably similar!

Eat all the time, grow very fast!
Want things NOW.
If not have a tantrum or pout!
Create chaos wherever they go!
Find it hard to deal with their emotions!
Act first, think later!

OMG yes! lol I never thought of it that way... THeir behavior is really similar...lol

[lilsishomemade]

For me, the whole relationship between myself and my stepson completely changed after dh & I got married. I'm not kidding! I met him right before he turned 3, and he was the absolutely cutest kid you'd ever met, he always smiled and laughed, is very bright, and very easy to get along with. When dh and I married shortly after, he became very defiant towards me, playing me against his mother and father. Okay, maybe became defiant first, and as he got older (and wiser) became manipulative. I do have problems with his mother because she *does* tell him I'm not his real mother and don't have any say over him. She's told me this before.

Another difficult thing was that the second dh and i became husband and wife, I was expected to instantly love dss as if he were my own. Now, I didn't know him *real* well, and though I felt affection for him, it just wasn't instant love like that. DH didn't understand, and I was having issues with dss, and I really didn't have anyone to talk to...I became very frustrated and pretty bitter. I wish I'd had support from other moms who were in my situation, and could tell me that what I was feeling was normal, and some positive ways to cope with it all.

I do love him to pieces, though. He's 7 now, and we've both grown up a bit. This past year, he was doing so poorly in school, and I was the one who was calling his teacher (they lived two states away), and calling dss every day after school and asking him about his classes, what homework he had, etc. This summer when he was here, I had him on like a mini-homeschooling curriculum, just to keep him going. I was the only one doing this for him.

[Marlet]

Originally Posted by mamameg

While I have not personally seen a lot of the really negative stuff you are referring to (maybe I just don't read this board often enough?), I agree that it's troubling to hear people talk so disparagingly about any child. But when I do read anything with that tone, my gut reaction is to think, "how can this situation be made better?" NOT "Why don't you just leave?" I am of the opinion that it is plain WRONG to tell someone over the internet that they should leave their spouse. No one knows the full situation and to give such advice based on an emotional, venting post is irresponsible.

I never meant to imply that you should split up....my question was if you knew it was going to such a PITA why did you continue on....in no way am I saying if you can't hack once the deal is made (so to speak) get out...what I was trying to say was why continue in a relationship where your emotions as well as those of others continue to get invested if one of the main ones ie resentment or hostility or animosity etc.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I know that when they dated new people and what not I was trying to say the least (I threatened to shave my stepmoms eyebrows off in her sleep......why? She beat me in Monopoly! :LOL ). I wasn't trying to be hurtful to anyone or anything but like a PP said, it's discouraging to come here and read so many tales of woe. For as often as we post happy things about our bio children we post not so happy things about our stepchildren. It's disheartening....especially when many mamas here have said on more than one occasion how they wish they could give a baby of someone else the life they deserve (like nursing when the mom refuses etc.). It just seems like our stepchildren are getting the short end of the stick in regards to our love and respect, KWIM?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I know that when they dated new people and what not I was trying to say the least (I threatened to shave my stepmoms eyebrows off in her sleep......why? She beat me in Monopoly! :LOL ).

I'm wondering if your feelings on this are from being a step-child yourself... I was never a step-child, but I was raised by other people (family members), and know that feeling of being a burden on the people who SAY 'oh, she might as well be our own!'...

Anyway, this thing that I quoted about what you said about your step-mom... Now, if some woman came here, and posted that her step-child said that, and it hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why her step-daughter didn't like her... what would you think? That would be 'negative', right?

But COME ON!!! We're only human!! Our feelings get hurt too! And honestly, I doubt ANY of this 'negativity' you see is in any way being shown to the children, or even the partners!!

Like I said, I have NOWHERE to talk about this. I don't talk to SO about it anymore, at all. I have NOONE. So, what you see here from me, is for HERE only, so that I DON'T react negatively in my home..

This is where I come to vent... This is where I come to talk.. It helps me to be a better parent/step-parent if I can vent my hurt and anger here...

Does that make sense? I talk about it HERE so I don't do it in my home...

[Marlet]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

I'm wondering if your feelings on this are from being a step-child yourself... I was never a step-child, but I was raised by other people (family members), and know that feeling of being a burden on the people who SAY 'oh, she might as well be our own!'...

Anyway, this thing that I quoted about what you said about your step-mom... Now, if some woman came here, and posted that her step-child said that, and it hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why her step-daughter didn't like her... what would you think? That would be 'negative', right?

But COME ON!!! We're only human!! Our feelings get hurt too! And honestly, I doubt ANY of this 'negativity' you see is in any way being shown to the children, or even the partners!!

Like I said, I have NOWHERE to talk about this. I don't talk to SO about it anymore, at all. I have NOONE. So, what you see here from me, is for HERE only, so that I DON'T react negatively in my home..

This is where I come to vent... This is where I come to talk.. It helps me to be a better parent/step-parent if I can vent my hurt and anger here...

Does that make sense? I talk about it HERE so I don't do it in my home...

No I wouldn't think that was negative. I would understand that one because like you said I am a stepchild myself. The "negative" posts I'm talking about are the ones where parents are trying to get rid of the kids (bad phrasing but stuff like camp or other activities) so they doin't have to deal with their situations all day.