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I hate to say this..... - Page 2

post #21 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre
No I wouldn't think that was negative. I would understand that one because like you said I am a stepchild myself. The "negative" posts I'm talking about are the ones where parents are trying to get rid of the kids (bad phrasing but stuff like camp or other activities) so they doin't have to deal with their situations all day.
I've posted that. I'll be hoenst, I have.

I've also been honest that I'm not fully prepared to be dss's full-time mom, and if I recall my MAIN problem was that SO said he understood and agreed, and then did nothing to actually help!

I'm sorry, but if I'm stressed out, how is that helping dss? I'm a parent, just like any other parent, the only difference is, dss and I still have a new relationship, and neither of us were prepared for a full-time parent/child situation, and I was very angry with SO for pushing that on BOTH of us. (I've been with SO almost 3 years now, however, dss and I have only had a relationship since last year... This was our fault (SO and I), but we lived long distance, so there wasn't much of a way around it)

To be hoenst, dss did spend the WHOLE summer with me, with the exception of one week with grandma, and 1, 3 day weekend with biomom. The first week I had problems, but we survived, and it seems dss and I are growing in our relationship together. (when I let my guard down, and let go of MY problems... Posting here, I got to see that these were MY problems and not dss's... He was an easy target to blame, and I regret that deeply, but posting here, taught me I was wrong...)

I agree, how I felt was negative. But I also know I was scared, and felt very hurt and angry at SO... But, like I said, posting HERE, helped me ALOT...
post #22 of 49
I have said the words 'Then you need to take a very close look at your relationship and make sure you are going to be able to overcome your feelings" But never have I advocated to anyone on this board to end their marriage or relationship. And most of the situations I referred to were ones that were not marriage yet. You hope that by the time you make a commitment to enter into a second marriage, you have worked through all of your difficulties for the most part.
I do believe that there will always be some difficult times. I know my stepsons are wonderful, but I can't say there aren't things my fiance has done as a parent that I disagree with, and he can absolutely say the same for me. But we compromise, everyday, and always talk things through. It never has the chance to build into a resentment phase. If it did, if I walked around every day feeling unhappy and frustrated, you bet I would talk to my fiance about my feelings, because we would have to either find a solution, or end our relationship..better now, than to enter into another marriage.
post #23 of 49
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliablue
I have said the words 'Then you need to take a very close look at your relationship and make sure you are going to be able to overcome your feelings" But never have I advocated to anyone on this board to end their marriage or relationship.
Neither have I nor would I.
post #24 of 49
I browse this board now and then, but I never post on it b/c I dn't feel like I belong on it AT ALL. It does seem to be mostly for stepmoms to vent about their stepkids, which is fine and understandable. But I wish there was a forum for moms (or dads) whose dp is the step-parent. I would like to vent and discuss their relationship sometimes. I get very frustrated w/ my dh sometimes b/c of how he handles my ds. And I'm not completely sure if it's a stepparent issue or if he would be like this if ds were his biologically. He just seem to expect ds to behave a lot older than he is and be more responsible than he is capable of being.

This forum does seem to be mainly moms venting about their step-kids, which I'm sure they need to do. But I kinda feel like maybe there should be separate forums for the different kinds of step-families. KWIM? Cuz I REALLY don't want to read people venting about their stepkids b/c then it makes me wonder if this is how dh feels about ds all the time and if he just hates him (which I KNOW he loves him to death, but we have tough periods.) I think moms with kids who have a step-parent should have a separate place to go.
post #25 of 49
I am an adoptee and also currently in a blended family. My 1st dh past away when my ds was 3 yo and am now remarried and we have a dd together. A few years ago, my dh adopted my ds and they are very close. But.........it took alot of time, energy, love and patience. It doesn't feel like we are a stepfamily/blended family, we are just a family with many issues that other parents/families face.

So many of us come here with different stories, backgrounds and life experiences. This is a fairly new forum here at MDC and even though it seems like there are many stepmoms here, I'm sure we have just as many birthmom's in blended families.

Warmly~

Lisa
post #26 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisamarie
So many of us come here with different stories, backgrounds and life experiences. This is a fairly new forum here at MDC and even though it seems like there are many stepmoms here, I'm sure we have just as many birthmom's in blended families.
I think its good to see the point of view of both birthmoms and stepmoms and to maybe look at it from the other person's perspective a little too. Its especially inspiring to see the families that manage to work things out to be the best parents they can be even when the family has been split by divorce, and other situations.
post #27 of 49
madre i think your post says it all. it seems to me that people come here not only for support but for advise as well. its not right to get upset just because you dont like the advise someone gives you. its just advise you can take it or leave it right? no harm done.
i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated. can anyone disagree that blended families are by nature complicated? so i dont buy the whole you cant forsee how your life will turn out mindset. if you put on a blindfold and go running through the streets you may or may not get hit ,right? you dont know. what you do know is that there is a good chance you will if the street is even mildly busy. blended families are the same way. and who gets hurt the most? the kids. it makes me mad.
post #28 of 49
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post #29 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazeldust
i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated.
Because they are living, breathing, flawed creatures... you know, human ? I'm glad you've got it all figured out, hazeldust. And if and when you don't, and you go looking for support, I hope you get it, even if no one understands why you put yourself in that situation. Everyone deserves that, at least, IMO.
post #30 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazeldust
i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated.
It's statements like this that have kept me from posting on this board. I would love to talk to other stepmoms and participate in discussions, but I'm afraid that if I talk about the difficulties that I sometimes have with step-parenting, that I will get this kind of response.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, since DSS was 1. It was easy back then...he was a sweet baby that I rocked to sleep, fed, played with, and stayed up all night with when he was sick. His mom worked nights and DH worked days, so we had him every night. Now he's 7 1/2, and things are MUCH more complicated. We have joint custody, but because we live in a different town than his mother, he stays with her during the week and goes to school and then comes to our house on the weekends. His mother and stepfather are raising him and his little sister in almost the complete opposite way that we raise him and our DD at our house. They spank, CIO, teach him to fight, etc. Sometimes I get really frustrated...with DSS, with his other family, and with myself.

It would be nice to have a "safe" place to come and talk about these things without being judged and blamed for "getting myself into this situation" when I married DH. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening here.
post #31 of 49
My dear partner is an amazing parenting partner and will soon make a wonderful "step-parent". He trusts me as a parent and follows my cues with dd when he does not know what to do. He often has amazing insights into behavioral problems and great ideas to deal with them. Just thought I'd share some good news.
post #32 of 49
good for you sunrayemomi- its good to know that blended fsmilies do work out. im sorry if i came off harshly, i have very limited experience with things other than my own limited experiences and am still trying to figure out my views and beliefs. best of luck to you.
post #33 of 49
I have felt the same thing coming here and that is the reason I stopped coming. The deliberate favoritism of birth children by step mothers was more than I could bear. I am in a blended family but I am the birth parent to all of my children. I have been horrified to hear how people really feel about their stepkids and worse, how they treat them. I have prayed and cried for some stepkids.

I have never suggested people split up, but why give advice that involves emotionally and mentally neglecting your stepkids? Why not try to be a better parent to those kids too. If you chose the marriage, you chose the kids. It is up to you to find a way to love these kids to the best of your ability and to try to treat them with the same kindness and love you want your own kids to recieve.

Remember there are birth mothers on here imagining their child being treated or thought about the way you treat or think about your stepchildren. So if we react strongly, it is our mama bear instinct coming out.
post #34 of 49
I do love my stepson very much. But, I was, apparently, naive when I got married. I really had no clue, and instead of allowing me and my stepson to develop a relationship at our own comfort level (because he does *not* want me to be his mother), everyone got upset that I wasn't brushing his teeth for him, or whatever. I couldn't go from "friend" to "mother" overnight, and I needed support, which I didn't get. This created bitterness, unfortunately, between the both of us. Our relationship is now healing, but it's taken some time. I regret that I didn't seek out other stepmoms to support me and tell me it was okay that he and I work on our personal relationship at our own pace.

I love it when my stepson gets to come here. His father is always so happy to have his son around (we live 10 hours apart), and he is so wonderful with my own boys, he makes a great big-brother. But the relationship between us is not as close as it is between he and his mother, and at it's best it never will be. I would never presume for it to be, and I would never want another woman (besides their SO) to be as close to my boys as I am. Does any of this make sense? I am not saying I hate my stepson, but that the relationship is complicated, and can be difficult, and sometimes I need someone to give me a hug and acknowledge my feelings about it.
post #35 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilsishomemade
I do love my stepson very much. But, I was, apparently, naive when I got married. I really had no clue, and instead of allowing me and my stepson to develop a relationship at our own comfort level (because he does *not* want me to be his mother), everyone got upset that I wasn't brushing his teeth for him, or whatever. I couldn't go from "friend" to "mother" overnight, and I needed support, which I didn't get. This created bitterness, unfortunately, between the both of us. Our relationship is now healing, but it's taken some time. I regret that I didn't seek out other stepmoms to support me and tell me it was okay that he and I work on our personal relationship at our own pace.

I love it when my stepson gets to come here. His father is always so happy to have his son around (we live 10 hours apart), and he is so wonderful with my own boys, he makes a great big-brother. But the relationship between us is not as close as it is between he and his mother, and at it's best it never will be. I would never presume for it to be, and I would never want another woman (besides their SO) to be as close to my boys as I am. Does any of this make sense? I am not saying I hate my stepson, but that the relationship is complicated, and can be difficult, and sometimes I need someone to give me a hug and acknowledge my feelings about it.
lilsishomemade, your post does made sense. I have no problem with needing to vent. I just would prefer to see the focus be on improving the relationship (even by giving it space) rather than on rationalizing ignoring or neglecting a stepchild. It is against MDC rules for me to point to specific posts, but there are plenty in this forum which advocate mistreating the sc (ignoring/neglecting) because he/she/they aren't your bio kids and therefore not your responsibility.

Edited to add: I know you can't forsee the way it will feel to have a stepchild, which is why you won't hear me say, "You made your bed now lie in it." I just say, now that you see how difficult it is, your responsibility is to be a positive presence in this child's life, not a negative one. I am not using one's lack of foresight to bash anyone, but I don't think it should be an excuse to treat a kid poorly.
post #36 of 49
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post #37 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by laralou
I just would prefer to see the focus be on improving the relationship (even by giving it space) rather than on rationalizing ignoring or neglecting a stepchild.
I want to point out how this approach has helped me and dss. Giving each other space, and allowing each other to grow into each other, if that makes sense...

Dss had a very difficult time with his mother, not knowing when he'd see her, when she would call, NOTHING. SO I finally TOLD SO, we NEED to get her on a regular schedule, so he's not having such a hard time with it (during those times, he'd be extra cranky, easily irritated, and overly emotional... OBVIOUSLY! Who wouldn't be?!?!)

Anyway, we got dss and biomom on a regular schedule, and dss and I have done TEN TIMES better since.

We get space from each other. We're no longer forced on each other 24/7... No longer forced to have a mom/child relationship that NEITHER of us were ready for on a 24/7 basis. He gets to see his mom more often, and is less cranky on a whole about that, because now he doesn't have to sit and wonder when the next time he'll see her will be.

It's not the solution for everyone, but it helped us.

We do need our space from each other, and for us, it makes us appreciate each other more when we are together. We do alot more together now, and get along SOOOO much better. It's amazing what a couple hours a week away can do
post #38 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by riotkrrn
I think that one issue is - we stepmoms would like the same trust and respect that's given to mothers posting about struggles with their biological children. When a mama in the PPD forum is distressed over her negative feelings for her baby, we (hopefully) don't tell her that we feel sorry for her kid, or that she should never have gotten pregnant in the first place. We don't tell a mama who's considering hiring a part-time sitter for her spirited child so that she can get a break/attend to an infant/whatever that she's neglecting the spirited child. Why not make the same assumptions of a stepmom; that she genuinely wants a close and harmonious relationship with her stepchild, but something's getting in the way of that, and it doesn't mean that stepmama is uncaring, unfit to parent, or just plain mean. I'm not saying that we shouldn't call out a poster who's suggesting something that's disrespectful or anti-AP, but I'd like to see this become a forum where one can get the same gentle guidance, concrete advice, and overall support that one can find elsewhere at MDC.

This is another feeling I had for a while, and still do on a whole.

If I'm supposed to treat my dss like he's my own biochild, how come I can't 'complain' about him like I would my own biochild? lol

Sounds mean, I suppose, but come on!!! SO would let me complain ALL DAY about dd if I needed/wanted to, but if I said ONE TINY THING about dss, he'd be through the roof angry at me... Um, that doesn't exactly sound fair, now does it?

Seriously, I treat him like my own, and expect everyone else in our lives to do the same with both children... However, I'm the only one (as the step-mother) held to that... Everyone else is allowed to play favorites, but as the step-mother, I can't even remotely treat them the same... I have to put dss on a pedastal...

I just wanna be able to complain about dss just the same as I'm allowed to complain about DD...lol
post #39 of 49
Hi, I'm SaneMarguerite and I am a stepkid. I was also, for about six years, a stepmom.

my experience growing up a stepchild was pretty difficult. I don't know whether it was just the fallout from my parents' divorce, my stepmother's natural temperament, my own journey through stages of obnoxiousness, or flaws in the whole stepparent-stepchild model that made the experience so tremendously unpleasant, but unpleasant it was. Around the time I was turning 16, my stepmother and my dad started to raise their two kids, and even though much lip service was given to the idea that "we were all family, there are no second-class citizens, etc.", the reality felt to me to be very different. of course, I was sixteen, my stepmother had two little ones within four years, so I suppose I can shoulder much of the responsibility for my own tough time. I probably brought it on myself. I think I was a bad kid.

nonetheless, when the time came to commit to a man with a 9 year old daughter, I felt like I was being given a chance to redefine the whole step-relationship and re-imagine it in a healthy way. so, I made a big choice. I decided that if at any time I felt like my presence in her father's life was harming the girl, I would leave, even if I personally was happier than a pig in sh*t. then, I determined to make friends with her mom. I told her "hey, I've been a stepkid, and it sucked, and I'd really like to spare your daughter any unnecessary misery. the best way I think to do that is for us to work together - after all, we both want what's best for your daughter and we're on the same team." Even though this woman was as different from me as day is from night, we somehow managed to make it work. I was very lucky. fortunately, dearstepdaughter was old enough to understand that different people do things in different ways. we got on famously and I never had a moment of trouble.

but I never got a mother's day card. or flowers. or lots of presents. or any of the other things that my own stepmother seemed to expect as part of her divine right. and I never asked. her own mom was alive and well and it seemed presumptuous of me to demand tribute or whatever. I was just happy to have her around.

I had to leave her dad when she was about 15. it broke my heart. but I couldn't let her grow up around a woman who took the kind of abuse he dished out, and think that putting up with that made you "strong". so I left. I stayed longer than I should, because I couldn't bear to leave her.

when I left the abusive ex and came home to my dad and stepmother, my own mother was just a few weeks away from dying. my dad and stepmother were supportive. but when the very next mother's day rolled around, I got mad grief from my dad and stepmom for not trotting out the flowers/card/present deal. they seemed to think that I could just hop from mom to mom-equivalent without missing a beat. this was a few years ago now and I still can't swallow that.

the point is (and here it is my first post and I think I've used up all my words for the year) the adult-loved-one-not-biologically-or-by-adoption-related-to-you is a totally new relationship; it's not "like a mom", or "like a friend", or "like" anything. it's something unto itself and completely different from anything else.

I miss that girl though.
post #40 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I just wanna be able to complain about dss just the same as I'm allowed to complain about DD...lol
ITA! I read threads by bio moms in the Toddler or Childhood Years forums and people say stuff like, "I can't stand this kid one more minute! She's driving me crazy!" And they are met with hugs and support and btdt stories galore. But here, that's not okay to say about stepkids, because bio moms apparently project their own concerns for their own children on the stepmom's situation and then the stepmoms are the villians for having any issue in the first place.

The fact is, sometimes my DSS drives me up the wall... just like my DD does! And I might come here to vent about it, becuase well, sometimes I need to vent. And sometimes I want input on how to handle a situation, becuase NO, I can not always handle it the same way I would if the child were my bio child. I think it's naive to say, "treat the kids the same" because treating them the same implies the r-ship is a traditional mother/child r-ship and it simply is not.

riotkrrn - I think you hit it on the head when you mentioned the benefit of the doubt. Like, can't we just assume that there are no evil stepmonsters here? Can't we just assume a venting post is nothing more than that, and that no, we stepmoms do not, in fact, want to lock the stepkids in the closet? I would think at MDC there would be more understanding that the mothers here are thoughtful and just trying to do their best for all the kids in their lives.
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