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I hate to say this..... - Page 3

post #41 of 49

I'm MUCH harder on DD than on DSS, simply because of society's view of step-mothers... This thread, honestly, just played into how society sees step'monsters'... :
post #42 of 49

Working Together in all 4 Corners of the Family

I understand, all parts of this thread.
Apart of me, I nod in understanding. Another
part, I feel "anger". Then few lines down, wanna
turn the tap of tears on. I know that my oldest daughter (step-daughter..I am going to clarify so you know, eventhough I "hate" that term." I can't call her my "special daughter" either as what some other step parents do because it pulls the equality right out of the picture with all the girls.

I guess, as a step-mom. I am a major advocate for healthy relationships not just with my step-child but her bio mom. By that I don't mean "buddy buddy." But a decent, working relationship. I understand that she has a mother, and I am willing to offer support if I able to. There are times, I don't agree with stuff that her bio mom does. But it goes unspoken. I work extremely hard, probably overtime with my step-child because I know everything she has learned here with me. Will unravel at home. That is the most devastating feeling. She is taught to hit at home, she is taught to restrain her "phsyical anger" and retrained to sit and talk calmly...about her feelings. Communcation. It makes me angry, that I feel that she is lacking in areas, I know that our family life could provide for her. Also we have to becareful, because if disturbed or threatened we could be hauled into court and not see her at all. So, its a very "shaky" environment at times (as far as all the parents involved, me, my bf, her mom, her step dad). We work, extremely hard to provide support, in any way to her bio mom. Taking her for long periods of time, clothing, money, whatever that benefits her. And gives her mom a break or, whatever. I know that when child support was due, she is very "rude about it". I understand I was a single parent for alot of years, and I never got support. Instead of her being in his face, I just handed him the money that was owed. Told her to give it to her today, so she wasn't up in arms about it.

Flip this on my side of the coin. I was a child, all I ever heard was YOU ACT JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER! YOUR FATHER DIDNT PAY ME SO YOU CAN'T GET THIS! I GIVE YOUR MOTHER MONEY AND SHE DOESN'T USE IT FOR YOU, WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE USE IT FOR?! YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER, THAT I AM NOT GIVING HER A PENNY MORE! DO YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU TELLING HIM/HER?! PUT YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE! ..believe me, it was a very unhappy childhood. Years and years of bad blood. From screaming at the doorway, to blood raging phone calls. My bf has no clue what a step family is like, his parents just celebrated their 28th Annv. on Aug. 12th. I understand, more than you can imagine. That is why I want to make sure that he understands what he does, and doesnt do affects our daughter. Whether or not, when she goes home and he didn't do something. She will "hear" about it. I see it in her behaviour, I can see it, because I acted the way she does.

Communication, and understanding that you all are helping and responsible for raising this child is the only advice I have. I remember how it felt, and it was awful. I wouldn't want any of my girls going through that. My bf doesn't treat ANY of the girls differently. They are all treated equally. All the time.
post #43 of 49
I was also a stepchild. I know now how lucky I was in my relationship with my stepfather.

Also, I want to add that I do care a whole lot about my stepson. It's heartbreaking to live so far from him, then when we hear he's failing his grade, to be the one who goes to bat, and call and email his teacher for updates, do research, try and help mom (who more often than not hangs up the minute I say "Hi!"), and then to have him come here and everyone tell me when I get a little frustrated that I have no right to those feelings, and maybe if I just tried to love him more, I'd be a better stepmom.

In my situation, I can never do enough to "prove" my love for my stepchild. Thank you to those who mentioned that it's hard to forsee how difficult this could be. I'm always looking for ways to make our relationship a little more positive.
post #44 of 49
Originally Posted by lilsishomemade
In my situation, I can never do enough to "prove" my love for my stepchild.
I couldn't have said it better myself!!

With my DD, no matter what I do, everyone says it's apparant I love my DD. However, with DSS, I treat him EXACTLY the same (and at times even favor him just so noone thinks I'm treating them unequally), and STILL it's like the only way I could PROVE my love for dss is if I birthed him myself... I can't change that fact, and it seems noone will ever trust my love for him because of that TINY fact.

And btw, how sad is it that I have to FAVOR my step-son just so people THINK I'm treating them equally?!?! What about my DD, does she not deserve the same? Or would that just be me 'not loving' dss?

It's HARD raising someone else's child. Especially if both parents are involved, no matter how little the involvement... Dss's mom doesn't 'mother' him, but she's in his life... I do all the work of parenting, and she gets all the credit... Sad world, huh?
post #45 of 49
Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre
but there seems to be a lot of "I dislike my stepchil(dren)" threads here. I'm not trying to be confrontational and what not but I don't get it. If you have such an issue with the child(ren) why are you with your spouse? You obviously knew about the child(ren) prior to marriage/engagement/living together so why did you continue the relationship if it was going to be an issue. Don't get me wrong.....I know step-parenting can be tough and hard and unappreciated but they are just children! They didn't chose this situation and the anger and animosity I am getting from some threads shocks me. Does it help to feel like that honestly? Does it better your situation? I don't get it. I hate reading about obvious favortisim. The stepkids are horrible to be around yet your children are the absolute best!? I'm not trying to cause a fight or anything but I seriously don't get the hostility. I guess this is just my own mini rant.
Are people really saying that they don't like their step children? Or could it be that these moms are just venting and instead of taking it out on the child/children, the mom is asking for advice or help on here?
post #46 of 49

Horrid stepson I need help please

My stepson is trying his best to destroy my marriage. He lived with his mother after his parents divorce. He contributed to the demise of two of her marriages and she eventually sent him to us. He has behavioural and emotional problems. He has been arrested 6 times and he is only 15 years old. Super Bowl Sunday he was angry with me and said someone should put a bullet in my head! I have since retreated to my family home in MS my husband sees this as a teenage rebelllion and I should not take this seriously.
Please send your comments.:
post #47 of 49
Being a (step)parent is the hardest job many of us will ever do. As a PP mentioned, the difficulty and drama of the situation is amplified when the step children return to the bioparent and everything you teach in your home is shot down. My daughters (bonus kids) know that there are different rules in each house, and have stopped playing the "well, we get to do xyz at (biomom's) house." My DH put a stop to this by saying, "that's fine, and if it works for her, then it's okay. But it doesn't work for us, so please stop." The girls are 6 and (almost) 4, and are the most amazing children I've ever met.

I think some of the issue is that the entire dynamic of each relationship changes when you actually get married. Just like if there were no kids involved. When you're dating, it's not permanent, and it's easy to look through rose-colored glasses. When marriage hits, however, the glasses come off, and everyone realizes at once, "Oh man, this is permanent. Here we go!" Again, I've been lucky. To date, I've had no drama with either of our girls, except for the normal age appropriate growing pains, and they were/are actually *more* difficult for biomom.

Kids are kids. I don't care if they're bio/step/adopted/fostered/on loan from the circus. There will be issues, and drama and hard times involved no matter what. As another PP mentioned, we need to respect that we're all trying desperately to be PARENTS. Not step parents, but parents. And it's hard, and tough, and makes you want to rip your hair out, and you couldn't possibly imagine the pain that would be inflicted on your life if the kids were gone. Our third daughter hasn't arrived yet, but when she does, I'm almost positive we'll have a harder time with her, because the other two have been so remarkably easy.

All we can do, as parents, is make sure our kids know they are loved, and safe, and respected. This is a rocky road for all involved, as is any parent/child relationship. I think we need to respect each other, and offer constructive criticism when someone comes here to vent about adolescent issues. Not "how dare she complain about her step child and not her biochild?" It very well may be that the biochild hasn't hit this stage (yet) and therefore is a non-issue. We deal with life as it comes.
post #48 of 49
I just want to say to the original poster that while I appreciate her observations, the post DID keep me from posting here about my step-family dilemma.

Resources and places to vent are very few and far between for step-parents, please help keep this one available and receptive.
post #49 of 49
Hi, all!

This is actually the first time I've read or posted on this particular forum. I came over here after a difficult week with step kids, and was just looking for ideas and encouragement.This is the first thread I've looked at, and while there IS a bit of negativity, it really has made me think about my feelings and beliefs as a step parent. My relationship with my stepkids will be changing, after having a long distance relationship with not much in person contact, the kids will be moving to our community this summer.

I married my DH knowing that his kids mean the world to him, and that our family is going to be dynamic and at times stressful. This past weekend was the hardest for us all so far.

Thanks to all the ladies on this thread for reminding me of what I already know: That our family is the center of our lives and that it is our privelige and honor to be the parents of all of these amazing human beings. We will have struggles and celebrations and losses and joys and we'll do it without always having the appreciation we think we deserve. We're all learning as we go.

As soon as I leave here, I'm sending an email to my step kids telling them how much I appreciate them and look forward to spending more time with them. And then, I'm going to be a mom and step mom to the best of my ability.

And I do plan on coming here from time to time for support. Maybe to offer some, too!
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