Working Together in all 4 Corners of the FamilyI understand, all parts of this thread.
Apart of me, I nod in understanding. Another
part, I feel "anger". Then few lines down, wanna
turn the tap of tears on. I know that my oldest daughter (step-daughter..I am going to clarify so you know, eventhough I "hate" that term." I can't call her my "special daughter" either as what some other step parents do because it pulls the equality right out of the picture with all the girls.
I guess, as a step-mom. I am a major advocate for healthy relationships not just with my step-child but her bio mom. By that I don't mean "buddy buddy." But a decent, working relationship. I understand that she has a mother, and I am willing to offer support if I able to. There are times, I don't agree with stuff that her bio mom does. But it goes unspoken. I work extremely hard, probably overtime with my step-child because I know everything she has learned here with me. Will unravel at home. That is the most devastating feeling. She is taught to hit at home, she is taught to restrain her "phsyical anger" and retrained to sit and talk calmly...about her feelings. Communcation. It makes me angry, that I feel that she is lacking in areas, I know that our family life could provide for her. Also we have to becareful, because if disturbed or threatened we could be hauled into court and not see her at all. So, its a very "shaky" environment at times (as far as all the parents involved, me, my bf, her mom, her step dad). We work, extremely hard to provide support, in any way to her bio mom. Taking her for long periods of time, clothing, money, whatever that benefits her. And gives her mom a break or, whatever. I know that when child support was due, she is very "rude about it". I understand I was a single parent for alot of years, and I never got support. Instead of her being in his face, I just handed him the money that was owed. Told her to give it to her today, so she wasn't up in arms about it.
Flip this on my side of the coin. I was a child, all I ever heard was YOU ACT JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER! YOUR FATHER DIDNT PAY ME SO YOU CAN'T GET THIS! I GIVE YOUR MOTHER MONEY AND SHE DOESN'T USE IT FOR YOU, WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE USE IT FOR?! YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER, THAT I AM NOT GIVING HER A PENNY MORE! DO YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU TELLING HIM/HER?! PUT YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE! ..believe me, it was a very unhappy childhood. Years and years of bad blood. From screaming at the doorway, to blood raging phone calls. My bf has no clue what a step family is like, his parents just celebrated their 28th Annv. on Aug. 12th. I understand, more than you can imagine. That is why I want to make sure that he understands what he does, and doesnt do affects our daughter. Whether or not, when she goes home and he didn't do something. She will "hear" about it. I see it in her behaviour, I can see it, because I acted the way she does.
Communication, and understanding that you all are helping and responsible for raising this child is the only advice I have. I remember how it felt, and it was awful. I wouldn't want any of my girls going through that. My bf doesn't treat ANY of the girls differently. They are all treated equally. All the time.