Help, my baby lied to me!!

[writermommy]

This is a new one for us. My 7 yo dd has lied to me twice this weekend. Both times were after her 5 yo sister came crying to us after being hit by the 7 yo.

I had a really good talk with 7 yo dd about lying. I told her that when I was little, I got in more touble for lying than telling the truth. The funny thing is, she doesn't really get punished for hitting, other than us separating them and having them play alone in separate rooms. This is technically a punishment, but we are really sick of the hitting. (a whole other issue, I won't get into here)

Our talk was really good, and I thought it was sinking in. UNTIL... She did it again!

I know this is a common stage kids go through, but I really want to handle it right. I'm afraid if we handle it wrong, the lying could get worse. She says ridiculous things like after hitting her sister in the head with a toy, she'll tell me "She bumped her head on the wall" This is obviously not the case.

I need some advice from moms that have gone through this. What should I do? Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks

[Piglet68]

I haven't been through this yet. My dD is three and hasn't figured out lying yet.

However, my first thought is that lying is a way of expressing something she can't express. Like, for example, she hits her sister, maybe in the heat of the moment, and feels bad about it. So when you ask her, she says "she bumped her head". This could be becuase she wishes she DID bump her head, rather than it being her that hurt her. Or perhaps she is feeling remorse and guilt and can't cope with it, or express it well, or understand it.

[writermommy]

That could be. We have been talking lately about the impulse to hit. I tell her that I understand her sister makes her angry and she wants to smack her, but we can't tolerate that. I've been trying to help her come up with other things to do with that frustration.

This is ONLY an issue with her sister. She never hits anyone else.

I just really want to deal with the lying the right way, so it doesn't get worse.

[Fuamami]

I was just reading a section on this in "The Secret of Parenting" while I was nursing. Anthony Wolf seems to think that you shouldn't set them up for a lie by asking right out. Or is she denying it before you get a chance to ask?

[writermommy]

It's before I ask. I actually don't ask because I already know she did it.

[Dechen]

Do you know for sure that your older dd lied?

Younger siblings have been known to lie about older siblings to get them into trouble. My little sister delighted in slapping her thigh, yelling "Ow" and watching the parents come flying into the room to yell at me. Of course, I *did* hit her sometimes, so my parents believed her.

[wednesday]

Originally Posted by Dechen

Younger siblings have been known to lie about older siblings to get them into trouble. My little sister delighted in slapping her thigh, yelling "Ow" and watching the parents come flying into the room to yell at me. Of course, I *did* hit her sometimes, so my parents believed her.

:LOL I never did anything like that...not me, nope, no way...

[j924]

My 2nd dd(6) has recently started this as well. She will say things such as "I hit her in her face twice but it was an accident" : Like you, we don't punish for hitting and don't ask her if she hit. What worked was keeping her and whichever sibling she was playing with close. That way we could voice what happened i.e. "Your sister made you angry so you hit" Then we are right there to talk through other alternatives. It is very time consuming, but it has been productive in both truth telling and working on non violent communication.

[L.J.]

I am VERY strict on lying. My kids dad is a compulsive liar...so I have a complete NO tolerance rule when it comes to lying. They don't get in trouble for whatever they tell me, but they have learned that I will react harshly over a lie. I also use a lot of praise and positive reinforcement when they tell me the truth in a difficult situation.

[writermommy]

Originally Posted by Dechen

Do you know for sure that your older dd lied?

Younger siblings have been known to lie about older siblings to get them into trouble. My little sister delighted in slapping her thigh, yelling "Ow" and watching the parents come flying into the room to yell at me. Of course, I *did* hit her sometimes, so my parents believed her.

Yes, I'm sure she lied. She admitted it to us. She said she lied because she didn't want to get in trouble. If it was a matter of dd #2 yelling ow, I would have basically ignored it, or just told them to "stop it right now" and left it at that.

But, she came in crying with an obvious injury. We didn't ask dd #1 what happened, she offered the information (or false information)

[maya44]

To me lying is best delt with by ignoring it.

So if DD has injured her sister and says "she tripped" but dd 2 claims it was her sister hit her, I would simply say

"Well, I don't know what happened but I am going to say again that there is to be no hitting in this house. We do not hit other people! They can get hurt and it is very wrong."


Now if DD1 did not do it, she can't be that upset. She was not yelled at or blamed.

If she did, you have told her it was wrong .

Why do you need to confront the lying? Lying is normal in kids this age. As long a children are not treated harshly and you are honest with both them and others, they will eventually become honest people!

You can talk about it later as you did. It's not a bad message to tell your child explictly that lying is wrong. Just don't expect that to stop the lying!